(no subject)
how 'bout what the shit am i doing with my life?
why do i always feel so uncertain?
i'm certain.
i'm relatively certain.
yes. i am.
i think.
okay, basically, i make up my mind then i change it.
then i change it again.
that's pretty certain... relative to not knowing at all.
my heart is aching
my body is burning
my hands are shaking
my head is turning
do you understand
it's so easy to choose
we've got time to kill
we've got nothing to lose
i want you now
it's overpowering.
he laughed at me
and said i haven't had the right experiences.
i laughed at him, bitterly,
and said fuck him
it was purely my resolve in the right experiences.
i'm different, i said.
he was right.
i haven't had the right experiences.
i've effectively avoided the "right" experiences,
deeming them wrong.
they are wrong.
but, i know that when placed in the right experiences now,
i will make the wrong decisions.
that's not stopping me from wanting these experiences, though.
fuck him.
what the hell?
this is so stupid.
ridiculously stupid.
it's very simple in mind.
it's very simple in words.
it's all very simple.
so, why do i choose to continue to complicate things?
i'm holding on to something that is literally non-existant.
it's building, expanding in my mind
but no place else.
he is not now, nor will he ever be, the person i'm allowing him to be.
i'm giving him qualities i know he has no desire to embody.
i'm picturing growth and development i know will never happen.
i hate not supporting his potential.
i... just... this is stupid.
my heart is hurting and i'm not really sure why.
i don't know what i want.
how can i not know what i want?
fuck me.