Pointers
Another one of my silly ideas. In this one, Oghren is fresh out of Orzammar and very drunk. He decides that the sexually inexperienced Warden needs some "tips."
Warnings: Depends on your definition of NSFW. There's attempted sex going on, but it's more implied than explicit.
---------------
Leliana's knowing wink, Alistair's sudden blushing, and Wynne's disgusted glare as Keiran practically dragged Zevran into the trees near their camp was all the proof he needed that their companions knew what he and Zevran were about to get up to and would leave them alone.
Keiran was relieved to finally be away from Ozrammar, with its political backstabbing and oppressive caste system, and he never wanted to see the claustrophobic underground hell that was the Deep Roads ever again. There wasn't enough air, the walls felt like they were closing in on him, the nightmares were ten times worse, and neither he nor Alistair had gotten much sleep during the weeks they were down there... They'd lost track of how many times one of the Wardens had fallen asleep on their feet.
They had finally gotten out of the Frostback Mountains earlier today, and Keiran had jumped at the chance to walk among the trees again. Plus, this way they could have some privacy for once.
“I must say, you seem much more confident now,” said Zevran playfully as they strode deeper into the forest.
“Are you complaining?”
“Of course not. Not that your awkward shyness wasn't somewhat endearing, but this is much more in line with the rest of your personality. I approve.”
“And the fact that you are about to be on the receiving end of my... confidence has nothing to do with that approval, I'm sure,” Keiran said in what he hoped was a seductive tone.
“Oh? Is that an attempt at innuendo I hear?” Zevran replied with obvious amusement. “My, my, you're learn-” Keiran stopped him with a sudden kiss and pushed Zevran against a nearby tree. He was briefly worried that he'd been a little too rough, but was emboldened by Zevran's pleased hum as they deepened the kiss.
It had been far too long since they'd done this. There was no privacy in the Deep Roads, and they'd all been so exhausted when they finally made it back to Orzammar that they were far more interested in sleeping. But now that they had the time, Keiran was in no mood for anything long and drawn out; he knew exactly what he wanted: to ravish Zevran for once. He swiftly tucked the flaps of Zevran's armor out of the way and pulled the other elf's pants down.
“What's this?” Zevran teased. “No dinner or flowers? No poetry? You spoil me.”
Keiran said nothing. He just knelt down in front of the other elf and started licking and teasing the already half-hard flesh in front of him. He had barely gotten started when he heard giggling in the bushes nearby.
Apparently, a certain dwarf hadn't gotten the hint. Keiran wondered how he hadn't heard Oghren following them; the dwarf breathed so loudly he could have shot him in the dark. Keiran ignored him; he wasn't keen on the idea of having an audience, but he wanted this too badly to care very much. And given that Oghren had been awkward around the two elves upon being told that he and Zevran were lovers, Keiran figured the dwarf would balk and run off once things heated up.
“Warden, your technique is terrible! Branka gave better head than that!”
Or perhaps not. Keiran sighed as well as he could, given where his mouth currently was.
“Ignore him, my dear Grey Warden. I think you are doing an excellent job.” Zevran moaned and writhed against the tree he was leaning on as Keiran sucked on him. The assassin wasn't usually so vocal, unless they were trying to annoy Wynne, and Keiran wondered if was because of the audience.
“Now now, there's no need to play it up, elf,” said Oghren helpfully. “He sucks and you know it... heh heh...”
Keiran rolled his eyes at the poor joke as he pulled off his gloves and put his hands to work as well. The part of him that was still awkward and insecure was worried that he really was that terrible at this, but he reminded himself that it didn't matter what Oghren thought. If Zevran said he liked it, then he should take the other elf at his word. And from the noises coming from Zevran, he was greatly enjoying himself.
Cheered up by Zevran's reactions, Keiran tried to ignore Oghren, but it was difficult to stay in the mood with the dwarf constantly giggling and shouting more unwanted 'advice.'
“Use more tongue!”
“You're not gripping hard enough! You're a warrior. Use that strength, and put those hands to work!” Keiran complied by making a very rude gesture with both hands. Unfortunately, this only made Oghren laugh more.
Oghren sighed dramatically several minutes later. “Such terrible work. What a shame, I almost feel sorry for him.”
Keiran had had enough. He pulled away from Zevran and rocked back on his heels, then glared straight at the bushes where he knew Oghren was hiding. “Somehow, I think you're even more of an novice than I am from this end. I'd like to see you do better!”
“I wouldn't,” Zevran deadpanned. “The smell might rub off.”
“Are you flirting with me, Warden? I'm not into you wimpy elves... or men,” he slurred almost as an afterthought.
“Wimpy? I'm probably stronger than you!”
“Pay him no mind. He is more drunk than usual,” whispered Zevran.
“You're still an elf,” said Oghren. “That makes you a wimp!”
Keiran decided it was pointless to argue with the drunk, and went for a different approach instead. “If elves disgust you so much then why are you watching?”
“Because the redhead told me you were a virgin" - and he said this word with obvious distaste - "before you started up with the elf. I figured you could use some pointers from good 'ol Oghren. I've been around the block once or twice you know,” he said proudly.
“Pointers on what exactly?” asked Zevran. “How to disrupt a private moment? Or perhaps how to be an annoying drunk?”
“Now you listen here, elf. I'm trying to do you a favor. I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of a novice's work. Stone knows Branka never figured it out... But there was this one lady from the Warrior Caste... heh heh heh...”
Oghren then launched into a rather... detailed description of his exploits with said Warrior Caste lady, which seemed to also involve an... unusual use for a nug. The unwelcome mental images this conjured up completely killed any desire Keiran had left. He looked up at Zevran, who seemed to be just as disgusted.
So much for his plans to have his way with Zevran for once. “Well,” he said with fake amusement, “It looks like this isn't going to happen tonight.”
Zevran waved a hand dismissively. “Do not concern yourself over it. I suggest we put your tent next to his tomorrow and be loud on purpose.”
Keiran smirked. “Would that be what Wynne considers loud or actually loud?”
“Actually loud, of course,” Zevran replied with a sly grin.
“Then I think that's an excellent plan.”
Keiran stood and after Zevran pulled up his pants, they started walking back to camp, trying their best to block out Oghren's disturbing tale. He was not at all surprised when Oghren came crashing through the trees after them. “Aww, what's wrong Warden? Did I embarrass you?” he teased.
“Hardly.” And it was true. He was frustrated and annoyed (and disgusted by the tale), but not embarrassed in the slightest.
“Then why are you in such a rush to get back to camp?”
“Oh, no reason,” Keiran said lightly. “I was just thinking that I was going to dump out all your ale.”
Oghren stopped dead in his tracks. “You... you wouldn't!” he gasped in horror.
“Yes, I would,” Keiran called over his shoulder. “You ruined my evening, so it's only fair I ruin yours, right?”
He and Zevran walked on, ignoring Oghren's pleas for his precious ale. Keiran ignored the questioning looks from the others when they arrived back at camp and went straight for Oghren's pack.
“You're back rather quickly,” said Leliana as Keiran passed her. “Did something happen?”
“Oghren happened,” Keiran replied as he opened the dwarf's pack, and he was immediately sorry he did. He thought Oghren himself smelled bad, but this made the dwarf smell like flowers by comparison. He grabbed a flask and quickly stepped away from the putrid-smelling pack, turning around just as Oghren reached the campfire.
Oghren's eyes grew wide when he saw the flask in Keiran's hand. “Please Warden, don't dump out my ale! I'm sorry!” he begged.
Keiran fixed him with his piercing, intimidating stare, the one that Alistair called his 'Warden look.' “Do you promise that you won't spy on us? Or give out any more unwanted advice?” When Oghren hesitated he opened the flask and tilted it so that a trickle of liquid flowed out.
“Yes, Warden! I promise!” shouted Oghren as soon as the first drops hit the ground.
“And stop calling me Warden. I have a name,” he said sternly.
“Yes Warden! um... Keiran.”
“Good.” He gave the flask back to Oghren as he passed him and sat down near Alistair on the other side of the campfire. He noticed that Sten was looking approvingly at him, and even Morrigan seemed impressed. Leliana was clearly trying not to laugh.
“You weren't really doing to dump out all his ale, were you?” Zevran breathed into Keiran's ear as he slid in next to him.
“Only if I had to,” he whispered. “But I had a feeling the threat of it would make him behave.”
Zevran chuckled quietly, so Oghren couldn't hear. “You are so devious sometimes. It drives me mad with desire,” he said as he ran his fingers up the inside of Keiran's thigh.
Keiran swatted at his hand. “Don't talk like that right now. I'm still trying to get the image of naked Oghren and a nug out of my head.” He groaned and tried to will the unwelcome sight away.
"The image of what?" Alistair said, horrified. He grabbed his head and groaned as well. "Now you've got me seeing it!"
That was when Keiran decided he needed to try very hard to sober Oghren up...
Warnings: Depends on your definition of NSFW. There's attempted sex going on, but it's more implied than explicit.
---------------
Leliana's knowing wink, Alistair's sudden blushing, and Wynne's disgusted glare as Keiran practically dragged Zevran into the trees near their camp was all the proof he needed that their companions knew what he and Zevran were about to get up to and would leave them alone.
Keiran was relieved to finally be away from Ozrammar, with its political backstabbing and oppressive caste system, and he never wanted to see the claustrophobic underground hell that was the Deep Roads ever again. There wasn't enough air, the walls felt like they were closing in on him, the nightmares were ten times worse, and neither he nor Alistair had gotten much sleep during the weeks they were down there... They'd lost track of how many times one of the Wardens had fallen asleep on their feet.
They had finally gotten out of the Frostback Mountains earlier today, and Keiran had jumped at the chance to walk among the trees again. Plus, this way they could have some privacy for once.
“I must say, you seem much more confident now,” said Zevran playfully as they strode deeper into the forest.
“Are you complaining?”
“Of course not. Not that your awkward shyness wasn't somewhat endearing, but this is much more in line with the rest of your personality. I approve.”
“And the fact that you are about to be on the receiving end of my... confidence has nothing to do with that approval, I'm sure,” Keiran said in what he hoped was a seductive tone.
“Oh? Is that an attempt at innuendo I hear?” Zevran replied with obvious amusement. “My, my, you're learn-” Keiran stopped him with a sudden kiss and pushed Zevran against a nearby tree. He was briefly worried that he'd been a little too rough, but was emboldened by Zevran's pleased hum as they deepened the kiss.
It had been far too long since they'd done this. There was no privacy in the Deep Roads, and they'd all been so exhausted when they finally made it back to Orzammar that they were far more interested in sleeping. But now that they had the time, Keiran was in no mood for anything long and drawn out; he knew exactly what he wanted: to ravish Zevran for once. He swiftly tucked the flaps of Zevran's armor out of the way and pulled the other elf's pants down.
“What's this?” Zevran teased. “No dinner or flowers? No poetry? You spoil me.”
Keiran said nothing. He just knelt down in front of the other elf and started licking and teasing the already half-hard flesh in front of him. He had barely gotten started when he heard giggling in the bushes nearby.
Apparently, a certain dwarf hadn't gotten the hint. Keiran wondered how he hadn't heard Oghren following them; the dwarf breathed so loudly he could have shot him in the dark. Keiran ignored him; he wasn't keen on the idea of having an audience, but he wanted this too badly to care very much. And given that Oghren had been awkward around the two elves upon being told that he and Zevran were lovers, Keiran figured the dwarf would balk and run off once things heated up.
“Warden, your technique is terrible! Branka gave better head than that!”
Or perhaps not. Keiran sighed as well as he could, given where his mouth currently was.
“Ignore him, my dear Grey Warden. I think you are doing an excellent job.” Zevran moaned and writhed against the tree he was leaning on as Keiran sucked on him. The assassin wasn't usually so vocal, unless they were trying to annoy Wynne, and Keiran wondered if was because of the audience.
“Now now, there's no need to play it up, elf,” said Oghren helpfully. “He sucks and you know it... heh heh...”
Keiran rolled his eyes at the poor joke as he pulled off his gloves and put his hands to work as well. The part of him that was still awkward and insecure was worried that he really was that terrible at this, but he reminded himself that it didn't matter what Oghren thought. If Zevran said he liked it, then he should take the other elf at his word. And from the noises coming from Zevran, he was greatly enjoying himself.
Cheered up by Zevran's reactions, Keiran tried to ignore Oghren, but it was difficult to stay in the mood with the dwarf constantly giggling and shouting more unwanted 'advice.'
“Use more tongue!”
“You're not gripping hard enough! You're a warrior. Use that strength, and put those hands to work!” Keiran complied by making a very rude gesture with both hands. Unfortunately, this only made Oghren laugh more.
Oghren sighed dramatically several minutes later. “Such terrible work. What a shame, I almost feel sorry for him.”
Keiran had had enough. He pulled away from Zevran and rocked back on his heels, then glared straight at the bushes where he knew Oghren was hiding. “Somehow, I think you're even more of an novice than I am from this end. I'd like to see you do better!”
“I wouldn't,” Zevran deadpanned. “The smell might rub off.”
“Are you flirting with me, Warden? I'm not into you wimpy elves... or men,” he slurred almost as an afterthought.
“Wimpy? I'm probably stronger than you!”
“Pay him no mind. He is more drunk than usual,” whispered Zevran.
“You're still an elf,” said Oghren. “That makes you a wimp!”
Keiran decided it was pointless to argue with the drunk, and went for a different approach instead. “If elves disgust you so much then why are you watching?”
“Because the redhead told me you were a virgin" - and he said this word with obvious distaste - "before you started up with the elf. I figured you could use some pointers from good 'ol Oghren. I've been around the block once or twice you know,” he said proudly.
“Pointers on what exactly?” asked Zevran. “How to disrupt a private moment? Or perhaps how to be an annoying drunk?”
“Now you listen here, elf. I'm trying to do you a favor. I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of a novice's work. Stone knows Branka never figured it out... But there was this one lady from the Warrior Caste... heh heh heh...”
Oghren then launched into a rather... detailed description of his exploits with said Warrior Caste lady, which seemed to also involve an... unusual use for a nug. The unwelcome mental images this conjured up completely killed any desire Keiran had left. He looked up at Zevran, who seemed to be just as disgusted.
So much for his plans to have his way with Zevran for once. “Well,” he said with fake amusement, “It looks like this isn't going to happen tonight.”
Zevran waved a hand dismissively. “Do not concern yourself over it. I suggest we put your tent next to his tomorrow and be loud on purpose.”
Keiran smirked. “Would that be what Wynne considers loud or actually loud?”
“Actually loud, of course,” Zevran replied with a sly grin.
“Then I think that's an excellent plan.”
Keiran stood and after Zevran pulled up his pants, they started walking back to camp, trying their best to block out Oghren's disturbing tale. He was not at all surprised when Oghren came crashing through the trees after them. “Aww, what's wrong Warden? Did I embarrass you?” he teased.
“Hardly.” And it was true. He was frustrated and annoyed (and disgusted by the tale), but not embarrassed in the slightest.
“Then why are you in such a rush to get back to camp?”
“Oh, no reason,” Keiran said lightly. “I was just thinking that I was going to dump out all your ale.”
Oghren stopped dead in his tracks. “You... you wouldn't!” he gasped in horror.
“Yes, I would,” Keiran called over his shoulder. “You ruined my evening, so it's only fair I ruin yours, right?”
He and Zevran walked on, ignoring Oghren's pleas for his precious ale. Keiran ignored the questioning looks from the others when they arrived back at camp and went straight for Oghren's pack.
“You're back rather quickly,” said Leliana as Keiran passed her. “Did something happen?”
“Oghren happened,” Keiran replied as he opened the dwarf's pack, and he was immediately sorry he did. He thought Oghren himself smelled bad, but this made the dwarf smell like flowers by comparison. He grabbed a flask and quickly stepped away from the putrid-smelling pack, turning around just as Oghren reached the campfire.
Oghren's eyes grew wide when he saw the flask in Keiran's hand. “Please Warden, don't dump out my ale! I'm sorry!” he begged.
Keiran fixed him with his piercing, intimidating stare, the one that Alistair called his 'Warden look.' “Do you promise that you won't spy on us? Or give out any more unwanted advice?” When Oghren hesitated he opened the flask and tilted it so that a trickle of liquid flowed out.
“Yes, Warden! I promise!” shouted Oghren as soon as the first drops hit the ground.
“And stop calling me Warden. I have a name,” he said sternly.
“Yes Warden! um... Keiran.”
“Good.” He gave the flask back to Oghren as he passed him and sat down near Alistair on the other side of the campfire. He noticed that Sten was looking approvingly at him, and even Morrigan seemed impressed. Leliana was clearly trying not to laugh.
“You weren't really doing to dump out all his ale, were you?” Zevran breathed into Keiran's ear as he slid in next to him.
“Only if I had to,” he whispered. “But I had a feeling the threat of it would make him behave.”
Zevran chuckled quietly, so Oghren couldn't hear. “You are so devious sometimes. It drives me mad with desire,” he said as he ran his fingers up the inside of Keiran's thigh.
Keiran swatted at his hand. “Don't talk like that right now. I'm still trying to get the image of naked Oghren and a nug out of my head.” He groaned and tried to will the unwelcome sight away.
"The image of what?" Alistair said, horrified. He grabbed his head and groaned as well. "Now you've got me seeing it!"
That was when Keiran decided he needed to try very hard to sober Oghren up...