Fic: Crush
Arthur lay on his bed staring at the ceiling, because in times like this that seemed as good a thing to do as any.
"Lancelot said Gwen didn't have feelings like that for him. That's good news right?" said Merlin, who was going about his evening tasks.
"Merlin, your idiocy sometimes concerns me. Do you work at it by hitting yourself with very large rocks?" Arthur sighed. It wasn't a very good insult, clearly this whole situation was having a deleterious effect on all aspects of his life. "Of course Lancelot is saying that, he wants to be a knight and I'm the prince and he doesn't want to offend me."
"You know, it is possible that isn't Lancelot's first concern."
"I can not believe that you are the only person I can discuss this with. Normally I would talk to someone with a brain, someone like Lancelot, but that clearly isn't an option, and Gwen's Morgana's maid and my father..." He let his eyes trace the wooden beams back and forth across the ceiling. "The stupid thing is that I can't give her a reason not to be with Lancelot. We can't be together like that." He listened to Merlin's soft steps as he moved about the room putting his things away. "I hate seeing her talking to other people, and laughing. I'm jealous of Morgana and the kitchen girls because they at least get to talk to her."
"Well," said Merlin, as he started repairing a hole in his tunic, "You could try being her friend." Arthur groaned.
"Merlin, I can't be friends with servants." The room suddenly seemed unnaturally quiet. He looked down his nose at Merlin who had stopped sewing.
"Well, Your Highness, I just remembered that your armor needs a good shine, so I'll leave you to your pining."
"I didn't dismiss you."
"I'm afraid that I just wouldn't feel right if your armor didn't look its best tomorrow. You'll just have to find a friend you can talk to about your girl problems." And with that, Merlin stormed out of the room.
What, wondered Arthur staring at the door perplexedly, was that all about?
***
It was indescribably annoying how much effort it took to not look at someone, because even if you didn't look at them, you were thinking about not looking at them, and why you weren't looking at them, except the reason you weren't looking at them in the first place was so you didn't think about them... it was a vicious circle of pain. Arthur looked forward to his practice sessions tomorrow. He was pretty sure that if he could just hit something he'd feel better. Something like Lancelot. If he cracked Lancelot's skull at practice no one would suspect a thing! Except Merlin...that idiot.
Arthur leaned back in his seat at the great table and drank his wine and attempted to look cool and aloof, just in case anyone was watching. Or should he try for jovial, because he was having the best time ever, because it's good to be the prince? His eyes darted around the room, barely registering faces in their hurry to find a safe place to rest.
Morgana squeezed his forearm and he almost jumped out of his chair in surprise. Where had she come from?
"Are you all right?" asked Morgana. "You look sort of... concussed? You just dribbled wine down your chin."
"I'm fine," snapped Arthur, wiping his mouth hastily with his sleeve. Then, remembering to be polite, continued, "and how are you?" Morgana looked concerned. Did she suspect? He'd been so careful! Maybe Merlin had let something slip?
Merlin. Why'd he have to have that stupid emotional scene ...or that second emotional scene. You don't get all...sentimental... in front of servants. Not only is it an idiotic way to behave but then they go around looking at you all pityingly. He, Arthur Pendragon, was not going to be pitied by that fool Merlin. Although since last night, Merlin had been keeping his distance from him as well. He almost looked around the room for him before remembering that he was probably standing next to Gwen, as usual.
When he had finished eating, Arthur made a point of sitting around for an extra half hour because he was fine and then made his way to his rooms where he would do something useful like read one of those books Gaius always talked about and he would not stare at the ceiling, because that was a silly thing to do.
Arthur was concentrating so deeply on the importance of reading that he finally succeeded in forgetting where Gwen was. Which was probably why he felt so completely shaken when he opened the door to his quarters and found her there waiting for him.
"Sire, could you please stop ignoring me for just a few minutes!"
"I...don't know what you mean," said Arthur gathering his dignity together. "If you'll excuse me, I need to continue my reading on Pwyll." He stepped forward. When Gwen stepped back, refusing his right to privacy in his own room, he started pulling off his shirt.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Gwen screeched throwing her hands in front of her eyes and back peddling until her back connected with his bed. Her cheeks were flushed, Arthur was sure she would run at any moment.
"It's my room," he said innocently, heaving his tunic onto the bed next to her. Gwen jumped.
"I... I am trying to have serious conversation with you."
"And I am trying to have some peace and quiet in my own room," drawled? Arthur.
"There's nothing going on between Lancelot and..."
"And who?" interrupted Arthur.
"And I," finished Gwen, looking confused--as she should be. She glanced at him hesitantly before returning her gaze to his bed post. "I just thought you'd like to know. And can you please put your shirt back on?" She thrust the article of clothing at him, her eyes firmly closed. Arthur snatched it from her yanked it over his head.
"Well I can't think why I'd want to know that." Arthur punctuated this statement by shoving his arms angrily through his sleeves and ignored the sound of tearing fabric. Arthur wasn't a fool. He knew what he'd seen.
Squaring her shoulders, Gwen faced him, staring him in the eyes and pressing her lips together in a way he had learned meant she was angry.
"Why are you being this way then?"
"I'm not being any way. I'm Prince Arthur." Inwardly he winced at how juvenile that last bit sounded. Gwen seemed to agree. Folding her arms across her chest, Gwen continued, her voice hard as if he were her misbehaving younger brother.
"It's just a crush." Maybe not so much like a younger brother.
"What?"
"It's just a crush. The only reason you think what you're feeling is anything else is because you're used to getting what you want."
"How do you have any idea at all what I'm feeling?" Arthur bit out. He was shocked by the vehemence in his voice, as was she. Tears seemed to be gathering in the corners of her eyes and he felt like the biggest ass in the kingdom.
"It's just a crush," whispered Gwen again, "They can make you happy and they can make you miserable. And you've been miserable for days."
"I've been completely fine."
"You've been weird."
"I have been completely normal." Gwen's lips twitched as if she was about to smile before dipping back into a frown.
"What I'm trying to say is... there was something between us," Gwen hurried on when it looked like he was going to interrupt, "at least on my part. But I'm well aware of what is possible and impossible, and I know better than to build it up into something it's not. I mean, Arthur, you don't know anything about me, and I'll be the first to admit that I don't have you figured out at all."
"Really, because this lecture would imply otherwise." This time Gwen did smile. It was a really lovely smile.
"The point is--"
"--that it's a crush."
"Exactly. We've had them before and someday we'll have them again." However good Arthur had been feeling a moment before vanished.
"You've had crushes before?!"
"Well...yes. Obviously."
"How is that obvious? Who have you had crushes on?" Gwen attempted to retreat but was stopped once again by his bed post. "Lancelot I bet," continued Arthur sourly, "With his good hair and prominent cheek bones."
"Arthur, I do not have a crush on Lancelot. He's a good friend...but that's it."
"Why? Aren't you attracted to good hair and cheekbones?" Gwen's eyebrows drew together in bewilderment and her eyes searched his face, hopefully registering his hair and facial features.
"I... am attracted to... those things. But that doesn't mean I have a crush on Lancelot."
"Well then who did you have a crush on?"
"No.. no one you know." Gwen was a really terrible liar. This was strangely comforting.
"So I do know him! Out with it."
"I really have to be going."
"Guinevere!" He called, but with just a brief backwards glance, she hurried out of the room.
At least he got the last word.
***
When Merlin entered his chambers an hour later, with all the stealth of a starving puppy, Arthur was deeply immersed in a book. He had read the last page at least ten times but for the life of him could not figure out what this Virgil was going on about.
"I just mended this shirt yesterday!" came a despairing cry from the vicinity of his wardrobe.
"Well, you're going to have to mend it again." Really, what sort of servant complains about doing work? Silently, Merlin started working on the tears in his shirt sleeves while Arthur pretended to read. It wasn't his fault he couldn't concentrate. Pursing his lips, Arthur rolled onto his back and propped his head up with his arms.
"Merlin, do you know who Gwen had a crush on?"
"Sire?"
"Oh for god's sake answer the question. It isn't like you to be stingy with words."
"Gwen has a crush on someone?" Merlin repeated. Brain of a moth that one.
"Had a crush on someone. And apparently I know him but, being prince, I know a lot of people so that doesn't really count. Did she mention anything to you?"
Merlin frowned and shook his head.
"Maybe Morgana knows?"
Arthur nodded. He was probably right, Morgana and Gwen told each other everything, well not quite everything he hoped, he really hoped. But they were always whispering and laughing...
"So, ah, Merlin," Arthur coughed and tried to make his voice sound light, "How are things for you, lately, you know concerning your secret?" Merlin dropped his sewing and started fluttering about nervously.
"What do you mean?"
"With... Morgana."
"Morgana? Oh. Right. Yes. Cause I'm secretly in love with her? Fine...I mean, not fine, cause, like you said, we could never be friends and that makes things...difficult, and awkward and it's probably best if I just, you know, bottle these emotions right up and not talk about it anymore." Arthur frowned. Merlin was being evasive again. It was times like this when he had to wonder if Merlin might be smarter than he seemed, and chose idiocy out of convenience.
"You know, I might have been...mistaken...about the friends thing. You are, I think, a very good friend to Morgana."
"Thank you, Sire." said Merlin, and there was a note of sincerity in his voice that made Arthur extremely uncomfortable.
"Yes, well, don't get all daft about it. And if you do a better job fixing my shirt maybe you won't have to redo it tomorrow."