'cause in your eyes i'd like to stay

[kei17]

Title: 'Cause in Your Eyes I'd Like to Stay
Pairing/s: Baekhyun/Chanyeol, Chanyeol/Luhan, Sehun/Luhan
Rating: R for ridiculous
Genre: Romance, hurt/comfort
Length: Oneshot. 4300~
warning/s: sexual themes, all the awful cliches
Summary: Chanyeol supposes this is inevitable. When two hearts burn with this much passion for each other, how can it not?
an: a very self-indulgent fic so as far as plots go this has none whatsoever. written during two lunch breaks. created just for my feels. i have no excuse for this really orz
THANKS TO ULI and THE BIGGEST BULLY minwhore for looking this over ilu both.



"Your best friend told me he'd kill me if we didn't make him best man."

Luhan's standing by the french windows in the living room of their apartment, staring at nothing, lost in thought, when he feels strong and steady arms wrap around his waist, pulling him against a warm chest. He smiles and turns to find his almost fiance beaming down at him. Chanyeol leans in to give him a chaste peck on the lips.

"Park Chanyeol, you know better than to take Sehun seriously," he says before laying his head against Chanyeol's chest.

"I know. I offered him maid of honor," Chanyeol answers with a chuckle and Luhan can feel the sound against his cheek.

Luhan wants to laugh too but he stops himself. He thinks he has a lot of things he wants to do. He wants to draw Chanyeol's head down for a proper kiss. He wants to hug him more tightly. He wants to tell him he loves him and that he didn't mean for his boyfriend to wait for his answer when Chanyeol asked Luhan to marry him last week.

But he does none of those things. Instead, he does something he certainly doesn't want to do.
He pulls away and looks Chanyeol in the eye. "I really think it's time you talk to him."

Luhan feels Chanyeol stiffen in his arms. Despite his wide eyes, the taller's expression becomes shuttered just like it always does when the subject of Byun Baekhyun comes up. It's the very reason why Luhan is adamant about Chanyeol talking to his ex-boyfriend.

"Why do I need to talk to him? It's been four years. I don't think he has anything to do with me nor I with him." Chanyeol steps away and gives Luhan his back.

Luhan's gaze traces the tense line of Chanyeol's shoulders, the back of his neck up to the top of his head. When they met eleven months ago, his dark hair used to reach his collar and Luhan had loved the way they curled softly around his fingers. But what he loved more was when Chanyeol's fringe gets in the way of his eyes and the tall guy has to blow at it. Luhan mentioned it to him once, three months into their relationship, how he liked that habit of his. Chanyeol got flustered and the next day Luhan was surprised to see his newly cropped hair. Chanyeol hasn't let his hair grow longer than what it is right now.

Luhan had forgotten about the incident. He didn't think it was of importance. But two weeks ago, he remembered and realized it was.

He was helping Chanyeol pack his things for his move into Luhan's apartment, when he found a box of old college textbooks in his boyfriend's things. Luhan became curious when he saw a battered copy of The Little Prince in there. He didn't know his boyfriend read books like that for Chanyeol enjoyed gaming more than anything else. He was absently going through the worn pages when he saw something fall from inside.

It was a polaroid of two teenage boys, faces so close--cheeks squashed together to fit inside the small 3x3 frame. They were both blowing at their bangs; lips quirking at the corners. The picture captured them perfectly, Luhan thought. A young Chanyeol with his eyes looking sideways at the boy next to him, expression arrested between laughter and absolute adoration, and the brunette's doing the same thing. Perfect and heatbreaking.

He didn't notice Chanyeol had entered the room by then. Luhan would have understood if Chanyeol had snatched the photograph away from him, got mad for invading his privacy or laughed at what he looked like when he was younger. But his boyfriend just stood there staring vacantly at the old polaroid. And Luhan was suddenly scared.

Luhan wishes he never saw it but he did.

Chanyeol loved that boy in the photograph. So much that he completely closed Luhan off the first time he asked about Byun Baekhyun. He only found out about the boy's name through the scratchy handwriting at the back of the polaroid.

Park Chanyeol & Byun Baekhyun  - 6

The number could mean anything but he had a feeling it was more than just a carelessly scrawled digit.

Luhan didn't notice at first but Chanyeol became more attentive after that, taking him to candlelit dinners and snatching him from the office for impromptu lunch dates. It was as if he was trying his best to prove something when Luhan wasn't even asking him to.

He wasn't surprised when Chanyeol proposed eight nights ago. They have been working towards that the past few months, even moving in together. However, when before Luhan would have quite eagerly agreed, he found himself asking for Chanyeol to wait. The younger man had been trying to convince him everyday since then but Luhan can't quite say yes.

He knows he is hurting Chanyeol everytime he says not yet, and that he is hurting him now by asking him to see Baekhyun. But he believes that for the two of them to have a future, Chanyeol has to close this part of his past.

"I already told you all there is to know about my relationship with Baekhyun. What more do you want from me?" Chanyeol asks, his voice taut.

Luhan stands beside Chanyeol and holds on to his shoulder. "I know it was hard for you. I--I'm thankful that you told me."

Chanyeol looks down at Luhan's hand and then at his face. The struggle he sees in the taller boy's eyes almost makes him want to just take back his words and snatch Chanyeol in his arms. Almost. But Chanyeol has a wound in his heart that's slowly festering--unknowingly destroying him from the inside--and it needs to be healed so they can have a fighting chance.

"But?" Chanyeol asks warily.

"But more than just a lover, he was your best friend." Luhan says, willing for Chanyeol to understand why he was asking this of him.

"He is neither of those things now. He's not been that for four years." A stubborn look enters the younger man's handsome features.

"Then if he doesn't really mean anything to you, why are you so against seeing him again?" Luhan searches into Chanyeol's eyes. "He meant so much to you."

"Once," Chanyeol concedes in a broken whisper. "Once he meant so much to me, there was a time I thought I'd die without him."

It's a lie to say that the confession doesn't faze Luhan.

"But Luhan, you have to believe me when I say that I love you. Baekhyun--he's not--just," Chanyeol grabs at the shorter boy's hand. "Just believe that I love you."

Luhan cups Chanyeol's cheek. "I know. I never doubted that."

His boyfriend looks relieved. "Thank you."

There's just this part of me that thinks you will always love Baekhyun more. Luhan doesn't say it out loud.

"Chanyeol, I still think you should see Baekhyun. I think you both need to see each other."

Chanyeol sighs deeply, shoulders slumping in defeat. "If I do, if I meet with him... Will you finally say yes?"

"Yes," Luhan moves closer and wraps his thin arms around Chanyeol's neck. "I will."

"Okay," Chanyeol replies. He fingers play with Luhan's blonde hair. "Okay, I'll do it."

Luhan loves this man-boy who charmed him off his converse clad feet the first time they met at a local band's concert. Chanyeol makes him happy. He doesn't want to lose him.

But as they kiss, Luhan clutches at Chanyeol's shirt and savors the feeling of his boyfriend's lips moving against his, for there's a chance this may be one of the very last times he gets to do it.

Chanyeol glances down at the slip of paper he's holding before looking up again at the two story house beyond the narrow silver gate in front of him. According to the address he got from his friend, Jongdae, this is where he lives right now.

It has been three years, ten months, and twenty-two days since he last saw his--since he last saw Byun Baekhyun. He feels an uncomfortable pinch in his chest. Just thinking of Baekhyun's name makes him want to turn back and run as fast as possible, far away from here. He doesn't want to see him and remember all those memories he already buried in the deepest corners of his mind. Remembering hurts.

Thinking of Baekhyun and what he was to Chanyeol hurts.

But Chanyeol knows he has to do it. He promised Luhan. He loves his boyfriend and the older guy already gave him much more than he deserves. Luhan hasn't asked for anything except for him to face his past. It took him a few days but Chanyeol finally scraped up enough courage to do just that. He's now resolved to see this through.

That resolve doesn't stop his hand from shaking, though, as he lifts it to press on the doorbell twice. It's cold outside, the crisp air of late January harsh on his skin. He slips his large hands into the pockets of his black coat and looks around.

It's a peaceful neighborhood. Clean. Vine covered the brick walls lining the streets, leafless and bitter black. There's a sense of warmth even if the place is covered with fresh snow. He has never been there but it's familiar. It's exactly the kind of place he dreamed a thousand times before, a space he'd wanted to share with his little prince.

Chanyeol shakes his head. That dream's long gone.

Luhan's what he should be thinking of right now, he tells himself. He recalls the way his boyfriend kissed him this morning. There was a few seconds of urgency before the kiss slowed down to a light caress until the connection is lost. It almost tastes like a goodbye. But that's impossible. Luhan will be married to him soon.

Chanyeol hears footsteps coming closer. His hands tremble. It's foolish to say he's not afraid. He's terrified to the bones.

"Who is it?" he hears someone call out. No, not someone. Baekhyun.

His voice is still the same. Melodious, sweet. Chanyeol feels his heart slam against his ribs and he panics. The urge to run returns--it never left. He can't do this. He's not ready. He'll never be ready. Chanyeol quickly steps back and turns, already cursing himself for being all kinds of a coward, when the gate opens.

"Who is--Chanyeol?"

He freezes.

"Chanyeol, is it you?"

Chanyeol closes his eyes and steels himself from the onslaught of emotions he is sure to experience once he sets eyes on Baekhyun. He forces his heartbeat to slow, his features to appear impassive, before he turns around.

There he is. Dark brown hair, short legs, fair skin. Beautiful, beautiful mouth. Byun Baekhyun in his thick-rimmed glasses, extra large gray sweater and tight-fitting jeans. Except for the shocked expression, he looks exactly the same as Chanyeol remembered.

"It's me," Chanyeol says, amazed how his voice sounded steady despite the chaotic swirl of nerves attacking his stomach.

Baekhyun blinks, jaw slack as the shorter boy continues to gape at him. Chanyeol's fingers twitch, ready to reach out and slide under Baekhyun's chin, nudge his mouth close, but he stops himself in time. They aren't lovers or friends.

"Can we--talk?" he asks, hands fisting against his sides.

Baekhyun blinks again, finally remembering where they are. He nods his head. "Sure. Come in."

The shorter boy leads him inside his house. Chanyeol guesses he should have expected the mess inside. Every available surface in the living room is covered with stacks and stacks of white writing paper, the floors littered with crumpled balls of the same. He sees Baekhyun trying to pick some up and hastily stuffing them in his pockets. Black ink stains his pretty hands. The scene is so familiar, it's painful.

They're back at their dorm. Floors covered with writing paper; Baekhyun covered with Chanyeol. The heater's never working so they rely on shared body heat. Chanyeol's barely opened accounting books. Baekhyun's dog-eared copy of The Little Prince. The kisses, the million sweet and sticky kisses. The ink stained hands tracing Chanyeol's face. Sweat on skin. Whispers of dreams and dog houses. Moans and muffled I love yous.

Chanyeol looks away. He has no business remembering.

His eyes land on a hardbound book on top of a desk. Castles, the title read. Byun Baekhyun, the author. At least one of them fulfilled their dreams.

"Um, I wasn't expecting you--anybody, I'm sorry everything's a mess." Baekhyun holds his hands up helplessly, looking embarrassed and unsure.

Chanyeol replies with a calm he doesn't feel. "I should be the one apologizing. I didn't mean to barge in like this." He pauses and forces himself to breathe. "You're busy?"

Baekhyun rubs the back of his neck. "I was, yeah, but I needed to take a break anyway." The glasses slide down his nose. Chanyeol clenches his fist.

"You're still writing with a pen."

The older boy smiles deprecatingly. "I am. You know how much technologically-inept I am."

Chanyeol knows. He knows a lot of things about Byun Baekhyun. Like how he hates any form of math and how he loves Percy Bysshe Shelley's poetry. He knows his sensitive spots and the shape of the scar on his left ankle. Except, this isn't about that.

This is about Chanyeol facing his past and starting a future with Luhan. It is.

"I'm engaged," he blurts out. It's a lie. Luhan has yet to say yes. But he will, Chanyeol thinks. He just has to survive this.

Baekhyun's eyes widen, his lips once again open in shock. Chanyeol thinks he hears a faint gasp. He waits for the boy he once loved to distraction to say something. He waits. The ticking of the clock is too loud in the sudden silence between them.

His childhood friend clears his throat, those bright eyes focusing somewhere between Chanyeol's chin and collarbones. Shortly after, Baekhyun smiles and Chanyeol's heart sinks.

"I'm--happy. For you. Really. So happy. Congratulations," he says.

Chanyeol doesn't know exactly what he wants from Baekhyun but he knows it isn't this. Not this bland acceptance of his engagement to someone else. Maybe he wants to see him hurt. Maybe he wants to see him jealous. Chanyeol perhaps wants to see Baekhyun's eyes fill with regret and his lips to tremble with remorse. Anything but this.

"That's it? That's all you can say?" Chanyeol demands.

He catches Baekhyun's shoulders. The shorter boy still doesn't look at him. Chanyeol's grip tightens and he thinks he may leave bruises on Baekhyun's skin. He doesn't know why but he's hurt, incredibly so. And he wants Baekhyun to hurt, too.

"Chanyeol--"

His hold doesn't ease. "I tell you I'm getting married, that I'm with someone else and that's all you can say?" he says with gritted teeth. "I'm in love with someone else, Baekhyun!"

"So what?!" Baekhyun finally shouts. "So you're in love. Then good for you! Now, leave me the hell alone!"

"Fuck you!"

Chanyeol's mouth swoops down to crash against Baekhyun's lips--aiming to hurt, to mark. But that intent dissolves under bone-deep longing. His hands climb from the Baekhyun's shoulders, past his neck, until Chanyeol is cradling his face. He forces the other's mouth open, claiming him with his tongue and teeth and lips. Chanyeol feels Baekhyun lean on to him, his small hands running through Chanyeol's hair and cupping his nape to pull him closer. His kisses spread to Baekhyun's jaw then to the silky skin below his ears.

Baekhyun's cheeks grow damp and Chanyeol tastes salt. It's as good as a bucket of cold water. The daze that clouded his brain disappears and he realizes what he's doing. Chanyeol tears his mouth from Baekhyun's and pushes himself away, breathing, ragged.

He watches Baekhyun cover his kiss swollen lips. He's a mess. His eyes, those eyes that follow him in his dreams, are filled with tears. Baekhyun is still so goddamn beautiful.

"I hate this," Chanyeol says. "I hate you."

A tear escapes and rolls down Baekhyun's cheek. At that moment Chanyeol hates him as much as he hates himself.

"You left me. I loved you but you left me," Chanyeol pauses, the pain in his heart is getting too much to bear. "I told you we could have made it. If you had just believed me, we could have."

Baekhyun doesn't say anything and Chanyeol broke. "I hate you but I'm disgusted with myself! I had to try so damn hard every night. For the past four years, every time I was with someone else, I had stop myself from imagining it was you I'm kissing. It makes me sick that no matter who I'm with, I can only get off when I think of your face when you come under me."

Chanyeol knows he sounded crude but he can't help it. He wants Baekhyun to feel every wound he had caused.

"Do you know how horrified I was when I realized that I can only go out with somebody if they are your height? Never someone taller or shorter, but someone who fits exactly against me just like you did! Their eyes had to crinkle like yours, their smile had to be as dazzling as yours. But they never are," he laughs mockingly at himself. "Do you know how much I hated myself when I found out that I was looking for you in each and every one of them?"

Chanyeol stops and takes a difficult breath. He just wants to cry. He is stupid and cruel. And it's sad because Luhan, more than anyone else, doesn't deserve this--him. He thought he finally found the one he can love but all this time, he was deluding himself. Now he's spoken too much and opened himself up to more pain. He just handed Baekhyun his already damaged heart and a sharp knife to stab it with.

"Well, do you know how much I hate myself for letting you go?"

Chanyeol looks up in surprise.

"I wanted so many times to run after you and ask if you still love me, but I didn't want to seem so weak," Baekhyun says bitterly. "I wasn't one to regret what's already done. But hearing you're doing fine without me made me regret a lot of things."

"What are you saying?" Chanyeol asks weakly.

"Memories of us--They keep breaking my heart over and over again. I don't think it ever healed." Baekhyun takes off his glasses and wipes at his cheeks, but the tears continued to fall. "I've loved you for more than half of my godforsaken life. And even after everything... you were the only one."

Chanyeol supposes this is inevitable. When two hearts burn with this much passion for each other, how can it not?

It's wrong, he thinks even as his lips continue to follow the path to Baekhyun's neck down to his naked chest. It was a blur of open mouthed kisses and discarded clothes before they find themselves in Baekhyun's bed, eagerly closing whatever distance that's separating them. This is wrong, Chanyeol thinks again but he can't make himself stop, not when he hasn't felt this alive in a long time. Three years, ten months, and twenty-two days to be exact.

Baekhyun moans and arches his back when Chanyeol sucks a bruise against his inner thigh. He kisses the abused spot and Baekhyun cards his hand through Chanyeol's hair. His hold tightens almost to the point of pain when Chanyeol takes him into his mouth. He swallows and licks around him, pushing Baekhyun to the edge but not quite letting him topple off.

"Chanyeol."

He glances up and their eyes meet. Both are glazed with heat and lust and that elusive something they weren't able to find anywhere else but in each other. Chanyeol moves up and captures Baekhyun's lips in another soulful kiss while his hands reach lower to open him. It isn't long before Baekhyun is clutching at Chanyeol's forearm, urging him on with an alluring cant of his hips. The shorter boy looks glorious with his hair sticking to his forehead, his lips swollen and his body glistening with a thin layer of sweat.

Chanyeol enters him in one smooth glide and it feels like coming home. There's a burn behind his eyelids. The feeling of being inside him once more is so exquisite, he never wants it to end. He pushes into Baekhyun again and again, holding onto the other's hips and tilting it up so he can press deeper until he can go no further. Baekhyun wraps his legs around his waist and he hits that spot inside Baekhyun, making the elder cry out in pleasure.

"Chanyeol, please."

Chanyeol pushes in harder, faster, Baekhyun's name leaving his lips like a prayer--uttered with reverence. He's getting close and he can feel Baekhyun's near the breaking point as well. Chanyeol slips a hand between them and circles the other's length, pumping it in time with his forceful thrusts. It takes just a few tugs and Baekhyun's spilling into their stomachs, in turn sobbing out Chanyeol's name.

Chanyeol tries to hold his climax at bay because he wants this to last. He never wants to be away from Baekhyun again. He continues to drive inside Baekhyun, trying to make up for the four years of loneliness and despair with every surge of his hips. His eyes are closed tightly, arms straining to hold himself up.

He could've lasted for longer if Baekhyun didn't lay his hand against the side of Chanyeol's face and ran the pad of a thumb across his flushed cheek. Chanyeol looks down and drowns at the twin pools of light staring back at him.

"I love you," Baekhyun sobs against his lips.

With that his control snaps and Chanyeol lets go. One last thrust and he releases inside Baekhyun, burying his face against the crook of his neck; pouring all the love he has to give, entrusting himself in his arms. And perhaps Baekhyun understands because he wraps his arms around Chanyeol and draws him ever closer.

"I never stopped loving you."

They lie on their sides, Chanyeol curved against Baekhyun's back, his arm draped around the smaller's waist. Their legs are tangled with the sheets and Chanyeol listens to Baekhyun's even breathing as he dozes off. He wishes they can spend the rest of their lives together like this. He places a kiss on Baekhyun's nape and the shorter boy stirs. A small smile grazes Chanyeol's lips. Baekhyun has always been sensitive there. Although, his smile falls at the thought of where this will take them.

Feeling him shiver, Baekhyun turns to face Chanyeol. "What is it?"

"I'm scared... Of waking up and finding you gone."

Baekhyun blows at Chanyeol's forehead, the short hair parting to the side. Then he kisses his tears away. "I already know how it feels to lose you and it's something I don't ever want to feel again. We will work this out. We will last forever," he promises fiercely. Chanyeol nods and lets himself believe.

He found his little prince once more and this time he'll make sure that all his dreams will come true.

"Take care, okay?"

The call ends and Luhan can feel the slide of hot tears against the side of his face as he stares at the ceiling of their bedroom. His bedroom now.

He was expecting for this to happen and he prepared himself even before Chanyeol went out the door. But it doesn't make it any less painful. He doesn't know how long he's been lying on his back, mind blank. He doesn't move until he hears muffled footsteps against the apartment's carpeted floors. His arm instinctively moves to cover his tear-drenched eyes. The door to his room creaks open.

"I've been knocking on your door for god knows how long, why was no one answering? Good thing I know where the spare key is."

He feels one side of the bed dip as Sehun jumps on it, jostling Luhan, but his arm remains where it is.

"Sorry," he whispers.

"Hey," Sehun says. Luhan feels a comfortable warmth settle against his side and a bony arm crawls its way under his head while another wounds around his waist. Luhan bites his lips to stop himself from sobbing out loud. He presses him arm more firmly against his closed eyelids.

Sehun doesn't speak at first and just holds him close. His best friend has always known what he needed. Luhan feels the touch of chapped lips on his cheek. "It's okay. I didn't want to be maid of honor anyway."

That startles a soft whimper from Luhan. He wants to laugh but the heartache is too fresh. Not now, not yet.

"You know what? Let's get out of here," Sehun mutters against his hair. "Let me take you away."

"Where?" he croaks, his voice rusty from misuse.

"Just somewhere. We can go to the beach--"

"It's winter."

"Oh, yeah. We can go to the park?"

"It's winter."

Sehun laughs and squeezes Luhan's shoulder. "I don't know. Let's just get away from here."

Luhan thought the tears have stopped but at his friend's words they come rushing to the surface again. He turns and burrows his face against Sehun's chest.

"Let me," Sehun says and Luhan nods.

I'm not okay, Luhan thinks. He hears Sehun's steady heartbeat.

It will take some time but he knows he will be.

-title of the fic is from Katy Perry's Thinking of You
-all the fail ^-^v