FIC: Go Your Own Way (The Taking Turns series)
Go Your Own Way
By Keelywolfe
Sokka/Zuko, other pairings
R
Seventeenth in a series:
No Turning Back
Division of Time
Conflicted
Manly Pursuits
Interlude: Aang
Say Anything
Interlude, Suki
Random Curiosity
Envy Was A Fever
Couldn't Drag Me Away
For the Love of Cheese
Interlude, Toph
As Easy As Breathing
Interlude, Iroh
Stealing Darkness
All That We See Or Seem
Summary: C'mon, you read the last one. This continues from there.
~*~
Sokka didn't know how long it had taken him to work up the energy to get up from the floor, but by the time he had, he'd been stiff and cold, all but crawling to the bed. He'd only stopped to get his dose of medicine, swallowing the bitterness quickly since there was no way he was going to be able to sleep without it.
Hours later, he wasn't having much luck sleeping with it. The sweet silvery lethargy was the same as before but he couldn't lose himself in it, the medicinal daze tainted with his own thoughts that refused to be still. Golden eyes and an unsmiling face were haunting him, a ghost that wasn't even dead but wouldn't give him any peace.
He told himself it didn't matter. Should have expected it, really; they'd never meant to be any more than a pair of buddies screwing around in stressful times. It was practically a relaxation technique. His sneaky, well-medicated brain slyly supplied him with the image of a bunch of warriors training in the art of relaxation through sex and he snorted laughter so loud that it echoed in his too-large room.
He wanted to tell himself that tomorrow he'd shrug it off and move on but he had a sneaking suspicion that that wasn't true. There was a little voice inside him that was crying that this wasn't fair, it wasn't, it wasn't! He'd sacrificed too, he'd fought, he'd shed sweat and blood and tears. Didn't he deserve some happiness too?
Sokka rolled over and buried his face into his pillows, resisting the urge to slap himself stupid. Or stupider, really, because that was probably the most selfish thought he'd ever had. Like he'd done all that for what it could get him? He'd never expected anything more out of his travels with Aang than a little adventure and maybe to save the world. Or possibly a horrible gruesome death, you had to be prepared for that kind of failure, too. It was a little late to start making requests of the gods; if he'd wanted personal happiness he should have submitted that prayer in advance.
There was another tiny part of him that whispered he should go to Suki, let himself lose his pain in her arms and between her legs. She'd let him in, he knew, she loved him enough to give him that.
He snorted, rolling over again and wincing as he jarred his bad leg. Yeah, that was a good idea. The one he'd wanted has pretty much dumped him so he thought he'd try for a consolation prize?
Nice, Sokka, you're a prince.
Except how he wasn't and that had to be part of the problem; he wasn't a prince and worse, he wasn't a princess and he didn't know a lot about royalty but he thought he could make some pretty good guesses about the need for heirs and things. And tomorrow, he supposed he was going to end up listening to Zuko stumbling through apologies and explanations along that line and Sokka wasn't entirely sure he could bear it. But he would. What else could he do?
This was his fault, he decided. He'd loved Suki too little and Zuko too much and now he had to deal with it. But, oh, he'd had that for a little while, pale, soft skin against his and he thought those tiny, sweet sounds Zuko made would haunt his dreams for the rest of his life.
His thoughts drifted on the multi-colored sea of medicinal wonder, wandering. Sokka raised a hand and looked at it, fascinated by the vapor trails of color that were left behind every time it moved it. He had blunt, blocky fingers, rough with calluses, his palms broad and square.
Zuko had slim hands, almost delicate, fine-boned and so unlike Sokka's that had spent years spearing fish and sharpening weapons. Okay, Zuko hadn't spent his whole life in his palace but let's face it, his time in the field of manual labor had been laughably short.
There were some calluses on his fingers, Sokka knew, thicker pads of flesh from where he gripped his swords. A few small scars; on his left hand there was a thin line across all of his knuckles where he must've gotten a heck of rap from something sharp. Once, Sokka had kissed those scars, ran his tongue across those slim fingers and sucked one into his mouth, curled his tongue around it and Zuko had made a sound so high his voice cracked.
Yeah, that had been nice. Sokka closed his eyes, his hand drifting down to touch his other arm where a bracelet of bruises was already forming. Those hands only looked delicate, until you felt them wrapped around you. Until they touched you, slid over your skin, and lower, and...
Sokka rolled over, buried his head under his pillows. This was pathetic. If he was going to mope about his lost love, he could at least wait until he'd had some sleep.
Lost love, yeah. Zuko had loved him in the end, Sokka decided; he wasn't imagining that in some drug-hazed desperation. Zuko held honor very highly and he wouldn't have said it if he hadn't meant it, even if he'd just brushed the edge of admitting it. He did love Sokka, at least a little, and maybe that was the worst part of all. If Zuko hadn't loved him then maybe Sokka wouldn't have cared and maybe he wouldn't be tormenting himself with memories and things he could never have.
Let it go tonight, he told himself fiercely, he'd have plenty of time to let those memories do that later. For now, he pulled a pillow over his head and tried not to think of golden eyes and shy little smiles. They weren't his anymore.
Probably never were.
~*~
It felt like he'd barely fallen asleep when light suddenly slapped against his closed eyelids. Sokka couldn't even muster the energy to groan, only just managed to lift a leaden arm to drape over his eyes.
"Rise and shine, sleepyhead," a deep voice told him and the bed dipped as someone sat on it. That voice was slowly filtering through his aching head, tickling at his memory. Oh, yeah, it was his dad. Who else would brave waking him?
"How are you feeling, son?" A light hand patted his upper thigh and Sokka didn't bother to stifle his groan as it jarred his leg, promptly waking up the dormant throbbing.
"Mmmroph," he snarled, rolling away. If his leg already had to hurt, then there was no way he was going to stay facing the open curtains.
He heard soft laughter. "I'm sorry, son, wouldn't be waking you so early, but I needed to ask if you were staying here or coming with us."
"Coming with us?" Sokka repeated groggily, struggling to push himself up on one elbow. "Going where?"
"Home," his dad said, simply. "I've wanted to see both of you so much, but we've been gone a long time and the other men are eager to get back to their families. I can't keep them away just for me." His father poured a glass of water from a decanter on a side table, offering it to Sokka. He took it and drank it absently, grimacing a little at the lingering medicinal taste in the cup. The coolness of it woke him up a little more and he managed to blink at his dad, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.
"You're leaving?" Sokka said, unthinking. He winced at the plaintive note to his voice. Like his dad really wanted to rush off again but there were a lot of other warriors who had family that they hadn't seen in two years. His dad was chief, he couldn't just hang out here in the Fire Nation and let other people rebuild their city.
"Yes," Hakoda said, softly, "They're resupplying our ships right now. We have a long way to go." His voice was firm but Sokka could see the hurt in his face, his eyes.
An apology seemed useless so instead Sokka leaned forward and hugged his dad. Strong arms came around him immediately and pulled him in tight. It had been a long time since Sokka felt like a child but somehow today he felt pretty damned small.
"I already spoke to your sister," his dad said, his breath ruffling Sokka's hair as he rested his chin atop Sokka's head. "She's planning on staying here with the Avatar; she'll be acting as a Water Tribe ambassador for now. I wanted to know if you were staying with her."
Leaving the choice to him, proving that he thought of Sokka as a warrior, and adult who could make his own choices, even though Sokka was still leaning into his arms like a child. Only Sokka didn't feel much like a warrior today. He felt tired and sore, his eyes too-dry and aching and he wanted...
"I want to go home."
He thought he sounded just this side of pathetic, ready to just ditch everything and run away home like a child whose toy had broken. But really, what was he going to stay here for? It was over, they'd won the war, all that was left was rebuilding. Wouldn't it make sense for him to help his own people? Besides, he'd only been here one day and what had it gotten him? An empty bed, an empty heart...if he stayed, by tomorrow he could have lost the shirt on his back and gotten a broken arm to match his leg. No, he didn't want to be here anymore.
It was time to go home.
If his dad thought he sounded any more pathetic than usual he didn't say. He only nodded and gave Sokka a firm shoulder squeeze that said enough with the hugging, they were back into man territory. "We’re leaving in a couple of hours, with the tide. Do you need a hand getting down there?"
Sokka shook his head and his dad gave him a smile. "Then you've got just enough time to pack your things and say your goodbyes. I'll see you soon, Sokka."
With that, his father left him alone, the door shutting softly behind him. Sokka sat in the bed a moment longer, the enormity of it suddenly crashing in on him. He was going...home. Home. He'd get to see his Gran Gran again, hunt tiger seal, get out of this heat and into a more normal climate.
Back to normal. He swallowed the faint queasiness at the back of his throat away and shook his head. It was time for it, he supposed. He'd had his adventures and since he was just the guy who was normal, no mystical bending here, then he should get back to normal things. It was the right thing to do.
He started to bound out of bed, yelping as his leg firmly reminded him that, hello, broken here, and instead grabbed his crutch. Packing wasn't going to be hard, his bag was still sitting full on the chair. He snagged it over the arm that wasn't crutching him along and headed out the door.
~*~
Saying goodbye to Suki might have gone better if he'd been able to see her, but the other Kyoshi warriors had been weird about it, to say the least. Making awkward excuses for her being asleep and then for not waking her and when Sokka would have barged into her room anyway, they'd actually blocked the door. Which, okay, they'd broken up but as far as he knew they hadn't signed a blood feud.
It took him maybe longer than it should have to get it, but he was sort of hung over from weird medicine and a serious lack of sleep. It wasn't until he noticed that the girls weren't just weird, they were embarrassed that it hit: Suki was obviously not in her room alone.
He'd stood there far too long, mouth gaping like a badger toad catching flies before he'd managed to give them a weak smile and asked the girls to tell her goodbye from him. Their fervent agreement was probably mostly relief that he'd finally let it go, but the second he'd left their suite, Sokka's smile had faded.
It stung more than he'd expected, a glass-sharp cut added on top of his already aching heart. Sokka hadn't expected her to mourn forever but less than twenty-four hours didn't exactly seem like an appropriate grieving period. She could have at least missed him for a couple of days, a week, tops.
"Who knew I was so easy to get over?" Sokka muttered to himself, limping along the hallways. Easy to push aside, easy to get rid of. Yeah, that was what a guy liked to hear.
The hallways were filled with servants, obviously another perk of the rich and royal, all of them shiny and helpful the second the recognized, 'The Avatar's Companion.' Getting them to learn his name was kind of wasted what with his plan of leaving, so instead he just used them for directions, which they were happy to provide
The Avatar and His Other Companions, as they seemed to be known, were having a late breakfast in the northern gardens. A pretty young woman was happy to lead him there and before she left him, she bowed low enough to make Sokka uncomfortable. Being famous was okay but he wasn't into the borderline worship that Fire Nationals seemed to get into. It was weird to say the least.
Leaving her behind was a relief and he slowly crutched his way out into the gardens. It was more like a park, ornate benches scattered around in a seemingly disorganized pattern that had probably taken four guys and ten scrolls of paper to figure out. It was relatively undamaged, much better than a few other parts of the city Sokka had seen, and he didn't recognize half the plants but he could see well enough that it was a lovely garden.
Aang, Toph, and Katara were easy enough to find, their laughter drawing him forward, just like always, the six of them--
Sokka froze, just out of sight. Suki wasn't with them, he knew, but what if Zuko had joined them for breakfast. They were all friends, of course they would eat with him, spirits, he couldn't -
Carefully, Sokka crept closer, not quite sure what he was going to do. Toph had probably already felt him coming and it wasn't like he could take off running if he saw Zuko with them but...he couldn't leave without saying goodbye. Suck it up, warrior, he told himself fiercely, and peeked around the corner. Three familiar heads were bowed over the table, laughter and muffled words coming from crowded mouths made Sokka sigh in relief as he finally limped out.
"Hey guys."
"Good morning, sleepyhead!" Katara said cheerily, and with a pang, Sokka realized it would probably be months before he saw her again. The South Pole wasn't exactly right around the corner from anywhere, and Katara was bound to be busy, Aang, too. All of them. He and Katara had never been apart before, not really, and now...they were older and there were things that needed to be done.
"Have a seat and get something to eat," Katara gestured at an empty chair, "Unless you've already been raiding the kitchen."
"He and the cook are probably already on a first name basis," Toph put in around a mouthful of porridge.
"I can't, I...I just wanted to tell you," he took a deep breath, steadying himself. "I'm going back with dad today. Back home."
Everyone went still. Katara's chopsticks clattered into her dish, forgotten as she stared at him.
"Home?" Katara whispered, her eyes wide, "You...but I thought you and Zuko-"
Just the name made him flinch and he had to look away, down at the grass under his feet. She knew him so well, maybe better than he knew himself. Not Suki, not anything else but Zuko.
"Yeah, well," Sokka twisted his fingers together nervously. "The fact of the matter is he's Fire Lord now, he's got all these responsibilities and, you know," he waved a hand vaguely. "Fire Lord-y stuff to do. He doesn't need me hanging around getting in the way. Seriously, me? I'd be like an embarrassment to him."
Katara's face was getting redder, her eyes narrowing. "He told you that? After everything we all went through, after-"
"No, no, no!" Sokka said hastily, eyeing the tea trembling in the cups for signs of explosion. "Come on, we all know Zuko, now. Do you really think he'd say that?"
Katara looked away and Aang looked down, neither of them willing to meet Sokka's eyes. Toph just looked like she normally did. A soft murmur of 'no' and 'no, he wouldn't' circled the table.
No, he'd tried to think of a better way to say it. Sokka could already hear it, the soft rasp of his voice as he tried to be gentle, fumbling helplessly as he tried, and failed, not to break Sokka's heart. Better that he left now and spared Zuko from having to send him away.
It would be okay, he told himself, and he was going to keep telling himself that until it was true.
Zuko had loved him, a little, maybe more than a little. He hadn't quite said it but he'd come close and he never would have if it wasn't true.
"Well, that's just great," Toph spoke up, and the bitterness in her voice made all of them turn to her, staring. "You're breaking up with him but you're leaving us."
"Not forever," he protested but it was weak. When exactly was he going to be able to come back? "Besides, my leg is going to put me out of commission for a little-"
"Don't make excuses," Toph shouted, fragile tableware shattering to the ground as she stood and the ground wavered uncertainly under them. "You don't need to be able to walk to help make plans and schedules and to be here with us." She turned away abruptly, her face red, and Sokka realized with a sinking heart she was hiding tears.
"Fine," she said, curtly, her voice thick. "Come see me when you find your way back."
They all watched helplessly as she stormed away, Sokka with a hand half-raised and her name caught in his throat.
"Let her go, "Aang said quietly, "She'll be all right. Sokka, I understand if you want to go home. But-" he hesitated a little and Sokka grit his teeth, expecting a repeat of the night before and he couldn't tell Aang what had really happened, he couldn't.
But Aang surprised him. "Are you sure you're doing the right thing?" Aang asked, his voice careful.
"Yeah," Sokka said, tiredly. He was so tired. "It's time."
His sister stood abruptly, flinging herself at him so hard that both of them nearly fell to the ground, would have if a bended cushion of air hadn't buffered up against Sokka's back.
"I'll miss you so much," Katara whispered into his tunic, not bothering to hide her tears.
"Yeah, me too," Sokka said, pressing his face into the top of her head. He breathed deeply, wanting to take every memory of her that he could with him. A long moment passed before Sokka raised an arm to Aang, inviting him into their embrace. "You take good care of her, all right?" Sokka told him, trying to make his voice firm. It sounded more strangled than manly, but hey, it'd been a rough week. Aang made a sound like agreement, choking on his own emotions.
They stood there together until Sokka's leg ached and he knew he had to let go. But he still stayed a few minutes more.
~*~
The blue sails of the water tribe ships seemed strange in the Fire Nation harbor, surrounded by hulking ships of steel and smoke but at least it made them easy to find. Sokka was starting to regret that he had been determined to make his way on his own. The harbor was set high, great stone walls and stairs leading up to the larger ships that were so tall that they'd had to set planks along the docks allow the Water tribesmen to get to their much smaller boats.
The stairs had been bad enough but Sokka hadn't been able to do much more than stare in horror at the long, narrow planks and the water that was so much further down. He could just see himself plunging into that murky water and drowning, it would be the perfect end to the week, it really would.
"Need a hand?" A deep voice boomed beside him and Sokka managed to stifle his shriek, looking up into a familiar face.
"Bato!" he exclaimed, clasping hands with the other warrior.
"Come on, we'll get you on this ship," he said, still smiling. His hands were firm, leading easily when Sokka would wobble and soon enough he had two feet, or at least one and a half, on the deck.
"Ahhh," he sighed in relief, leaning against the side and letting his bag sag down to the deck. He'd rest for just a moment and then see if he could help out with the rigging. There was a long journey ahead and they'd need every hand, even ones attached to a bum leg.
He could see his father nearby, speaking to some other warriors but Hakoda paused long enough to give him a smile. Together with his dad and heading home. The salt air was too warm yet and heavy with humidity but it was still salt. It would cool off soon enough.
The tide was rising and Sokka reluctantly pushed off the side, getting ready to stow his gear below. Time to get to work.
A loud commotion near the docks gave him pause and Sokka turned with a frown, squinting upward. The sun was almost directly overhead but he could still make out the long stone walls, lined with stairs and people who were also pausing, looking towards the sounds of shouting. Vaguely, Sokka noticed other Water tribesmen coming up next to him, all of them watching upwards warily. Peace had come quickly and they were all still on edge, ready to believe but still...
Barely, he could make out the sight of someone running along the stone docks and another group behind them, chasing. Sokka leaned over the side almost unconsciously, trying to see. They were getting closer, coming out of the sun's glare, and the main contingency of the Southern Water Tribe warriors was treated to the sight of the new Fire Lord running hell bent down the pier, his hair loose and wild, long robes trailing behind him. The tide was high and the sails billowing but there was no leaving now, not with the entire water nation present gaping at the spectacle.
The royal guards were running after him, calling his name, the wild jumble of 'my lord' and 'sire' barely recognizable. Their frantic cries turned into panicked shouting as Zuko ignored the long planks, only hiked up his long robes and jumped. They flailed and hesitated, none of them seemed willing to follow their lord into two broken legs.
Dimly, Sokka heard the warriors around him gasp, all of them watching as Zuko landed lightly on the deck, as Sokka had known he would, but he hadn't expected Zuko to stumble, grimacing as he clutched one arm over his chest as though in pain.
Automatically, Sokka lifted a hand towards him, let it drift back down weakly as Zuko caught his balance quickly, drawing himself up. His hair was hanging in his face, his robes a wild disarray but he only looked around once before his eyes caught on Sokka, still leaning stupidly against the side of the boat, staring at him.
People made jokes about having a fiery temper but in Zuko's case it was literal. He looked practically volcanic, his eyes hot and furious, and Sokka would swear he saw a shower of sparks when Zuko clenched his fists and stalked forward.
If it wouldn't have been the singularly most unmanly moment of his life, Sokka might have just took off running in the other direction.
Out of the corner of his eye, Sokka saw two other warriors step forward, more than a little alarmed at having a furious firebender storming up to their Chief's son. Sokka waved them back frantically; better that only he die. Zuko didn't even glance at them when he grabbed Sokka by the front of his tunic and hauled him up on his toes, his crutch clattering to the deck. Zuko was only a couple of bare inches taller than him and Sokka still felt like he was dangling in his furious grip.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he snarled.
Going home, he started to say, his voice ridiculously weak, but no, he wasn't in the wrong here, dammit.
"You told me to leave!" Sokka hissed, still half-dangling in Zuko's grip because it wasn't worth trying to struggle away. Seriously, he didn't think that was a fight he was going to win.
"I wanted you to leave the room, not the country! I told you I would talk to you tomorrow. It's still tomorrow, if you haven't noticed," Zuko said scathingly.
Sokka only stared at him in mute anger and Zuko sighed, finally letting him back down on his feet. He stooped down and picked up Sokka's crutch, handing it to him silently, and Sokka took it with as much dignity as he could. The other warriors had back off a step but not much, not with something this good playing out in front of them. The docks were lined with guards and workers, everyone crowding in closer to get a better look.
"I'm sorry," Zuko said finally, pushing his hair back off his forehead. Most of it fell right back down, inky trails shadowing his face, "I know you were upset. But I was breaking up with my girlfriend! Don't you think it might have been a little bit cold to kiss my lover in front of her?"
He felt his cheeks go crimson at the word lover but then the rest of it clicked, his brain prodding his mouth into actually participating.
"You were...she was in your bed!"
"She was sitting on my bed, not in it! You may not have noticed but there aren't any chairs in my room. What kind of person do you think I am?"
The kind who was happy to sleep with pretty girls who wanted him, obviously. He'd been willing to share Sokka with Suki, why would he assume that Mai was any different? Only, Sokka found that he wasn't as generous as Zuko was, he didn't want to share. Didn't think he could bear it, not when just the thought left his chest tight and his eyes hot.
Zuko didn't wait for an answer, plowing on, his voice getting louder with every word. "Didn't I tell you that I loved you?"
"Well, actually-"
"And then the first chance you get you're already on a ship and my uncle has to ask me why I'm not here wishing you a good journey! When I played the coward at least I left a note!" The last was said at a shout, Zuko glaring at him furiously, and Sokka knew he wasn't imaging the faint wisp of steam trailing from his nose.
Forget a note, Sokka was kind of starting to wish he'd left an essay because at least then Zuko would probably still be reading it and not shouting at him. Not that he cared much about shouting in general but he did usually try to avoid public humiliation. The docks were utterly silent, even the ocean seemed to be oddly quiet, hanging on every word.
"Couldn't we talk about this somewhere else?" Sokka whispered furiously, gesturing around him at their very interested audience of water tribesmen, fire nation nationals, the odd Swamp bender and of course, his dad.
Zuko didn't take the hint and his voice was just as loud as before, echoing around them as he yelled, "We could have if you hadn't, oh, I don't know, packed up and started heading towards the South Pole! Do you love me or not?"
"Er..." The easy answer was yes and he'd been more than happy to give it to him when they'd been, you know, alone, without representatives of at least three nations watching them.
"Do you or not?" Came from one of the warriors behind him.
"Yeah, do you?" floated down from the docks, a murmuring echo surrounding them. Wonderful, they'd gone from spectators to audience participation.
Sokka ignored them all and turned around to look at his dad, his throat tight. His father was watching with everyone else, of course, just what he'd wanted his dad to see. He wasn't sure what he expected, having his dad suddenly find out that his son was not only into guys, he was into the new Fire Lord, and, yeah, by the way, he didn't need that talk about the cowbirds and the bees, thanks anyway.
Hakoda only gave him a little half smile, and held up his hands, questioning. Do you?
He felt a smile relax onto his own face. Yeah, he really did.
His father's expression grew solemn and he jerked his head towards Zuko. Sokka turned back to him almost winced at the expression on his face. He looked worn and tired and hurt...like he'd just gambled everything and lost. Sokka should know; he'd had that look on his own face for the past day. Zuko was not only offering him his heart on a silver platter, he was doing it in front of the entire world. Or at least his own little sliver of it.
Suddenly, this all seemed very easy.
"Of course I love you, you jerk," Sokka said, loud enough to be heard all the way to the docks before he grabbed the front of Zuko's shirt and pulled him in for a kiss.
They'd already saved the world. Everything else would be a piece of cake.
-finis-
Next Chapter
By Keelywolfe
Sokka/Zuko, other pairings
R
Seventeenth in a series:
No Turning Back
Division of Time
Conflicted
Manly Pursuits
Interlude: Aang
Say Anything
Interlude, Suki
Random Curiosity
Envy Was A Fever
Couldn't Drag Me Away
For the Love of Cheese
Interlude, Toph
As Easy As Breathing
Interlude, Iroh
Stealing Darkness
All That We See Or Seem
Summary: C'mon, you read the last one. This continues from there.
~*~
Sokka didn't know how long it had taken him to work up the energy to get up from the floor, but by the time he had, he'd been stiff and cold, all but crawling to the bed. He'd only stopped to get his dose of medicine, swallowing the bitterness quickly since there was no way he was going to be able to sleep without it.
Hours later, he wasn't having much luck sleeping with it. The sweet silvery lethargy was the same as before but he couldn't lose himself in it, the medicinal daze tainted with his own thoughts that refused to be still. Golden eyes and an unsmiling face were haunting him, a ghost that wasn't even dead but wouldn't give him any peace.
He told himself it didn't matter. Should have expected it, really; they'd never meant to be any more than a pair of buddies screwing around in stressful times. It was practically a relaxation technique. His sneaky, well-medicated brain slyly supplied him with the image of a bunch of warriors training in the art of relaxation through sex and he snorted laughter so loud that it echoed in his too-large room.
He wanted to tell himself that tomorrow he'd shrug it off and move on but he had a sneaking suspicion that that wasn't true. There was a little voice inside him that was crying that this wasn't fair, it wasn't, it wasn't! He'd sacrificed too, he'd fought, he'd shed sweat and blood and tears. Didn't he deserve some happiness too?
Sokka rolled over and buried his face into his pillows, resisting the urge to slap himself stupid. Or stupider, really, because that was probably the most selfish thought he'd ever had. Like he'd done all that for what it could get him? He'd never expected anything more out of his travels with Aang than a little adventure and maybe to save the world. Or possibly a horrible gruesome death, you had to be prepared for that kind of failure, too. It was a little late to start making requests of the gods; if he'd wanted personal happiness he should have submitted that prayer in advance.
There was another tiny part of him that whispered he should go to Suki, let himself lose his pain in her arms and between her legs. She'd let him in, he knew, she loved him enough to give him that.
He snorted, rolling over again and wincing as he jarred his bad leg. Yeah, that was a good idea. The one he'd wanted has pretty much dumped him so he thought he'd try for a consolation prize?
Nice, Sokka, you're a prince.
Except how he wasn't and that had to be part of the problem; he wasn't a prince and worse, he wasn't a princess and he didn't know a lot about royalty but he thought he could make some pretty good guesses about the need for heirs and things. And tomorrow, he supposed he was going to end up listening to Zuko stumbling through apologies and explanations along that line and Sokka wasn't entirely sure he could bear it. But he would. What else could he do?
This was his fault, he decided. He'd loved Suki too little and Zuko too much and now he had to deal with it. But, oh, he'd had that for a little while, pale, soft skin against his and he thought those tiny, sweet sounds Zuko made would haunt his dreams for the rest of his life.
His thoughts drifted on the multi-colored sea of medicinal wonder, wandering. Sokka raised a hand and looked at it, fascinated by the vapor trails of color that were left behind every time it moved it. He had blunt, blocky fingers, rough with calluses, his palms broad and square.
Zuko had slim hands, almost delicate, fine-boned and so unlike Sokka's that had spent years spearing fish and sharpening weapons. Okay, Zuko hadn't spent his whole life in his palace but let's face it, his time in the field of manual labor had been laughably short.
There were some calluses on his fingers, Sokka knew, thicker pads of flesh from where he gripped his swords. A few small scars; on his left hand there was a thin line across all of his knuckles where he must've gotten a heck of rap from something sharp. Once, Sokka had kissed those scars, ran his tongue across those slim fingers and sucked one into his mouth, curled his tongue around it and Zuko had made a sound so high his voice cracked.
Yeah, that had been nice. Sokka closed his eyes, his hand drifting down to touch his other arm where a bracelet of bruises was already forming. Those hands only looked delicate, until you felt them wrapped around you. Until they touched you, slid over your skin, and lower, and...
Sokka rolled over, buried his head under his pillows. This was pathetic. If he was going to mope about his lost love, he could at least wait until he'd had some sleep.
Lost love, yeah. Zuko had loved him in the end, Sokka decided; he wasn't imagining that in some drug-hazed desperation. Zuko held honor very highly and he wouldn't have said it if he hadn't meant it, even if he'd just brushed the edge of admitting it. He did love Sokka, at least a little, and maybe that was the worst part of all. If Zuko hadn't loved him then maybe Sokka wouldn't have cared and maybe he wouldn't be tormenting himself with memories and things he could never have.
Let it go tonight, he told himself fiercely, he'd have plenty of time to let those memories do that later. For now, he pulled a pillow over his head and tried not to think of golden eyes and shy little smiles. They weren't his anymore.
Probably never were.
~*~
It felt like he'd barely fallen asleep when light suddenly slapped against his closed eyelids. Sokka couldn't even muster the energy to groan, only just managed to lift a leaden arm to drape over his eyes.
"Rise and shine, sleepyhead," a deep voice told him and the bed dipped as someone sat on it. That voice was slowly filtering through his aching head, tickling at his memory. Oh, yeah, it was his dad. Who else would brave waking him?
"How are you feeling, son?" A light hand patted his upper thigh and Sokka didn't bother to stifle his groan as it jarred his leg, promptly waking up the dormant throbbing.
"Mmmroph," he snarled, rolling away. If his leg already had to hurt, then there was no way he was going to stay facing the open curtains.
He heard soft laughter. "I'm sorry, son, wouldn't be waking you so early, but I needed to ask if you were staying here or coming with us."
"Coming with us?" Sokka repeated groggily, struggling to push himself up on one elbow. "Going where?"
"Home," his dad said, simply. "I've wanted to see both of you so much, but we've been gone a long time and the other men are eager to get back to their families. I can't keep them away just for me." His father poured a glass of water from a decanter on a side table, offering it to Sokka. He took it and drank it absently, grimacing a little at the lingering medicinal taste in the cup. The coolness of it woke him up a little more and he managed to blink at his dad, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.
"You're leaving?" Sokka said, unthinking. He winced at the plaintive note to his voice. Like his dad really wanted to rush off again but there were a lot of other warriors who had family that they hadn't seen in two years. His dad was chief, he couldn't just hang out here in the Fire Nation and let other people rebuild their city.
"Yes," Hakoda said, softly, "They're resupplying our ships right now. We have a long way to go." His voice was firm but Sokka could see the hurt in his face, his eyes.
An apology seemed useless so instead Sokka leaned forward and hugged his dad. Strong arms came around him immediately and pulled him in tight. It had been a long time since Sokka felt like a child but somehow today he felt pretty damned small.
"I already spoke to your sister," his dad said, his breath ruffling Sokka's hair as he rested his chin atop Sokka's head. "She's planning on staying here with the Avatar; she'll be acting as a Water Tribe ambassador for now. I wanted to know if you were staying with her."
Leaving the choice to him, proving that he thought of Sokka as a warrior, and adult who could make his own choices, even though Sokka was still leaning into his arms like a child. Only Sokka didn't feel much like a warrior today. He felt tired and sore, his eyes too-dry and aching and he wanted...
"I want to go home."
He thought he sounded just this side of pathetic, ready to just ditch everything and run away home like a child whose toy had broken. But really, what was he going to stay here for? It was over, they'd won the war, all that was left was rebuilding. Wouldn't it make sense for him to help his own people? Besides, he'd only been here one day and what had it gotten him? An empty bed, an empty heart...if he stayed, by tomorrow he could have lost the shirt on his back and gotten a broken arm to match his leg. No, he didn't want to be here anymore.
It was time to go home.
If his dad thought he sounded any more pathetic than usual he didn't say. He only nodded and gave Sokka a firm shoulder squeeze that said enough with the hugging, they were back into man territory. "We’re leaving in a couple of hours, with the tide. Do you need a hand getting down there?"
Sokka shook his head and his dad gave him a smile. "Then you've got just enough time to pack your things and say your goodbyes. I'll see you soon, Sokka."
With that, his father left him alone, the door shutting softly behind him. Sokka sat in the bed a moment longer, the enormity of it suddenly crashing in on him. He was going...home. Home. He'd get to see his Gran Gran again, hunt tiger seal, get out of this heat and into a more normal climate.
Back to normal. He swallowed the faint queasiness at the back of his throat away and shook his head. It was time for it, he supposed. He'd had his adventures and since he was just the guy who was normal, no mystical bending here, then he should get back to normal things. It was the right thing to do.
He started to bound out of bed, yelping as his leg firmly reminded him that, hello, broken here, and instead grabbed his crutch. Packing wasn't going to be hard, his bag was still sitting full on the chair. He snagged it over the arm that wasn't crutching him along and headed out the door.
~*~
Saying goodbye to Suki might have gone better if he'd been able to see her, but the other Kyoshi warriors had been weird about it, to say the least. Making awkward excuses for her being asleep and then for not waking her and when Sokka would have barged into her room anyway, they'd actually blocked the door. Which, okay, they'd broken up but as far as he knew they hadn't signed a blood feud.
It took him maybe longer than it should have to get it, but he was sort of hung over from weird medicine and a serious lack of sleep. It wasn't until he noticed that the girls weren't just weird, they were embarrassed that it hit: Suki was obviously not in her room alone.
He'd stood there far too long, mouth gaping like a badger toad catching flies before he'd managed to give them a weak smile and asked the girls to tell her goodbye from him. Their fervent agreement was probably mostly relief that he'd finally let it go, but the second he'd left their suite, Sokka's smile had faded.
It stung more than he'd expected, a glass-sharp cut added on top of his already aching heart. Sokka hadn't expected her to mourn forever but less than twenty-four hours didn't exactly seem like an appropriate grieving period. She could have at least missed him for a couple of days, a week, tops.
"Who knew I was so easy to get over?" Sokka muttered to himself, limping along the hallways. Easy to push aside, easy to get rid of. Yeah, that was what a guy liked to hear.
The hallways were filled with servants, obviously another perk of the rich and royal, all of them shiny and helpful the second the recognized, 'The Avatar's Companion.' Getting them to learn his name was kind of wasted what with his plan of leaving, so instead he just used them for directions, which they were happy to provide
The Avatar and His Other Companions, as they seemed to be known, were having a late breakfast in the northern gardens. A pretty young woman was happy to lead him there and before she left him, she bowed low enough to make Sokka uncomfortable. Being famous was okay but he wasn't into the borderline worship that Fire Nationals seemed to get into. It was weird to say the least.
Leaving her behind was a relief and he slowly crutched his way out into the gardens. It was more like a park, ornate benches scattered around in a seemingly disorganized pattern that had probably taken four guys and ten scrolls of paper to figure out. It was relatively undamaged, much better than a few other parts of the city Sokka had seen, and he didn't recognize half the plants but he could see well enough that it was a lovely garden.
Aang, Toph, and Katara were easy enough to find, their laughter drawing him forward, just like always, the six of them--
Sokka froze, just out of sight. Suki wasn't with them, he knew, but what if Zuko had joined them for breakfast. They were all friends, of course they would eat with him, spirits, he couldn't -
Carefully, Sokka crept closer, not quite sure what he was going to do. Toph had probably already felt him coming and it wasn't like he could take off running if he saw Zuko with them but...he couldn't leave without saying goodbye. Suck it up, warrior, he told himself fiercely, and peeked around the corner. Three familiar heads were bowed over the table, laughter and muffled words coming from crowded mouths made Sokka sigh in relief as he finally limped out.
"Hey guys."
"Good morning, sleepyhead!" Katara said cheerily, and with a pang, Sokka realized it would probably be months before he saw her again. The South Pole wasn't exactly right around the corner from anywhere, and Katara was bound to be busy, Aang, too. All of them. He and Katara had never been apart before, not really, and now...they were older and there were things that needed to be done.
"Have a seat and get something to eat," Katara gestured at an empty chair, "Unless you've already been raiding the kitchen."
"He and the cook are probably already on a first name basis," Toph put in around a mouthful of porridge.
"I can't, I...I just wanted to tell you," he took a deep breath, steadying himself. "I'm going back with dad today. Back home."
Everyone went still. Katara's chopsticks clattered into her dish, forgotten as she stared at him.
"Home?" Katara whispered, her eyes wide, "You...but I thought you and Zuko-"
Just the name made him flinch and he had to look away, down at the grass under his feet. She knew him so well, maybe better than he knew himself. Not Suki, not anything else but Zuko.
"Yeah, well," Sokka twisted his fingers together nervously. "The fact of the matter is he's Fire Lord now, he's got all these responsibilities and, you know," he waved a hand vaguely. "Fire Lord-y stuff to do. He doesn't need me hanging around getting in the way. Seriously, me? I'd be like an embarrassment to him."
Katara's face was getting redder, her eyes narrowing. "He told you that? After everything we all went through, after-"
"No, no, no!" Sokka said hastily, eyeing the tea trembling in the cups for signs of explosion. "Come on, we all know Zuko, now. Do you really think he'd say that?"
Katara looked away and Aang looked down, neither of them willing to meet Sokka's eyes. Toph just looked like she normally did. A soft murmur of 'no' and 'no, he wouldn't' circled the table.
No, he'd tried to think of a better way to say it. Sokka could already hear it, the soft rasp of his voice as he tried to be gentle, fumbling helplessly as he tried, and failed, not to break Sokka's heart. Better that he left now and spared Zuko from having to send him away.
It would be okay, he told himself, and he was going to keep telling himself that until it was true.
Zuko had loved him, a little, maybe more than a little. He hadn't quite said it but he'd come close and he never would have if it wasn't true.
"Well, that's just great," Toph spoke up, and the bitterness in her voice made all of them turn to her, staring. "You're breaking up with him but you're leaving us."
"Not forever," he protested but it was weak. When exactly was he going to be able to come back? "Besides, my leg is going to put me out of commission for a little-"
"Don't make excuses," Toph shouted, fragile tableware shattering to the ground as she stood and the ground wavered uncertainly under them. "You don't need to be able to walk to help make plans and schedules and to be here with us." She turned away abruptly, her face red, and Sokka realized with a sinking heart she was hiding tears.
"Fine," she said, curtly, her voice thick. "Come see me when you find your way back."
They all watched helplessly as she stormed away, Sokka with a hand half-raised and her name caught in his throat.
"Let her go, "Aang said quietly, "She'll be all right. Sokka, I understand if you want to go home. But-" he hesitated a little and Sokka grit his teeth, expecting a repeat of the night before and he couldn't tell Aang what had really happened, he couldn't.
But Aang surprised him. "Are you sure you're doing the right thing?" Aang asked, his voice careful.
"Yeah," Sokka said, tiredly. He was so tired. "It's time."
His sister stood abruptly, flinging herself at him so hard that both of them nearly fell to the ground, would have if a bended cushion of air hadn't buffered up against Sokka's back.
"I'll miss you so much," Katara whispered into his tunic, not bothering to hide her tears.
"Yeah, me too," Sokka said, pressing his face into the top of her head. He breathed deeply, wanting to take every memory of her that he could with him. A long moment passed before Sokka raised an arm to Aang, inviting him into their embrace. "You take good care of her, all right?" Sokka told him, trying to make his voice firm. It sounded more strangled than manly, but hey, it'd been a rough week. Aang made a sound like agreement, choking on his own emotions.
They stood there together until Sokka's leg ached and he knew he had to let go. But he still stayed a few minutes more.
~*~
The blue sails of the water tribe ships seemed strange in the Fire Nation harbor, surrounded by hulking ships of steel and smoke but at least it made them easy to find. Sokka was starting to regret that he had been determined to make his way on his own. The harbor was set high, great stone walls and stairs leading up to the larger ships that were so tall that they'd had to set planks along the docks allow the Water tribesmen to get to their much smaller boats.
The stairs had been bad enough but Sokka hadn't been able to do much more than stare in horror at the long, narrow planks and the water that was so much further down. He could just see himself plunging into that murky water and drowning, it would be the perfect end to the week, it really would.
"Need a hand?" A deep voice boomed beside him and Sokka managed to stifle his shriek, looking up into a familiar face.
"Bato!" he exclaimed, clasping hands with the other warrior.
"Come on, we'll get you on this ship," he said, still smiling. His hands were firm, leading easily when Sokka would wobble and soon enough he had two feet, or at least one and a half, on the deck.
"Ahhh," he sighed in relief, leaning against the side and letting his bag sag down to the deck. He'd rest for just a moment and then see if he could help out with the rigging. There was a long journey ahead and they'd need every hand, even ones attached to a bum leg.
He could see his father nearby, speaking to some other warriors but Hakoda paused long enough to give him a smile. Together with his dad and heading home. The salt air was too warm yet and heavy with humidity but it was still salt. It would cool off soon enough.
The tide was rising and Sokka reluctantly pushed off the side, getting ready to stow his gear below. Time to get to work.
A loud commotion near the docks gave him pause and Sokka turned with a frown, squinting upward. The sun was almost directly overhead but he could still make out the long stone walls, lined with stairs and people who were also pausing, looking towards the sounds of shouting. Vaguely, Sokka noticed other Water tribesmen coming up next to him, all of them watching upwards warily. Peace had come quickly and they were all still on edge, ready to believe but still...
Barely, he could make out the sight of someone running along the stone docks and another group behind them, chasing. Sokka leaned over the side almost unconsciously, trying to see. They were getting closer, coming out of the sun's glare, and the main contingency of the Southern Water Tribe warriors was treated to the sight of the new Fire Lord running hell bent down the pier, his hair loose and wild, long robes trailing behind him. The tide was high and the sails billowing but there was no leaving now, not with the entire water nation present gaping at the spectacle.
The royal guards were running after him, calling his name, the wild jumble of 'my lord' and 'sire' barely recognizable. Their frantic cries turned into panicked shouting as Zuko ignored the long planks, only hiked up his long robes and jumped. They flailed and hesitated, none of them seemed willing to follow their lord into two broken legs.
Dimly, Sokka heard the warriors around him gasp, all of them watching as Zuko landed lightly on the deck, as Sokka had known he would, but he hadn't expected Zuko to stumble, grimacing as he clutched one arm over his chest as though in pain.
Automatically, Sokka lifted a hand towards him, let it drift back down weakly as Zuko caught his balance quickly, drawing himself up. His hair was hanging in his face, his robes a wild disarray but he only looked around once before his eyes caught on Sokka, still leaning stupidly against the side of the boat, staring at him.
People made jokes about having a fiery temper but in Zuko's case it was literal. He looked practically volcanic, his eyes hot and furious, and Sokka would swear he saw a shower of sparks when Zuko clenched his fists and stalked forward.
If it wouldn't have been the singularly most unmanly moment of his life, Sokka might have just took off running in the other direction.
Out of the corner of his eye, Sokka saw two other warriors step forward, more than a little alarmed at having a furious firebender storming up to their Chief's son. Sokka waved them back frantically; better that only he die. Zuko didn't even glance at them when he grabbed Sokka by the front of his tunic and hauled him up on his toes, his crutch clattering to the deck. Zuko was only a couple of bare inches taller than him and Sokka still felt like he was dangling in his furious grip.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he snarled.
Going home, he started to say, his voice ridiculously weak, but no, he wasn't in the wrong here, dammit.
"You told me to leave!" Sokka hissed, still half-dangling in Zuko's grip because it wasn't worth trying to struggle away. Seriously, he didn't think that was a fight he was going to win.
"I wanted you to leave the room, not the country! I told you I would talk to you tomorrow. It's still tomorrow, if you haven't noticed," Zuko said scathingly.
Sokka only stared at him in mute anger and Zuko sighed, finally letting him back down on his feet. He stooped down and picked up Sokka's crutch, handing it to him silently, and Sokka took it with as much dignity as he could. The other warriors had back off a step but not much, not with something this good playing out in front of them. The docks were lined with guards and workers, everyone crowding in closer to get a better look.
"I'm sorry," Zuko said finally, pushing his hair back off his forehead. Most of it fell right back down, inky trails shadowing his face, "I know you were upset. But I was breaking up with my girlfriend! Don't you think it might have been a little bit cold to kiss my lover in front of her?"
He felt his cheeks go crimson at the word lover but then the rest of it clicked, his brain prodding his mouth into actually participating.
"You were...she was in your bed!"
"She was sitting on my bed, not in it! You may not have noticed but there aren't any chairs in my room. What kind of person do you think I am?"
The kind who was happy to sleep with pretty girls who wanted him, obviously. He'd been willing to share Sokka with Suki, why would he assume that Mai was any different? Only, Sokka found that he wasn't as generous as Zuko was, he didn't want to share. Didn't think he could bear it, not when just the thought left his chest tight and his eyes hot.
Zuko didn't wait for an answer, plowing on, his voice getting louder with every word. "Didn't I tell you that I loved you?"
"Well, actually-"
"And then the first chance you get you're already on a ship and my uncle has to ask me why I'm not here wishing you a good journey! When I played the coward at least I left a note!" The last was said at a shout, Zuko glaring at him furiously, and Sokka knew he wasn't imaging the faint wisp of steam trailing from his nose.
Forget a note, Sokka was kind of starting to wish he'd left an essay because at least then Zuko would probably still be reading it and not shouting at him. Not that he cared much about shouting in general but he did usually try to avoid public humiliation. The docks were utterly silent, even the ocean seemed to be oddly quiet, hanging on every word.
"Couldn't we talk about this somewhere else?" Sokka whispered furiously, gesturing around him at their very interested audience of water tribesmen, fire nation nationals, the odd Swamp bender and of course, his dad.
Zuko didn't take the hint and his voice was just as loud as before, echoing around them as he yelled, "We could have if you hadn't, oh, I don't know, packed up and started heading towards the South Pole! Do you love me or not?"
"Er..." The easy answer was yes and he'd been more than happy to give it to him when they'd been, you know, alone, without representatives of at least three nations watching them.
"Do you or not?" Came from one of the warriors behind him.
"Yeah, do you?" floated down from the docks, a murmuring echo surrounding them. Wonderful, they'd gone from spectators to audience participation.
Sokka ignored them all and turned around to look at his dad, his throat tight. His father was watching with everyone else, of course, just what he'd wanted his dad to see. He wasn't sure what he expected, having his dad suddenly find out that his son was not only into guys, he was into the new Fire Lord, and, yeah, by the way, he didn't need that talk about the cowbirds and the bees, thanks anyway.
Hakoda only gave him a little half smile, and held up his hands, questioning. Do you?
He felt a smile relax onto his own face. Yeah, he really did.
His father's expression grew solemn and he jerked his head towards Zuko. Sokka turned back to him almost winced at the expression on his face. He looked worn and tired and hurt...like he'd just gambled everything and lost. Sokka should know; he'd had that look on his own face for the past day. Zuko was not only offering him his heart on a silver platter, he was doing it in front of the entire world. Or at least his own little sliver of it.
Suddenly, this all seemed very easy.
"Of course I love you, you jerk," Sokka said, loud enough to be heard all the way to the docks before he grabbed the front of Zuko's shirt and pulled him in for a kiss.
They'd already saved the world. Everything else would be a piece of cake.
-finis-
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