[personal] it's been a bother
I have a solid faith in that, and it's something I live by. It's something my parents preach as well, although I place less faith in that fact. I prefer to keep this idealistic view of Justice as Fairness.
But there are times when I feel this rage or discontent building up. There's no way I can say it without sounding like a spoiled child but, I'm tired. Aren't I working hard enough? I worked hard so that I could get 3 jobs, so that I would never need to ask them for help. I'm always looking for another job, just in case, because it's okay, I still have free time, I can still work, there's space.
And all they ever say is that it's not enough.
They say, work hard in school and you will succeed in the future.
But, how can I, when I can barely afford to go to school? I'm scraping by to get anywhere and it scares me how things will turn out if everything goes wrong. I don't want to live on the streets, I don't want to starve, I have dreams. If I could face Life, I'd want to say straight up to it, 'I know I can do everything, I believe in myself and all that I'm worth, just please, give me the chance.'
If I manage to pay for this term, I'm hoping everything will last me until my co-op term, where I can earn enough money for my next term. As it is now, I can make the first term, but I'll be completely drained. I have nothing left for food, for textbooks. I've made plans of course. There's been no mention of my parents helping me with those expenses, and as much as I hope, I will not ask for it. But I've researched the university food bank, and I know how to shop for cheaper foods. I've planned to download all my textbooks, and for the ones I can't find, I'll borrow from the library. I checked all the surrounding areas for potential jobs, and as soon as I get back on campus, I'll go to financial aid for more help. I know that if I am careful with my expenses, I can live for the next 4 months or so for around 1k.
But really. I feel like I'm working beyond my age with a mentality of a child. There are so many people who have to work so much harder than me and with much less, but I still can't help but feel a pang of envy when I see all my friends enjoying their summers. It's nowhere near their fault, but when they give me that look '-oh. Of course you're busy. No surprise there.' it makes me feel a small guilt. I don't WANT to be busy. Don't tell me I have a problems with being a workaholic, or that I'm crazy for wanting to work more. I just want to have fun, and go out with my friends, and be able to afford meals for myself. There are times I feel a bit frustrated at their misunderstandings, but I feel even worse for thinking like that.
I guess my whole point is just that, I'm really tired.
Looks like in the end, I still ended up using this journal as a painful outlet.