They say history repeats itself.
suchbluecurrents (7:48:53 PM): How're you feeling today?
DIRECT hit DANDY (7:49:09 PM): I feel like shit. Honestly, I've been shitty since like September. I am wallowing in shit, between Yulia and my family and my grades and my life and the fact that I've become such a beast.
suchbluecurrents (7:51:23 PM): But all of that will get better eventually. Did you talk to Yulia yet?
DIRECT hit DANDY (7:54:44 PM): I cut ties with her, and then cried for hours.
suchbluecurrents (7:55:04 PM): How did she take it?
DIRECT hit DANDY (7:56:11 PM): She didn't listen to a thing I said, refuses to admit her wrongdoings, and instead made a snide "Is this a text-message break up?" comment.
suchbluecurrents (7:56:37 PM): Ugh. Of course. So what're you going to do now?
DIRECT hit DANDY (7:58:17 PM): I am going to shut myself off from the world.
suchbluecurrents (7:58:52 PM): But that will just make everything worse, honey.
DIRECT hit DANDY (7:59:52 PM): If I shut myself out for a while, I can come back and be a brand new robot.
suchbluecurrents (8:01:41 PM): But if there's no one there to tell you that they love you or there's no one there to stop you... I don't know. I just worry, I guess.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:02:22 PM): Bahahaha love. Ahem.
suchbluecurrents (8:02:46 PM): You don't think your friends love you?
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:03:14 PM): Some of them. Maybe.
suchbluecurrents (8:04:29 PM): Do you think that because you know it, or because you don't like yourself and you just project that on people? Because I bet a lot more of them love you than you think.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:06:13 PM): I think that because I find myself completley unloveable. I'm crude and obnoxious, I'm violent and I am moodier than a bitch in heat. And I have no concept of political correctness.
suchbluecurrents (8:07:53 PM): And those are just negatives. There are good things, too, you know. I don't know if this is the same kind of situation, but I was really hard on myself too, and my therapist asked me to list 25 negatives and 25 positives about myself. And I had all the negatives and I think 3 positives. I don't know, this sounds weird, but I think part of the problem is that you just have to learn to accept that there are bad things about you, and some of them are probably created because you feel bad about yourself. And really try to identify what is good and what you can work on. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to preach to you...
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:13:11 PM): But I don't think there's anything good about me. I'm self-centered and I am the queen of faux-sympathy. Most of the time. Oh, I make a great fool of myself. There, that's one good thing.
suchbluecurrents (8:14:09 PM): I could tell you things that I see, but it wouldn't really make a difference, I don't think.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:14:30 PM): Sigh.
suchbluecurrents (8:15:11 PM): Honestly, the things you list are things that are problems with most people. They dont' make you exceptionally bad.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:16:09 PM): I have had my misgivings beaten into my head for years. They're the only thing about myself I identify with.
suchbluecurrents (8:18:21 PM): I know. And it sounds impossible, but you have to learn to at least accept those things about yourself and be okay with them. Because at the end of the day, people are going to hurt you more often than not, and you have to know that you are a good person. You have to be able to rely on yourself. And it's really hard, it is. But it makes everythign so much better.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:18:47 PM): I lack the willpower. I'm much more comfortable structuring myself around the bad bits of me.
suchbluecurrents (8:19:15 PM): But then nothing will ever change.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:19:38 PM): But then I'd make a great lawyer.
suchbluecurrents (8:20:32 PM): And it's not about getting rid of everything bad about yourself because that's impossible. It's about learning to accept that you make mistakes and do bad things, but knowing that it doesn't ruin you as a person. It makes you human, and that's it.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:22:35 PM): As a person, I'm already ruined. I've torn myself apart and I don't know who I am. I'm trying to rebuild but a metaphorical tornado keeps blowing the pieces farther and farther away.
suchbluecurrents (8:23:29 PM): So use it as an opportunity to fortify good things about yourself, you know?
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:23:48 PM): I don't know what those good things are.
suchbluecurrents (8:24:11 PM): What difference does it make? Try them on, see if they fit.
suchbluecurrents (8:25:00 PM): You don't have to be who you were before. You broke, now you can rebuild yourself. And why rebuild yourself as a bitter, self-hating person? Make yourself whatever you want.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:25:37 PM): Because cynical, bitter self-loathing is all I know.
suchbluecurrents (8:26:09 PM): Yeah, it's scary to try to be happy. It really is. But it's better than never trying.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:26:40 PM): I've tried and I've given up. I am a void. A desolate little crater of a person and nothing fills this crater.
suchbluecurrents (8:26:56 PM): And it's kind of fun because everyone else is tuck being whatever and you can just try anything. Because you have nothing to lose.
suchbluecurrents (8:27:38 PM): Just think about it.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:28:08 PM): And for what? To let myself be abused again and lose it all? Why bother when I can stay where I am? And never have to go through that again.
suchbluecurrents (8:28:43 PM): Because the point is you're going to get hurt again no matter what you do. And if you build yourself up, you'll have something to rely on instead of nothing.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:30:24 PM): I prefer not to use crutches. They're uncomfortable.
suchbluecurrents (8:30:32 PM): Okay. At least think about it, then. That's all.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:31:23 PM): Please, don't allow me to drag you down.
suchbluecurrents (8:31:41 PM): I'm not letting you do anything.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:35:12 PM): I'm just in a terrible place right now in life. It's like I'm on a little boat in a big big ocean.
suchbluecurrents (8:35:39 PM): But you're not doing anything to help it, either.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:35:55 PM): Nope. I'm not strong enough, I'm not motivated enough, and I don't have the time to put any effort into me.
suchbluecurrents (8:37:12 PM): What do you expect, then?
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:37:24 PM): To wallow for a while.
suchbluecurrents (8:37:38 PM): But, after that?
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:39:41 PM): I don't plan ahead.
suchbluecurrents (8:43:26 PM): Why did you ask me out then, if you think that you're unloveable? I'm just curious.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:43:50 PM): Because I like you.
suchbluecurrents (8:44:55 PM): But I mean... do you even think that it's possible that I could like you back? If that makes sense.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:46:09 PM): Like and love aren't the same.
suchbluecurrents (8:48:11 PM): I don't know. I think they're similar, really. One just has a future and one doesn't.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:49:29 PM): As my brother says (I just find this hilarious): you can like a taco, but would you want to spend the rest of your life with it?
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:50:27 PM): I'm sorry, I'm just... not capable of fixing right now.
suchbluecurrents (8:54:16 PM): Do you write? I mean, I know you write, but do you write about yourself? Because that helps the most.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:54:28 PM): Sometimes. Mostly, I just write about how much I've changed.
suchbluecurrents (8:56:47 PM): Well, I'm just saying, even if you aren't ready to make the effort to work on things, maybe you could just write abou tit.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:58:36 PM): I guess.
suchbluecurrents (8:59:21 PM): Because you can always find even two minutes to write on a spare piece of paper. And it'll make you feel crappy sometimes, but then it's out. And eventually, eventually, you'll get to something. Just do it like a free-write. Don't plan it out like a story, just put the pen on the paper and write whatever pops into your head. Whatever you feel about anything. Then you can know who you are. And who you want to be, at least a little. And that's better than nothing.
DIRECT hit DANDY (9:02:07 PM): I don't think I'll like who I become.
suchbluecurrents (9:02:23 PM): But you don't know that. I thought the same thing. And, yes, I have flaws now. I'm incredibly dramatic and afraid of everything and selfish and over-protective. But I know the roots of these things, and I know why they exist. So I'm okay with them. And eventually, I wrote the hate out of them. It sounds weird, but it's worth trying.
suchbluecurrents (9:09:20 PM): But I'll stop now and let you do your thing. Because that's not my place.
DIRECT hit DANDY (9:11:16 PM): I'm sorry... I just... I can't... I dunno.
DIRECT hit DANDY (7:49:09 PM): I feel like shit. Honestly, I've been shitty since like September. I am wallowing in shit, between Yulia and my family and my grades and my life and the fact that I've become such a beast.
suchbluecurrents (7:51:23 PM): But all of that will get better eventually. Did you talk to Yulia yet?
DIRECT hit DANDY (7:54:44 PM): I cut ties with her, and then cried for hours.
suchbluecurrents (7:55:04 PM): How did she take it?
DIRECT hit DANDY (7:56:11 PM): She didn't listen to a thing I said, refuses to admit her wrongdoings, and instead made a snide "Is this a text-message break up?" comment.
suchbluecurrents (7:56:37 PM): Ugh. Of course. So what're you going to do now?
DIRECT hit DANDY (7:58:17 PM): I am going to shut myself off from the world.
suchbluecurrents (7:58:52 PM): But that will just make everything worse, honey.
DIRECT hit DANDY (7:59:52 PM): If I shut myself out for a while, I can come back and be a brand new robot.
suchbluecurrents (8:01:41 PM): But if there's no one there to tell you that they love you or there's no one there to stop you... I don't know. I just worry, I guess.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:02:22 PM): Bahahaha love. Ahem.
suchbluecurrents (8:02:46 PM): You don't think your friends love you?
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:03:14 PM): Some of them. Maybe.
suchbluecurrents (8:04:29 PM): Do you think that because you know it, or because you don't like yourself and you just project that on people? Because I bet a lot more of them love you than you think.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:06:13 PM): I think that because I find myself completley unloveable. I'm crude and obnoxious, I'm violent and I am moodier than a bitch in heat. And I have no concept of political correctness.
suchbluecurrents (8:07:53 PM): And those are just negatives. There are good things, too, you know. I don't know if this is the same kind of situation, but I was really hard on myself too, and my therapist asked me to list 25 negatives and 25 positives about myself. And I had all the negatives and I think 3 positives. I don't know, this sounds weird, but I think part of the problem is that you just have to learn to accept that there are bad things about you, and some of them are probably created because you feel bad about yourself. And really try to identify what is good and what you can work on. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to preach to you...
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:13:11 PM): But I don't think there's anything good about me. I'm self-centered and I am the queen of faux-sympathy. Most of the time. Oh, I make a great fool of myself. There, that's one good thing.
suchbluecurrents (8:14:09 PM): I could tell you things that I see, but it wouldn't really make a difference, I don't think.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:14:30 PM): Sigh.
suchbluecurrents (8:15:11 PM): Honestly, the things you list are things that are problems with most people. They dont' make you exceptionally bad.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:16:09 PM): I have had my misgivings beaten into my head for years. They're the only thing about myself I identify with.
suchbluecurrents (8:18:21 PM): I know. And it sounds impossible, but you have to learn to at least accept those things about yourself and be okay with them. Because at the end of the day, people are going to hurt you more often than not, and you have to know that you are a good person. You have to be able to rely on yourself. And it's really hard, it is. But it makes everythign so much better.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:18:47 PM): I lack the willpower. I'm much more comfortable structuring myself around the bad bits of me.
suchbluecurrents (8:19:15 PM): But then nothing will ever change.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:19:38 PM): But then I'd make a great lawyer.
suchbluecurrents (8:20:32 PM): And it's not about getting rid of everything bad about yourself because that's impossible. It's about learning to accept that you make mistakes and do bad things, but knowing that it doesn't ruin you as a person. It makes you human, and that's it.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:22:35 PM): As a person, I'm already ruined. I've torn myself apart and I don't know who I am. I'm trying to rebuild but a metaphorical tornado keeps blowing the pieces farther and farther away.
suchbluecurrents (8:23:29 PM): So use it as an opportunity to fortify good things about yourself, you know?
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:23:48 PM): I don't know what those good things are.
suchbluecurrents (8:24:11 PM): What difference does it make? Try them on, see if they fit.
suchbluecurrents (8:25:00 PM): You don't have to be who you were before. You broke, now you can rebuild yourself. And why rebuild yourself as a bitter, self-hating person? Make yourself whatever you want.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:25:37 PM): Because cynical, bitter self-loathing is all I know.
suchbluecurrents (8:26:09 PM): Yeah, it's scary to try to be happy. It really is. But it's better than never trying.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:26:40 PM): I've tried and I've given up. I am a void. A desolate little crater of a person and nothing fills this crater.
suchbluecurrents (8:26:56 PM): And it's kind of fun because everyone else is tuck being whatever and you can just try anything. Because you have nothing to lose.
suchbluecurrents (8:27:38 PM): Just think about it.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:28:08 PM): And for what? To let myself be abused again and lose it all? Why bother when I can stay where I am? And never have to go through that again.
suchbluecurrents (8:28:43 PM): Because the point is you're going to get hurt again no matter what you do. And if you build yourself up, you'll have something to rely on instead of nothing.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:30:24 PM): I prefer not to use crutches. They're uncomfortable.
suchbluecurrents (8:30:32 PM): Okay. At least think about it, then. That's all.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:31:23 PM): Please, don't allow me to drag you down.
suchbluecurrents (8:31:41 PM): I'm not letting you do anything.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:35:12 PM): I'm just in a terrible place right now in life. It's like I'm on a little boat in a big big ocean.
suchbluecurrents (8:35:39 PM): But you're not doing anything to help it, either.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:35:55 PM): Nope. I'm not strong enough, I'm not motivated enough, and I don't have the time to put any effort into me.
suchbluecurrents (8:37:12 PM): What do you expect, then?
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:37:24 PM): To wallow for a while.
suchbluecurrents (8:37:38 PM): But, after that?
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:39:41 PM): I don't plan ahead.
suchbluecurrents (8:43:26 PM): Why did you ask me out then, if you think that you're unloveable? I'm just curious.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:43:50 PM): Because I like you.
suchbluecurrents (8:44:55 PM): But I mean... do you even think that it's possible that I could like you back? If that makes sense.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:46:09 PM): Like and love aren't the same.
suchbluecurrents (8:48:11 PM): I don't know. I think they're similar, really. One just has a future and one doesn't.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:49:29 PM): As my brother says (I just find this hilarious): you can like a taco, but would you want to spend the rest of your life with it?
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:50:27 PM): I'm sorry, I'm just... not capable of fixing right now.
suchbluecurrents (8:54:16 PM): Do you write? I mean, I know you write, but do you write about yourself? Because that helps the most.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:54:28 PM): Sometimes. Mostly, I just write about how much I've changed.
suchbluecurrents (8:56:47 PM): Well, I'm just saying, even if you aren't ready to make the effort to work on things, maybe you could just write abou tit.
DIRECT hit DANDY (8:58:36 PM): I guess.
suchbluecurrents (8:59:21 PM): Because you can always find even two minutes to write on a spare piece of paper. And it'll make you feel crappy sometimes, but then it's out. And eventually, eventually, you'll get to something. Just do it like a free-write. Don't plan it out like a story, just put the pen on the paper and write whatever pops into your head. Whatever you feel about anything. Then you can know who you are. And who you want to be, at least a little. And that's better than nothing.
DIRECT hit DANDY (9:02:07 PM): I don't think I'll like who I become.
suchbluecurrents (9:02:23 PM): But you don't know that. I thought the same thing. And, yes, I have flaws now. I'm incredibly dramatic and afraid of everything and selfish and over-protective. But I know the roots of these things, and I know why they exist. So I'm okay with them. And eventually, I wrote the hate out of them. It sounds weird, but it's worth trying.
suchbluecurrents (9:09:20 PM): But I'll stop now and let you do your thing. Because that's not my place.
DIRECT hit DANDY (9:11:16 PM): I'm sorry... I just... I can't... I dunno.