Room switch
So, I come back to school and find my roommate is no one other than my sister's ex-boyfriend. I'm confused about how bad I'm taking their break-up, I really can't seem to accept it. Or rather, I can't accept the fact that she dumped him right after lecturing me about accepting she loves this guy and blahblahblah. See if I believe her this time when she comes saying: "Can't you accept someone I love niichan? You're too unfair niichan!" I was well on my way to accepting the Last boyfriend, no matter how much it hurts to admit something I swore I'd never do. So why bother even trying when she's obviously changing boyfriends every other month or so? Gotta sympathise with Yanagi. I seriously don't know shit about what's going on in her head.
Then again, I was alone with mom the other day, and she said it's just healthy if I take a step back and concentrate in my own life instead of her's. We're different people. She even went far enough to say I should look for a girlfriend.
...
I told her I have someone I have deep feelings for, but I couldn't trouble her with Fuji being a guy. Mom likes him, so I wouldn't have to worry about her thinking he's ill-suited for me, but just that he's a guy. No matter how open-minded mom's being with An, it has never really reached me in the same way. Since I'm a guy, my parents have expectations of me. Having them telling me my being gay is not part of their plans would just break the harmony I have everything in now.
I will tell them, when I feel comfortable coming out about it. I'll start with mom, since like I said she's the more open-minded one. Dad will definitely not take it well. He's a cop. He associates homosexuals with teen prostitutes and thieves. Telling them too early might make them target Fuji and I don't want him to go through that. Even if they didn't, it will be a hard time. I want to... I want to be more secure where I'm standing before I stir the soup. I don't think being gay is wrong, since I never even thought about being gay when I first got interested in Fuji. I'll write more about that when I have it sorted out. Right now it's just a bundle of words which don't really mean anything.
Going back to the subject I started from, Mom says An and I have always been a little too close. She'd have preferred us arguing more when we were kids. That would've made growing apart now easier. And we should grow apart, she thinks. Having a good guy like me as a brother will always and forever affect her view on other guys. Thinking they're better than they are. Or something. Not that she said this to me. I just happened to hear her talking to a neighbour sometime. I felt good about mom thinking of me as a good son, but the other stuff... It's like she's already given up on An, like the time she gave up on me when I was still in Shishigaku. I don't like it.
The point is, I can't Do anything about An. She'll always go and do whatever she wants. We never really had clear limits when we were kids. I had some put around me since I rebelled back then, but An never had, since she was sweet, and a girl. Maybe she'll feel guilty about going against what I say, but she'll do it anyway. She doesn't ask me before she goes and does something stupid, like not telling me would mean I have to accept it once it's done, because there's nothing I can do about it. I know what's going on in her head at the time. "Niichan wouldn't understand anyway. He always tells me not to." Then what is the point telling me afterwards? Gloating? "Look at what I've done, and you can do Nothing about it!" I'm going round in circles.....But I do feel helpless with her.
Here's what mom suggested: "Tell her: Good Job! every once in a while, Kippei. Like you used to say when you were kids. 'Good for you, sis.' Take her by the hand and tell her 'I trust you to know what's right for you'. Little things like this. You always seem to put her down these days. She needs to know you're supporting her." Well, Mom, I'm NOT. Okay, so I AM but all I can see is everything going terribly wrong with her and if she goes too far away, I can't protect her there!
...I should clean up. Wash the windows in this room. They're a bit dusty. What is the cleaning lady doing with her time? I wouldn't hire her for house-keeping, that's for sure.
Then again, I was alone with mom the other day, and she said it's just healthy if I take a step back and concentrate in my own life instead of her's. We're different people. She even went far enough to say I should look for a girlfriend.
...
I told her I have someone I have deep feelings for, but I couldn't trouble her with Fuji being a guy. Mom likes him, so I wouldn't have to worry about her thinking he's ill-suited for me, but just that he's a guy. No matter how open-minded mom's being with An, it has never really reached me in the same way. Since I'm a guy, my parents have expectations of me. Having them telling me my being gay is not part of their plans would just break the harmony I have everything in now.
I will tell them, when I feel comfortable coming out about it. I'll start with mom, since like I said she's the more open-minded one. Dad will definitely not take it well. He's a cop. He associates homosexuals with teen prostitutes and thieves. Telling them too early might make them target Fuji and I don't want him to go through that. Even if they didn't, it will be a hard time. I want to... I want to be more secure where I'm standing before I stir the soup. I don't think being gay is wrong, since I never even thought about being gay when I first got interested in Fuji. I'll write more about that when I have it sorted out. Right now it's just a bundle of words which don't really mean anything.
Going back to the subject I started from, Mom says An and I have always been a little too close. She'd have preferred us arguing more when we were kids. That would've made growing apart now easier. And we should grow apart, she thinks. Having a good guy like me as a brother will always and forever affect her view on other guys. Thinking they're better than they are. Or something. Not that she said this to me. I just happened to hear her talking to a neighbour sometime. I felt good about mom thinking of me as a good son, but the other stuff... It's like she's already given up on An, like the time she gave up on me when I was still in Shishigaku. I don't like it.
The point is, I can't Do anything about An. She'll always go and do whatever she wants. We never really had clear limits when we were kids. I had some put around me since I rebelled back then, but An never had, since she was sweet, and a girl. Maybe she'll feel guilty about going against what I say, but she'll do it anyway. She doesn't ask me before she goes and does something stupid, like not telling me would mean I have to accept it once it's done, because there's nothing I can do about it. I know what's going on in her head at the time. "Niichan wouldn't understand anyway. He always tells me not to." Then what is the point telling me afterwards? Gloating? "Look at what I've done, and you can do Nothing about it!" I'm going round in circles.....But I do feel helpless with her.
Here's what mom suggested: "Tell her: Good Job! every once in a while, Kippei. Like you used to say when you were kids. 'Good for you, sis.' Take her by the hand and tell her 'I trust you to know what's right for you'. Little things like this. You always seem to put her down these days. She needs to know you're supporting her." Well, Mom, I'm NOT. Okay, so I AM but all I can see is everything going terribly wrong with her and if she goes too far away, I can't protect her there!
...I should clean up. Wash the windows in this room. They're a bit dusty. What is the cleaning lady doing with her time? I wouldn't hire her for house-keeping, that's for sure.