(no subject)
Is it worth it can you even hear me?
By: Renee
I was so tired of being alone so tired of not having friends. I was sick of teased sick of being teased for being me. I guess my normal wasn’t all the other kids normal. I guess liking loud music and not pop was “weird”. What’s weird? In the dictionary weird is known as Of a strikingly odd or unusual character; strange. So I’m strange? No I’m myself I have issues yeah I know that but what 13 year old doesn’t? I guess I was as “normal” as I could be seeing my brothers are in My Chemical Romance. Yeah I guess going on tour about 8 months a year and not making friends was normal to me. I guess I have a lot to be grateful for but my life is far from perfect. Gee and Mikey never are around to talk anymore but they still expect me to be perfect. Please, tell me how I can be perfect when I don’t know what to do any more. I lost myself when I was alone and I don’t know if I could find myself.
The tour bus was so cold. I shivered and gathered the blanket closer to me. I truly hate Maine I still see no point in going to this place it has like a population of 200. But Gee and Bert had said everyone deserved to hear the Mcr and Used tour. They had then went to the bar and left little minor me on the tour bus alone. Nothing new with the feeling of loneliness I feel in my stomach sometimes I wished I could cry. But I could never bring myself to cry since mom and dads funeral. I refused to show weakness I tried to be strong. I held back the tears when I heard voices. I rushed to my bunk and silently cried into my pillow. It wasn’t like me to cry I shouldn’t cry. I heard Gee and Mikey’s voices and I buried my face deeper into my pillow. Please let them think I’m asleep please. No such luck. When I wanna be alone I don’t get that when I wont someone to talk to NO one is around. Gee sat on the edge of my bunk and I heard him say, “Bella, sweetie is something wrong?” “No.” I said “Bella I know something is wrong just tell me.” Gee said “Nothings wrong.” I said. “Stop lying and tell me what’s wrong,” Gee said. “LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!” I yelled. “No. You’re going to tell me what’s wrong.” Gee said. I got up and before gee could grab me I ran out of the bus. I had to get out. I heard Gee yelling behind me but I ran. I ran as fast as I could and stopped when I couldn’t breath anymore. Why did I run away from Gee? I knew he was trying to help me but I didn’t want to tell him about what’s going on with my mind as well as my body. Yeah what a great dinner conversation that would be. ‘So Bella what’s on your mind? Gee would ask. Well gee I got my period and I have no clue what to do. I went to the store well the band slept and got pads. It was a new experience to go to a boy a year older then me and ask him how much the pads were. I don’t know who was redder him or me. Then Gee would sit down and have the talk with me and everything would be alright’ Yeah like that was really going to ever happen. I sat down on the swings in the run down park and began to cry again. For someone so tough I was acting like a pussy. I was crying and in my own world I didn’t even hear the man creep up behind me. “What’s on your mind sweetheart?” he asked. I looked up to see a boy about 14 years old smoking a cigarette in front of me. I didn’t say anything. He looked at me with deep green eyes, “Your going to catch your death wearing no jacket out here.” I was wearing a tight black tee shirt and a pair of tight jeans. I shrugged. He put the cigarette between his lips and took off his jacket. He was wearing a hood underneath it. He placed the jacket around e. It was so warm. I began to cry harder. He wrapped me in his arms and let me cry. “There sweetheart. Things will get better. Things always get better.” His voice was so deep even though he was so young. “How do you know? You don’t know me.” I sobbed. “I’m Finnish, sweetheart, we know everything.” I had to laugh. His arms were around me and I felt safe. Safer then I had felt in such a long time.
I awoke in the park in the boys’ arms his name was Ville but when he said it was Velah. I copied his accent every time I said his name causing him to let out his laugh. I couldn’t believe that I was in his arms in the park. Gerard and Mikey were going to kill me. I tried to stand up but his grip was strong even in his sleep. I giggled when he pulled me tighter. I knew him for only one night and already I felt so close to I’m so safe and so loved. Ville must have heard my laugh because he woke up. “Morning sweetheart.” He said. Damn that accent made me weak in the knees. “Mornin’ Velah.” He giggled and kissed my cheek, God he was so sweet. I heard the ring of my cell phone and looked down. 132 new messages. I couldn’t believe that I had ignored that many of Gee’s calls. “Shit. I have to call my brother.” I said Ville nodded. I dialed gee’s number. “Hello” I heard Gee’s voice and I felt a pang of guilt, “Hey gee.” I said in almost a whisper. “Bella. Bella, are you okay? I’m sorry that I pushed you. If you didn’t want to tell me something I understand. I’m so sorry.” Gee was nearly crying. “No Gee you should know. I should be the one telling you how sorry I am for acting that way. I had no right. No right at all.” I was talking so softly. “Bella are you coming back to the tour bus? Do you want me to pick you up? Just tell me where you are and I’ll pick you up.” Gee sounded so upset I knew that I had caused him that pain. He was so nice and I was so jealous of how he had so many friends and me. I was all alone. Not now though now I had Ville. “Gee it’s okay I can walk back to the tour bus. I’m not that far away. I promise I’ll be there in an hour.” I said. “Okay Bella see you then. I love you.” Gee said. “Love you to Gee.” I hung up and whispered another I love you under my breath.
Ville insisted that he walk me back to the bus for “my own protection” but I knew he just wanted to spend time with me. I wanted to spend time with him to. He lit a Kool and began to smoke it. I looked at how cool and confident he looked for a 14 year old. His birthday was last week meaning he was only two weeks older then me seeing my birthday was one week away. I leaned in as we walked and inhaled his scent. Cinnamon, Cigarettes, and beer. It smelt so familiar and so good. He noticed I was smelling him and kissed my head. “Your to cute for words.” He said. I smiled. I love how he thought I was so adorable. I use to kick some ones ass for calling me cute and adorable but I’d let Ville cause he was like I don’t know my best friend and I don’t know dare I say my love? God I’m such a pussy sucker. Ville held my hand and I smiled. I must look so funny wearing a coat 2x to big for me and walking so close to a boy that I just met last night. “Gee and the guys are going to hate you.” I said. “And why is that?” he asked. “Because they are way to over protective of me and are always worrying that I’m going to get raped.” Ville seemed amused by this and let out one of those cute Finnish chuckles that makes my knees go weak. “I’ll worry about you from now on.” He whispered softly into my ear. “I love you. Is that wrong? I met you the other night and I am head over heels in love with you. You must think I’m crazy.” I said turning away from Ville. He pulled me close to him and kissed me passionately on my lips. When we separated I was in shock. “I see you feel the same way.” I said causing him to smile. He started walking. “Wait no. COME BACK HERE AND KISS ME AGAIN!” I yelled. He stopped and came back and kissed me sliding his tongue into my mouth. We ended up making out for the next five minutes in the middle of the street. “Wow…um...that was amazing.” I said. He just smiled and grabbed my hand. I swear that man kisses so well yet I have nothing to compare it to. “You know that was my first kiss.” I said softly. He looked down “Was it what you expected?” he asked. “Yes and 100 times what I could imagine.” I said. Ville smiled. I loved his smile it always made me smile.
We were almost at the bus and I was so scared. Ville must have known because he held my hand tighter. “Don’t worry sweetheart.” How could I not worry? I was going to get yelled at for spending a night at the park with a guy. What would you think I was doing? I saw a red car parked outside and wondered who the hell that was. I walked into the tour bus and Gerard was making out with some chick. “Shit! Vicky get off me.” Gee said pushing the brunette off him. Ville chuckled. “Bella who’s this with you?” I looked at him, “I could ask you the same question.” I said. “This is Vicky. Now who’s that.” I smiled, “this is Ville Valo.” I said. Gee gave him a dirty look. “Hello Velah.” Trying to be rude. I laughed, “You actually pronounced it right.” I said still laughing. Gerard scowled, “How did you meet him?” Gerard asked pointing to Ville. “I met him last night…at a park when…well you know what happened.” I said. Gerard looked really mad. I could tell he was about to yell at me but Frankie and Mikey came running through the door, “BELLA!” Frankie screamed lifting me up and kissing my cheek. “Hey sweetie. You okay?” Mikey asked kissing my cheek and giving me a hug. I returned the hug and answered, “Yeah I’m fine Mikey.” He smiled. “Who are you?” Mikey asked. “I’m Vicky.” “I’m Ville” Frankie looked at Gerard, “Are you and her...you know?” Frankie asked. Gee nodded. “ Aww how cute. Gee got a girlfriend.” Mikey said giggling. I took this as an opportunity and snuck out. Ville stopped me as we got outside the tour bus. “I have to tell you something.” He said his usual grin not on his face. “You can tell me anything.” I said. He sighed, “It’s good and bad. Know how you think you’ll never see me again? Well you will. I’m one of the kids Bert hired to play music and shit. The bad news is. Your brother hates me and he’ll try to break us up.” Ville looked down and I saw a tear in his eye. I stepped closer to him, “Nothing will tear us apart. Not Gerard not nobody. I love you Velah and I will ALWAYS love you.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and he kissed me. His kiss was warm, passionate, and just…perfect. “I love you too, Bella” he whispered. “Awww. That’s so cute!” Frankie said sticking his head out the tour bus window. Gerard’s head appeared two seconds later. “Bella come inside I wanna talk to you.” He said. Damn Gee and Frankie always ruining the moment. “I guess I better be going.” Ville said. I nuzzled my head into his neck. “Now? Why now?” I said. “Sweetheart, I’ll see you again tonight at the venue.” He said. I sighed and gave him a final kiss. “Do you want your jacket back?” I asked taking off his jacket. “No. It looks better on you.” He kissed my lips and then he was gone. I sighed and decided to head back in the tour bus.
Mikey, Gerard, Frankie, Jeph, Quinn, and Bert had all come to have a talk with me. When they had said they wanted to talk to me I thought how uncomfortable it would be to talk to Bert about THAT. We were all crammed in the “living room” of The Used tour bus. Why they picked the Used bus I have no clue. I was sitting on Quinn’s lap because I knew he wouldn’t yell at me and I felt safe knowing Quinn would yell at them if they upset me in any way. Gerard sighed, “So Bella what’s on your mind?” gee asked. What’s on my mind? I got my period yesterday had no clue what to do. I had to get pads and oh yeah did I mention I feel in love? So if you ask me how I’m doing I guess you can say pretty damn fine. Why was everyone staring at me like that? “Did I just say that out loud?” I asked. Bert nodded. I can’t believe I get myself into theses embarrassing situations. 6 boys and me a little 13 year old going on 14 year old talking about getting my period. Yeah this was bad. Frankie had turned a red shade and Gee’s mouth kept opening and closing and who but Bert broke the silence. “Don’t use tampons if you leave them in to long you can go into shock.” I can’t believe he just said that. “Thanks. For the advice Bert.” I said trying so hard not to burst out laughing. “It’s fine I just like to offer my advice when I think that it’s needed. Did Gee already have the sex talk? If he didn’t I’ll be happy to go over it.” “NO” everyone in the room said to Bert. He shrugged. “Okay it’s your loss.” Bert said. “Oh were ever so crushed Bert.” Frankie said clutching his chest. “I wont have the talk with you Frankie I’ll demonstrate it.” Bert said causing us all to laugh. “He does a REALLY good demonstration. I wouldn’t pass it up if I were you Frankie.” Quinn said. I whacked my head, “Eww nasty. Images. Eww.” I said shaking my head trying to get the image of naked Bert and Fragile Quinn having sex. Gee shook his head. “Let’s go out to eat before the venue. Ray and Matt already left with Brandon an hour ago. I swear there having a threesome.” He said. Bert smiled. I leaned in and whispered, “Bert, tell your pant’s it’s not polite to point.” Bert covered his crouch and Jeph smiled, “I’ll fix that for you Bert.” “Really?” Bert said eagerly. Jeph nodded “Think of Don Vito and Phil having sex.” “EWW!” Bert said his hard on instantly gone. “Told you I’d help you.” Jeph smiled evilly. I got bored and jumped on Gerard’s back, “Give me a piggy back ride Gerard.” I giggled as Gee ran. Gee finally got tired and dropped me but thank god Mikey was right behind me. “Thanks Gee.” I said skipping next to my brother. “No problem kiddo.” Bert came running up “Hey Gee Frankie says you got a girl.” Gee rolled his eyes. “Yup.” Bert must have noticed Gee was getting mad cause he didn’t say anything else. We got to this breakfast place and everyone got eggs, toast, and bacon except me. “I want chocolate chip pancakes with chocolate syrup and chocolate milk.” The guys all looked at me. “Yup she definitely got her period.” Jeph muttered. I threw my spoon at him from across the table but he caught it. “Lucky bastard.” I muttered under my breath. When the food came Frankie and Mikey stared a food fight. I got half of Quinn’s egg across my face. I picked up the ketchup and squirted them all. “We’re in a restaurant. Act your age.” They all started laughing cause here’s a 13-year-old telling 21 year olds how to act. “Shit we better go.” Jeph said glancing at his watch. “Yeah seeing the venue tarts in an hour.” Bert added. WE literally ran half way to the venue until we saw the tour busses coming and hopped on. I was kind of tired so I told Gee to wake me up in an hour and headed towards my bunk. As soon as I laid down I was fast asleep.