QAF story: Love-by date/Part I. Justin (1/2)
Love-by date
Summary:
They met, they fell in love, they built a life together. Now, twenty years later, Justin is sure Brian’s love for him has reached its limits, while Brian seems unable to let him go.
Part I. Justin
October 17th, 2016,
Britin
"Do you really have to go so early?" Justin asked, watching Brian try one expensive shirt after another. He didn't receive a reply - not that he actually expected one. After the past two years he came to realization that he just couldn't rate up with his husband's morning rituals anymore - and certainly he wasn't as important as Kinnetik, or potential clients, or even Brian's brand new Corvette. He had his values, of course - he cooked, picked up their clothes at dry cleaners, and he was a partner in Kinnetik, which, Justin suspected, was exactly why Brian still kept him around. Their marriage had turned into farce a long time ago, all feelings were dead and buried... at least on Brian's part. When Justin looked at him, even now, twenty years after their first meeting, he still saw the most beautiful man in the world. The man he loved and needed with every ounce of his being.
Sometimes he thought that Brian's rudeness would be much better than this cold indifference. At least it wouldn't hurt this much.
"You said you were going to take some time off once the Swanson account was handled," he continued, and this time Brian murmured absentmindedly:
"I did?"
"Yes," Justin rubbed his forehead, feeling tired already. Christ, he was thirty seven, not eighty. How could he feel so exhausted early in the morning? Brian was the same age, and somehow he managed to spend all his time working without looking haggard.
Maybe Justin just had more things to be tired of.
"I hoped we could go somewhere warm for the weekend. Like Florida? You wanted to visit St. Augustine, remember?"
"The Ancient city?" Brian half-smiled, probably remembering their private little jokes about it. The day they'd been discussing it was filled with laughter and happiness, and Justin stopped breathing for a moment, seeing that familiar, boyish smile again after such a long time.
Feeling encouraged, he tentatively reached and put his arms around his husband's shoulders, leaning his head against his back.
"Jesus, Justin, I've just cleaned this shirt up!" Brian snapped, taking a few steps away from him and scrutinizing the dark green fabric.
Good mood evaporating, Justin scowled.
"Right, and I've been digging a hole with bare hands and forgot to wash them." Annoyed, he moved back to the bed and sat down, staring at the wall darkly. Leave it to Brian to ruin the first normal moment they'd had in months.
"Okay, I'm leaving," finally satisfied with his suit, Brian turned to look at him. "Don't be late today, we have to discuss a new campaign for Vergeville. That old fart didn't like what the team has come up with, so we'll have to take care of it by ourselves."
"You didn't tell me about that."
"I've been busy, so I asked Cynthia to call you," Brian took his suitcase and moved to the door, without even glancing at him.
"Busy," Justin spat. His anger, his sorrow at what they'd lost had been boiling inside him for years, and now he suddenly felt like he was choking on them, like he would explode if he didn't find the outlet. "When are you not busy? You're always working, Brian. Always. As if you're still twenty and must build your business from scratch. As if we don't have enough money to last us a lifetime!" his voice rose, his hands clenched into fists, but Brian still hadn't turned, hadn't even slowed down, and the fury became overwhelming. "Fucking look at me!"
That finally caught Brian's attention. He stopped and turned around, and Justin was expecting it, but he still felt shocked when he saw his calm, expressionless face. He knew Brian didn't care, he almost accepted it, but such obvious indifference caused him a sharp, piercing stab of pain.
"You don't love me anymore," Justin said softly. He'd meant it as a question, but it came out sounding like a statement.
Brian's eyes narrowed, and when he spoke, his voice was even:
"I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but I hope you'll get over it before coming to Kinnetik. We have to work, not waste hours discussing your ridiculous, baseless assumptions."
Justin flinched as the door closed with a bang, and shook his head slowly.
How had they come to this? When had it happened, why hadn't they stopped when they still had a chance?
He curled up in their big, cold bed and closed his eyes with his hands. Remembering.
September 14th, 1996
"I can't believe they let us in!" Justin looked around the club in awe, seeing countless men dancing, drinking, and just wandering around, looking for someone to hook up with. "I told you our IDs looked real."
Daphne, who was practically bouncing with excitement, rolled her eyes.
"You're such a dork, Justin! Nobody in their right minds would ever believe our piece of shit IDs. You're just cute - didn't you see how that bouncer was staring at you? He liked you!"
"He did not!"
"I'm telling you, he was totally checking you out. Maybe he hoped to get some from you later, you know... after we leave."
"No way!" Justin stared at her, aghast. "Are you serious? Then what do we do, how will we get out of here?"
"Oh, stop being such a princess," Daphne elbowed him, her eyes darted from one topless man to another. "He won't do anything, I bet he always cruises every remotely hot guy."
"Hey, I'm not ‘remotely hot'," Justin protested, annoyed, but he quickly forgot about everything when some tall, bronze haired guy sent an enticing smile his way.
"Go to him!" Daphne hissed into his ear, but the blond shook his head, watching the guy leave. "What? Why not?"
"We just got here, Daph. And he's hot and all, but I'm looking for something else."
"Something else?" she repeated incredulously. "Something what else?"
"I don't know yet," Justin smiled enigmatically. "But I'll tell you when I find him."
They watched the dancing crowd for a while, then danced themselves a little. Justin couldn't believe how amazing it felt to be finally able to fit in, to feel at home, even though he didn't know any of those people. He hadn't come out yet, not to his parents and not at school, but it was like everyone was suspecting something, because they usually preferred to stay away from him. No that Justin minded - he felt perfectly comfortable on his own, but he missed Daphne who was studying in another school, and it would have been nice to have someone to sit with in the school canteen.
"Justin!" he suddenly heard Daphne's shocked gasp, and looked at her in surprise.
"What's the matter?"
"I think that guy is from your school!" she squinted, trying to get a closer look. "I saw him at one of your photos... I guess. It's hard to tell from here, we have to get closer."
"What are you..." Justin followed her gaze and froze, feeling his heart skip a beat.
The boy he saw was indeed from his school. He didn't know his name, he didn't know anything about him, but he'd seen him in the corridors sometimes, always surrounded by friends and groups of enamoured girls. He was one of the most gorgeous, attractive men Justin had ever laid his eyes on, but strangely, he'd never thought about him this way before. Maybe because it'd never occurred to him that someone like that could be gay, more than that - gay and interested in him. So he had appreciated his obvious beauty and wild sexual energy emanating from him from afar, never entertaining himself with ‘what if' thoughts and useless hopes.
Now, seeing him here, at Babylon, Justin had hard time catching his breath. The boy hadn't noticed him yet - he was walking leisurely in the direction of the bar, eyeing every guy meticulously, the corners of his lips were curled up in a condescending smile. Obviously he knew what kind of impression he made on people, and Justin wondered if he was just confident or downright arrogant. In any way, he felt warmth invading his cheeks, and his stomach clenched in anticipation. Anticipation of what - he didn't know. That boy hadn't even looked twice at him at school, why did he think Babylon would change it?
"Come on," Daphne hissed and nudged him.
"Stop pushing me," Justin hissed back and stole another glance at the boy. He cleared his throat, rolled his shoulders and took a step forward, but suddenly Daphne practically shoved him, and Justin lost his balance. He fell right on the boy, nearly knocking him off his feet, and froze, mortified. Damn Daphne. Damn his overbearing, exuberant best friend who was more excited at his chance to get laid than he was himself. Now he'd made a complete fool of himself, and this guy would not only laugh at him, he'd probably make his life miserable at school as well...
"Are you planning to stand like that?" he heard a teasing, velvety voice right in his ear, and hot shiver ran through his body. Slowly, Justin raised his head and stared into amused hazel eyes.
"Oh... uhm... I'm sorry," he mumbled, but made no attempt to move. The boy smirked, his hands slid down to rest at either side of Justin's waist, then slipped lower and cupped his ass. Justin blushed, but didn't look away - he wanted to enjoy this moment for as long as it was possible. "My name's Justin," he blurted out, and the boy's smirk widened.
"I know. I saw you at school - you go to Art Club, right?"
"Yes," Justin said, surprised. ‘He knows my name,' he thought, and sudden wave of excitement and hope made his heart flutter. This evening started to seem like a dream come true to him.
"I'm Brian," the boy told him. Justin stepped back and nodded, wondering if they should shake hands. It seemed stupid, here especially, so he nodded again and said:
"I saw you at school, too, but I never thought you were... you know... gay."
Brian's eyes skimmed over him appraisingly, then he shrugged:
"No one knows. I let them believe what they want to believe - until I can tell all of them to fuck off without repercussions."
"Yeah, I wish that day would come already," Justin sighed. "I want to go to PIFA, though, and my Dad would never pay if he knew about me. It's a risk to come here, but I couldn't spend another minute surrounded by breeders and breeders only!"
Brian laughed.
"That's my position as well. I've never seen you here before, is this your first visit?"
"Yes," Justin suddenly remembered about Daphne and looked around. To his surprise, he found her dancing with some nerdy looking guy, right in the center of the dance floor.
Weird. But obviously later they both would have a lot of news to share.
Satisfied, Justin turned his attention back to Brian and asked:
"Do you want to dance?"
"Sure," the boy grabbed his hand and led him to the mass of whirling bodies, his hands snaked around Justin's waist, pressing him tightly to his body. Justin closed his eyes, willing himself to relax. He knew how to dance, but now, feeling Brian's hands around him, feeling his cock press against his stomach, he had hard time thinking. All rational thoughts blurred, his own cock was painfully hard, and all he wanted was to kiss those full, slightly pouty lips that were curled up in a warm, a little smug smile.
Desperate to distract himself, Justin asked:
"Do you also bide your time until you finish college? Are you going to come out then?"
"Oh, I'm going to come out a lot earlier," Brian said and sent him a tongue-in-cheek grin. "My parents won't pay for college anyway, but I don't want anything to spoil my chances at getting the scholarship. So - I wait only for the end of this god-damned year, then I'll be out and proud."
"Sounds amazing," Justin sighed and carefully leaned his head against Brian's chest, hugging him tighter.
For a few minutes they just danced, both absorbed in their thoughts. Justin wondered what Brian's words about how his parents wouldn't pay for college anyway meant. Did they not have enough money? Or were they just not close? He wanted to ask, but didn't dare risk ruining this moment. He enjoyed it too much.
Suddenly Brian gently took his chin and tilted his face up, toward his own. His eyes were so intense, so serious, as if Justin was the centre of his universe, as if nothing else mattered. Slowly, he bent over and nuzzled his neck, and Justin shivered, his heart started pounding against his ribcage. Probably satisfied with the reaction he'd elicited, Brian placed a long, soft kiss on his neck, and then covered Justin's lips with his own. At first he moved softly, almost hesitantly, but when Justin moaned, he deepened the kiss, pushing his tongue deep into his mouth, caressing his back, pulling him ever closer. Justin trembled, but kissed him back just as passionately. The rest of the world melted away, the only things he could feel now were hot lips devouring him and strong hands exploring his body.
"Do you want to get out of here?" Brian murmured, kissing him along his jawline. Justin nodded, unable to talk. For a fleeting second he thought to warn Daphne about his leaving, but that thought evaporated when Brian smiled at him that mysterious, enticing smile of his, and squeezed his hand, leading him toward the exit.
Justin was sure he would never regret his decision.
He still thought so the next morning, even when Brian looked at him coldly and told him to fuck off. It hurt, of course - it hurt like hell. Justin didn't know what he'd been expecting - after all, they had barely exchanged a couple of sentences before fucking, but he also hadn't considered he would be dismissed so callously. Brian treated him like a whore, like he was insignificant and worthless. Justin wasn't delusional, but he'd hoped their beautiful night together would be the beginning of something equally beautiful. Now everything ended even before he had a real chance to enjoy it, and he felt crushed. He hadn't let Brian see his tears, but when he got home, he closed himself in his room and cried.
Daphne was outraged when he told her, and insisted that he should forget about the asshole and try looking for someone normal, someone real. Justin agreed - mostly because it was easier than arguing, but he was too depressed to even think of going to Liberty Avenue again.
Days at school were long and gray, and every time Justin saw Brian he felt his heart break some more. He tried to forget, tried to move on, but it was difficult, because he already couldn't imagine anyone more perfect, more right for him than Brian. Brian who was so beautiful that it almost hurt to look at him, Brian who was ignoring him, behaving as if Justin didn't exist.
Sometimes, Justin caught him staring at him, but his eyes were unreadable, his face blank, and he looked away the minute he noticed Justin was looking. Did he think about him? Did he maybe regret sending him away? There was no answer to these questions, so Justin kept torturing himself with guesses and hopes.
One freezing winter day Brian's popularity ended with a loud bang. He was caught in a locker room with one of the students, in a compromising position, and the only reason they let him stay at school was because the Headmaster liked him enough not to kick him out months before graduation. But Brian was kicked off the team, and since the incident he had turned into pariah. His former friends turned their backs on him, other students avoided him like the plague, too scared that even sitting next to him would make them outcasts, too. The boy Brian had been caught with left school of his own free will, unable to withstand mocking and hatred any longer. Brian got taunted either, but he could also be cruel himself, so mostly people preferred to stay clear of him.
Justin hesitated for a week, debating with himself about what to do. If he approached Brian, if he suggested friendship and Brian accepted it, then he would be automatically outed. His comfortable, quiet, secured life would be over, probably just as his dreams about PIFA, because there was no way his parents wouldn't hear about it.
Was it worth it? Was Brian worth it?
Justin was afraid to discuss it with Daphne, because she, undoubtedly, would just tell him that he'd lost his mind. Destroying everything over a fuck with a guy who didn't give a shit about him? It sounded crazy even to Justin's own ears. But he also knew he felt... something. Some strange, unexplainable connection that had formed the first time Brian talked to him. And he wanted to explore it more than anything else in the world - more than going to PIFA, more than keeping his parents' love.
He wanted him. And for that he was ready to become a punching bag for homophobic assholes who just couldn't understand that personal life was called personal for a reason.
When Justin made his decision, he felt relieved - another sign that he was doing the right thing. So the next morning he went to Brian and sat near him in English class, trying to hide his shaking hands in pockets.
"Hi," he said and smiled weakly. Brian narrowed his eyes and stared at him.
"What the fuck do you want?"
"Nothing," Justin shrugged, hoping the expression on his face was indifferent. "I just thought I'd keep you company. It's boring as hell to sit through English alone."
Brian studied him with an inscrutable look, and then, suddenly, his eyes softened a little.
"Justin," he said quietly, "don't do this over some idiotic sense of nobility. I fucked up, now I pay the price. It has nothing to do with you, you don't owe me anything."
"Excuse me?" the boy huffed in disbelief. Fucking arrogant bastard. "You treated me like dirt, why would I think I owe you something? No. But I won't let some bigoted labels determine who I can be friends with."
"Friends?" Brian raised his eyebrow. Justin sighed.
"I wasn't the one who cut all ties. You weren't looking for a boyfriend - fine, but you could have warned me, instead of leading me on."
"I didn't lead you on," Brian glared at him. "I didn't promise you anything."
"You acted friendly," Justin interjected coldly. "I had no idea you would turn into a big asshole in the morning. I wouldn't have let you fuck me if I had known you were just pretending to be nice."
"One more reason to leave me the fuck alone," Brian growled, but this time it didn't affect Justin in the slightest. He started to think that the other boy's rudeness was some kind of instant defense mechanism, so it didn't even seem insulting anymore.
"No. I was interested in friendship with you back at the club, and I'm interested in it now. The only question is..." Justin peered at him enquiringly, "are you?"
Brian was silent for almost a minute. Justin could tell he wanted to say yes - probably loneliness and rejection were hard to live with even for someone as confident and independent as Brian, but something was stopping him from accepting his friendship.
Justin saw the exact moment Brian made his decision - his eyes clouded over, his mouth creased into a sneer, and he spat:
"Why would I want to be friends with some pansy-assed blond snot like you? I told you - stay away from me!"
He gathered his things and moved to another empty desk. Justin pursed his lips, wondering what he should do now. Giving up wasn't an option, especially after he'd seen a glimmer of longing in Brian's eyes.
No, he wouldn't give up. He would be persistent. He'd made up his mind, and no one, not even Brian himself would stop him now.
In the course of the next several weeks Justin had turned into a stalker. He followed Brian around, talked to him even when he was pointedly ignoring him, arrived the last one to classes so Brian wouldn't be able to change his seat. It wasn't easy for him and for his self-esteem, because Brian had used every insult, every humiliating name he could come up with. He hissed, he yelled, he said ‘fuck off' every minute of every day, and yet Justin thought he was making progress. One time Brian even smiled at one of his jokes, despite trying to look annoyed, and Justin felt so happy in that moment it was ridiculous.
Still remembering Brian's small, genuine smile, Justin walked to his locker and stopped when he saw three of his classmates standing right in front of it.
"Hey, Taylor," Hobbs drawled, taking a step to him. "What took you so long? Too busy sucking your new boyfriend off?"
Justin bristled immediately.
"Jealous?" he shot back. Hobbs' face twisted.
"Faggot," he spat and grabbed Justin by his shirt. His friends cheered when he raised his fist, and Justin, realizing he was basically helpless, did the only thing he could think of. He kicked Hobbs in the shin viciously and pushed him away with all his strength. Chris yelped and staggered, bending over.
"You fucking fairy!" he shouted and lunged at him again. This time he punched him, and Justin gritted his teeth, tasting blood in his mouth. He'd known it would be like that. He'd known before he started pursuing Brian - he'd seen how other kids got tormented on the daily basis, but he still thought it was worth it. After all, there were only a few months of school left, and the entire life was waiting for him outside.
Life that included Brian, he hoped.
Justin managed to hit Hobbs back before he got punched again, this time in his stomach. Coughing, he tried to move away, but the other boy pulled him by his hair and raised his fist again.
Suddenly there was a loud, dull sound, and Hobbs disappeared. Justin finally caught his breath and looked around with wide eyes.
Brian appeared by his side, and the expression on his face was one of murderous rage. He swung Chris around and smashed his head against a wall, squeezing his neck tightly.
"You touch him again and I'll kill you," his voice was a low, menacing growl. Justin shivered, staring at him in amazement. In his boldest dreams he'd never imagined Brian standing up for him, protecting him like that. He thought he would have to go through abuse on his own, but it seemed he had gotten an ally.
Hobbs opened his mouth, as if to say something, but one look at Brian's face - and he changed his mind.
"Did you understand me?" Brian squeezed his neck tighter, and Chris choked:
"Yes! Let me go, you asshole!"
Sending him another warning glare, Brian stepped away and turned his attention to Hobbs' friends. They backed away immediately, and Justin blinked, surprised, wondering what it was all about. Yes, Brian was strong and intimidating, but there were three of them. Justin wasn't much of a challenge, so if a real fight started, he and Brian would definitely lose.
He looked closer, and suddenly the realization struck him.
Lethal, icy fury was still burning in Brian's eyes, but other than that, his face was expressionless. The face of someone who had nothing to be scared of. He'd already lost everything, including his athletic scholarship, so he could afford himself to fight as violently as it was humanly possible. Hobbs and his friends, on the other hand, still had their reputations and bright shining futures to think about, and they knew someone like Brian wouldn't go down easily. At the very least he would take one of them with him.
"Two fucking faggots," Hobbs murmured. "Come on, I have to go to the bathroom," he addressed his friends, and they followed him like two obedient puppies.
Justin relaxed when they left and smiled at Brian a little shyly. He forgot about the pain he was feeling - the only thing that mattered was that Brian had protected him. He so cared. It was much more than Justin had ever expected.
"Thank you," he said quietly, but Brian glowered, then approached him swiftly and examined his split lip.
"Stupid twat," he uttered. "This was exactly what I feared. I told you to stay away from me! I told you, didn't I?"
"Who cares about what you're telling?" Justin rolled his eyes. "I stopped listening a long time ago, because when I do, you piss me off."
"Justin," Brian carefully touched his chin and looked in his eyes. "I was a fool and I outed myself. You shouldn't have done the same. And for what, for Christ's sake? For me? I've been a jerk to you. I don't deserve... this."
I don't deserve you. Justin heard it, and anger and hurt that had been still simmering inside him all this time finally died out. He smiled again, more brightly, and took Brian's hand in his own.
"What's done is done," he noted. "I can't go back, and I wouldn't even if I could. If my parents really love me, they will support me. If not..." he frowned. "Well, then I'll figure something out. But it'll be easier to finally know for sure. And besides," his smile widened, "I've gotten a new friend over this. It's worth something."
"You're delusional," Brian told him, but his lips also curved upwards. Slowly, he squeezed Justin's hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it gently. Justin's heart fluttered.
He had a feeling he'd gotten a lot more than a simple friend.