Cross-posted to Depression group...
Went on an interview today. When I came back I was just so depressed. It feels like nothing is ever going to get better. All I do is sit at home (since I don't have a job, I don't go out anywhere...maybe to the Y every now and again, but I'm usually up late), clean ferret cages, wash dishes, clean litters, pick up poop. I'm just so sick of it. So sick of my life. It seems like all I've done my whole life is screw up, work, and suffer. It sounds melodramatic, but I wish I could get a break sometime in my life.
I was starting to have a good old fashioned tantrum today, but DH came in and made a big deal out of it. I try not to talk to him about it too much because then he gets depressed and I have to deal with that.
I didn't go to water intervals today. I was cleaning house. I have all this pent up anger, frustration about everything (P being a dick and not sending my chip back so I can return it, we got an HDTV, bought a HD Dish, just to find out it doesn't work right and we they have to install a post, which they won't do since it's considered winter still, had my game fucked up---sometimes even I think it's childish to care so much about a game, but with GH I can just zone out and things don't seem so bad after a while. I'm tired of being disappointed in my life. About not going anywhere, it doesn't seem like. When things start going all right, it seems like life works out just long enough for me to get used to it a little, then it's all ripped away again. So we returned the TV and have to resell the dish back on Ebay.
Sometimes I have such self loathing and anger it scares me sometimes. Like I want to just end shit, but I don't have the balls. I wonder if things would be any different if I had life insurance, since I am not worth anything now. I wouldn't want DH to go through the expense of cremation, etc. I'm tired of being poor and suffering. I hate myself so much sometimes.
Now comes all this shit with unemployment. MN was supposed to take over since according to WI, I don't have any more money in that account. But MN says I have to apply for an extension with WI, but WI says I don't have enough money in that account. Grrr.
I'm sick of life but too broke to end it.