(no subject)
i think it so often, but i really feel it these days.
i am him and he is me, and that's why i love him so much.
[and, it's probably really, really psychologically unhealthy.]
i just... *sigh* okay.
i have an idealistically high standard of moral values. right and wrong are very important to me and i CANNOT make myself do something that i deem morally wrong. seeing immorality [based on my standards] in other people makes me extremely frustrated and absolutely nothing is worse than hypocrisy between supposed moral standing and action. yet, my morals seem almost backwards when compared to other people. most of the things other people see as immoral, i view on a different [deeper?] level, and see how they are probably not so bad -- or even highly beautiful/spiritual -- while the things that most people don't worry about are the things i find extremely important.
i'm almost unbelievably big on honesty. if you talk to the people who know me best, spend the most time with me, they'll confirm that honesty is so important to me. i don't lie. i'm extremely open about the fact that i don't lie. if i do lie, i'll always admit it almost immediately afterwards.
but, at the same time, i'm so closed off. while not lying, i've gotten very good at knowing how to word things so i don't disclose too much. more times, i don't disclose anything. if anyone finds out something about me, it's because i consciously make the decision to tell them. otherwise, everything is efficiently kept to myself. a lot of time, i just say things in ways to let people come to their own conclusions, which is what they want to do anyway. why bother giving them the truth and having them belittle it or twist it into what they want to hear? i'll just let them come up with their own truth [i do realize that's just a really effective avoidance technique...].
i don't give a shit what other people think of me. other people's impression of me is ridiculously low on my list of concerns. which is why most times, i let people think whatever they want. if they want to think i'm stupid, or insensitive, or irresponsible, or unreliable, or whatever -- if the truth they want to believe is that i'm shit -- then i don't bother correcting them. i know who i really am; i know myself better than anyone else [knows me or knows themselves]. that's really all that matters. so fuck them. i don't rely on the approval of others.
i understand that words mean nothing and i'm a firm believer in proving oneself through actions. i don't need to explain myself to people when they doubt me because, if they really took time to know me, they'd understand exactly what kind of person i am. my actions should defend my character. if they don't, they obviously aren't strong enough or the people aren't honestly trying to understand me. i should never have to say "i'm smart, i'm sensitive, i'm responsible, i'm reliable, i'm whatever" because people should automatically think those things. unless it's absolutely necessary -- which is hardly ever the case -- i won't ever say those things; it's bullshit. because i'm NOT always smart, sensitive, responsible, reliable, nor whatever else. to say i am would be lying to everyone, then i would have to prove myself all over again through my actions. so, why waste all those words?
beyond that, i hate having to explain myself, ever. i never give excuses. i rarely say "i'm sorry" and never unless i genuinely DO feel very sorry. that word will never change what already happened. explaining why it happened will never change the fact that it happened. it happened, the repercussions happened, now we deal with it and move on.
and i will always accept the consequences of my actions. i never beg for exceptions or any sort of special treatment, no matter what the situation is. IT HAPPENED. i played a part in it, so i deal with my fair share of the consequences. if i had a dick, pity would "make [it] soft." i'm willing to just be real and move on, so you should be able to do the same.
i hate any ostentatious displays of superficiality. "oh, this happened; poor me. feel pity!" "look what i did. be proud. congratulate me!" "i feel bad. flatter me! compliment me!" it pisses me off. i will never do that, i can't stand seeing other people do it, and i hate [HATE! HATE!!!!!] when others assume i'm doing that, like everyone else, and pity/congratulate/flatter me as though that's what i'm fishing for. it's not so much that i'm worried they have such a low impression of me, it just makes my stomach turn to be associated with a behaviour i detest so much. that is the one instance that i have no trouble correcting people, and usually in a not-so-tactful way.
and i hate being rewarded or complimented for things i had no part in. that's why i can spend all of december 4th without telling every person i meet, "it's my birthday today!" what accomplishment did i achieve on december 4, 1987? nothing [call my mom. write on HER facebook wall]. what part did i play in my genetic construction to give me the smile i have or the breasts i have or the eyes i have? none. did i sit down and hand-craft the shirt i'm wearing or the bag i'm holding? no. did i train for years and years to sing the way i do or to have the capability i do to pick up/execute dances or to understand and construct language? NO! these are all parts of me that i have no role in, so i can't stand that people feel the need to congratulate me on them like i actually accomplished something. i didn't do anything. don't waste your breath.
and that part is especially frustrating, because i DO have things that people want to compliment often.
i expect most of the same things from people around me, and when i don't get that, i just remove those lacking people from around me. i think i probably i appear really snobbish, but i refuse to hang out with certain personality types. i won't sit and pretend to like them when i don't. i won't choose to spend time with people if the time will be spent with me being openly unimpressed NOR with me being really fake and cheerful. so, i just don't hang out with them. and often, if they're smart enough to pick up on it, it's really evident WHY i don't hang out with them [most of the time, they're not smart enough, though].
i like to control all situations and i want people to think the way i do. i'll orchestrate sitations to force people to see that lying or being insincere fucks you over. or i'll to out of my way to ignore [and make sure they KNOW i'm ignoring] their pretentious cries for attention to force them to realize they don't really need that attention. or i'll make them realize that actions are the only true way to judge character by using my lack of disclosure to ENCOURAGE their beliefs that i'm shit, then continue to act in a way that shows i'm not shit, forcing them to accept that my actions are truth. and, usually, they also have to accept that they came up with their previous conclusions on their own and, while i didn't go out of my way to convince them of otherwise, they should have just trusted me.
i like to understand people completely. i try to figure out their minds, i watch their actions, i find out about their lives. it's part of having total control over all relationships/situations. if i understand everything about them, i have the upper hand and am free to control how much they understand about me.
god.
it's almost unnerving that, on rereading that, i could easily turn it into a third person description of him.
but, it's me.
*****
what makes me different from him, though, is that i don't have the years of hurt and anger contributing to my cynicism and masks. there was a point where i WAS as cynical and angry as he is, but i somehow broke free of that before it became an inpenetrable wall.
i am completely trusting of people until they show me they're untrustworthy. i want people to be able to trust me with no questions asked, so i understand that i have to be able to do the same for them.
i don't feel that i need to uphold any sort of character, regardless of whether or not that's what everyone believes. he prefers to just give people what they want most of the time, while i say "fuck that." i give you nothing but me and you can make that whatever you want, but i won't go out of my way to feed into your misconceptions just to make you feel more secure about yourself.
i am surprisingly open with my feelings and emotions, once a person proves that he is worthy to hold them. it takes quite a lot to be able to prove that to me, but once you've proved yourself once, it's over.
i try to understand myself as much as i try to understand others; i don't have any horrible, dark past that i'm trying to repress, so i'm free to analyze my thoughts and actions at will. it makes me less calculating than he is, because i'm not always trying to figure out how to omit truths from others will completely denying them myself. but, i'm also more calculating than him, because i fully understand where i'm coming from and what i want from other people.
lord.
i am brian kinney.
that's it.
i adore him and now i know why --
he's the male version of me.