(no subject)
i hate being so uncertain and so conflicted.
if this is what i want, i should just... go with it.
why be so scared?
i trust my ability to stand up for myself, to express myself, to prevent things i don't want.
so, what reason do i have to be afraid of this?
and, worst of all, what if this is not what i think it is at all?
i think that's the scariest thing.
after finally allowing myself to have something i really want,
what if i find out it's not being offered at all?
whatever.
i can't stress because the situation is literally non-existant right now.
if it comes into existence, i'll just figure it out then.
feel my way through.
[but, feeling is frightening, as well,
'cause i have a pretty good idea of what i'd FEEL at that time,
and i KNOW that's not what i truly want.]
on a connected, but unrelated, note,
i'm hoping to go to dinner with jamal tomorrow.
i say "hoping" because that's what it is.
though i know i have no reason to believe he won't want to go anymore,
i believe he won't want to go.
and i'm not sure if that's a bad thing or not.
it's not so bad if he says
"i don't want to go anymore; sorry."
it IS so bad if he goes to dinner with me
then makes the entire evening shit
because he didn't really want to be there.
the latter is the more likely of the two.
which i hate.
aaaaahhhhhhh.