Gaah.
There's just this weird irony in all of this. I've been partially running to art and to school to try and sort myself before I get into politics because, by no means, do I understand any of it. I don't understand why laws are made the way they are, why we have an ex-actor as a governor, why we have a crazy president that still is leading the nation, how the game works, or even if any of it is moving us forward. I don't have anything to stand on, either...I only have what I feel, which is not enough. My family has rarely discussed politics, so in my head, it has never been very important. I have always assumed that the American people have elected competent people to represent and lead the country. I know not everything is perfect and that cracks exist, but this is absolutely ridiculous.
What started all of this was that I'm taking an art history class pertaining to "Art in Communities," and basically how art has transformed cities and people after much civil unrest. We have focused on Argentina thus far, and it's a heavy 3 hours every week. By no means did I expect this to be a happy fluffy joy ride, but it all comes back to blaming in some form or another the United States or our ignorance as citizens. I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of choosing what I see or that these atrocities don't mean anything, but I feel completely attacked. I know this exists; I know I am the product of my environment; I know I need to educate myself. I thought this class was going to be more of an education and less of a manifesto. The reason why I am in there is to fill in the gaps of what I don't know, not to be reminded that I don't know them to begin with or that my media and government is biased. Everyone is biased, and I'm no exception.
I am not skilled in rhetoric or persuasion or law. I am trying my best as a person to work with the people I interact with everyday, with the community I understand. I perhaps am limiting myself to a small bubble of the world so far, but I want to know that I can make a difference on a small scale. I'm at college trying to learn what I can with my 4 years of self-indulgence to read, think, and create without any additional outside pressures. How can I profoundly change the world when I don't even understand how I can help it? If I can't even help the immediate community, if I can't even understand my own campus, what am I supposed to do? I know terrible things fly around the world; yes, I do understand that my country and this leader (not mine) needs to take responsibility. I acknowledge there is a lot I must learn. But I don't feel like it's necessarily right to go around posing for causes I don't understand or for people who'd hate me for using them as a way of satisfying some humanitarian quota.
I'm trying to do the best I can here for what I am. I know I can't do everything. I don't even know what I'm capable of yet. But with what I can do, I am trying my best in everyday interactions - I really believe in paying forward, not paying back. I think I feel hurt because it seems like all my efforts in my education have been shot down - that all my work means absolutely nothing in comparison to the turmoil going on in other countries. I'm being blamed for learning an education I was expected to follow and the only one I've ever known. I'm being blamed for growing up in suburbia and leading a fairly drama-less life. Maybe the blaming is all being done in my mind, the idea that I'm not good enough to make an impact on the world, but it's just stirring up a lot of anger and unrest in me. And it's crazy because I've never been angry in so long. I forgot how much it burns your insides. I don't know how to react or how to handle it.
I've never liked the concept of anger because I feel it throws off rationality and it engulfs you with pure passion. The last time I distinctly remember getting a burst of anger was when a girl in high school was bothering the shit out of me sophomore year, and I seriously thought I was going to punch her face in. Now, I consider myself a non-violent person, but I was ready to smash her cranium to my satisfaction. I ran off to cool down because I was afraid I would do it. I've also had a long-term anger where I couldn't even look at a person without getting so pissed. And to this day, I still don't entirely understand why I got so worked up in either instance.
So, as this lady comes in to teach us, and she's full of passion - I'm completely uncomfortable. I believe her cause is just, and that she has every right to feel what she does. I just don't share that fire, and she's imposing it on us. She has great intentions, and I feel like I'm learning a lot every time I come out (...and completely emotionally drained). But I feel like she's pounding us into the pavement with everything that's wrong with the world, and the slight glimmer art, communities, and politics bring to the table. I just can't imagine having to have everything attatched to such a stormy experience - that everything she works for are these causes. I understand they are important and that they cannot be left alone, but is there that little joy that she must hold onto? Life cannot be a perpetual tragedy or a constant battle, both figurative or literal.
If anything, this class is stirring something in me and smashing into the depths of everything I've avoided through high school. For better or worse.
Note to self:"Art, Truth, and Politics" by Harold Pinter.