I'm sorry, I know how incredibly emotionally challenging this sort of mindset could be. I had horrible depression and a horrible self esteem about my body. I was one of those people who thought I practically didn't deserve to live unless I could live it in a thin body. Something that helped me break my cycle was learning to love myself the way I was and adopting an attitude that said health mattered more than size. There are some popular groups on this topic, like HAES, but the idea is just that if we focus on trying to live a healthy balanced life and not on the guilt of what we're "failing" to do or be, we can really free ourselves. I hope you find something that works for you because this cycle can be toxic. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that right now.
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