(no subject)
title: last song
pairing: none
rating: G
disclaimer: In a parallel universe, maybe this is real, but in this one? Not a chance.
warning(s): nothing really. everybody has heard that Akanishi is leaving by now
summary: Maybe, it's time to move on.
a/n: I have no idea what the last song they recorded together is. I don't think it matters too much in this piece.
There's that feeling again, you think to yourself as you walk into the studio, studying a page of lyrics rather than the familiar surroundings. You try not to dwell on it too much as you make your way into the elevator and push the button for the third floor.
It's kind of like sinking or maybe falling, because you know too well those are completely different feelings. The sinking was when Jin Akanishi, you remand yourself silently, left for LA back in 2006 and the falling was from when he came back. You sigh and wonder if you'll ever get things right.
The only ones talking when you arrived in the waiting room were the director and sound technician. You shrug off your coat and drop into a seat next to Nakamaru who offers up a brief smile before his attention goes back to his cell phone. There was a new girl; he'd told you about her last time you saw each other. Maybe it took his minds off other things.
"Oh, look."
You look over at Taguchi and glance quickly over the magazine page he is holding up. There's that feeling again.
"It's still not as big as the Empire State Building," Taguchi says, turning the magazine back around and peering closer at the two diagrams spread across the page. "I wonder what it'd be like to stand at the bottom..." he trailed off, gazing thoughtfully at the page. You swallow and it's like there's something stuck.
"Junno, shut up," Koki mutters as he watches you. It makes you a little angry; why do they always have to act like they're walking on eggshells around you these days? You can handle things as good as they can. Ah, bullshit. But at least you can pretend.
The director nods and claps his hands together. You all jump. "Okay, we're ready to start. Please come through."
Ueda is the first one through the door and you follow close behind those tense shoulders trying to ignore the fact that he would shudder slightly with every step. Maybe he's cold. Maybe you should lend him your coat. Maybe you should just stop trying to pretend like everyone's okay.
There's something about this song that no one likes very much; it's written all over their faces. The melody is slow and played in the right situation, you know it would make you bawl.
Koki claps you on the shoulder as he takes his place next to you, pulling on a pair of headphones stepping up closer to the mic. You follow suit and standing so close to him feels so intimate that you have to swallow again. He pulls a face to make you laugh and there's a weight that disappears from your shoulders.
Akanishi appears two steps to your left and he's wearing those damn sunglasses of his, the ones that hide half his face. You wait for someone to tell him to remove them, but no one does. He's watching you quietly but you can't see his eyes so you turn away and focus your attention on the director who is standing behind a pane of glass and talking to a lady who sits in front of a mixing board.
The music stops and the director's voice crackles over a speaker. "Ready?" There are nods all around and you hesitate a moment before tilting your head sharply. Were you ready? Knowing what this all meant? Would you ever be ready?
There's silence in your headphones and the sudden noise makes you start. You glance at Akanishi who, despite the glasses and secrecy, has his eyes closed as he hums. You know he does because you know him. You know him.
Before you realise it, there are words seeping from your lips. "There's a time and a place for everything..."
Once it's done and you're back in the waiting room picking up your jacket the reality of the situation begins to truly sink in. You'd spent the night telling yourself that you could do this, that it wasn't that big of a deal, that it was the same as every other time you stood behind a microphone. But now that it'd happened, that it was done, you just wanted to go back and start again. It would never be enough. You would always want to record that last song one more time.
Ueda was sitting in the corner on a wooden chair facing the wall. The sight broke your heart. Taguchi had his magazine open again and you realise that everyone copes differently. You look towards Nakamaru who has a smile on his face and Koki who is laughing and know that they're as broken as you are.
Akanishi stands by the door with his glasses still plastered to his face and you smile to yourself. He's no better off than the rest of us, you think. His head angles sideways when he notices you and you shake your head and walk over to him.
You take every step slowly and try and imprint them all on your memory. You reach up and take the glasses from him and slip one of the arms into the collar off your shirt. Savour each moment. "Good work," you say with a grin. He frowns for a moment before nodding.
"You too."
You study his face and suddenly everything clicks into place.
He frowns again. "What?"
You smile and rock back on your heels. "You remember when you told me you were leaving?"
He shifts uncomfortably, looks to his left, and nods. "Yeah. You just walked away from me without saying anything."
"I kept thinking, Why? Why Jin? Why not Kondo-san or Matsumoto? That's what kept going through my head for days." You shake your head. "I get it now."
"Huh? Get what?"
"Why you were going to be the one to debut in America. Kondo-san is too old; Matsumoto loves where he is too much to go anywhere." He doesn't say anything and you're sure that one day that will annoy you more than anything he could have said, but right now, it doesn't matter. "You, you're the perfect choice. You're talented and ambitious and good-looking and the one thing you want the most is to have people love you. Japan loves you, Akanishi, but that isn't enough. You want more and you can only get that by-"
You stop speaking and swallow. Oh. That feeling. It makes sense now. You'd just never thought it through well enough before.
"You can only get that by leaving us," you finish and the feeling gives way to numbness. You look at him and see all the memories and all the fights and all the laughter and you know deep in your heart that all of that is finally over. You knew it had to happen one day, you tell yourself and the thought cheers you up a bit. Even when you were fifteen, you knew this couldn't last forever. You had a good run, you had some amazing times, and actually, that was enough.
That was enough.
And you know that this is something you believe, because that feeling disappears and you're still smiling.
Loneliness (lone-li-ness) noun : an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness, isolation, and occasionally abandonment.
pairing: none
rating: G
disclaimer: In a parallel universe, maybe this is real, but in this one? Not a chance.
warning(s): nothing really. everybody has heard that Akanishi is leaving by now
summary: Maybe, it's time to move on.
a/n: I have no idea what the last song they recorded together is. I don't think it matters too much in this piece.
There's that feeling again, you think to yourself as you walk into the studio, studying a page of lyrics rather than the familiar surroundings. You try not to dwell on it too much as you make your way into the elevator and push the button for the third floor.
It's kind of like sinking or maybe falling, because you know too well those are completely different feelings. The sinking was when Jin Akanishi, you remand yourself silently, left for LA back in 2006 and the falling was from when he came back. You sigh and wonder if you'll ever get things right.
The only ones talking when you arrived in the waiting room were the director and sound technician. You shrug off your coat and drop into a seat next to Nakamaru who offers up a brief smile before his attention goes back to his cell phone. There was a new girl; he'd told you about her last time you saw each other. Maybe it took his minds off other things.
"Oh, look."
You look over at Taguchi and glance quickly over the magazine page he is holding up. There's that feeling again.
"It's still not as big as the Empire State Building," Taguchi says, turning the magazine back around and peering closer at the two diagrams spread across the page. "I wonder what it'd be like to stand at the bottom..." he trailed off, gazing thoughtfully at the page. You swallow and it's like there's something stuck.
"Junno, shut up," Koki mutters as he watches you. It makes you a little angry; why do they always have to act like they're walking on eggshells around you these days? You can handle things as good as they can. Ah, bullshit. But at least you can pretend.
The director nods and claps his hands together. You all jump. "Okay, we're ready to start. Please come through."
Ueda is the first one through the door and you follow close behind those tense shoulders trying to ignore the fact that he would shudder slightly with every step. Maybe he's cold. Maybe you should lend him your coat. Maybe you should just stop trying to pretend like everyone's okay.
There's something about this song that no one likes very much; it's written all over their faces. The melody is slow and played in the right situation, you know it would make you bawl.
Koki claps you on the shoulder as he takes his place next to you, pulling on a pair of headphones stepping up closer to the mic. You follow suit and standing so close to him feels so intimate that you have to swallow again. He pulls a face to make you laugh and there's a weight that disappears from your shoulders.
Akanishi appears two steps to your left and he's wearing those damn sunglasses of his, the ones that hide half his face. You wait for someone to tell him to remove them, but no one does. He's watching you quietly but you can't see his eyes so you turn away and focus your attention on the director who is standing behind a pane of glass and talking to a lady who sits in front of a mixing board.
The music stops and the director's voice crackles over a speaker. "Ready?" There are nods all around and you hesitate a moment before tilting your head sharply. Were you ready? Knowing what this all meant? Would you ever be ready?
There's silence in your headphones and the sudden noise makes you start. You glance at Akanishi who, despite the glasses and secrecy, has his eyes closed as he hums. You know he does because you know him. You know him.
Before you realise it, there are words seeping from your lips. "There's a time and a place for everything..."
Once it's done and you're back in the waiting room picking up your jacket the reality of the situation begins to truly sink in. You'd spent the night telling yourself that you could do this, that it wasn't that big of a deal, that it was the same as every other time you stood behind a microphone. But now that it'd happened, that it was done, you just wanted to go back and start again. It would never be enough. You would always want to record that last song one more time.
Ueda was sitting in the corner on a wooden chair facing the wall. The sight broke your heart. Taguchi had his magazine open again and you realise that everyone copes differently. You look towards Nakamaru who has a smile on his face and Koki who is laughing and know that they're as broken as you are.
Akanishi stands by the door with his glasses still plastered to his face and you smile to yourself. He's no better off than the rest of us, you think. His head angles sideways when he notices you and you shake your head and walk over to him.
You take every step slowly and try and imprint them all on your memory. You reach up and take the glasses from him and slip one of the arms into the collar off your shirt. Savour each moment. "Good work," you say with a grin. He frowns for a moment before nodding.
"You too."
You study his face and suddenly everything clicks into place.
He frowns again. "What?"
You smile and rock back on your heels. "You remember when you told me you were leaving?"
He shifts uncomfortably, looks to his left, and nods. "Yeah. You just walked away from me without saying anything."
"I kept thinking, Why? Why Jin? Why not Kondo-san or Matsumoto? That's what kept going through my head for days." You shake your head. "I get it now."
"Huh? Get what?"
"Why you were going to be the one to debut in America. Kondo-san is too old; Matsumoto loves where he is too much to go anywhere." He doesn't say anything and you're sure that one day that will annoy you more than anything he could have said, but right now, it doesn't matter. "You, you're the perfect choice. You're talented and ambitious and good-looking and the one thing you want the most is to have people love you. Japan loves you, Akanishi, but that isn't enough. You want more and you can only get that by-"
You stop speaking and swallow. Oh. That feeling. It makes sense now. You'd just never thought it through well enough before.
"You can only get that by leaving us," you finish and the feeling gives way to numbness. You look at him and see all the memories and all the fights and all the laughter and you know deep in your heart that all of that is finally over. You knew it had to happen one day, you tell yourself and the thought cheers you up a bit. Even when you were fifteen, you knew this couldn't last forever. You had a good run, you had some amazing times, and actually, that was enough.
That was enough.
And you know that this is something you believe, because that feeling disappears and you're still smiling.
Loneliness (lone-li-ness) noun : an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness, isolation, and occasionally abandonment.