(no subject)
you've been on my mind all night.
it's almost frightening the way i can't stop thinking about you. driving home, i held my phone in my hand, willing it to ring, willing you to call. i envisioned you phoning and actually explaining to you, "you've been on my mind all night. were you just struck with an uncontrollable urge to call me? because i think my telepathic powers are stronger than either of us can understand, stronger than i can control."
looking out the window at the nighttime lights flying by, i was completely in my own world. in that world, i bumped into you on the street. i threw my arms around your neck and exclaimed, "you've been on my mind all night!" the initial surprise of my sudden attack wore off, then your body melted into mine the way it always does. cheek pressed firmly to cheek, your hands on the small of my back, you didn't say anything in response, just pulled me closer to you. i know then you would have said something about how you've been thinking of me for days and we would have planned a date for us to spend time together, just the two of us. but, unfortunately, we were interrupted by real life and i was pulled back into whatever conversation was happening in the car at the time.
as we were nearing home, and the territory began looking a bit more familiar, i stopped looking at the lights and started looking out the window for a certain face or a familiar walk. outside our building, while we were just sitting and jamming to our music, i saw a figure walking towards us. the hope lasted only a flicker of an instant, but it was strong enough for me to recognize it for what it was: i was waiting for you to show up beside me, for you to walk me up to my apartment, for me to invite you inside -- i'm home alone. i'm so glad you're here. you've been on my mind all night. but you're not here. i am home alone.
i actually questioned if this was an ominous feeling, you being stuck in my head. maybe something was wrong. maybe it was a sign that i should call you, make sure you were alright. but my fear of seeming stupid, my fear of actually being right about your safety, and my fear of reaching out to show i care stopped me. i couldn't call just to say, "you've been on my mind all night. are you okay? yes? oh, good. well, then..." as much as i would love the catalyst to talking more openly about our my feelings, the thought of that frightens me. so, i did nothing. once again, to my downfall, i was forced to a state of paralysis by my own fears.
but, now i am here, sitting alone at home, caught between daydreaming about us being together and worrying about you. i would like to be able to let go of this so i can move on with my life. you've been on my mind all night. if you're not going to appear in any other aspect of my life, such as in the flesh, in front of my eyes, in my arms, then please leave now. i would like to be able to get some sleep.
baby, i love you. i hope you know that. and, when we *do* next see each other, i look forward to throwing my arms around your neck and feeling your hands on the small of my back again. we fit together so perfectly. if only our lives could do the same.
until then,
mE