(no subject)
Why do I feel like every freaking entry in this is so depressing?
Haha, maybe because it is.
Or because I only write in this when I feel depressed.
I'm just so sick of all this change. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, only memories to look back upon and miss them. It seems as if all my friends have grown apart from me, whether they moved away or we just don't hang out anymore. All I do now is go through my routine. School, home, sleep..blah blah blah. And the majority of my time is spent worrying about college. Gah, I just hate it. Why is it that when you graduate and turn 18, you're suddenly forced to become a completely different person than you were before? Suddenly you are forced to make decisions that are simply too overwhelming, you have to pay for things that eat away at your savings, and you basically lose all of your friends because of a stupid thing like college? Every single one of my good friends is planning on going away for college, and who knows how often I'll ever see them again? Especially the ones who I haven't even really hung out with since at least last year?? It's not even really school that seems to be depressing me. School is just another thing I have to do. It's not stressful or even hard. But the only people I really see are my acquaintences who I only talk to because they're in my class. I don't even see my good friends anymore, and I don't have time to. And though I know this is completely hypocritical, it makes me feel like they don't even care. It seems like all people want from me is to fulfill my obligations to get good grades, go to rehearsal, and get into college. What if I want more? What if I want something to really be passionate about? Everybody I know fills their time with things they really love, but all I do is do things I HAVE to do. I really can't find anything i LOVE to do anymore. Singing has been destroyed because I can't even do it in the privacy of my own room without being shushed by someone. And it's clear musical theatre won't do that for me. Even Fiddler isn't turning out to be so much fun. Yeah yeah, it's not like i would go back and NOT do it, but the show is boring. I'm only in about 4 scenes, and our stupid director just makes us stand around the whole scene. And I don't even enjoy church anymore. We have about 5 people in our "youth group", so there's no point in really having a separate thing on Sunday, and the sermons are really for adults, therefore I can't make myself concentrate on them and learn from them. Yeah, our church is growing, but we get mostly adults and kids. NO high schoolers or college kids who are my age. Yeah. I sit by myself at church. Every week. And it's not like I really WANT to go find another church, because I want to support my family and be a part of what they're doing. And I absolutely DESPISE being "the new kid", so I wouldn't really want to find a new church anyway. And I don't feel comfortable going to RMCC. It just feels like I don't belong there. So I guess I'm stuck.
Maybe the problem is that I never meet anybody. Everytime someone asks me if there's any guys out there I like or whatever, I can truthfully say no, because the onlyguys I ever come into contact with are theatre guys, (which I don't really want to get involved with that way, nor do they seem EVER in any way interested in me), and honors kids, who could really care less about girls, and there's none of them that I really want to date anyway. Oh yeah. And all my friends who don't even live in Mesa. Alot of good that'll do me. And yet I still make myself depressed, wondering why boys don't like me.
Which forces me to always keep to myself and feel soooo antisocial, which in turn makes me think people don't even want to talk to me or don't care, when in reality it's probably my fault. Or maybe not. Maybe they are sick of being friends with me. And yet I don't care. And I absolutely HATE to say this, but right now there's nothing I'm really living for. No, not even God, which is terrible, but true. I haven't read my Bible in weeks, and I can't bring myself to really enjoy church, simply because of social aspects. And every time I really get a moment to myself, I want to use it to relax myself, and go to sleep or something, which I never get enough of. I'm just so sick of living this life that I don't even care about. I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone, that I try so hard to impress, and they don't give a crap. And I find myself angry at everybody all the time, because they don't understand all the "pain" I'm going through. What a bunch of crap. I'm just sick of it all. All I do is find myself wishing things were "like they used to be", or "in the good 'ol days". I guess I have to remember that theres was crap in those days too.
Haha, maybe because it is.
Or because I only write in this when I feel depressed.
I'm just so sick of all this change. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, only memories to look back upon and miss them. It seems as if all my friends have grown apart from me, whether they moved away or we just don't hang out anymore. All I do now is go through my routine. School, home, sleep..blah blah blah. And the majority of my time is spent worrying about college. Gah, I just hate it. Why is it that when you graduate and turn 18, you're suddenly forced to become a completely different person than you were before? Suddenly you are forced to make decisions that are simply too overwhelming, you have to pay for things that eat away at your savings, and you basically lose all of your friends because of a stupid thing like college? Every single one of my good friends is planning on going away for college, and who knows how often I'll ever see them again? Especially the ones who I haven't even really hung out with since at least last year?? It's not even really school that seems to be depressing me. School is just another thing I have to do. It's not stressful or even hard. But the only people I really see are my acquaintences who I only talk to because they're in my class. I don't even see my good friends anymore, and I don't have time to. And though I know this is completely hypocritical, it makes me feel like they don't even care. It seems like all people want from me is to fulfill my obligations to get good grades, go to rehearsal, and get into college. What if I want more? What if I want something to really be passionate about? Everybody I know fills their time with things they really love, but all I do is do things I HAVE to do. I really can't find anything i LOVE to do anymore. Singing has been destroyed because I can't even do it in the privacy of my own room without being shushed by someone. And it's clear musical theatre won't do that for me. Even Fiddler isn't turning out to be so much fun. Yeah yeah, it's not like i would go back and NOT do it, but the show is boring. I'm only in about 4 scenes, and our stupid director just makes us stand around the whole scene. And I don't even enjoy church anymore. We have about 5 people in our "youth group", so there's no point in really having a separate thing on Sunday, and the sermons are really for adults, therefore I can't make myself concentrate on them and learn from them. Yeah, our church is growing, but we get mostly adults and kids. NO high schoolers or college kids who are my age. Yeah. I sit by myself at church. Every week. And it's not like I really WANT to go find another church, because I want to support my family and be a part of what they're doing. And I absolutely DESPISE being "the new kid", so I wouldn't really want to find a new church anyway. And I don't feel comfortable going to RMCC. It just feels like I don't belong there. So I guess I'm stuck.
Maybe the problem is that I never meet anybody. Everytime someone asks me if there's any guys out there I like or whatever, I can truthfully say no, because the onlyguys I ever come into contact with are theatre guys, (which I don't really want to get involved with that way, nor do they seem EVER in any way interested in me), and honors kids, who could really care less about girls, and there's none of them that I really want to date anyway. Oh yeah. And all my friends who don't even live in Mesa. Alot of good that'll do me. And yet I still make myself depressed, wondering why boys don't like me.
Which forces me to always keep to myself and feel soooo antisocial, which in turn makes me think people don't even want to talk to me or don't care, when in reality it's probably my fault. Or maybe not. Maybe they are sick of being friends with me. And yet I don't care. And I absolutely HATE to say this, but right now there's nothing I'm really living for. No, not even God, which is terrible, but true. I haven't read my Bible in weeks, and I can't bring myself to really enjoy church, simply because of social aspects. And every time I really get a moment to myself, I want to use it to relax myself, and go to sleep or something, which I never get enough of. I'm just so sick of living this life that I don't even care about. I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone, that I try so hard to impress, and they don't give a crap. And I find myself angry at everybody all the time, because they don't understand all the "pain" I'm going through. What a bunch of crap. I'm just sick of it all. All I do is find myself wishing things were "like they used to be", or "in the good 'ol days". I guess I have to remember that theres was crap in those days too.