(no subject)
when contrasted with the last entry i wrote, only about a month ago, this seems so... ridiculous.
after all that searching and figuring myself out, i just abandoned all that shit.
so, he came out of nowhere. everything that has happened has been based on NOTHING. he's attracted to me. i like being around him. that's it.
PLUS, i'm curious to see how i will be in this type of relationship. i'm curious to see what i'm okay with and what i don't like. i'm curious to see where things can go and... essentially, how far i can take it and still feel okay with myself. ew. that's gross to say, but the truth. i'll keep going until i reach the point where i'm just so guilty and disgusted with myself and full of regret, then... that will be the end. and i'll be able to say, "okay. that's it. so i won't do *that* again."
if i know that, why am i still going along with it? 'cause i NEED to do this. the same reason i've experimented with all this other stuff lately. i need to do it to say, yes, certainly, without a doubt, this is *not* what i want. how can i know unless i try it? that's bullshit, but i can't shake it.
and i don't have any self-control. i'm honestly just letting things go and... not stopping anything. not even pretending to stop anything. he moves, i respond, we progress. was there any conscious thought on my part? did i make that decision? nope. it just HAPPENS.
and i am enjoying it. when i think with my rational brain, all this shit that i'm spewing right now comes out. but, when i stop thinking and just feel... i'm enjoying it. i'm looking forward to seeing him again. i want to experience more. i long for him, in a sense. it's nothing as mushy and romantic as that sounds. i just WANT him. i want more of him. i wish the two of us could just escape somewhere and be alone together and experience one another. not forever, but just long enough to say we've FULLY experienced each other. then, who knows what would happen after that. somehow, i feel like this prolonged experiencing is making it into more than it is, just by default -- with time comes commitment. it's like i'm investing all this time into you, so it must be something worthwhile that i want to hold onto, right? not that i'm anticipating the end, but i know it's a possibility. i don't want to get attached to someone i know won't be someone i can keep.
meh. i'm thinking too much. i want us to be together right now. i can't hate him for having a life 'cause i expect to hold on to my life, too. i just wish he hadn't had other people around and other things to do earlier when he called and it would have been "acceptable" to go be with him. now, 2am, if i leave my house or if he comes here... i'm pretty sure that constitutes a booty call. even though we wouldn't have done anything different at 10:30, at least it could have the appearance of decency. i don't know. but i know that i'm not going to see him tonight. there's no way to make this fly. sooooooo, i shall wait?
these are the things that make me wish i had my own life. i wish i had the freedom to be myself and do what i want to do. i know it's my own decision to hide a lot of things or 'pretend' a lot of things [or pretend that they're ALL i am], but i *don't* want anyone in every part of my life. i WANT some things to be mine and mine alone. if i open one door, millions of others will inevitably have to be opened. i've seen it already and i don't want to see it again. sooooooooo, i'm just left sitting here alone, craving his body, sending texts at 2am.
degoutant.
[on a completely unrelated note, WHY did i instantly recognize and feel a surge of happiness for this song from the l word? oh my, i'm a fan, aren't i? it's a little resemblant of my QaF love. aiyo!]
*****
up...date...?
days later, experiencing done [not exactly as i would have wanted it, but DONE], i think i'm finished.
i'm not as guilty and disgusted and regretful as i thought i'd be, so that's good. there's no regret at all, actually. a small amount of guilt. no real disgust. but, most importantly, no regret. so that's good.
but, yeah. now i'm finished. i have no desire for any more. and, still, i'm really letting him control this. i'm not stating anything outright to him, but if he shows no interest in continuing, then... that's that. in a way, i'm actually just *hoping* he makes no future connection. then i won't have to feel bad. i am a-okay with him thinking he's being the "man" and he's wronging me and he's leaving me with *my* heart broken. sure. okay. as long as it's finished.
'cause... i'm finished. i don't even know if he's capable of experiencing things the way i want him to, and i do not want to be the one to teach him. again, the time and care that is invested in that process will make this into more than it ever needs to be. so, it's just a good time to say goodbye and move on.
and... who knows...? no, whatever. what-friggin-ever.