Always, No Matter How Many Times [2/2]

[kei17]

"Stop banging your head on the floor, my friend. I won’t pay for it when it gets damaged," the Time Spirit said blandly.

Phoenix, who was lying on his stomach, stopped his self-punishment and looked despairingly at his friend. "How do I fix this?"

"What is it this time?"

"I went all huffy on Soh when he didn’t make a comment on my nest," Phoenix whined, voice muffled as he buried his face in his arms. "I’m too stupid to realize that of course he wouldn’t know what it was for. Now he won’t want to see me nor talk to me."

"Soh? The human boy?" Tao rested his chin on his palm. "So what if he doesn't? There are others--"

Phoenix stopped flailing and his eyes hardened. "There aren't any others."

"I see." Tao studied his friend closer.

The taller spirit rolled over and laid on his back. "Tao, in my previous lives, when I get like... this. What did I do?"

"Honestly, I've never seen you act this way before," the Time Spirit said thoughtfully.

Phoenix sat up. "Not even once?"

Tao nodded. "Never. Usually, you pester me about living too long. You always ask me when the Day of the Red Sun is. You are always so eager to die and be reborn, always eager for a new life. You get tired of things easily. Whenever you hit the last full moon, you just let yourself go, uncaring of what happens around you. You literally gather mold and dust staying in your nest. But now, I see it's different."

Yes, Phoenix thought. He was in a panic because he knew his life was ending but he didn't want to die so soon. If he dies then how would he know? How could he make sure that this thing inside his chest--this thing he felt every time Soh looked at him with those bright eyes was--

"I need more time," Phoenix said and he closed his eyes in misery. "Just a bit more."

In a hushed voice, the Time Spirit spoke. "I watch over Time, but unfortunately I cannot give you what you need."

"I know," Phoenix answered resignedly.

“Even if you think the human wouldn’t want to see you, shouldn’t you be doing something about it? Most of the day has passed. You have so little time as you say--”

The Phoenix wasn’t able to hear the rest of what Tao was saying. He was already out the door on his way to the topmost balcony. There was no time left. Sogogi might not be there waiting for him but he could always just snatch him from the server’s quarters... and perhaps go far away, somewhere where time didn’t exist.

There was no such place but even spirits like him could dream.

The sun was already touching the horizon when he got to the balcony. Phoenix let out a painful breath when he saw that it was empty. The Bathhouse lanterns were by now being lit. Everyone was already awake. Where could he find Soh now?

“You’re late.”

The spirit was pretty sure it was the human’s voice he heard but when he looked, there was no one around.

“You can try looking up.”

Phoenix did. Sogogi. He could only see the boy’s head as the human looked down at him from over the side of the roof. Soh wasn’t smiling - he even looked annoyed - but Phoenix didn’t care. He felt relief course through him. He quickly flew up and settled beside the boy who was hugging his knees to his chest. They were on the flattest part of the roof but the spirit could see why it would still be scary to be here. It was some distance from the ground.

“What are doing you here?” he asked hoarsely.

Soh wasn’t looking at him and was instead observing the skies. Not being able to look into those bright eyes, Phoenix felt deprived. The feeling was completely eclipsed by something else, though, when the shorter boy answered, “I was waiting for you.”

He touched his chest and tried to tell his heart to beat a little bit slower. “I thought the other day you told me you were afraid of heights.”

“I am.“

“And that you absolutely hated the roof because that ugly frog makes you clean the whole of it,” the spirit said questioningly.

“I do.”

“Then why are you here?”

It was then that Soh finally looked him in the eye. He was so close and Phoenix couldn’t breathe.

He had been wrong. Sogogi's face wasn't plain at all. In fact, after a thousand years, it was the most beautiful face he had ever--and will ever see.

“Because I was angry at you when I thought you wouldn’t come. This was the first time that you let me choose which place to go to and I thought you weren’t going to appear. I climbed up here because I knew that even if I shout and yell at you... No one would hear.” Soh let out a quiet laugh.

“And yes, I hate this place. I only have bad memories here on the roof. I almost fell from that side one time when Aniyaku told me to scrub all of these even when it was raining so hard.” He pointed to a spot a few steps away.

Phoenix couldn’t seem to get past the horror of imagining Soh sliding and falling down from the roof. He frowned. “You should’ve just waited on the balcony. What if you fell down? You could’ve--”

“I know you wouldn’t let me fall,” Sogogi answered with a confident smile.

“How do you know?” he asked, quite anxious to hear the answer.

However, the boy just gave him a shrug. “I just know it.”

That doesn’t help one bit, he thought.

“Let’s get out of here,” Phoenix said.

“Not yet. I want to show you why I like this place, too.” The human carefully stood up and held out his hand. Phoenix took it and was led towards the highest part of the roof. “Before you came, this has been the furthest place I have ever gone. And even if I’m scared and lonely, when I’m here, on this part... I feel free.”

“You really want to be free, huh?” he asked even though he already knew the answer.

“Yes. I want to be free. Right now. Right at this instant. This moment. Now, now now!” Sogogi laughed before he sighed wistfully.

Phoenix knew he could give the wish to him right now. Set him free and make him happy. But what of him? There were just five days left. Soh could wait, right? Just five more days. Please.

As if to torture himself more, he asked, “What would be the first thing you’d do if you got free?”

“Truthfully? I’d call for you,” Sogogi said with a grin, those bright, bright eyes turning into crescents.

“I--” I love. I have never felt it. But I am sure. I love.

“Yes, I’d call for you... For free transportation.” The human almost doubled in laughter.

Phoenix frowned and was about to make a comeback--a smart retort ready on his lips--when the young boy slipped and fell. Faster than he had ever been in all his lifetimes, Phoenix swooped down and caught Sogogi against him. In fright, the server boy wrapped his arms tightly around the spirit and whimpered.

“Shhh. I got you.” At least for this moment I got you.

Phoenix flew them back on the roof but this time he placed the still trembling boy on his lap and hugged him securely. “I told you, you should’ve just waited on the balcony.”

“And I told you, you’d catch me.” Soh surprised him when the boy touched his jaw and tilted his face towards him so he could gaze at Phoenix directly. He wanted so much to just stay in that moment. “Don’t let go yet, okay?”

“I won’t.”

He didn’t want to ever let go.

The night sky was quiet. Phoenix knew he should feel guilty for stealing this time and holding onto the boy when he shouldn't. It was selfish but all he felt was joy. He wished that he could have met Soh a thousand years ago so he could have had the time to love him. But Phoenix believed that would still not be enough; he'd need another thousand years--a thousand one thousand years looking into his eyes.

Sogogi shifted on his lap. "I'm sorry. I'm heavy. I should--"

"No. Don't move," he replied unthinkingly. He could see Soh studying him, a wondrous expression on his face. Phoenix didn't want the boy to see the longing that must be etched on his features. It would just make things complicated. So he tried to distract him instead.

"Look," he said as he raised his palm up. He gathered his energy at that point and in a sudden burst of heat and flame, a small ball of fire hovered over his palm. He grinned when the boy exclaimed in fascination.

"Woah," Soh said in awe.

"There's more." He then let the ball hover higher before it exploded into the shape of tiny fireflies. Phoenix saw the human's lips open into an O before he felt a nudge of an elbow against his side.

"Do it again!" Phoenix raised an eyebrow at the demanding tone but he was disarmed completely when Sogogi pouted and gave him a soft "Please?"

The taller male grinned once more. With a flick of his wrist, the fireflies exploded one by one to form tinier fireflies until they surrounded him and Soh with golden light. He heard the boy laugh in glee. Phoenix was about to say something but he forgot what it was when he felt soft lips press against the corner of his mouth.

"Thank you," the human whispered, eyes forever glowing brightly. "I now have good memories here."

He wouldn't have stopped even if he could. Phoenix cradled Sogogi's cheek in his hand and kissed him. He could feel the explosions in his chest as his lips moved repeatedly--urgently over the boy's thin ones. He wanted to get closer and closer, wanted to get under his skin and be one with him so they wouldn't have to part. So Phoenix wouldn't have to give this up.

Soh cupped his jaw and his lips slowed down, gentling the kiss. Phoenix lifted his head and gazed into the boy's eyes, trying to commit into memory this second when he was sure that Sogogi loved him, too. Even if he forgot everything else, he wished that this would at least remain with him.

The boy traced the spirit's lower lip with his thumb almost reverently. "Tomorrow. Let's do this again tomorrow and tomorrow after that and every day and every month and every year and--"

Phoenix halted the painful words with his mouth as he pressed their lips together again. He knew what he had to do soon but for tonight he'd let himself believe of a future with Soh.

He was running and there were endless tears falling down his face. Everywhere was so hot, so bright. Everything, a confusing blur. But he still kept on running.

Don’t go! he called out. Don’t!

He knew that tall, retreating figure that was quickly being enveloped by white and blue flames. Soh was sure that if he could just get to that figure, he’d be able to stop him. He’d be able to keep him.

Stop! Don’t run away from me.

Soh woke up with a sob. “Phoenix.”

He didn’t remember anything from his dream but the feeling of helplessness remained. Sogogi sat up on his quilt. He felt something damp slide down his cheek. He wiped it with a finger and touched it to his lips. Tears?

Baffled, Soh looked around him. The crowded sleeping quarters was still full of snoring frog spirits. The light outside told him it was just a little past noon. In a few minutes, Phoenix would be waiting for him by the balcony. He wondered where they were going to today.

The past few days since their first kiss had been blissful. Instead of going to different places every day, they just stayed and held each other on the rooftop until it was time for Soh to leave for work. Soh wished he didn't have to sleep because that could be time spent with Phoenix instead. Strange how just a few days ago he was complaining about the spirit cutting in on his sleep when now he couldn't wait to be with him.
He recalled their outing on the rooftop last night and he could feel his face heat up from embarrassment and from... Something else. When the tall spirit finally arrived, he felt his heart leap with joy. He had not expected what happened up there but he had no regrets. The kiss--and every touch since then had been glorious.
When he sees him again today, he wants to run to him and pull at that magnificent hair of his until they could stand face to face, when just a small tilt up of his head and he could kiss him endlessly again.

Sogogi! he berated himself. For shame!

Although, in the end, he just laughed at how foolish he was being. Soh stretched his arms upward and that was when he saw the red and crimson feather fall slowly from above. He looked up but there was nothing there. Curious, he picked it up. Somehow he expected something to happen when he touched the contours of the feathers. But nothing felt different. However, the feather was pretty and strangely, he couldn’t let it go so Sogogi just kept it inside his kimono and went out to meet the Phoenix Spirit.

He didn’t know what to think, though, when the spirit didn’t come that day. He waited until the sun had already laid down to rest and the moon had risen to take its place. Still there was no sight of flame-colored hair and teasing lips. Something was wrong.

It was presumptuous of him to be standing outside the doors of the Lotus Room, asking for an audience with the Time Spirit, but he didn’t know what else to do or who else to ask. Nobody had seen Phoenix anywhere. Soh had asked Chenchen--who knew all the twists and turns inside the Bathhouse like the back of his hand-- if he could help him find the spirit but his friend wasn’t able to get even a small glimpse of the Phoenix.

All signs said that he was gone but Phoenix would never leave without saying goodbye. It was impossible. Soh just couldn’t believe that.

He felt a sense of deja vu when he heard a firm voice say Enter! and the doors opened to let him in. Except this time there was only one occupant in the room and Soh felt a strong urge to fold into himself and cry.

“You wanted to see me?” the raven-haired spirit asked him as soon as the doors closed.

"I wanted to see Phoenix.”

Tao’s lips curved into a half-smile. “Well, he’s not here.”

“I am aware of that, Master Tao. I came here to ask if you knew where he is,” Soh replied seriously.

“Please sit down... Sogogi, isn’t it?” the Time Spirit motioned towards the other end of the low tea table.

“Yes. Thank you but I just needed to know where Phoenix is then I’ll be on my way and--”

“Sit down, human,” the spirit said sharply.

Soh stiffened but eventually complied.

“Patience, human boy. You must learn patience.”

Soh looked directly into the Time Spirit’s dark eyes before answering. “I am human. I am not immortal. My life... it will end. I apologize but I don’t have the time be patient.”

To his surprise, Tao laughed. “You don’t need me.” At his confused expression, the spirit continued. “Phoenix told me to stay here and look after you.”

His brows knotted. “Why? Where did he go?”

Instead of answering, the spirit asked, “Tomorrow’s the Day of the Red Sun. Do you know what that means?”

He has heard of it before. Soh tried to search his brain for what he knew about that day. “It comes... Every one thousand years. I have never seen it but the myth says that on that day the skies turn red because there is going to be death and the blood will cover the Realm. That’s all I know.”

Tao nodded. “Does the myth say who dies?”

Sogogi suddenly felt cold. “I don’t... know.”

“The Sun God created a creature to guard over the other spirits of the Realm during the Wars. He made this spirit so strong, he was said to possess the power of a thousand suns and a lifetime of a thousand years. The Sun God was very fond of this spirit because he had helped him with numerous victories. So he mourns every time the spirit must die and paint the skies the color of blood before the sun rises a bright gold the day after. This signals that a new Phoenix has risen from its ashes." The Time Spirit tilted his head and waited for the boy's reaction.

"Phoenix... He's going to die tomorrow?" Soh said weakly. He was shaking and feeling sick to his stomach as he stared at Tao. "But it's alright. It's alright because you said he'd live once more."

There was a pitying look in the Time Spirit's eyes that Sogogi didn't want to see. "He won’t know you. He won’t be the same Phoenix."

Something struck his chest, strong and sharp, and Soh could barely breathe. "It's okay," he said more to himself. "It's alright as long as he lives and I can see him again."

"He will live," Tao said.

But you can't see him again. Soh could see the unspoken words in the Time Spirit's sad smile.

Why? Why couldn't he see him again? He couldn't understand. He glanced at his clenched fists on his lap. More importantly, if he knew he was leaving, why didn't Phoenix even say goodbye? The back of his eyes burned. How could you?

"Do you have the feather?"

Sogogi abruptly looked up. The feather. He lifted a hand and felt it secure inside his kimono.

"He gave you his last feather. Phoenix heard the plea of your heart. He told me your greatest wish was to be free. Tomorrow, you will be."

"Where is he?" Soh asked, voice trembling with emotion.

"He's preparing for his final day."

"Where?" he persisted.

"Why do you need to see him?" The Time Spirit studied his face.

"So I can tell him he got everything wrong." Tao remained quiet. Soh stood up. "If you won't tell me, I'll find him myself." He bowed and turned to leave.

"Human, it will change nothing."

Sogogi heard him but he went on walking until he was outside on the topmost balcony where nobody could see how scared he really was. He didn't know where Phoenix was and it was nearing sunset.

He'll forget about me. He will forget.

Soh couldn't help it, loud sobs wracked his small body. "I'd always remember while you... you'd forget," he cried.

He had to see him. Because what if the Time Spirit was wrong? What if he could change things? He... He loved Phoenix too much not to try. He loved him. He had never felt freer in his life than when he was with him. So he needn't escape here, he just needed Phoenix by his side and he wouldn't ask for more.

He still had the feather. It had to count for something, right? He took it out and touched it's softness to his lips and he smiled sadly when he recalled the way Phoenix protested from being called a bird even if he has a nest--

His eyes widened as it finally clicked into place. The nest! That was why Phoenix built it. Soh wasn't completely sure but he had to see. He ran to find Chenchen. Only his friend could help him.

Dodging the other workers, Soh looked for the mouse spirit. He finally found his friend taking down towels from a closet. "Chenchen!"

"Hey, Soh! Where have you been? Aniyaku has been looking for you. You'll definitely get it when he sees you!" his friend said worriedly.

"I don't care. I need your help," he said before he pulled Chenchen towards a corner. "I need to go somewhere."

"But where? We have work to do. We're preparing for a large celebration. It's going to be the Time Spirit's last night with--"

Soh held on to Chenchen's wrist. "Chenchen, listen to me. I have to go to see Phoenix. I need to see him, please. Tell me how I can get away from here."

His friend must have sensed his urgency because he gave in. "Okay, Soh. Go to the gardens and walk until you find the edge. On your right you will see a small white gate that opens to a set of steps going down. Take them, but be careful because the rocks are slippery there. At the bottom you will see a small cave where a tub boat is located. You could use that to paddle towards the train station. You know where that is, right?"

Yes, he could see it from the Bathhouse's rooftop. He nodded.

"You don't have a ticket but maybe if you could give them this, they'd let you in." Chenchen handed him three gold nuggets. "Don't worry I got that from a generous customer. You have to go now or Aniyaku may find you."

"Thank you!" Soh drew him into a tight hug. "Thank you so much."

"Will you be back?" Chenchen whispered against his shoulder.

He wanted to say yes but he wasn't sure. "I don't know," he said and hugged Chenchen tighter.

"I will miss you, Soh." With a last squeeze, the mouse spirit let go. "Now go!"

Sogogi did just as he was instructed. He had to walk fast and bend low so the other workers wouldn't see him. It was relatively easy getting out of the Bathhouse. However, he had a scare when he got to the garden, though. He heard Aniyaku calling out for him and he had to quickly hide under a rose bush to not be seen. From then on he crawled on the ground to get to the white gate.

Soh winced when the gate gave out a low whine as he pushed it open. He quickly got out and bent down again, barely missing a lady server who Aniyaku ordered to look for him. The boy ran down the steps. It was slippery but he couldn't afford to slow down. He prayed to all the gods in the Realm that he wouldn't be too late.

He reached the bottom step and didn't waste time before he swam towards the cave where the tub boat was waiting. His arms were already shaking with the effort of paddling and the weight of exhaustion but he still forged on. He could already see the lights of the train station. Just a few more, Sogogi.

It wasn't until he was inside the train carriage that he was able to breathe. The sky was already so dark. He looked out the window. The Bathhouse appeared smaller and smaller as the train ate up the distance.

He had to find Phoenix soon. He couldn't sit still. I'll find him in time. I will.

Soh didn't know how many hours have passed with him sticking his head out the window and watching the scenery change. The island had to be near here somewhere. It was the first one east of the Bathhouse, he remembered.

After a few moments, he saw a familiar formation of trees. His heart thudded fast. There!

He ran towards the doors and couldn't even wait for the train to fully stop before jumping off. Soh had to walk through thigh-deep sea water to get there, which slowed his progress but he didn't pay heed to it, eager as he was.

He felt it. Phoenix was near. He was within reach.

He broke into a run when he got to the beach. He was forced to grind to a halt, though, when he reached the edge of the clearing where the nest was. It was so hot. He was instantly sweating and the heat hurt his eyes. His vision blurred but he could make out the shape of large bonfires circling the nest.

"Phoenix!" he called out. There was no response. "Phoenix!"

He came closer and had to close his eyes completely against the wave of heat that assaulted him. "Where are you? Phoenix!"

The sweltering heat subsided abruptly as the fires started to burn low. Soh tentatively opened his eyes. He had to blink a few times before he could see the outline of the nest. A few moments more and the smoke began to clear. In the middle of it was a tall, half-naked figure alight with white-blue flame. Soh advanced towards it. "Phoenix?"

"Sogogi?" The flame around the figure disappeared and it was indeed the Phoenix Spirit.

With a cry of relief, Soh climbed into the nest and ran towards the spirit. Without another word, the boy wrapped his arms around Pheonix’s waist and sobbed uncontrollably against his broad chest.

"Don't. You'll get burned." Phoenix said, arms remaining at his sides.

Sogogi just shook his head and clutched Phoenix closer to him.

"What are you doing here, Soh? You shouldn't be here."

"Hug me back," Soh said fiercely. "It's the least you can do for leaving without saying goodbye. Hug me back." He didn’t ease his hold on Phoenix even after he felt the spirit's arms go around him.

"Soh," Phoenix murmured against his hair. "You have to leave."

"No. I'm staying. I'll stay until the last second that you know me. You took my heart so please give me that." He was crying in earnest now. "Phoenix, can we not use the feather? It's for a wish, right? What if I wish for you not to die? Or for you not to forget? For you to recognize me when you're reborn? There's a way to do that, right?"

The boy could hear the taller male take a shaky breath. "You can't. That feather was already told what to do. Do you remember that day? When I listened to your heart and found out what you wished for?" Phoenix leaned down and against his ear said, "Everything is going to be alright. Tomorrow, Soh, you will have no memory of this. You will be free."

"No. No!" Sogogi stepped back and tried to pull the spirit's head towards his chest. "Hear it. Please."

Phoenix shook his head and just drew Soh back into his arms.

"Hear it. It's you," Soh cried helplessly. "It's you."

Phoenix took hold of his chin and tilted his face up to his. "Mine says your name, too."

And then couldn't stop himself any longer. He snatched Soh closer and captured his mouth with his. Their lips moved with hungry desperation, both knowing too well that this wouldn't last. Soh felt a fresh surge of tears when Phoenix trailed lingering kisses across his face. He kissed as if he wanted to memorize every inch of his face but it was no use. Phoenix would still forget.

"I will die and be resurrected. I will forget you, Soh, but I'm sure... I may love again but it will never be like this. There will never be another you." Phoenix wiped at a tear that slid down the human's cheek.

Then Soh felt they were floating and they were getting further and further from the island. "Where are we going?" he whispered brokenly.

Phoenix didn't answer and just held him. The sky was lightening to a crimson hue and Soh was filled with despair. They arrived on a familiar looking place where Phoenix let go and set the boy down. Sogogi looked around. "I--I know this place."

It was the land he came from before Yubaba found him on the beach and took him to the Bathhouse. From a distance was a sprawling structure made of red bricks surrounded by tall grass and numerous trees. Phoenix held onto his shoulder and turned him around so that his back was pressing against the spirit's chest. Phoenix leaned down and kissed his cheek. "See that tower? Go there."

Sogogi held on to the spirit's hand and wrapped it around his waist. "I don't want to."

"When you get to it, enter the tunnel. At the end... There you'll find what you have always wanted."

"Will you be there?" His hold on Phoenix tightened because he knew it was the end.

"I love you," Phoenix whispered into his ear.

"I love you," he cried, heart breaking. "I love--"

"Run, little one. Don't look back."

Then all Soh was holding onto was air. "No!"

He was dying inside but he ran. He ran and didn't look back. Phoenix said he would find what he wanted at the end of the tunnel. Sogogi was still holding onto the chance that maybe it was a trick, or a test and Phoenix would be there at the end.

His knees and feet hurt but he still ran. He slowed down a bit as he reached the tunnel. It was dark, surrounded by overgrown plants. Sogogi breathed deeply and went inside. Wishing. Hoping.

He reached the end and the sudden brightness made him close his eyes.

“Baekhyun!"

Baekhyun? Byun Baekhyun. That's... me.

He opened his eyes and he was enveloped into a warm embrace by a tall man with short dark hair. "Chanyeol?"

"God, Baek, I've been so worried about you. You said you'd just look at something but you've been gone for three hours! Where have you been?"

Where have I been? He didn’t remember. All he knew was that he was running towards the end of the tunnel. "I'm not sure."

Chanyeol poked him on his forehead before hugging him again. Baekhyun felt something dig into his chest but wasn't able to think about it more because Chanyeol was reprimanding him again. "That's why I told you to stay with me. I looked everywhere for you, dummy. Don't scare me like that again, okay?"

Baekhyun nodded. He felt a kiss against his temple. "Let's go home, Baek."

Home. Yes, he felt at home.

"Okay."

END.