(no subject)
so many feelings just rolling around right now. it's driving me INSANE. i wish i could just put them into WORDS. i used to use words so often. now, it's like i'm scared of them. the things i refuse to say to others, i can't even say to *myself* for fear of jinxing myself or something. i don't know.
i am all mixed up.
i'm at a very different place right now. pivotally, i haven't changed. i don't believe i have. peripherally, i have. my views on relationships are wildly different. but still exactly the same. i suppose it's just who *i* am that is so different. i just fit into a new place in what i could say is the spectrum of acceptable behaviours within relationships. i guess i always acknowledged that i could reach this stage, but i just assumed i wouldn't; i assumed i would have taken a different route and i would be a *different* person having *different* kinds of relationships by this age. unfortunately [or... fortunately; who knows], things didn't turn out that way.
i still do not believe in relationships being reared from random encounters -- meeting guys on a bus, at a club, in any one-time encounter. it's impossible to say there is a romantic interest after such a limited time frame; if anything is there, it is purely physical/sexual. and that is *not* what i want. [[which brings me to another issue i have, but i'll go back to that after]] it is ridiculous to try to have any sort of romantic, intimate relationship [that, no matter what you say, has a sense of exclusivity] with someone who you only know physically. SO, i'm looking for people who are part of my life -- people with whom i relate to regularly. and, amazingly enough, recently i feel like there are MULTIPLE guys, in different aspects of my life, who i'm attracted to and who are attracted to me.
the issue: i don't know how to deem whether or not it's worth it to sacrifice the friendships i'm building with them to work on a romantic relationship, ESPECIALLY since it's not just one guy. how can i say who is the right one to try making something work with? and how could i ever feel okay with getting involved with one guy, completely mashing up my friendship with him in the process, losing him, then just going "oh, okay... let's try with this one!" doing the same thing, then moving on to the third, or fourth, or fifth guy [that one was rhetorical; the answer is 'i can never feel okay with that -- it's not who i am']? so, i'm stuck with this inability to do anything, because i just don't know what to do. especially because these are *genuine* friendships that i'm building, not just "let's say we're friends so we'll have an excuse to spend time together, because we are physically attracted to one another" relationships. i seriously don't want to lose them.
so much drama. fug.
my other issue is that i acknowledge that in terms of relationships and DEFINITELY in terms of sexuality, i am not "normal." so, whoever i am with has to deal with the fact that they will not be having a conventional relationship. in my opinion, my relationships are more challenging but much healthier in the long run than most people's, but most people see the former much more than the latter. also, not only will my partner have to deal with having a different kind of relationship, they will also have to deal with me trying to figure out exactly WHAT it is i want and need, which i don't know yet and can't possibly know until... i try. which means that even after all the aforementioned drama, i might *still* realize that it won't work and end up losing my friendship with whatever guy. because, not until i'm IN a relationship will i know what i am willing to do and what i will appreciate/enjoy from my partner. i can theorize all i want, but i won't know until i know. that's effed up.
i'm scared. i'm frustrated. i'm confused. i'm... wanting, very much.
i still don't really understand what's going on with P. it's clear that there's some sort of connection between us, but... we're both so similar. which is partially why i think things would work well with us, actually. most of my funny little how-i-interact-with-guys quirks don't just disappear once the actual "relationship" has started, but most guys who don't understand me expect them to. i think the fact that we've been interacting on the same level means that he understands me to a degree, so he wouldn't be wildly disappointed or run away later on down the road. but, i mean, it's so hard to say where down the road is really going. mainly BECAUSE we're both interacting with each other on a certain level. one of us will need to take a more definitive step to make this go anywhere, but i'm not sure if i want to. and if he ever did, i'm not sure how i would react. i actually really don't think i want to be his friend. we're kind of different people and i don't think our lives would coincide if we were friends. our lives would go extremely well together if we were in a relationship. but, if things never pan out, i would like to still be able to be around him and potentially work with him and be happy in each others' company. we're definitely reaching a now-or-never stage, though. i don't know how much longer this purgatory-esque stage can last. i abhor this stage.
eep. another thing to mention is this 'taken men' phenomenon i've been dealing with lately. they're all significantly older, but have shown that they like/don't really care about dating younger girls. they're all guys that i'm attracted to in one way or another. and they're all guys that i actually have *no* desire to really be with in any way. yet, somehow, they've all been showering enough attention on me lately that i feel slightly guilty. i feel that their attentions have not been completely platonic and i feel like somehow I'M doing something wrong and I'M being a bad person by being their friend. i feel like i'm encouraging their desire for infidelity, even if nothing is ever going to happen between us. it's the eve syndrome -- i am the original sin, i take all responsibility for offering them any sort of temptation. it's just incredible how many of them i've been encountering. is it just that i've been in an environment with more sleezy guys lately? how do i deal with this? obviously, i like being their friend and i *am* attracted to them so certain things they do i can't help but liking, but to what extent to i have to discourage them? and how to gently discourage to i don't piss them off? 'cause, obviously, i don't want them to just lock me off.
god, guys are stupid. i hate them.
and, on that note, i've also been a lot more into girls lately. the more i detach from the notion of gender and the more i accept my own asexuality, the more comfortable i feel acknowledging my attraction to females -- well, to androgyny, but especially of female-bodied people. it's beautiful.
BAH, sometimes i wish i could just detach from everything and just... BE. fuck society. our heads are filled with all these notions of what we should be and what is acceptable. *nobody* fits into that shit, but it's only those who are far out from that "norm" who dare to break free because if they don't break free they themselves will break, from the inside out.
bah. enough.