Updated Chapter of Sometimes...
23rd December 2004
5:30 pm
You got what you deserved
I hope you're happy now
Because everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me Inside.
Now I dread each day knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness of living without you
The cool breeze swirls around the streets like a shivering sadness in search of warmth. As I walk along the pavement leaving behind the sky painted with a grey dreariness, my feet crack on the ice and frost that has sheathed the ground. It’s one of those days where you just wish that snow will flutter down in spirals, laying in a thick, soft powder of purity. You want to feel the sting of snowflakes as they rest on naked skin and melt into the pores, leaving you somewhat refreshed. Instead, you have horrible weather that can’t decide whether to rain or snow, so sticks somewhere in the middle, meaning you are left with slushy sleet that spits slowly from the heavens and drenches you within seconds.
Clutching a bag in an icy grasp, I dig my other hand deep in my pocket and snuggle my nose into Jamie’s scarf. My pace is a fast one as I have the funny feeling that someone is following me. Suspicions are only made clearer when I hear the snap of a camera now and again. I know I should have taken the car, but as the journey to Orlando’s and Kate’s is only a 20 minute walk I decided to risk it by foot. Oh how wrong I was. With the photographer and the weather what could have been a worse decision? Coming to drop off Kate’s clothes would be a close one actually. I could have made Jamie do it. Correction: I should have made Jamie do it. It makes me believe that my mind is wondering away from the practicalities of life and focusing particularly on one major problem. Or should I say person? Yes, that’s it. One major person.
As I turn into their road that familiar feeling of uneasiness screams through my veins like a sheer knife stabbing at my heart. I don’t want to be here but something seems to be calling me. Beckoning me. To him. Only him. And I don’t want to. Not really. But my heart does and I can’t help what the most honest part of my body desires. I can’t help that I still feel his soft lips where they brushed over my forehead. I’m craving for more. Craving because I know what it feels to have his mouth pressed against mine. Know what it does to me when his body hovers over me, dark ravishing curls loosely falling over his face as he gazes down with mocha eyes. I want to be close to him. Just like I did a year ago. But I must refrain and live with just seeing him.
Now, i’m standing outside his door before I have time to think. Before I decide this is a bad idea and I shouldn’t have come. I am aware I should just not be here. Infact, I never should have met him in the first place. Never should have let myself become friends with him a year ago. Let him approach me on the beach and comfort me in a time of need. I could have got through on my own. I could have done. But I had wanted him and that made it all so much worse. I never would be in the mess I am in now if I hadn’t met him would I? Living off his last touch and memories that never fulfill my needs? Or maybe I would. Maybe it’s my destiny to be like this. Maybe fates path led me down this route. The trail that has me broken. Lost. And I shouldn’t be. I should know what to do. And I do in some respects and don’t in others. I understand what I owe to the man I cheated on. The man I love. The Jamie that makes me happy. And he really does. I can never ask for more then he gives me. I don’t need to. It’s perfect with him. I’m at ease. My lovely Jamie. My oh so lovely Jamie that is always there for me in an instance if I ask for it. So why must the past drag me to other distractions that I thought I had left behind me?
Finally shaking my head to loose thoughts, I reluctantly ring the doorbell, thinking to myself that I do not belong here. And I won’t linger. I owe Jamie that much. I’ve already betrayed him enough.
‘Sam is that you?’ A voice yells at the sound of the doorbell. ‘Come on in, the door’s open!’
I snap out of my wonderings at the sudden call. His voice has my heart racing and head pounding so viciously I feel like it might explode. My breath catches in my throat but I force myself to calm down and get my lungs back working in an orderly manner. I dither about only for a few seconds as I contemplate what to do before pushing open the door and stepping inside. Still holding onto the bag I take a good look around as I shut the door securely behind me.
I never really observed their appartment before. It’s beautifully furnished but I can tell they have not been here long enough to unpack some remaining boxes that lay scattered about on the floor. A few photographs stand on the table by the phone but I do not dare to look them. I refuse to let myself wallow in the sorrow of them being happy together and having it captured in an image. And it is selfish. I know it is because I have that happiness with Jamie so why can’t he? And I admit my brain fully well understands the answer I can give within an instance. But I will not tell the world and I daresay I never will, I admit to myself as I finally follow the clattering noises until I reach the bedroom.
Orlando has his head buried in the chest of draws and the whole room is covered in clothes except for the black bag that sits on the middle of the bed when I find him. I’m guessing that he is packing for when he goes to stay with his mum for a few days. Kate’s clothes are already neatly folded I can see, but Orlando…well, he doesn’t seem to quite know what he’s doing. Or should I say, doesn’t seem to know what he’s taking with him. Either way, both ideas would explain the clothes littering the carpet. So I just stand in the doorway, finding myself wanting to speak, but on feeling that awkwardness rushing back I just continue to watch him. Remaining quiet, I chew nervously on my bottom lip, wondering, while I know he hasn’t seen me, if I can just settle the bag down by the front foor and leave him to find it. But I’m too scared to move now. Frightened because I know either way he will see me. So I just stay frigid for a while, watching him rummage through clothes, cursing under his breath every once in a while.
‘Orlando?’ I finally whisper, once I’ve found a scarce amount of breath. And I utter it so quietly I hope he won’t hear. But when he literally jumps feet in the air, banging his head hard on the corner of the furniture I know he definitely has.
‘Keira!’ He gasps, throwing his hands to his forehead in pain as he clutches his forehead. ‘I thought my sister was here.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I croak as I shake my head. ‘I-I came to return Kate’s clothes.’ I hold up the bag and pass it to him. ‘Merry Christmas.’ I rush before starting to walk away fast.
‘No Keira!’ He shouts, running after me and blocking the doorway so I can’t get past. ‘P-please don’t go. Um, stay for a cup of tea or something?’
‘Orlando, just let me go!’
I start to move again but he doesn’t and continues to block the doorway. He’s staring at me, hand rubbing the back of his neck, something he always does when uncomfortable. I’m ready to resist, but then I look at his pleading eyes and melt.
‘Please stay?’ He begs, ‘Just…please?’
‘Ok,’ I give in softly. And im not the least surprised at my answer because I knew I would relent. Because I always do to him.
He smiles at me, starting to walk down the corridor to the kitchen where he puts on the kettle. We both stare at eachother for a moment, desperately searching our brains for something to fill the awkward gap. But then I notice blood beginning to trickle down to his eyebrow from where his hand is clutching his head. Cursing, he attempts to wipe some of the red liquid away, only making it worse and spreading it in a glaring streak across his forehead.
‘Does it hurt?’ I ask softly, instinctively moving to his side without thinking, the uneasiness before forgotten.
‘Yeah,’ he mutters through gritted teeth, squeezing eyes shut before pulling hands away to reveal a large bump and nasty graze oozing more blood. Gingerly I raise my fingers to gently smooth curls away from the area before softly tracing the cut. In order to reach him my body ends up pressed against his, but I just can’t bring myself to pull away even though I know what I’m doing is against what I decided. It just feels so right. The feeling of his body radiating warmth onto mine is enough to make me wish to stay like it forever. When I touch a particularly tender place he gasps, intaking breath sharply but doesn’t pull away. Instead, he slips an arm around my waist tugging me closer. His lips quiver as if about to say something but no words brace his lips. And I’m glad because I realise as soon as a voice slashes the silence, the earth shattering realisation will hit us that we should not be doing what we are. And I don’t want him to go. I am content where I am. Close to him. Breathing in his scent. Enjoying his presence. Yet this time the enchanted time ends quicker then expected by just a longing gaze that has me snap back to my senses. Reminds me of Jamie back home waiting for me and only me. And it isn’t fair. So I draw apart. I belong somewhere else now. My life has changed. And he’s not in it. Hasn’t been accepted into my world. But he’s still there at the boundaries yelling to get in.
He’s not winning. Not really.
‘L-let me clean it.’ I stutter profusely, trying to gain back my composure but failing miserably. I grab some kitchen towel and wet it. But then I’m back against him. Biting my lip and avoiding eye contact because I know if I let him catch my gaze I’m lost.
As I tend to the gash he waits patiently, but I know he is looking at me. Staring. I want to know what is running through his head. Silence I have learnt, is sometimes ended by a surprising, irregular question, sentence or query from him. About the abortion for example. The question had shocked me and because of the sincerity of his tone, I couldn’t help but wonder if Kate was pregnant. If that’s what was tearing him apart. But their communication is far too good for a troubled couple. So I believe. Wish. Hope. Because that is all I have in my power to do.
I’m waiting for him to speak. Something in my conscience is telling me it will be him to break the silence. And he does. With the exact unexpected sentence I had willed for.
‘I’ve missed you.’
He blurts it out loudly, causing me to stop my dabbing and stare at him even though I was counting down the seconds until he bagan to talk. It is not long before he’s blushing when I look away, realising he shouldn’t have told me what was going on inside his head.
I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what to say. The pause is a gentle one, waiting for some action or word to define the next emotion. And it comes when I suddenly feel the soft caress of his fingers running down my cheek and the warmth of his breath on my lips. ‘I’ve missed you.’ He murmurs again. Quietly this time. Lovingly. ‘I’ve missed you so much, Keira.’
I let him wrap his arms around me so perfectly and so beautifully that I don’t want to let go. I wish I do not have to reply to him. I can’t bring myself to admit that now I’m here, I realise I miss him too. More then I thought.
I give him a smile in reply. A sad smile that he can catch a glimpse of before resting my head in the crook of his neck.
‘Merry Christmas.’ He whispers in my ear, ‘Enjoy the Christmas you didn’t have last year.’
That’s when I part from him, noticing his eyes are misty whereas mine are leaking a few tears. And I surprise myself. Do something I have been telling myself not to do the whole time. But I forget Jamie for a second. And a second is all it really takes. In a sudden wave of passion, I place my hands on both sides of Orlando’s face and softly press my lips against his, loving the sudden rush that shivers through my body. It urges me to carry on but I linger, knowing my body is telling me this is so right when the truth is it’s all wrong. But then Orlando is meeting my lips again. Beautifully. So incredibly beautifully that I find myself sighing into his mouth secretly telling him not to stop. And he knows. Of course he does. Because he understands me too well. Is familiar with every inch of my skin and how my body reacts to ceratin things. And that’s what brings me back to the present world, because I realise that if I don’t stop soon, I won’t stop at all.
‘No!’ I moan in a whimpering cry, tearing away from his mouth. Moving so my back is to him, eyes squeeze shut in disbelief. ‘I-I shouldn’t have done that. I-I should never have done that.’
I’m talking to myself more then him. Trying to persuade myself that what I have just done isn’t fair. It’s a couple of minutes before I turn around again, only to find desiring black eyes instead of the usual brown. I’m shaking hard, trying to resist rushing back to him and pulling him into a long embrace. I start to walk away, back into his bedroom where I left my handbag, throwing aside masses of clothes.
When I find it, I throw the jeans that are covering it a little away from me. The footsteps that followed me down the hallway halt just by my side and I know Orlando is watching me. However my gaze has become occupied elsewhere. The jeans that land on the carpet, let something silver slip from one of the pockets. So I bend to pick it up, too oblivious by the tears clouding my sight to notice how Orlando has suddenly frozen to the spot, mouth half open ready to shout at me to stop. But it’s already too late.
I don’t think or stop to study the necklace until it’s in my hands. The swan is what finally catches my eye. The animal standing out so magnificently from the jewel pendant, proudly presenting itself with a posessive beauty that only few can describe. A sob catches in my throat in no time, strangling itself to death as I stare up at him, tears sub-consciously dripping down my face.
And I don’t bother saying anything because I know there’s no point. Orlando remains motionless. Still. No movement is made, no shout commences and no touch stops me as I drop the necklace holding all our secrets and run out of the appartment, slamming the door behind me.
But if I had still remained in the room I would have witnessed things that would have torn my heart apart.
I wasn’t there to see Orlando yell in frustration as soon as I disappeared from sight.
I didn’t watch him throw the necklace at the wall in absolute anger, a cry releasing itself from the depths of his chest, eyes blazing with a hazardous fire.
I was not there to help him up when he collapsed onto the floor, bursting into a fit of shaking sobs as he crawled over the ground.
I didn’t see him pick up the jewel and clutch it to his heart, hugging it as if it is the most precious thing on earth.
Because I didn’t see anything I should have seen.
I just didn’t see anything at all.
5:30 pm
You got what you deserved
I hope you're happy now
Because everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me Inside.
Now I dread each day knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness of living without you
The cool breeze swirls around the streets like a shivering sadness in search of warmth. As I walk along the pavement leaving behind the sky painted with a grey dreariness, my feet crack on the ice and frost that has sheathed the ground. It’s one of those days where you just wish that snow will flutter down in spirals, laying in a thick, soft powder of purity. You want to feel the sting of snowflakes as they rest on naked skin and melt into the pores, leaving you somewhat refreshed. Instead, you have horrible weather that can’t decide whether to rain or snow, so sticks somewhere in the middle, meaning you are left with slushy sleet that spits slowly from the heavens and drenches you within seconds.
Clutching a bag in an icy grasp, I dig my other hand deep in my pocket and snuggle my nose into Jamie’s scarf. My pace is a fast one as I have the funny feeling that someone is following me. Suspicions are only made clearer when I hear the snap of a camera now and again. I know I should have taken the car, but as the journey to Orlando’s and Kate’s is only a 20 minute walk I decided to risk it by foot. Oh how wrong I was. With the photographer and the weather what could have been a worse decision? Coming to drop off Kate’s clothes would be a close one actually. I could have made Jamie do it. Correction: I should have made Jamie do it. It makes me believe that my mind is wondering away from the practicalities of life and focusing particularly on one major problem. Or should I say person? Yes, that’s it. One major person.
As I turn into their road that familiar feeling of uneasiness screams through my veins like a sheer knife stabbing at my heart. I don’t want to be here but something seems to be calling me. Beckoning me. To him. Only him. And I don’t want to. Not really. But my heart does and I can’t help what the most honest part of my body desires. I can’t help that I still feel his soft lips where they brushed over my forehead. I’m craving for more. Craving because I know what it feels to have his mouth pressed against mine. Know what it does to me when his body hovers over me, dark ravishing curls loosely falling over his face as he gazes down with mocha eyes. I want to be close to him. Just like I did a year ago. But I must refrain and live with just seeing him.
Now, i’m standing outside his door before I have time to think. Before I decide this is a bad idea and I shouldn’t have come. I am aware I should just not be here. Infact, I never should have met him in the first place. Never should have let myself become friends with him a year ago. Let him approach me on the beach and comfort me in a time of need. I could have got through on my own. I could have done. But I had wanted him and that made it all so much worse. I never would be in the mess I am in now if I hadn’t met him would I? Living off his last touch and memories that never fulfill my needs? Or maybe I would. Maybe it’s my destiny to be like this. Maybe fates path led me down this route. The trail that has me broken. Lost. And I shouldn’t be. I should know what to do. And I do in some respects and don’t in others. I understand what I owe to the man I cheated on. The man I love. The Jamie that makes me happy. And he really does. I can never ask for more then he gives me. I don’t need to. It’s perfect with him. I’m at ease. My lovely Jamie. My oh so lovely Jamie that is always there for me in an instance if I ask for it. So why must the past drag me to other distractions that I thought I had left behind me?
Finally shaking my head to loose thoughts, I reluctantly ring the doorbell, thinking to myself that I do not belong here. And I won’t linger. I owe Jamie that much. I’ve already betrayed him enough.
‘Sam is that you?’ A voice yells at the sound of the doorbell. ‘Come on in, the door’s open!’
I snap out of my wonderings at the sudden call. His voice has my heart racing and head pounding so viciously I feel like it might explode. My breath catches in my throat but I force myself to calm down and get my lungs back working in an orderly manner. I dither about only for a few seconds as I contemplate what to do before pushing open the door and stepping inside. Still holding onto the bag I take a good look around as I shut the door securely behind me.
I never really observed their appartment before. It’s beautifully furnished but I can tell they have not been here long enough to unpack some remaining boxes that lay scattered about on the floor. A few photographs stand on the table by the phone but I do not dare to look them. I refuse to let myself wallow in the sorrow of them being happy together and having it captured in an image. And it is selfish. I know it is because I have that happiness with Jamie so why can’t he? And I admit my brain fully well understands the answer I can give within an instance. But I will not tell the world and I daresay I never will, I admit to myself as I finally follow the clattering noises until I reach the bedroom.
Orlando has his head buried in the chest of draws and the whole room is covered in clothes except for the black bag that sits on the middle of the bed when I find him. I’m guessing that he is packing for when he goes to stay with his mum for a few days. Kate’s clothes are already neatly folded I can see, but Orlando…well, he doesn’t seem to quite know what he’s doing. Or should I say, doesn’t seem to know what he’s taking with him. Either way, both ideas would explain the clothes littering the carpet. So I just stand in the doorway, finding myself wanting to speak, but on feeling that awkwardness rushing back I just continue to watch him. Remaining quiet, I chew nervously on my bottom lip, wondering, while I know he hasn’t seen me, if I can just settle the bag down by the front foor and leave him to find it. But I’m too scared to move now. Frightened because I know either way he will see me. So I just stay frigid for a while, watching him rummage through clothes, cursing under his breath every once in a while.
‘Orlando?’ I finally whisper, once I’ve found a scarce amount of breath. And I utter it so quietly I hope he won’t hear. But when he literally jumps feet in the air, banging his head hard on the corner of the furniture I know he definitely has.
‘Keira!’ He gasps, throwing his hands to his forehead in pain as he clutches his forehead. ‘I thought my sister was here.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I croak as I shake my head. ‘I-I came to return Kate’s clothes.’ I hold up the bag and pass it to him. ‘Merry Christmas.’ I rush before starting to walk away fast.
‘No Keira!’ He shouts, running after me and blocking the doorway so I can’t get past. ‘P-please don’t go. Um, stay for a cup of tea or something?’
‘Orlando, just let me go!’
I start to move again but he doesn’t and continues to block the doorway. He’s staring at me, hand rubbing the back of his neck, something he always does when uncomfortable. I’m ready to resist, but then I look at his pleading eyes and melt.
‘Please stay?’ He begs, ‘Just…please?’
‘Ok,’ I give in softly. And im not the least surprised at my answer because I knew I would relent. Because I always do to him.
He smiles at me, starting to walk down the corridor to the kitchen where he puts on the kettle. We both stare at eachother for a moment, desperately searching our brains for something to fill the awkward gap. But then I notice blood beginning to trickle down to his eyebrow from where his hand is clutching his head. Cursing, he attempts to wipe some of the red liquid away, only making it worse and spreading it in a glaring streak across his forehead.
‘Does it hurt?’ I ask softly, instinctively moving to his side without thinking, the uneasiness before forgotten.
‘Yeah,’ he mutters through gritted teeth, squeezing eyes shut before pulling hands away to reveal a large bump and nasty graze oozing more blood. Gingerly I raise my fingers to gently smooth curls away from the area before softly tracing the cut. In order to reach him my body ends up pressed against his, but I just can’t bring myself to pull away even though I know what I’m doing is against what I decided. It just feels so right. The feeling of his body radiating warmth onto mine is enough to make me wish to stay like it forever. When I touch a particularly tender place he gasps, intaking breath sharply but doesn’t pull away. Instead, he slips an arm around my waist tugging me closer. His lips quiver as if about to say something but no words brace his lips. And I’m glad because I realise as soon as a voice slashes the silence, the earth shattering realisation will hit us that we should not be doing what we are. And I don’t want him to go. I am content where I am. Close to him. Breathing in his scent. Enjoying his presence. Yet this time the enchanted time ends quicker then expected by just a longing gaze that has me snap back to my senses. Reminds me of Jamie back home waiting for me and only me. And it isn’t fair. So I draw apart. I belong somewhere else now. My life has changed. And he’s not in it. Hasn’t been accepted into my world. But he’s still there at the boundaries yelling to get in.
He’s not winning. Not really.
‘L-let me clean it.’ I stutter profusely, trying to gain back my composure but failing miserably. I grab some kitchen towel and wet it. But then I’m back against him. Biting my lip and avoiding eye contact because I know if I let him catch my gaze I’m lost.
As I tend to the gash he waits patiently, but I know he is looking at me. Staring. I want to know what is running through his head. Silence I have learnt, is sometimes ended by a surprising, irregular question, sentence or query from him. About the abortion for example. The question had shocked me and because of the sincerity of his tone, I couldn’t help but wonder if Kate was pregnant. If that’s what was tearing him apart. But their communication is far too good for a troubled couple. So I believe. Wish. Hope. Because that is all I have in my power to do.
I’m waiting for him to speak. Something in my conscience is telling me it will be him to break the silence. And he does. With the exact unexpected sentence I had willed for.
‘I’ve missed you.’
He blurts it out loudly, causing me to stop my dabbing and stare at him even though I was counting down the seconds until he bagan to talk. It is not long before he’s blushing when I look away, realising he shouldn’t have told me what was going on inside his head.
I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what to say. The pause is a gentle one, waiting for some action or word to define the next emotion. And it comes when I suddenly feel the soft caress of his fingers running down my cheek and the warmth of his breath on my lips. ‘I’ve missed you.’ He murmurs again. Quietly this time. Lovingly. ‘I’ve missed you so much, Keira.’
I let him wrap his arms around me so perfectly and so beautifully that I don’t want to let go. I wish I do not have to reply to him. I can’t bring myself to admit that now I’m here, I realise I miss him too. More then I thought.
I give him a smile in reply. A sad smile that he can catch a glimpse of before resting my head in the crook of his neck.
‘Merry Christmas.’ He whispers in my ear, ‘Enjoy the Christmas you didn’t have last year.’
That’s when I part from him, noticing his eyes are misty whereas mine are leaking a few tears. And I surprise myself. Do something I have been telling myself not to do the whole time. But I forget Jamie for a second. And a second is all it really takes. In a sudden wave of passion, I place my hands on both sides of Orlando’s face and softly press my lips against his, loving the sudden rush that shivers through my body. It urges me to carry on but I linger, knowing my body is telling me this is so right when the truth is it’s all wrong. But then Orlando is meeting my lips again. Beautifully. So incredibly beautifully that I find myself sighing into his mouth secretly telling him not to stop. And he knows. Of course he does. Because he understands me too well. Is familiar with every inch of my skin and how my body reacts to ceratin things. And that’s what brings me back to the present world, because I realise that if I don’t stop soon, I won’t stop at all.
‘No!’ I moan in a whimpering cry, tearing away from his mouth. Moving so my back is to him, eyes squeeze shut in disbelief. ‘I-I shouldn’t have done that. I-I should never have done that.’
I’m talking to myself more then him. Trying to persuade myself that what I have just done isn’t fair. It’s a couple of minutes before I turn around again, only to find desiring black eyes instead of the usual brown. I’m shaking hard, trying to resist rushing back to him and pulling him into a long embrace. I start to walk away, back into his bedroom where I left my handbag, throwing aside masses of clothes.
When I find it, I throw the jeans that are covering it a little away from me. The footsteps that followed me down the hallway halt just by my side and I know Orlando is watching me. However my gaze has become occupied elsewhere. The jeans that land on the carpet, let something silver slip from one of the pockets. So I bend to pick it up, too oblivious by the tears clouding my sight to notice how Orlando has suddenly frozen to the spot, mouth half open ready to shout at me to stop. But it’s already too late.
I don’t think or stop to study the necklace until it’s in my hands. The swan is what finally catches my eye. The animal standing out so magnificently from the jewel pendant, proudly presenting itself with a posessive beauty that only few can describe. A sob catches in my throat in no time, strangling itself to death as I stare up at him, tears sub-consciously dripping down my face.
And I don’t bother saying anything because I know there’s no point. Orlando remains motionless. Still. No movement is made, no shout commences and no touch stops me as I drop the necklace holding all our secrets and run out of the appartment, slamming the door behind me.
But if I had still remained in the room I would have witnessed things that would have torn my heart apart.
I wasn’t there to see Orlando yell in frustration as soon as I disappeared from sight.
I didn’t watch him throw the necklace at the wall in absolute anger, a cry releasing itself from the depths of his chest, eyes blazing with a hazardous fire.
I was not there to help him up when he collapsed onto the floor, bursting into a fit of shaking sobs as he crawled over the ground.
I didn’t see him pick up the jewel and clutch it to his heart, hugging it as if it is the most precious thing on earth.
Because I didn’t see anything I should have seen.
I just didn’t see anything at all.