QAF story: Love-by date/Part I. Justin (2/2)
April 8th, 2004
"I want to thank you all for being here tonight to help us launch Kinnetik. It hasn't been easy, of course," Brian looked at Justin who smiled at him knowingly, "but we did it. And now we hope to get at least half of our money back."
Everyone laughed, but Brian's face turned serious again.
"And most of all," he continued, "I want to thank my partner, Justin. My partner in every sense of this word. He supported and encouraged me even at times when I thought giving up was the only option. He was angry and demanding when I needed someone to kick my ass to make me stop wallowing in self-pity, and he was caring and patient when I felt ready to explode with frustration and took it out on him. I couldn't do it without him," Brian was staring into his eyes, and Justin felt a lump in his throat.
Those years were more difficult than he could have predicted. After school Brian had managed to get into Carnegie Mellon, to study advertising, while Justin's dream of PIFA had been destroyed once and for all when his father refused to pay and kicked him out of their house. His mother cried and begged him to change his mind, but ultimately she chose to stay with Craig, to take care of Molly. Justin and Brian moved into a tiny crummy apartment on the outskirts of the city. Justin worked full time, hoping to make enough money to go to Carnegie as well a year later, and Brian found a job at the local diner. They struggled to pay for food, not to mention the apartment that was eating almost all of their money. They barely survived that first year, and they were both constantly so tired that there was almost no time to have sex, to talk or to spend time together.
Later things started to look up. Justin managed to get a loan and finally got enrolled in Carnegie Mellon. Brian was rapidly making success, and one day he barged into Ryder Advertising Agency and demanded a meeting with CEO himself. He charmed the male secretary (Justin didn't even bother asking how), and got his five minutes. Ryder was impressed, and offered him to freelance. The conditions were for shit, but Brian gritted his teeth and took everything Ryder was throwing at him. His efforts paid off - he made important contacts and even got a small portion of recognition. Money started to come slowly, but gradually, and both Brian and Justin decided that it was worth trying to make their lifelong dream of opening their own agency come true. Things got difficult again, but not as badly as before. They finally had time for each other, and that's when their first fights began. Justin hated the fact that Brian was tricking. He knew it was stupid, and that he should be grateful for Brian's patience because he kept repeating over and over again how all those men meant nothing to him, but feelings of hurt and insecurity lingered, causing heated arguments between them. Brian also wanted Justin to quit Carnegie Mellon and transfer to PIFA, but Justin thought it was counterproductive to their main goal.
However, most of their fights ended up with hot, long sessions of make-up sex, and overall, they were happy together. They laughed, they dreamed, they talked, they danced in their small apartment when the lights went off. It was difficult, but Justin always remembered those years fondly. He and Brian challenged each other, criticized each other's work and made helpful suggestions, celebrated every achievement, no matter how small. Poverty and struggles only brought them closer, and Justin hoped it wouldn't change now, when Kinnetik was finally opened.
Brian finished his speech, still not taking his eyes off him, leaned over and kissed him tenderly, almost reverently. Justin melted in his arms, feeling ‘I love you' in every gentle touch, every sigh and kiss.
He'd never felt happier and more complete.
"Thank you," Brian whispered, pulling back and looking at him. A storm of emotions was raging in his eyes, and Justin drank them all in avidly. "Thank you, Justin. This moment... it would have never happened without you. I know I usually don't tell you what you want - what you deserve to hear - I know that. But it doesn't mean I don't feel how important you are to me. How... vitally important," he smiled timidly. "More important than I could ever express with words."
Justin bit his lip, trying to control his overemotional body. He wanted to burst into tears and fling himself into Brian's arms, but his next words stopped him cold:
"I love you."
Shocked, Justin stared at him, wondering if he had misheard. Brian - Brian who never even said ‘I miss you' - had just uttered those three sacred words? It was impossible. It was completely and utterly...
"I knew I'd make you speechless," Brian smirked, watching him with amusement. "Breathe, Justin. I need you alive."
"Did you... did you mean it?" the blond asked insistently, squeezing his hand in an almost painful grip. "Brian, did you?"
"Of course I did, you stupid twat," the man murmured, kissing his temple and pulling him to his chest. "Didn't you know it already? Weren't you the one who was always telling me how much I love you?"
"Yes, but... this is different," Justin hugged him tighter and closed his eyes, willing himself not to cry. Brian loved him. He told him, after all those years. He finally told him.
What more was there to wish for?
"I love you too," he whispered, and felt Brian smile right into his hair.
"I know."
They stood like that, completely absorbed in each other, for what seemed like eternity. Then Daphne jumped to them, babbling excitedly, and they had to reluctantly step away from each other.
But Brian continued to hold his hand through the rest of the evening.
August 10th, 2008
"Justin, I told you to get back in bed!" scoffing, Daphne pushed him onto the pillow and re-adjusted his blanket. "How the hell did you manage to get sick in August, anyway? It's hot as in... I don't even know where!"
"It's Brian's fault," Justin mumbled, glaring at the blanket. "He wanted to have sex on the roof, and some asshole closed the door! We spent there all night, naked and wet, because there just couldn't be another day for raining!"
"Brian wanted to have sex on the roof?" Daphne repeated dubiously. "It doesn't sound like him."
Justin's glare intensified.
"All right, I wanted to have sex there. But it's still Brian's fault, he shouldn't have fought with every god-damned neighbor we have. Then they wouldn't have closed us up there!"
Daphne wanted to say something, but suddenly the door opened, and Brian, with a concerned expression on his face, walked inside.
"Hey, Daphne," he greeted, sat on the bed and bent over Justin to kiss him. "How are you feeling?"
"Better," Justin replied, sending him a bright sunshine smile. "What are you doing here so early, it's only two o'clock."
"I took the rest of the day off," Brian smiled at his excited look and snuggled up to him. Justin laughed and tousled his dark hair.
"Brian, you'll wrinkle your suit."
"Who cares about my suit?" the man murmured, kissing his face, moving down to his neck.
"Okay, it's getting hot in here," Daphne said and got up. "I'd better go. Seriously, guys, I'd never think you've been together for twelve years. You're still acting like lovesick teenagers."
"We were never lovesick teenagers," Brian objected. "Well, at least I wasn't. This one, on the other hand..." he teasingly tickled Justin, and the blond smacked him in the head.
"Cut it out!"
"See?" Brian complained. "The concept of mature behavior is foreign to him."
"Like you're the one to talk!"
"See you," Daphne called out. "I'll come visit you tomorrow, Justin."
"You don't have to," Brian said, straightening and stroking his partner's hand absentmindedly. "I took the whole week off, so I'll take care of him."
"You did?" Justin exclaimed. "But what about that new account you were telling me about?"
Brian shrugged.
"Ten and Cynthia are perfectly capable of dealing with it. We pay them money for a reason, you know."
Justin beamed at him, and Daphne tried to hide her smile. After all those years, it amazed her how much in love her best friend still was. And Brian... it had taken some time to get used to him - she couldn't forgive him for hurting Justin in the beginning, when they just met. Later, though, he'd proven to her again and again how much Justin meant to him. Sometimes Daphne caught him unguarded, watching her friend with such tenderness and admiration that her breath caught in her throat. She was ashamed to admit it, but she felt envious. She'd have given anything to have this kind of love in her life.
When she left, Brian kissed Justin again and then pulled back.
"I'll go get you something," he said. "Do you want milk?"
"Milk?" Justin narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Were you talking to my mother again?"
"Believe it or not, I know how to take care of sick people," Brian pressed his lips to Justin's forehead and frowned. "You're too warm. Do you have a headache?"
"A bit," the blond admitted.
"Give me a minute, I'll be right back," Brian walked out of the room, taking his jacket off without stopping. Justin leaned back on the pillow and sighed contentedly. At times he thought it was impossible to always feel so happy. He had a loving partner, a beautiful home, a profitable agency that brought only pleasure... everything was perfect - so perfect that sometimes Justin felt terrified. Because he couldn't imagine what would happen if he lost all of this.
Luckily, Brian was still with him. And as long as they had each other, Justin was sure that every possible obstacle that appeared on their way could be overcome.
After all, they had love on their side.
December 23d, 2014
Justin stared through the window, watching the snow fall, covering ground with a white blanket. He shivered, feeling cold despite the heater.
Christmas was just in a few days, while his mood was far from cheerful. Brian had promised him an unforgettable holiday, and Justin was inclined to believe him. He would definitely never forget this winter.
Recently, when he started to work part-time in his new gallery, Brian had suddenly become estranged. He was constantly irritated, snapping at him for every small thing. He ridiculed him, and his light teasing had turned into mocking, sometimes so cruel that Justin was ready to cry. He wasn't used to being humiliated. Not anymore, after so many years of domestic bliss. He hadn't understood what was wrong with Brian then, but now, when he did, he wished he would still be in the dark.
Brian was having an affair. He was romantically involved with another man, and Justin had wanted to die when he realized it. It'd been years since he felt threatened by Brian's tricking, and now, knowing there was someone else, someone important, he felt helpless. He was thirty five, no longer a young, hot guy Brian had been attracted to. He still looked rather good, but his hair became darker over the years, a wrinkle appeared between his eyes, and his body wasn't perfect anymore. He knew it, but he hated thinking it mattered that much to Brian. Justin was usually confident in himself, and while he was ready to fight for his partner, the betrayal cut deep, making him unsure in how to proceed. He had planned a big surprise for Brian on Christmas - he'd been working like crazy in the gallery, trying to finish eighteen paintings, each of them symbolizing a year they'd spent together, but now it seemed pointless. Brian probably had other plans anyway.
Brian hadn't told him anything yet, but he behaved as if he wanted to get caught. He stayed late at work and then came home reeking of one and the same person. He talked with him on the phone, laughing and joking, he left his IM sessions opened on his computer for Justin to see, he even mumbled that foreign name in his sleep once. Adam. Yes, Justin knew who he was. A young employee in the Art department. They rarely met since Justin'd started spending most of his time in the gallery, but today, when he'd come to Kinnetik, Brian had quickly changed that. He actually asked Cynthia to send Adam in, and officially introduced them to each other. Then he proceeded by flirting with him right in front of Justin, and the blond's patience came to an end. He sent Brian a deadly stare and left without saying anything, shutting the door with a loud bang.
Now, standing near the window, he felt despair, dark and stifling. He loved Brian, he was ready to fight with Adam and thousands of his tricks, but only if he was sure he still held a place in Brian's heart. Today he'd realized he'd been deluding himself. Brian obviously stopped loving him, and there was a limit to Justin's patience. He wasn't going to be a little heartbroken housewife. If Brian didn't have the guts to come clean and break up with him, Justin would have to do it on his own.
The mere thought filled him with such intense pain that he gasped and grabbed the back of the armchair so not to fall. He simply couldn't imagine his life without Brian in it. But was there a choice?
Absorbed in his depression, he hadn't realized Brian had arrived until he heard his soft, hesitant voice:
"Justin?"
Startled, he turned around and stared at him, not knowing what to say. He hadn't expected Brian to come home so early. Usually he stayed at least until seven in the evening, and it was only four now. Maybe...
Justin froze, his heart clenched in his chest painfully.
Maybe Brian had come to the same conclusion? Maybe he finally felt ready to end their relationship as well?
But the longer Justin looked at him, the more he realized something was wrong. Brian's eyes shone with a strange, joyful light, his lips were stretched in a weird, goofy smile Justin hadn't seen for months. He looked... happy. He looked deliriously, blissfully happy, and Justin couldn't understand what to make of it.
Brian slowly approached him, not taking his eyes off his face, and cleared his throat nervously.
"I... wanted to do this later - if at all - but today I decided that there is no point in waiting any longer. I know you always wanted it, and now when it's official, I thought I don't mind it that much."
Justin furrowed his brow, trying to make some sense of Brian's confusing words. What was he talking about? At first it sounded like he was indeed leaving him for Adam, but then what did that part about ‘his always wanting it' mean? Did he think Justin wanted them to break up?!
"Well," Brian chuckled anxiously, "you've always been a romantic, and this year has been for shit, so I hoped to choose something that you would have chosen yourself. I... anyway, I figured you would tell me if you didn't like it. We could always change plans and..."
"Brian. You're babbling."
That stopped him short. He rolled his eyes, but smiled, as if admitting his own stupidity.
"Right. Only you could turn me into a rambling idiot."
"Me?" Justin wasn't sure whether to be insulted or flattered. But Brian was still glowing, and involuntarily, he smiled back a little. He didn't remember the last time he'd seen Brian so enthusiastic.
"Okay," the man exhaled deeply and took something out of his pocket. Justin's mouth fell open and he stared at Brian like he'd never seen him before.
"Is this... is this what I think it is?" he asked, his voice shaking. Brian nodded. "Oh God. Oh my God, Brian, I... I don't know what to say," Justin closed his eyes, trying to compose himself. "You want to marry me?"
"If even Pennsylvania state recognizes gay marriages now, who am I to deny them?" Brian attempted to smile, but worry creased his handsome features. He tried to show Justin the ring, but the blond shook his head, still gaping at him.
Brian wanted to marry him. Brian proposed. Justin had dreamt about this moment for so long, but now, when it happened, he didn't know how to react.
What should he say? ‘Thank you, but I think we shouldn't get married for the wrong reasons'? What on earth had even made Brian propose? Just in the morning he had publicly humiliated him, almost fucked that fucking Adam in front of him, and now he wanted to get hitched?
Maybe he felt guilty? Maybe he'd realized Justin was on the verge of breaking, and had chosen to come back to him? He hadn't been sure he would obtain Justin's forgiveness, hence the ring and the proposal?
But Brian didn't look guilty. No, he was ecstatic for some reason, his eyes were shining excitedly, and he was impatiently waiting for his answer.
Justin took a deep breath, desperately trying to think of something to say. Yes? No? What about Adam? How could you do this to me?
Probably Brian read something on his face, because suddenly his joy evaporated, and his bit his lip.
"Justin... I fired... one of the employees today. He was insignificant and..."
Hearing about Adam caused a wave of vomit to rise in his throat, and Justin exhaled sharply, feeling his stomach constrict.
He didn't want to know about that. He thought he could, but imagining Brian with that young hot blond was just too much to bear.
"Justin," Brian whispered, staring at him almost beseechingly. "Justin, he didn't mean anything. I just thought... I came to the wrong conclusions and..."
"Stop," Justin cut him off abruptly. "Stop. I don't want to hear it."
Brian fall silent, and something resembling fear appeared in his eyes. Justin sighed again and rubbed his face tiredly. Could he just forget about those four months? Could he pretend that Adam had never happened?
Brian was offering him his dream, and who cared what reasons had led him here? They'd been together for eighteen years. It was ridiculous to cross them over one idiotic mistake.
Justin slowly raised his head and looked at Brian. A small smile appeared on his lips when he uttered:
"Yes."
"Yes?" light returned to Brian's eyes, and he squeezed the ring in his hand. "You mean it?"
"I mean it," Justin nodded, and his smile widened. "But only if you mean it either."
"I've never meant anything more," Brian breathed out and with a trembling hand carefully put the ring on his partner's finger. Justin's throat tightened, and he sniffed when Brian hugged him and pressed his lips to his blond hair.
"Justin," his voice was choked, "there is only you. There has always been only you for me. Remember that."
Justin's stomach did a weird flip-flop, and he pressed tighter to Brian's warm body.
He wasn't going to think about past anymore. He wanted to concentrate on their future.
October 19th, 2016
Present days
Now, looking back, Justin realized he'd made a mistake. He should have heard Brian's reasoning for cheating on him, he should have listened. But he'd chosen to try and forget about it - and now it was too late.
Brian didn't love him anymore. He probably hadn't since his meeting with Adam, but he'd broken up with him and come back to Justin... why? He didn't know. Maybe Brian thought it was safer to stay with him, and now he regretted his decision. Obviously their marriage had been Brian's last desperate attempt to salvage what was left from their relationship, to maybe rekindle their love, and when it hadn't worked, he felt resentful and angry. Now he was punishing Justin for being here with his indifference and coldness.
They had gotten married right after Christmas, and it was one of the happiest days in Justin's life. They went to Europe for their honeymoon, and spent wonderful weeks in France, Italy and Spain. For the last five days they went to Ibiza, and Justin remembered that period of time as the happiest. It was filled with love, childish games and laughter, like they were teenagers again and had just discovered what sex was. All Justin's doubts disappeared after seeing Brian's eyes full of desire and love for him.
When they came back to Pittsburgh, Brian suggested moving out from loft and buying a house. Justin was amazed, but he agreed readily. He loved the loft, but it stopped to seem fitting for them after so many years.
Britin was everything Justin dreamed of and more, but he hadn't thought that he'd be moving there with a stranger instead of his husband. Something happened again - as if some Brian had gotten tired of pretending. He became practically emotionless, he chose to spend most of his time at work, and when Justin tried talking to him, he snapped and snarled to leave him alone. It was like everything Justin did was wrong, like he irritated Brian so much that he couldn't bear spending even a minute in his presence. Justin tried everything to make him open up, but it was useless, and he felt hurt and miserable.
Rubbing his eyes tiredly, Justin walked into the bedroom and looked at the painting he'd drawn right after their wedding. It was strange to see something so joyous, so light, when Justin couldn't even remember the feeling of happiness. He hadn't felt it in a long, long time.
Suddenly he heard fast footsteps, and in a second the door opened. Brian, looking all businesslike and collected, walked inside and threw his suitcase on the armchair.
"Get dressed," he told him. "You have thirty minutes. We're meeting Vergeville and his wife at LeMont at eight o'clock."
"What?" Justin blinked. "Why you're telling me this only now? I wasn't planning to go out tonight."
Brian sighed exasperatedly.
"I'm telling you now because I was too busy to do it before, and I forgot to ask Cynthia to call you. What's the matter, it's not like you have something better to do."
"I'd still appreciate being informed in time," Justin said in an icy voice, staring at him hard.
"Yeah, I'll keep it in mind," Brian drawled sarcastically. "Now move your ass, you have to look presentable."
He turned to his closet, examining endless numbers of suits, while Justin stood motionless, still looking at him.
"What?" irritated, Brian turned back to him.
"I want to divorce," Justin said suddenly, and then froze, shocked at his own words.
Had he just really said that? Had he asked for divorce? Christ...
Yes. Yes, he had. And the scariest thing was - he didn't regret it. Because he would rather be alone than go on living with someone who treated him like that.
Brian seemed to freeze, too. His eyes were wide and incredulous as he stared at Justin in disbelief.
"What did you say?" he asked hoarsely. Justin swallowed, but didn't look away.
"I want to divorce," he repeated. "Maybe not formally yet - I simply have no strength for those tiring routine procedures, but I'm going to move out as soon as possible. You can stay in Britin, I'll find myself something else. Then we'll figure something out."
Brian's mouth fell open. He was obviously at the loss for words, and Justin felt dark, triumphant satisfaction. At least he noticed him - him, after all this time. He wasn't going to be taken for granted any longer.
"Justin," finally the voice retuned to Brian, and he tried to clear his throat to sound normal. "I... I don't understand. Is this some kind of joke?"
"Do I look like I'm joking?"
"No," Brian whispered, staring at him like he was seeing him for the first time. "But... why? Is it because of this stupid dinner? We don't have to go, Justin, I'll call and cancel it."
"No, Brian," Justin sighed tiredly. "You don't actually think I would want to divorce over that?"
"Then why?" his voice grew louder. "What the hell did I do?!"
"Brian..." Justin bit his lip, trying to find the ways to explain. He didn't want to hurt him. It was absurd, but he loved Brian - he loved him more than anything else in his life. And he wasn't going to make everything more difficult than it had to be. "Brian," he tried again, "it's time. What we had before... it's gone. We aren't the same people who fell in love and decided to build a life together."
"What the fuck are you talking about?!" Brian roared, and Justin jumped a little from the impact of it.
"I don't blame you!" he hastened to assure. "Well, I do, actually, but I understand it's irrational - you can't control your own feelings, I know that. But you don't love me anymore, Brian. Hell, you barely tolerate me! You don't talk to me, you're always busy, you're acting like you despise me. Like I'm dragging you down. I never wanted it, Brian, but our life has turned into routine. We're like another sad couple of boring straights who are sick of one another, but too scared to admit it and to break up. I don't want to see the future where you'll start hating me for holding you back, and where I'll start hating you for my weakness. Our relationship has been over for two years, let's try to save at least good memories we still have. Let's not spoil them. Please."
But Brian was only shaking his head in denial, his face unnaturally pale.
"You're so wrong," he breathed out. "You have no idea how wrong you are."
"Brian..." Justin's eyes pricked with tears. "Brian, I could survive poverty. I could survive your tricks, I could even survive Adam who you were in love with. But I can't survive your indifference. It just hurts too much. I understand..."
"You don't understand a fucking thing!" Brian suddenly exploded, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him. "I told you Adam was meaningless - I told you and told you, but you just refuse to listen!"
"I know genuine affection when I see it, Brian!" Justin shouted. "I know you liked him, I know you almost left me for him! When you proposed, I thought we could start over, but I was mistaken. You just didn't feel that way about me anymore! And your tricks..."
"What tricks?! I gave up tricking when we got married, I haven't tricked in years!"
"But not because you love me! Not because you're committed to me. No, they've just started taking up too much of your precious time! You got obsessed with Kinnetik and you forgot about everything else. Do you know how insulting it is, Brian? I had been fighting for monogamy forever, and I received it only after you've fallen in love with someone else!"
"Justin," Brian pressed his forehead against the blond's, his voice dropped, "you're not making any sense. What are you talking about?"
Justin took a deep breath to calm down, and then tried to explain:
"I didn't understand at first, but then I figured it out. We were over the moment you saw Adam, Brian. You fell for him, you became involved with him romantically and emotionally, and even though you broke up with him, you haven't gotten over your romance. After you proposed I believed that rekindling our flame was possible. Later I realized you regret your decision, the choice you've made. Brian, you're still pinning after Adam. If you gave up tricking for someone, it was for Kinnetik, or for your subconscious commitment to Adam, but definitely not for me. And I can't live with that anymore. I want to divorce, and to try building a new life, without you in it."
"Just like that?" Brian whispered. His eyes were dead, and Justin's heart clenched in his chest. "You would give up everything we have... you would give up me... for some assumptions you've made? Assumptions which you don't even know are true?"
"Brian, of course they are true," Justin laughed bitterly. "Even if you don't want to admit it. But everything's changed since Adam. You have changed. And I'm tired of pretending to be happy when you can't even spend five minutes in the room with me without insulting me. I bore you, I embarrass you - I see it every time we have a business meeting or go somewhere together. And I can't bear it anymore. So... just let me go," his voice dropped to a whisper. "Let me go, Brian. It might hurt at first, but later it'll make us happier. I promise."
Brian sucked in his breath sharply, and slowly, reluctantly stepped back. Justin stroked his cheek once, then turned to bed to gather a few things.
"I'll sleep in the guest room tonight," he said quietly. "I'll try to move out in a few days, so I'd appreciate if you didn't bring anyone here in the meanwhile. Adam waited for two years, I'm sure he can wait a little longer."
"Shut the fuck up," Brian suddenly snapped furiously, and Justin pursed his lips, glancing at him coldly.
"Right. I'll be downstairs."
He walked out of the room and closed the door behind him carefully. The future he was facing now was bleak and colorless, empty, and Justin wasn't sure how he would survive it.
How he would ever get over Brian. It was impossible, and in this moment he realized it more clearly than ever before.
A wave of dread and hopelessness washed over him.
Now what?