raindrops
title: Raindrops
pairing: baekhyun/chanyeol
length: oneshot
genre: romance, drama
word count: 2300~
summary: i just can’t find a way to let go of you
an: this are three drabbles put into one so yeah, it's a fail lol and im sorry for all the drama.
All the tears have been cried.
Baekhyun stands by the doorway and stares at what once was his every dream come true. His eyes travel one last time over that tall figure silhouetted against the floor length windows. Those windows brought so much light into their apartment but not nearly as much as the smile that Chanyeol used to smile for him. Only for him.
He tightens his fists and asks himself for the thousandth time-for the millionth time-what exactly went wrong? When did the end even begin? They loved each other so damned much. They were Baekhyun and Chanyeol and they were supposed to be forever.
Was it all a lie? Was Baekhyun the only one in love? Was it just him living for every touch and every kiss? Did he just imagine the tenderness he heard when Chanyeol called his name?
It’s no use, though, asking those questions. no matter how many times he does, he will still end up on their doorway with one foot out the door, heartbroken and a track of dried tears running down his cheeks.
Won’t you look at me? he thinks. Won’t you look at me before i go? Chanyeol, won’t you ease this pain? Please make it stop.
But the man he used to love-he still loves-doesn’t move and doesn’t speak. He doesn’t look at Baekhyun. He just stares outside those damned windows. Baekhyun thinks he has cried enough but he feels that burn behind his eyes once more. He thinks his heart has already turned numb but he hears it shatter into even tinier pieces.
His hand trembles as he reaches for his suitcase, the only thing that remains of what his life was. And he thinks it’s small. It’s six years and all he has is that tiny piece of luggage. He remembers why. They share their bed, their shirts, their everything. Now he’s leaving them all behind.
He believes it shouldn’t end this way. He wants to say something, anything that will make Chanyeol just look at him. Because in the deepest recesses of his tired and lonely heart, he still hopes that Chanyeol will make him stay. That he will tell him it was just a joke when he didn’t say i love you back the last two hundred sixteen times Baekhyun told him he did. Chanyeol has always made everything all right so if he will just turn around-just half-way will do-then Baekhyun will feel alive again.
He wants to call out his name. However, his lips won’t move. There’s a lump lodged in his throat and he can’t speak. Baekhyun wipes away at a stray tear. He cries because he loves Chanyeol too much to stay. It’s clear he is no longer Baekhyun’s Chanyeol. Maybe he never really was.
And then Baekhyun's out the door, on the streets. He feels lost and has no idea where to go for he has always been Chanyeol’s Baekhyun and doesn’t know anything else. The sky turns overcast and the wind is biting against his pale skin. Then it’s raining. Baekhyun closes his eyes and thanks the skies for that small gift, hoping that the rain will wash away all the aches and the bitter aftertaste of hope.
He doesn’t notice him until Baekhyun realizes he can no longer feel the rain hitting his face. Baekhyun opens his eyes to a black umbrella hovering above his head. There are crystal droplets clinging to the other guy’s dark hair.
“Please don’t,” the young man says and Baekhyun’s brows knot in confusion. “I meant please don’t stay out in the rain. What if you get sick? What if you die? I haven’t even had the chance to love you yet.”
Baekhyun’s jaw drops and to his surprise, he laughs. He’s not happy but- “what?”
“I’m Kim Jongin.” The boy smiles once more. It isn’t as bright as Chanyeol’s but it’s warm.
Baekhyun isn’t ready to love again. Not yet. “Byun Baekhyun.”
It’s crazy. This is crazy.
Chanyeol huddles into his large coat as the sky sent a fresh onslaught of rain… And of pain as he watches the boy he used to love-he still loves-hook his arm around another man’s waist as they run across the street to a small cafe, their black umbrella barely protecting them from the weather.
They go there every Thursday without fail.
He chanced upon them three months ago. In a weak moment he went back to his and Baekhyun’s place because he missed him so much. The apartment looked abandoned and as broken as his life was. He couldn’t stay there after Baekhyun left. Too many memories. Too many tears.
It was on his way home when he heard that familiar voice call out. But it wasn’t his name he was calling. He turned and saw Baekhyun walk over to a tall boy. He was smiling and Chanyeol couldn’t breathe because it has been so long since Baekhyun smiled at him like that. Long before he left. Long before Chanyeol realized he couldn’t make Baekhyun happy.
He shivers again and waits out there by the lamp post which looked as lonely as he was. He knows that half an hour later they will come out. The taller boy may be holding a brown paper bag of pastries or not. Baekhyun maybe laughing or not. But it remains that they will come out together and Chanyeol will still be alone.
He doesn’t understand why he keeps doing this to himself. It certainly hurts every time. But he still goes there every Thursday. To feel his heart break every Thursday.
The rain eases up a bit. He takes a breath and prepares himself as the cafe door opens. Baekhyun goes out first and opens the umbrella as the dark-skinned guy steps closer to his side. The taller boy leans close and whispers something into Baekhyun’s ear and Chanyeol’s fists clench because there was once a time when he’s the only one who can do that.
They go down the road and Chanyeol looks away not wanting Baekhyun to see how desperate he is for a glimpse of what he once had. He lets the cold seep into his coat until it reaches his skin, praying that he’ll be numb soon. He starts to walk on the opposite direction but stops as he feels the air around him shift. He expects it and at the same time he doesn’t.
“Stop it,” Baekhyun says from behind him.
Chanyeol closes his eyes for a moment and savors the feeling of the small hand that held on to his arm.
“Stop following me,” the other boy tells him and it’s hard but Chanyeol turns around.
He looks down at his beloved face. Baekhyun’s pale and his lips are almost blue from the cold. He no longer is holding onto an umbrella and he’s by himself.
“I will,” Chanyeol answers.
“When?”
“Soon.”
“Please,” Baekhyun comes closer and stares into his eyes. Chanyeol isn’t sure if they are raindrops clinging onto his thick lashes. “Let me get over you.”
“I’m sorry.” For everything.
“You let me leave,” Baekhyun says and there was a flash of hurt that he quickly tried to conceal.
“I know. I can’t make you happy,” Chanyeol replies and his hand lifts to brush the soft hair matted on Baekhyun’s forehead.
“There was a time when I didn’t care if you did.” And now Chanyeol’s sure that those aren’t raindrops. “I didn’t need to be happy. I just wanted to be with you.”
He can’t say anything more. Chanyeol leans down and brushes a soft kiss on Baekhyun’s lips. After that, he walks away.
He comes home and goes to the bedside drawer. He takes out a box of folded paper and opens them one by one until the bed is full of letters that Baekhyun never saw.
I love you, too each of them read. his replies to the two hundred sixteen times he stayed quiet when Baekhyun said I love you.
Baekhyun watches the rain fall outside. With a fingertip, he follows the descent of a raindrop against the other side of the window pane. He feels the cold even through the thick sweater he is wearing. There are no steady arms to wrap around him and no chest to lean on to, to drive away the chill.
He remembers what happened last week, when he finally got the courage to walk up to Chanyeol. He doesn’t know exactly how long the taller boy has been following him. It was a shock when he caught a glimpse of him a month ago, standing by the lamp post outside the café. He thought it was just a trick of the light--an illusion brought about by long sleepless nights calling out for him. Missing him.
But he saw him again the week after and then following one and he doesn’t know what to think. It has been hard enough walking out the door. Seeing Chanyeol watching for him makes forgetting much more difficult.
He’s thankful that he met Jongin. He found a friend in the younger boy. The pain hasn’t stopped. It’s a dull ache in his chest that doesn't go away but Jongin makes everything a little bit easier. They meet every Thursday, grab a cup of coffee and talk about their week. How Baekhyun was doing in his new job and how jongin can't seem to impress his boss. The conversations are easy and comfortable.
Baekhyun thought he is finally moving on but the way his heart clenched when he saw Chanyeol waiting outside in the rain disproves that. He still loves him--will love him for as long as he breathes--and it's pathetic.
So weak, he tells himself as he wipes on a stray tear. Because, although he told Chanyeol to stop following him, he still wants to see him by that lamp post this Thursday and the next one. Every Thursday until eternity.
It’s true, what he told Chanyeol. He just wanted to be with him in any way he could. He wonders when Chanyeol started to think that he couldn't make Baekhyun happy. For it's impossible. Just knowing Chanyeol's beside him--smiling, frowning, talking or just breathing--makes life worth living. He tried to tell Chanyeol that but it seems it wasn't enough.
Baekhyun leans his head against the glass and closes his eyes. He can still the feel the heat of Chanyeol's lips when he kissed him goodbye. For the first time in months, he was alive--he heard the sound of the rain hitting the pavement, he saw color of the fallen leaves lining the sidewalk and he felt the hot dampness against his cheeks when he saw Chanyeol walk away.
It’s sad because even if that moment lasted just a few seconds it will take much longer to go back to being numb. To make it worse, he isn't sure if he wants to be numb again.
He is startled by the ringing of his phone. He takes it out from his pocket and almost drops it when he sees who is calling. As if summoned by his lonely heart, he sees Chanyeol's name flash on the screen. Baekhyun stares at it and grasps the phone tight. It’s not a question of him answering the call. He hesitates because he doesn't want Chanyeol to know that he's crying and that he has already given up denying that he wants to be Chanyeol's Baekhyun once more.
With a deep breath, he answers, "hello?"
"I’m looking at your picture and I still think I don't deserve you," Chanyeol says, his voice rough, deeper than usual. "I’m always afraid and I feel guilty as hell every time I look at you. Because Baek, you...you make me so happy. But I can't do the same for you."
Baekhyun thought he can control the tears except he can't. Not really. He falls to his knees and cries. He knows Chanyeol can hear but he is helpless to stop the harsh sobs wracking his small frame.
"Please," Chanyeol continues and Baekhyun can hear his voice crack, "don't cry. I’m not worth those tears. And… and you don't cry prettily."
"I hate you." I love you, idiot. I love you so much.
"I hate me, too. But Baekhyun, can we just... can you come back to me? You can hate me just please come back to me."
Baekhyun hears Chanyeol crying, too.
"I still can't make you happy. I’ll probably still be the same Chanyeol you left. I’ll try to change or something--"
"No. That Chanyeol's the Chanyeol I love," Baekhyun whispers. "I don't know why you think I’m not happy."
"I held you back. I’m the reason you didn't fulfill any of your dreams. I stole them and gave you the shitty ones I have instead."
"You really are stupid," Baekhyun shakes his head and lets outs a teary laugh. Then he sobers up. "You are my dream come true, Chanyeol."
"No, I’m not. But you've always been mine." After a pause, Chanyeol says solemnly, "I really don't deserve it but... can I keep you, Baek?"
Baekhyun leans his side against the wall and presses the phone closer to his ear. He recalls the first time Chanyeol confessed to him with those exact same words.
"I’m not a thing you can keep," he answers just like he did six years ago, when Baekhyun was so in love with his roommate, Chanyeol. He still is.
"I know but if I don't keep you how can Baekhyun and Chanyeol be forever?"
Baekhyun let out another sob, "This time, it's really forever, okay?"
"Yes. I love you, Baek."
Baekhyun doesn't care if people will think him stupid and easy. "I love you."