Why I don't make promises anymore..... His birthday is on Friday.... he would've been 28 this year.

[kateybee690]

I dated Ryan for about four months, not long. But he was an angel through and through. He is the one of the few guys I've dated who in no way abused me. More than that though, he was just a truly wonderful guy, who was also drop dead gorgous. He had so much going for him. He was funny, intelligent, kind, driven, comforting and just so sweet. So of

Comments

[withloveandsqlr]

thank you, that was probably painful to share, but i'm glad you did.
(hug)

[kateybee690]

It is painful to share, yeah, but it's also cleansing and good to actually get it out there. Sometimes when I don't talk about him I fel like I'm doing it to forget him. And I don't want to forget him.

[withloveandsqlr]

that is a good point, it is better to get it out there, as to not forget.

but "love is more thicker than forget."

[starletsonata]

i dont know what i would have done. I dont know what i should even say, or if i even have the right to say this.

part of me thinks extremely rationally. what if he but had done it sometime later on, if not then? there's always free will. was it so hard to not wait an hour more? My friends and myself... we're always running late. It just happens no matter how many times we promise and guarantee. it just happens.

...

but why do the ones we love... see only our failures to them? our broken promises? our losses to connect?
they dont think of those beautiful moments, times where connection not just sparked, but fucking flared. Times where they loved us, when we loved them.. can't they see how much we care?

gnah.. im sorry to ramble so...

[kateybee690]

Yeah, I'm a big believer that you are born when you're meant to be born and you die when you are meant to die. The parts in between? Free will I guess. I do believe that he was meant to die when he did. I don't blame myself as much anymore. But there are still times when I think about it and think about what I could've done differently. If only a phonecall so I could tell him I loved him once more

[karen_walker]

sorry about snapping on your angelina jolie comment in my journal. this is exactly why i love her and get so defensive. her movie Girl, Interrupted literally saved my life. in the scene where winona ryder finds her friend has just committed suicide is what stopped me from going through with what i'd been planning. it was in that split second of that scene that i decided i could never let anyone i cared about find me that way. i'm sorry that you had to find him that way...

[kateybee690]

Yeah, that movie is one of my favorites. I actually prefer the book (have you read it? Very good one.) ever though it skips around unlike the movie. Yeah, whenever I see a suicide scene in some movie it automatically flicks back to Ryan. Ryan wasn't the only person I've found after a suicide. He was the first of three that I witnessed after the fact. (I think he was number 8 or 9 out of 17 that I've known.) I especially hate the scene in Girl, Interupted since it occurs in a bathroom as well.

love you

[wilderthanher]

I love you Katey. I just think you were so young when Ryan killed himself. And we're all stupid at that age. Hell I'm still making stupid decisions all the time now. You know that you and I don't see eye to eye on the whole things happening when they're meant to thing, but I have a different explanation I guess. It's just that sometimes life is really fucked up. And when something like this happens it tears a hole in you. I don't know maybe it's just me, but sometimes I think it's better just to see that there's no reason for some things. It's not your fault, because you were not there on time. I don't even think it's his fault for feeling the way he did. When you are deeply depressed you're not really in control and you know that as well as I do. I think all you can do is realize what a horrible waste it is to lose such a beautiful person and remember him for what he was. I love you and I'm sending you hugs and kisses.
Love,
Shell

Re: love you

[kateybee690]

I think the part that always got me the most is that he WASN'T deeply depressed. He never even let on that he was mildly depressed. He had his ups and downs, yeah, but they were within a normal spectrum. It wasn't like when Corey killed himself and everyone was like "Well, yeah, he was schitzophrenic, it makes sense." With Ryan it was so out of nowhere. I was the one who was closest too him and feel like he must've given some slight sign that it was coming. And I missed the sign I guess. You have no idea how many times I've gone over every moment I spent with him searching for some little clue that he wasn't okay. The only time I have ever been able to come up with was a few days after I broke up with him and he aske me if I was happy with Nick. I replied that I was and I really felt I could be good for Nick. He gave a little half smile and said, "Maybe you should try and help someone who doesn't already plan on dying young. Maybe Nick isn't the one you are supposed to save." At the time I never thought he was talking about himself

[drzre]

"Maybe I would still know where fucking Orion's Belt is when I look up at the stars. Because without him, when I look up at the stars I just see stars. I don't see the point of them, the order. I don't see the beauty without him here."

you know that's love, when someone makes you see everything more beautifully.

usually i've got a mouthful of words, but things like this leave me speechless.
i'm sorry.
<3

[kateybee690]

Thank you. The world truly was more beautiful when he was in it. I am not the only one who's made that comment about him. He was one of those people, y'know, who you could simply just be near him and things were better somehow. It's funny, at a get-together we had on his birthday the year after he died I made the comment that I feel bad for people in this world who never got to meet him and suddenly three other people there looked at m and said they'd said the exact same thing and one of them showed me her journal where it said that. He was someone who you just think everyone deserved to know.

Thanks. :) Hugs to you.

[drzre]

wow. i wish i had the chance to meet him, then.

maybe in heaven...