(no subject)
i just feel so... insecure. i don't like it.
truth be told, i actually feel pretty good. i really don't think i'm suffering under any delusions about this. i'm pretty confident in where i am, and i'm fairly confident in where i think he is. i know he may actually be closer or further away from that point, but i'm okay with either option... and i'm okay with the point itself.
i just have these moments... and i can't help them... and they 1) remind me of earlier days when i used to be so painfully insecure, the days that dissuaded me from even trying anymore and they 2) make it painfully obvious how contrary to what i've always believed this situation is. but, after that moment, i am okay with things. it's not like i have to convince myself that i'm okay; i stop, i look at things objectively, i realize i actually don't care.
"i actually don't even care."
he does. more than he'd care to admit. i think he may be in a stage as well. is that to say i'm willing to just wait 'til he's out of this phase and i'll just be there, waiting? who knows. maybe i will. maybe i won't. maybe, when he leaves the phase, i'll realize that he wasn't worth the wait. who knoowwwws?
regardless of how "okay with it" i am, i really don't know how to react when, moments later, he's having full text conversations. or when two hours go by without communication and i *know* the only two things that keep him from communicating. the twinges of insecurity or jealousy are genuinely nothing. it's the "what do i say? how do i react? what should i do?" that's getting me. i don't know how to act in a situation like this. WHAT DO I DO? how to express my slight upset without seeming more insecure and attached than i really am? how to show how detached i am without seeming totally heartless and cruel?
*sigh* it's too much thinking.
but it's good. and i'm happy. i like him. i'm glad the friendship aspect is back and we're cool. i tested the couple-y aspect and i don't think that's there, but... it's been done. and we're cool.
seriously, though... this would be a lot easier if he wasn't who he is. 'cause i can't help but sit here and think, "how can you feel absolutely no way about doing this to me [and her/them]?" it's kinda repulsive.
aaaaaaaaand, dwayne. oh yes. dwayne.