oh i like! this rewrite better than any of the previous drafts. it's much more rooted and flows together making sense of itself as it goes. the one spot that's still a bit bothersome to me is the jump from grown acres to long lengths of equateds -- though i absolutely love both images i can't see them as having anything to do with each other. i like! i like much! ~ c.
Wow. This is one of the best poems I've ever read, no lie. I don't know precisely why, but I find this to be really amazing. I like the fifth and longest "section" the best.
The only line that didn't seem to flow was this: "memory will never supercede movies". Reading the word "movies" there was a little awkward for some reason. Not sure why.
Oops, I hit submit too quickly. I meant to add that I understood why the "movies" line was in there, in the context of the poem, but just that "movies" sounded like the wrong word to me.
i only now had the time to read this, but now its done, and its wonderful. it really is. the sounds for this one, intended or not, are lovely. i especially enjoy the sounds the equateds-verse and the river-verse makes. yeh. i'll have to read it again.
also, yes, you are right, the sounds of "equateds" and "river" are the most interesting... though I didn't give much conscious thought to sounds while writing this one
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i like! i like much!
~ c.
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I'll have to think about that jarring transition... maybe if I switch "equateds" with the following verse "manage time"
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~ c.
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The only line that didn't seem to flow was this: "memory will never supercede movies". Reading the word "movies" there was a little awkward for some reason. Not sure why.
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that's high praise indeed.
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