(no subject)
and i sit there, eating my dinner with my feet on the table and my novel propped up
against my left leg. this spot that i have chosen as my refuge many days before and
will return to many times in the future. i sit and i read, but i know i am waiting.
and then it arrives.
the moment for which i have waited arrives and i am enthralled. i expect, like all
the other times before, to watch it come and go and to be left with only the mildly
confused feeling of euphoria i have come to long for. i rest my book down and raise
my eyes, drinking in this small pleasure. as quickly as it arrives, my pleasure
morphs into something terrifying and grotesque, causing my heart to stop and alarms
to go off in every nerve ending in my body; she catches my eye and there is a moment
of recognition.
desperately wanting but completely unable to look away, i watch as she gives some
explanation to her friend and says goodbye. my face distorts into unconcealed fear
as she walks towards me and looks at me again. unable to admit to any such
recognition, my eyes fly back to the pages of my novel as she sets her bag down on
the seat next to mine and begins to rifle through it. barely breathing, my heart
pounding, i try to focus on making my facial expression as nondescript as possible
while fighting the internal battle of whether or not to raise my eyes to meet hers
once more. the decision is made for me when she picks up her things and walks into
the bathroom on my left.
staring at her back as it disappears behind the door, i feel my face shifting again,
eyebrows furrowed and breaths shallow, shaky, and loud. i'm not sure what i'm
thinking in that moment, if anything at all. what do i do when she comes back out?
smile and nod? continue to pretend [quite poorly] that her existence doesn't faze
me? why am i so socially awkward? i am utterly embarrassed by both being caught in
this situation and by not knowing how to respond to it.
an irrationally long time passes without her emerging from the bathroom. does that,
in itself, mean something? i fear i have lost all sense of time with this
overpowering surge of mixed emotions. just as i begin to consider grabbing my things
and escaping before she can return, the door opens. as she exits the bathroom, a
group of her friends arrive from the opposite direction. they are leaving and she
goes to join them. my moment has passed.
at the very top of the stairs, she stops and turns, facing me once more. i force
myself to stare up into her face, hoping that our eyes make contact one last time.
she fixes her jacket and throws her bag over her shoulder then turns and walks down
the stairs, laughing with the people she knows and loves.
i am forgotten.