based on this and the lindsay lohan piece, you have a tic to undercut your pieces. james galvin told me, "cynicism is 20% irony and 80% conformity." i think what you're doing is pretty interesting and then i hit "because i am drunk" which is souring - what if you cut that entirely and left it at "this is the most intimiate gesture i can imagine"? or yes, add something. i think your use of repetition and rhyme is handled pretty well, except "the crease" bothers me. maybe cut it and have "increase by refusing to wash the jeans"? your tone is otherwise able to handle subtle shifts and the inclusions of modern specificity like jeans after a title like that is pretty smooth. :)
yeah, after adding that last bit, i immediately started to second-guess myself, which doesn't happen too often. i uploaded a 2nd draft to my website, which is basically just ending with the "this is the most intimate gesture" line...i think it's stronger that way. and now that you mention it, the "increase the crease" is maybe too repetitive.
Comments 2
Reply
thanks for your comments!
Reply
Leave a comment