(no subject)
it seems as though i'm always just talking about my love life on here, and just my love life. not sure why. somehow i always have this thing where i like to share my thoughts with others. you're an anonymous audience, but it feels satisfying to pause and reflect on all this craziness out loud, so to speak. and blogger doesn't have the 'cut' function the way LJ does, and it's convenient to be able to hide your words behind a link, rather than having it in full view, in the face of my readers who may not want to tread through all the melodrama..
anyway. so i'm in a weird transition right now - weird, but kind of nice, because everything finally feels normal. i'm not battling with my heart, i'm not battling with my gut, i'm not going through any sort of internal battle to figure out whether or not i should be with someone. for the first time in a year, i feel completely calm. no uneasiness in my stomach, no anxiety, no dull ache in my heart. it's such a nice change.
and what's REALLY nice about this is that i am currently dating someone, yet i'm not confused about it the way i've always been. after Ritchie and i broke it off for good, i was pretty happy just being single for a while, but then Justin came along and picked me up and spun me around with his genuine heart and now we just enjoy each other's company and render each other sleep-deprived talking until 3am, 4am. it all just fell into step. and amazingly, i don't feel trapped in something that i'm not sure i should be in. no cosmos are telling me i should be trying, no ominous feeling of fate is making me feel as though i'd be crazy if i weren't doing this. it's not like that at all. i know i want to try and be with him, at least for a little while. it's my choice. i don't have much doubt about that - i like the idea of getting to know him. it feels safe. it feels natural. it feels good.
i'm not saying Justin's the one for me, forever and ever. but for once, it doesn't feel screwed up. he's the one for me, for now, for sure. and i can't express how grateful i am, just to be able to say this with certainty.
i think back about all that Ritchie used to hide from me, and i think about how i reacted when i found out about Vanessa. i had every right to be furious, and i had every right to hate him for being so weak and cowardly about the whole thing.. and it was easy to FINALLY stop blaming myself and just point the finger at his idiocy for a while.. but really, that's not fair of me to do forever. i mean, it's okay that i'm finding it difficult to forgive him at the moment, because all our shit had hit the fan just a mere month ago, so for now it's okay to let myself be angry at him..
but placing blame is hardly mature, and besides, as everyone should know, the blame is never completely on just one person alone. i think back on all the times that i had said things or did things that understandably made him feel insecure about how i felt about him, and what else can i do now but just shake my head in frustration at how screwed up our relationship was? that's really what it was - it was screwed up. we lost our balls whenever we were around each other. we lost our ability to open up. we wanted so badly for it to work, but we had no clue how to bridge the rift between us. it made him play games, not because it was the right thing to do, but that was the only way he knew how to react to his feelings of insecurity and vulnerability. and the tragedy of the whole thing is that instead of helping each other learn to be vulnerable, we built wall after wall after wall to protect ourselves from each other.
what she doesn't know won't hurt her.
i shouldn't show how much i care because i don't want to hurt him again.
and that just about destroyed whatever weak connection we had made.
somehow i'm getting the sense that he and Vanessa aren't really working out either, which i don't particularly care about for the most part, except that that same sense is giving me an inkling that he's still not happy right now. then again, i doubt he was ever happy to begin with - always looking for happiness in the wrong places, on the outside, looking for a crutch from other things, but never really just happy with himself. i don't know. i wonder if he misses me sometimes, while i'm here, too pissed off at him to miss him in the least. too happy to have gone through what i did with him, because it makes me appreciate Justin's openness and sincerity that much more.
i don't like that i'm comparing, because it's not fair, really. but i can't help recognizing the differences. i mean.. i feel safe opening up to Justin. i feel like he can make me feel better, even when neither of us come up with a solution to my problems. he's just someone who cares about others in general, and so when he listens to me, whom he's learning to embrace into his life, he listens that much more earnestly. not because he has to. but because he wants to.
and not only that, but he's so open and honest with me. just a week ago, he made a point to tell me that his ex was visiting from Canary Islands for 10 days, and wanted to make sure i knew that it was completely platonic, and that they were just friends. he was actually worried it would upset me before we had even gone on our first date! it was a little presumptuous, but that moment is one of the many examples (already) of why i feel secure that he won't lie to me, and that if there was ever anything wrong, he wouldn't shy away from bringing it up. none of this monkey business of hiding behind our hands, refusing to look at the elephant in the room. none of that bullshit.
who knows though. relationships have a way of really fucking people up. i was telling Jake and Kailee about the fucked up way Ritchie and i broke it off, and even Jake was confused as to why i didn't just ask questions, bring up problems when we knew they were there. "you're a blunt person, i woulda thought you'd just ask."
(digression: Jake should know. in 2006, he and i had a thing for each other, but i knew it was a bad idea, so i came out and told him without hesitation. he started dating Kailee immediately after that, which he tried to hide from me at first because he didn't want to hurt me, but i lay it on him about trying to hide that from me. he's admired my honesty ever since!)
but yea. who knows if things between Justin and i will fuck up. maybe somewhere down the line we'll make horrendous mistakes with each other too, and will end up hating each other. but it's wonderful that i'm actually not worrying about this right now. and that i'm just going with it because it feels nice. it's a really really great change, to finally have something that feels natural and healthy.
anyhow. this is just the beginning. we'll see.
anyway. so i'm in a weird transition right now - weird, but kind of nice, because everything finally feels normal. i'm not battling with my heart, i'm not battling with my gut, i'm not going through any sort of internal battle to figure out whether or not i should be with someone. for the first time in a year, i feel completely calm. no uneasiness in my stomach, no anxiety, no dull ache in my heart. it's such a nice change.
and what's REALLY nice about this is that i am currently dating someone, yet i'm not confused about it the way i've always been. after Ritchie and i broke it off for good, i was pretty happy just being single for a while, but then Justin came along and picked me up and spun me around with his genuine heart and now we just enjoy each other's company and render each other sleep-deprived talking until 3am, 4am. it all just fell into step. and amazingly, i don't feel trapped in something that i'm not sure i should be in. no cosmos are telling me i should be trying, no ominous feeling of fate is making me feel as though i'd be crazy if i weren't doing this. it's not like that at all. i know i want to try and be with him, at least for a little while. it's my choice. i don't have much doubt about that - i like the idea of getting to know him. it feels safe. it feels natural. it feels good.
i'm not saying Justin's the one for me, forever and ever. but for once, it doesn't feel screwed up. he's the one for me, for now, for sure. and i can't express how grateful i am, just to be able to say this with certainty.
i think back about all that Ritchie used to hide from me, and i think about how i reacted when i found out about Vanessa. i had every right to be furious, and i had every right to hate him for being so weak and cowardly about the whole thing.. and it was easy to FINALLY stop blaming myself and just point the finger at his idiocy for a while.. but really, that's not fair of me to do forever. i mean, it's okay that i'm finding it difficult to forgive him at the moment, because all our shit had hit the fan just a mere month ago, so for now it's okay to let myself be angry at him..
but placing blame is hardly mature, and besides, as everyone should know, the blame is never completely on just one person alone. i think back on all the times that i had said things or did things that understandably made him feel insecure about how i felt about him, and what else can i do now but just shake my head in frustration at how screwed up our relationship was? that's really what it was - it was screwed up. we lost our balls whenever we were around each other. we lost our ability to open up. we wanted so badly for it to work, but we had no clue how to bridge the rift between us. it made him play games, not because it was the right thing to do, but that was the only way he knew how to react to his feelings of insecurity and vulnerability. and the tragedy of the whole thing is that instead of helping each other learn to be vulnerable, we built wall after wall after wall to protect ourselves from each other.
what she doesn't know won't hurt her.
i shouldn't show how much i care because i don't want to hurt him again.
and that just about destroyed whatever weak connection we had made.
somehow i'm getting the sense that he and Vanessa aren't really working out either, which i don't particularly care about for the most part, except that that same sense is giving me an inkling that he's still not happy right now. then again, i doubt he was ever happy to begin with - always looking for happiness in the wrong places, on the outside, looking for a crutch from other things, but never really just happy with himself. i don't know. i wonder if he misses me sometimes, while i'm here, too pissed off at him to miss him in the least. too happy to have gone through what i did with him, because it makes me appreciate Justin's openness and sincerity that much more.
i don't like that i'm comparing, because it's not fair, really. but i can't help recognizing the differences. i mean.. i feel safe opening up to Justin. i feel like he can make me feel better, even when neither of us come up with a solution to my problems. he's just someone who cares about others in general, and so when he listens to me, whom he's learning to embrace into his life, he listens that much more earnestly. not because he has to. but because he wants to.
and not only that, but he's so open and honest with me. just a week ago, he made a point to tell me that his ex was visiting from Canary Islands for 10 days, and wanted to make sure i knew that it was completely platonic, and that they were just friends. he was actually worried it would upset me before we had even gone on our first date! it was a little presumptuous, but that moment is one of the many examples (already) of why i feel secure that he won't lie to me, and that if there was ever anything wrong, he wouldn't shy away from bringing it up. none of this monkey business of hiding behind our hands, refusing to look at the elephant in the room. none of that bullshit.
who knows though. relationships have a way of really fucking people up. i was telling Jake and Kailee about the fucked up way Ritchie and i broke it off, and even Jake was confused as to why i didn't just ask questions, bring up problems when we knew they were there. "you're a blunt person, i woulda thought you'd just ask."
(digression: Jake should know. in 2006, he and i had a thing for each other, but i knew it was a bad idea, so i came out and told him without hesitation. he started dating Kailee immediately after that, which he tried to hide from me at first because he didn't want to hurt me, but i lay it on him about trying to hide that from me. he's admired my honesty ever since!)
but yea. who knows if things between Justin and i will fuck up. maybe somewhere down the line we'll make horrendous mistakes with each other too, and will end up hating each other. but it's wonderful that i'm actually not worrying about this right now. and that i'm just going with it because it feels nice. it's a really really great change, to finally have something that feels natural and healthy.
anyhow. this is just the beginning. we'll see.