[Fic] GW: Z E R O
Fandom: Gundam Wing
Title: Z E R O
Author: Keithan ( keitn)
Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and its characters belong to their respective owners.
Rating: PG
Timeline: Spire (Fic list here)
Series: One-shot
Characters: Quatre, Heero
Summary: Quatre struggles to face that which he must to unite a team and lead them to victory.
Warnings: Sort of POV experiment. Posted on the run, sorry if there are mistakes. You’re welcome to point any of them out, especially since it's been a while since I've written something a little longer than a thousand or two words.
Notes: Weaving writing into canon again means adding another to the Spire arc.
Z E R O
by Keithan
You think the situation is desperate. You know the situation is desperate. Time is running out and you’re afraid the next wave of attack will not be as lucky. Soon, somewhere, somebody will falter, and everything will be over. You look at your hands. They’re not shaking, not in the way you thought they would be with what you’re feeling. But the tremble is there, slight and unnoticeable to most, and you dislike the way it looks weak and fragile and… shaking. You interlace your fingers and tighten them together instead.
“We won’t be able to hold for long.” Your voice is soft, but the lounge is quiet, and your words carry over even to Wufei’s corner on the far side of the room. You don’t look up, but you see Duo, in the corner of your eyes, sitting up straighter.
“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath. He’s closest to you, and you feel the tension and weariness of battle from him. You feel it too. Every battle takes too much, leaves only little for the next, and soon, you know, not much will be left for another fight.
Nobody contradicts you. You half-expected somebody would because the five of you are used to winning, used to the strength and superiority of your mobile suits, used to the certainty of success that can often blind people to the possibility of failure. But the past battles have apparently been enough to wear down even the most proud. Because even though your side is winning, each victory comes closer and closer to defeat, and you know everyone is feeling it. You hate to give voice to such hopelessness, but you don’t regret stating the facts. You have to, because nobody else will.
“At the rate they’re going,” you continue, staring at your clasped hands and at the white table. “We’re not going to last. We’ll be overcome.”
“Stupid fucking dolls,” Duo says, and you’d agree if only you thought that your problems stop there. But somehow, you know they don’t. “Why do they always seem to be a step ahead of us?”
You look at Duo as he shakes his head in clear frustration. “That’s because they are, Duo,” you answer him just as Heero says, “Because they are.”
Your head turns to Heero in surprise, his eyes immediately meeting yours as though he has been looking at you the whole time, and you realize, he knows it too. “You know.” Another statement of fact, and it seems an oversight on your part to think that Heero hasn’t notice what you’ve noticed. Because there’s no way that he hasn’t. The dolls are too organized, too strategic, too… intelligent. The others have noticed it too, and are wondering about it, but Heero knows.
“There’s a way, Quatre.”
You’re sliding your chair back so fast you don’t even notice you’re doing so, and you’re up on your feet facing Heero before anybody can even move. How dare you, you think, as you look at Heero, eyes shining with defiance and anger and fear and betrayal. Your thoughts are racing-and so is your heart-and there are too many of them to try and follow each of them one by one.
You look at Heero, wishing with all your heart that you read the meaning in his words wrong, but the other’s steady and waiting gaze is confirmation enough. The room is quiet. The others don’t react, because of all the people in the room, of all five of you there, you are the only one who knows exactly what Heero is talking about.
Your heart beats a loud echo in your ears as your thoughts continue at a disorganized jumble all directed at Heero. How can you even bring that up? Heero’s gaze doesn’t waver, and you open your mouth to say something, anything, because with the utter chaos in your mind, surely you have something to say.
After what I’ve been through, after what we’ve been through… You remember the utter silence and emptiness of space after the explosion, the tears stinging in your eyes as you watch Vayeate’s tiny pieces floating around by your own doing, and Heero’s prone form after everything, lying still and lifeless in your arms. You taste the guilt on the tip of your tongue, sour and bitter, and all you want is to spit it out.
You think of his hand on your shoulder shaking you awake, your throat sore from soundless screaming, dreaming of a time when space welcomes the day it is one colony less. You remember sleepless nights under the stars on the beach, your heart as cold as the night breeze-the distinct absences of people you care for leaving empty numbness in your heart-and his silent and guarding presence the only warmth present. You see his knowing gaze in your mind, as he patiently waits for you to break, to unravel beneath the weight of what happened and what you did and as he looks at you then, you know he is ready to put you back together again if you so need him to.
You purse your lips into a tight line, not believing what the other pilot is even suggesting. You know, Heero… You know most than anybody here what it means to me and how could you? Think of Trowa, damn it. But of all the thoughts and all the words you want to say, you settle for a curt and sharp, “No.”
“What?” Duo’s voice is like a knife slicing through the confusion of your mind, and you look back at him, and see Duo, Wufei, and Trowa watching you, watching Heero, curious and waiting for an explanation.
Your eyes meet Trowa’s, and you feel your hand shake then, but you grip the table tightly with one hand and close the other into a fist. You look back at Heero quickly, not wanting to think of battles long fought both won and lost, and instead you think of the battles to come.
It is only then that you realize that Heero has addressed only you, and not the room, and your initial anger momentarily slips away, realizing that it is as much a permission as anything else. With your back turned to the others, your eyes soften, and you wish Heero can hear your thoughts, or at least, read them in your eyes. Please don’t please don’t please don’t. Not this. Anything but this.
When Heero looks away, turns his back to the room and faces the massive glass window, your knees suddenly feel weak, and you sit back down. Slowly, you release your hold on the table top, and when you look at your hands again, you see new lines that are not there a while ago, some curved and moon-shaped looking very much like nail indentations, while some are straight and deep, like table edges.
* * *
You stare at mobile doll formations gathered and printed from the previous battle. They are spread out before you and you resist the urge to slam your palms on them. You are faced with a strategy game with only five major players on your side, but you know the problem does not entirely lie there. “We can’t go on like this,” you say, because you know something has to be done soon.
“We’ll take them on, as if we have a choice,” Duo says from where he’s preparing a cup of coffee. You reach for your own then, and take comfort in the warmth of the mug.
“You can choose to stay and not fight,” Wufei answers him, but he is not looking at Duo and you watch him, in his corner, silent and aloof most of the time, floating and meditating for the rest. “I can take them.” You frown in thought, because you know Wufei meant them-that he can take them on alone if he has to and he will if he thought they’d slow him down-and you aren’t going to be surprised if the others felt the same way.
“They’re too many even for you, Wufei.” Trowa’s voice is soft and quiet, and your frown eases away for a moment, grateful that at least, they’re discussing things now, even in short bursts of observation. It is a vast improvement from the silences, guarded statements, and awkward moments that they all shared the first few times they had to interact together in this ship.
But there lays the problem, you think. Sharing short bursts of observations isn’t enough, not anymore, when the enemy is faster than any building trust that is rising among all of you. You shake your head. “Either we’re too scattered or we’re not scattered enough, and they’re tearing down through our defenses.” You look at the mobile doll formations, easily spotting both strengths and weaknesses, but you know that without a cohesive team behind you, those weaknesses don’t matter, especially not with the sheer number of dolls you’re fighting. “We need to fight together if we are to stand a chance against them, or Peacemillion will fall.”
“But that’s what we’ve been doing and they’re running us to the ground.” Duo sighs as he takes a seat across from you. The aroma of newly brewed coffee prompts you to take a sip of your own. “We’re not a damn army. We’re tired enough as it is.”
“What we’re doing is not enough,” you say quietly. You place your mug back on the table, away from the sheets and plans. “We can’t win this doing what we’re used to.” You look up at the others, pausing to make sure each of them is listening. “We’re not fighting alone now. Attack and destroy won’t work. It’s not a matter of if, but a matter of when because this,” you wave a hand at the mobile doll formations in front of you. “will surely overcome us unless we actually work together.”
“These dolls are too…” Duo waves a hand, searching for the right term.
“These are no brainless machines.” Wufei doesn’t wait for Duo, and you are surprised that he is looking at you, as though you know the answer to the question hidden in his words. You meet his gaze steadily but offer no explanation, and Wufei takes that for the confirmation that it is.
“Quatre.”
You inwardly wince, and your fingers nearly fisted the papers underneath them on the table. You’re glad nobody noticed, because the others have turned their eyes to Heero in question. And you think, not again, just… not again. You hear him walk closer. You don’t see him but you feel him as he stands just slightly behind you, nearly at your side, and you know without a doubt that he’s looking over the formations, seeing what you’re seeing, and when you glance up and see a slight frown on his face, you know he’s come to see what you’re heart already knows. That it might not be enough.
Individuals used to work alone and suddenly forced to work together as a team might not be enough, but with their skills and caliber, you know you are sure to do damage and would be far better than the reckless way you’ve all been separately fighting. But in this dangerous dance of strategy… would it be enough?
“No,” you whisper, soft enough to let the others know that you only meant it for Heero. And you wonder what you’re answering, Heero’s unvoiced statements or your own.
“Will you two ever let us in on your plans?” Duo asks, brow raised.
You shake your head at Duo. “It’s nothing,” you say, because it is nothing. You hope it is nothing.
“You know what we need,” Heero said, pulling you back to a conversation you don’t care having, his voice matching your own whisper.
You feel the anger and you hiss out, “What we need is a team.” But beneath the anger, you feel betrayed. You don’t understand, how Heero, of all people, can even suggest it to you. “That’s all Heero.” You wonder if Heero hears the desperate note in your voice. You need it to be the solution, because the alternative is not something you’re ready to face, not yet, probably not ever.
Heero knows this. He knows this and you don’t understand why he’s pushing it again. You look at him, hoping to find some answers, because you trusted him, and now he’s dangling that trust between you. But what you see instead is patient understanding, and the urge to look away and slam your hands down on the table, on the mobile doll formations in front of you, is strong.
Because you know he’s right, but you don’t want to acknowledge that yet, not until you exhaust all possibilities of victory first.
You look away, unable to look at Heero any longer and meet Trowa’s eyes instead, and you realize that he has finally caught on to what is actually being discussed without much words exchanged. Your breath catches in your throat, remembering that Trowa has just regained his memories, and you remember your own memories too, not that you can forget.
There is no way you’re going back to that state of madness and revenge and anger, and you think that Heero has no right to push you. Not when he knows everything. The guilt is there, the familiar feeling scratching and tearing at his chest. But then, when Trowa nods his head in understanding, you nearly sigh in relief, and you never noticed you stopped breathing until you are able to once more.
You feel a hand on the small of your back briefly, unseen to others, and the breath you’ve just regained nearly leaves you again. You give a tense and small nod in acknowledgement, and when Heero turns and leaves, you know it’s only a truce, a brief respite, and it’s only a matter of time before you have to stop running away. But you’re still hoping you won’t have to.
* * *
You walk in your room and wait as the door slides close to lean back on it, your shoulders dropping in a way you’d never let others see. You’re grateful to Howard for the private quarters for you five-they’re closer to the main control room and the hangars than the bunk rooms on the other side of the ship-as it gives you a place to escape to. You lean your head back on the metal door and you nearly close your eyes before you snap them open again as you sight upon the figure sitting on the chair by the desk.
“Heero.” Your eyes narrow, and you wave a hand to the light sensor by the door to light up the previously dark room. “Why are you here?” Heero stands up and takes a step forward and suddenly, your place of escape becomes suffocating. You know why Heero is here, and even though you know you have to face it again at some point, you didn’t expect to face it now.
“Quatre.” A small nod, and it is enough of a greeting before Heero says, “We need to talk.”
At those words, however, you snap and the words you’ve wanted to say to Heero since that first time came spilling forth your lips unchecked. “I said no, damn it. How can you expect me to react otherwise? I trusted you, Heero. I trusted you. Don’t make me go back there. You can’t make me go back there. Think of Trowa-” and you stop when your wrists are caught in mid-air-you didn’t even realize you were using your hands to make your point. You look up in surprise at Heero, now in front of you, and the words running through your head are once more dead and silent before even reaching your lips.
“Trowa is fine.” Heero’s calm words are enough to take the tension away from your body and leaning back heavily on the door, you sigh and look away.
“That colony won’t rebuild itself,” you try to argue, but it merely came out as a soft reminder to you both of a past not too long ago.
“Then you’ll just have to live through this war to do it yourself.” And you look at Heero at that, but he is not yet finished. “You know it might not be enough, Quatre.”
“I’ll make it enough.” The words leave your lips as quickly as you thought them. You don’t meet his eyes.
Heero’s hands tighten briefly on your wrists to catch your attention, to make you look at him again, but you don’t. You look at his hands on your wrists, at your feet on the floor, at the blinking red light of the light sensor just beside the door.
“You know as well as I do that these are no ordinary dolls,” Heero explains.
You shake your head, wanting to say, I know that but there is another way-there must be, because you don’t want where Heero’s going with this. It will lead into the past, a past too recent and too close yet for you, but it’s a past that you both share. You’ve barely started accepting it with a long-sought forgiveness now granted, and now… How could you shove me back there again, Heero? You of all people…
“I trust you, Quatre.”
You aren’t expecting that and you turn your head in surprise, searching Heero’s eyes of his meaning, because you didn’t hear it in his tone. “What?”
He lets go of one of your wrists, reaching out instead to lay it on your cheek in a ghost of a touch, and you freeze. “Do you trust me?”
You nearly tear your face away from him as if his hand burns you, because how can he talk about trust when you’ve felt nothing but betrayed after what he’s even suggesting. But you close your eyes tightly instead, closing yourself to the sight of Heero looking at you and waiting for an answer, and hiding yourself from the painful reminder of a past filled with nothing but your mistakes and now you feel the familiar feeling of guilt and regret trying to overwhelm you, not for the first time.
You feel Heero’s hand shift and your hair is waved away from your eyes, but you don’t open them even when he returns his hand to your cheek, and lifts your face up-unspoken requests to look at him. You free your wrist from his other hand, but you don’t move it away and grip his wrist back instead. “You know I do,” you finally answer, too soft that if Heero were standing a few steps away, he would not have heard it. The words echo in your mind and you know then that they are the most honest words you’ve said to him since you entered the room.
Heero’s hand then moves to the back of your neck and you open your eyes in surprise when you are pulled forward, away from the door and closer to the other pilot. He brings your foreheads together, and you feel his hand cradling the back of your head and he says, “Then just continue doing so.”
There is a sudden whoosh from behind, and you barely recognize that it’s the door sliding open-the thought that you’d have fallen back if Heero had not pulled you away from it passes through your mind briefly-before Heero is already walking past you and out of your room, unknowingly passing the light sensor on the way and leaves the room in darkness. When the door slides close, you let out a shaky breath and you lean back on it again, feeling the familiar coldness of metal against your back.
You tilt your head back on the door, and you close your eyes. You don’t open them for a long while, not until your heart has calmed down, not until your thoughts have somehow been muted.
* * *
The next attack seems to take longer to come. You wait in tense anticipation for the alarms to sound and for the red lights to flash, both an indication of an emergency. But when it is yet to happen, your heart is tight in your chest, and you spend the time with your silent thoughts even when Duo sits beside you and tries to get you to talk. You don’t say much, but you assure him that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about other than the impending mobile dolls bound to be coming your way.
When it comes, when the red lights of emergency flash and the alarms sound, they taint your vision with a scarlet hue and your ears echo with the sound of sirens, hollow and ringing. You zip up your flight suit, and holding your helmet under your arm, you make your way into the hangar, floating with a sense of calm you’ve not felt in a while. You wonder if such is the feeling of trust.
The others have already boarded their suit, seeing them just barely out of their open hatches-except for Duo, with Deathscythe having her wings folded over her pilot’s cockpit as though in protection. You don’t see Heero around, and you don’t dwell too much on this as you kick off the platform with enough force to bring you to your Gundam’s cockpit. She is ready for you as your fingers glide over her controls and she comes to life under your touch.
Just as you settle in your pilot’s seat, a shadow blocks your cockpit’s entrance. You look up, and despite expecting something, you are surprised when you see Heero there.
When he tells you that the ZERO System is installed in your suit, instead of feeling anger, you nearly panic, and you realize that having discussed this in vague terms and hidden meanings doesn’t exactly prepare you for being faced with it in reality. You try to push the panic back down, but you still shake your head at him, thinking that you just can’t, saying that maybe in the next battles, you’ll be ready, but not now, because it’s just too soon, and everything is still too raw.
“You know what we have is not enough, Quatre.” Heero’s voice cuts through your internal battle, because yes, you know. How can you not when you’ve been poring over mobile suit formations and thinking of offense and defense strategies since your very first trying encounter. You shake your head, but it’s not in denial of the fact just stated. “Someone has to lay out the a plan if we’re going to survive,” Heero continues, and in your mind you think, I know, I know, I know. “You take command.”
You know what will happen. You know Heero’s going to have to fight against Zechs. You know what is needed to be done to avoid having Peacemillion fall and the last of your resistance fail. But what you don’t know is that knowing all that hurts.
It hurts you to remember, because you can’t avoid the fact that the ZERO System is very much a part of you, a part of the past, a part of a handful of yesterdays you wish you didn’t have to live through. The very idea of stepping back to that past makes your heart clench tighter even as it beats faster.
When Heero points out that this can atone for what you did, a way for you to give back to the people of space in return to what you’ve taken, your heart stops, and all that you say is, “Heero…” Every thought leaves you and every resistance comes to a clarifying halt.
And somehow, in the silence of your mind, you remember that you trust him.
“The code is ZERO.”
* * *
In the middle of battle, where hope of victory is dwindling away, where every move results in more damage to your side than to your opponent’s, you steel your resolve. Noin is getting beat up. Wufei is heavily surrounded and Duo and Trowa are nearly in the same predicament fighting so alone and so far away. You tighten your fingers around your control sticks a second before your right hand flies over the panel. Your mind is faster though, as it already goes through the past formations and strategies, trying to see the hundreds of possibilities hidden there, as though already accepting your decision before you even made it.
Z
You think of Trowa, fighting somewhere in the organized chaos of mobile dolls around you, and you are thankful he is there at all, fighting with you. Between you, there is forgiveness given and taken, and it is much more than what you think you deserve, but he is alive and that’s all that matters.
E
You try not to think too much of your father, because with that thought comes the inexplicable feeling of a son’s loss, and harder still is the fact that closure is yet to come. He died before you’ve set things right, and it’s one regret you’ve accepted to carry for the rest of your life.
R
You think of winning, amidst the losing tide of the current battle, because your head is clearer now that you’ve accepted and welcomed your decision to lead the battle-to take command-and now, to you, victory is the only outcome. And in this war, there is no other option but to survive-so this battle must be won-because a colony somewhere needs to be rebuilt and you will make sure that someone will do it, knowing in your heart that you will.
O
Around you, all your screens light up as Sandrock accepts the code and slides into the change easily, and those hundreds of possibilities become sharper than before and you suddenly find that you can see everything clearly-the break in your opponent’s lines, the chaos behind the organized formations, and the steps needed in your own dance of strategy to keep up and push on ahead. You easily shift through them to choose the shortest and most efficient path to victory.
In the back of your mind, you think of Heero, and you know each of your trust is not misplaced as, with the aid of the ZERO System-which once, long ago, held you under its power-you finally take command and now, you bring your team together forward as one, leaving the past behind where it belongs.
.end
25.09.09
Title: Z E R O
Author: Keithan ( keitn)
Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and its characters belong to their respective owners.
Rating: PG
Timeline: Spire (Fic list here)
Series: One-shot
Characters: Quatre, Heero
Summary: Quatre struggles to face that which he must to unite a team and lead them to victory.
Warnings: Sort of POV experiment. Posted on the run, sorry if there are mistakes. You’re welcome to point any of them out, especially since it's been a while since I've written something a little longer than a thousand or two words.
Notes: Weaving writing into canon again means adding another to the Spire arc.
Z E R O
by Keithan
You think the situation is desperate. You know the situation is desperate. Time is running out and you’re afraid the next wave of attack will not be as lucky. Soon, somewhere, somebody will falter, and everything will be over. You look at your hands. They’re not shaking, not in the way you thought they would be with what you’re feeling. But the tremble is there, slight and unnoticeable to most, and you dislike the way it looks weak and fragile and… shaking. You interlace your fingers and tighten them together instead.
“We won’t be able to hold for long.” Your voice is soft, but the lounge is quiet, and your words carry over even to Wufei’s corner on the far side of the room. You don’t look up, but you see Duo, in the corner of your eyes, sitting up straighter.
“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath. He’s closest to you, and you feel the tension and weariness of battle from him. You feel it too. Every battle takes too much, leaves only little for the next, and soon, you know, not much will be left for another fight.
Nobody contradicts you. You half-expected somebody would because the five of you are used to winning, used to the strength and superiority of your mobile suits, used to the certainty of success that can often blind people to the possibility of failure. But the past battles have apparently been enough to wear down even the most proud. Because even though your side is winning, each victory comes closer and closer to defeat, and you know everyone is feeling it. You hate to give voice to such hopelessness, but you don’t regret stating the facts. You have to, because nobody else will.
“At the rate they’re going,” you continue, staring at your clasped hands and at the white table. “We’re not going to last. We’ll be overcome.”
“Stupid fucking dolls,” Duo says, and you’d agree if only you thought that your problems stop there. But somehow, you know they don’t. “Why do they always seem to be a step ahead of us?”
You look at Duo as he shakes his head in clear frustration. “That’s because they are, Duo,” you answer him just as Heero says, “Because they are.”
Your head turns to Heero in surprise, his eyes immediately meeting yours as though he has been looking at you the whole time, and you realize, he knows it too. “You know.” Another statement of fact, and it seems an oversight on your part to think that Heero hasn’t notice what you’ve noticed. Because there’s no way that he hasn’t. The dolls are too organized, too strategic, too… intelligent. The others have noticed it too, and are wondering about it, but Heero knows.
“There’s a way, Quatre.”
You’re sliding your chair back so fast you don’t even notice you’re doing so, and you’re up on your feet facing Heero before anybody can even move. How dare you, you think, as you look at Heero, eyes shining with defiance and anger and fear and betrayal. Your thoughts are racing-and so is your heart-and there are too many of them to try and follow each of them one by one.
You look at Heero, wishing with all your heart that you read the meaning in his words wrong, but the other’s steady and waiting gaze is confirmation enough. The room is quiet. The others don’t react, because of all the people in the room, of all five of you there, you are the only one who knows exactly what Heero is talking about.
Your heart beats a loud echo in your ears as your thoughts continue at a disorganized jumble all directed at Heero. How can you even bring that up? Heero’s gaze doesn’t waver, and you open your mouth to say something, anything, because with the utter chaos in your mind, surely you have something to say.
After what I’ve been through, after what we’ve been through… You remember the utter silence and emptiness of space after the explosion, the tears stinging in your eyes as you watch Vayeate’s tiny pieces floating around by your own doing, and Heero’s prone form after everything, lying still and lifeless in your arms. You taste the guilt on the tip of your tongue, sour and bitter, and all you want is to spit it out.
You think of his hand on your shoulder shaking you awake, your throat sore from soundless screaming, dreaming of a time when space welcomes the day it is one colony less. You remember sleepless nights under the stars on the beach, your heart as cold as the night breeze-the distinct absences of people you care for leaving empty numbness in your heart-and his silent and guarding presence the only warmth present. You see his knowing gaze in your mind, as he patiently waits for you to break, to unravel beneath the weight of what happened and what you did and as he looks at you then, you know he is ready to put you back together again if you so need him to.
You purse your lips into a tight line, not believing what the other pilot is even suggesting. You know, Heero… You know most than anybody here what it means to me and how could you? Think of Trowa, damn it. But of all the thoughts and all the words you want to say, you settle for a curt and sharp, “No.”
“What?” Duo’s voice is like a knife slicing through the confusion of your mind, and you look back at him, and see Duo, Wufei, and Trowa watching you, watching Heero, curious and waiting for an explanation.
Your eyes meet Trowa’s, and you feel your hand shake then, but you grip the table tightly with one hand and close the other into a fist. You look back at Heero quickly, not wanting to think of battles long fought both won and lost, and instead you think of the battles to come.
It is only then that you realize that Heero has addressed only you, and not the room, and your initial anger momentarily slips away, realizing that it is as much a permission as anything else. With your back turned to the others, your eyes soften, and you wish Heero can hear your thoughts, or at least, read them in your eyes. Please don’t please don’t please don’t. Not this. Anything but this.
When Heero looks away, turns his back to the room and faces the massive glass window, your knees suddenly feel weak, and you sit back down. Slowly, you release your hold on the table top, and when you look at your hands again, you see new lines that are not there a while ago, some curved and moon-shaped looking very much like nail indentations, while some are straight and deep, like table edges.
* * *
You stare at mobile doll formations gathered and printed from the previous battle. They are spread out before you and you resist the urge to slam your palms on them. You are faced with a strategy game with only five major players on your side, but you know the problem does not entirely lie there. “We can’t go on like this,” you say, because you know something has to be done soon.
“We’ll take them on, as if we have a choice,” Duo says from where he’s preparing a cup of coffee. You reach for your own then, and take comfort in the warmth of the mug.
“You can choose to stay and not fight,” Wufei answers him, but he is not looking at Duo and you watch him, in his corner, silent and aloof most of the time, floating and meditating for the rest. “I can take them.” You frown in thought, because you know Wufei meant them-that he can take them on alone if he has to and he will if he thought they’d slow him down-and you aren’t going to be surprised if the others felt the same way.
“They’re too many even for you, Wufei.” Trowa’s voice is soft and quiet, and your frown eases away for a moment, grateful that at least, they’re discussing things now, even in short bursts of observation. It is a vast improvement from the silences, guarded statements, and awkward moments that they all shared the first few times they had to interact together in this ship.
But there lays the problem, you think. Sharing short bursts of observations isn’t enough, not anymore, when the enemy is faster than any building trust that is rising among all of you. You shake your head. “Either we’re too scattered or we’re not scattered enough, and they’re tearing down through our defenses.” You look at the mobile doll formations, easily spotting both strengths and weaknesses, but you know that without a cohesive team behind you, those weaknesses don’t matter, especially not with the sheer number of dolls you’re fighting. “We need to fight together if we are to stand a chance against them, or Peacemillion will fall.”
“But that’s what we’ve been doing and they’re running us to the ground.” Duo sighs as he takes a seat across from you. The aroma of newly brewed coffee prompts you to take a sip of your own. “We’re not a damn army. We’re tired enough as it is.”
“What we’re doing is not enough,” you say quietly. You place your mug back on the table, away from the sheets and plans. “We can’t win this doing what we’re used to.” You look up at the others, pausing to make sure each of them is listening. “We’re not fighting alone now. Attack and destroy won’t work. It’s not a matter of if, but a matter of when because this,” you wave a hand at the mobile doll formations in front of you. “will surely overcome us unless we actually work together.”
“These dolls are too…” Duo waves a hand, searching for the right term.
“These are no brainless machines.” Wufei doesn’t wait for Duo, and you are surprised that he is looking at you, as though you know the answer to the question hidden in his words. You meet his gaze steadily but offer no explanation, and Wufei takes that for the confirmation that it is.
“Quatre.”
You inwardly wince, and your fingers nearly fisted the papers underneath them on the table. You’re glad nobody noticed, because the others have turned their eyes to Heero in question. And you think, not again, just… not again. You hear him walk closer. You don’t see him but you feel him as he stands just slightly behind you, nearly at your side, and you know without a doubt that he’s looking over the formations, seeing what you’re seeing, and when you glance up and see a slight frown on his face, you know he’s come to see what you’re heart already knows. That it might not be enough.
Individuals used to work alone and suddenly forced to work together as a team might not be enough, but with their skills and caliber, you know you are sure to do damage and would be far better than the reckless way you’ve all been separately fighting. But in this dangerous dance of strategy… would it be enough?
“No,” you whisper, soft enough to let the others know that you only meant it for Heero. And you wonder what you’re answering, Heero’s unvoiced statements or your own.
“Will you two ever let us in on your plans?” Duo asks, brow raised.
You shake your head at Duo. “It’s nothing,” you say, because it is nothing. You hope it is nothing.
“You know what we need,” Heero said, pulling you back to a conversation you don’t care having, his voice matching your own whisper.
You feel the anger and you hiss out, “What we need is a team.” But beneath the anger, you feel betrayed. You don’t understand, how Heero, of all people, can even suggest it to you. “That’s all Heero.” You wonder if Heero hears the desperate note in your voice. You need it to be the solution, because the alternative is not something you’re ready to face, not yet, probably not ever.
Heero knows this. He knows this and you don’t understand why he’s pushing it again. You look at him, hoping to find some answers, because you trusted him, and now he’s dangling that trust between you. But what you see instead is patient understanding, and the urge to look away and slam your hands down on the table, on the mobile doll formations in front of you, is strong.
Because you know he’s right, but you don’t want to acknowledge that yet, not until you exhaust all possibilities of victory first.
You look away, unable to look at Heero any longer and meet Trowa’s eyes instead, and you realize that he has finally caught on to what is actually being discussed without much words exchanged. Your breath catches in your throat, remembering that Trowa has just regained his memories, and you remember your own memories too, not that you can forget.
There is no way you’re going back to that state of madness and revenge and anger, and you think that Heero has no right to push you. Not when he knows everything. The guilt is there, the familiar feeling scratching and tearing at his chest. But then, when Trowa nods his head in understanding, you nearly sigh in relief, and you never noticed you stopped breathing until you are able to once more.
You feel a hand on the small of your back briefly, unseen to others, and the breath you’ve just regained nearly leaves you again. You give a tense and small nod in acknowledgement, and when Heero turns and leaves, you know it’s only a truce, a brief respite, and it’s only a matter of time before you have to stop running away. But you’re still hoping you won’t have to.
* * *
You walk in your room and wait as the door slides close to lean back on it, your shoulders dropping in a way you’d never let others see. You’re grateful to Howard for the private quarters for you five-they’re closer to the main control room and the hangars than the bunk rooms on the other side of the ship-as it gives you a place to escape to. You lean your head back on the metal door and you nearly close your eyes before you snap them open again as you sight upon the figure sitting on the chair by the desk.
“Heero.” Your eyes narrow, and you wave a hand to the light sensor by the door to light up the previously dark room. “Why are you here?” Heero stands up and takes a step forward and suddenly, your place of escape becomes suffocating. You know why Heero is here, and even though you know you have to face it again at some point, you didn’t expect to face it now.
“Quatre.” A small nod, and it is enough of a greeting before Heero says, “We need to talk.”
At those words, however, you snap and the words you’ve wanted to say to Heero since that first time came spilling forth your lips unchecked. “I said no, damn it. How can you expect me to react otherwise? I trusted you, Heero. I trusted you. Don’t make me go back there. You can’t make me go back there. Think of Trowa-” and you stop when your wrists are caught in mid-air-you didn’t even realize you were using your hands to make your point. You look up in surprise at Heero, now in front of you, and the words running through your head are once more dead and silent before even reaching your lips.
“Trowa is fine.” Heero’s calm words are enough to take the tension away from your body and leaning back heavily on the door, you sigh and look away.
“That colony won’t rebuild itself,” you try to argue, but it merely came out as a soft reminder to you both of a past not too long ago.
“Then you’ll just have to live through this war to do it yourself.” And you look at Heero at that, but he is not yet finished. “You know it might not be enough, Quatre.”
“I’ll make it enough.” The words leave your lips as quickly as you thought them. You don’t meet his eyes.
Heero’s hands tighten briefly on your wrists to catch your attention, to make you look at him again, but you don’t. You look at his hands on your wrists, at your feet on the floor, at the blinking red light of the light sensor just beside the door.
“You know as well as I do that these are no ordinary dolls,” Heero explains.
You shake your head, wanting to say, I know that but there is another way-there must be, because you don’t want where Heero’s going with this. It will lead into the past, a past too recent and too close yet for you, but it’s a past that you both share. You’ve barely started accepting it with a long-sought forgiveness now granted, and now… How could you shove me back there again, Heero? You of all people…
“I trust you, Quatre.”
You aren’t expecting that and you turn your head in surprise, searching Heero’s eyes of his meaning, because you didn’t hear it in his tone. “What?”
He lets go of one of your wrists, reaching out instead to lay it on your cheek in a ghost of a touch, and you freeze. “Do you trust me?”
You nearly tear your face away from him as if his hand burns you, because how can he talk about trust when you’ve felt nothing but betrayed after what he’s even suggesting. But you close your eyes tightly instead, closing yourself to the sight of Heero looking at you and waiting for an answer, and hiding yourself from the painful reminder of a past filled with nothing but your mistakes and now you feel the familiar feeling of guilt and regret trying to overwhelm you, not for the first time.
You feel Heero’s hand shift and your hair is waved away from your eyes, but you don’t open them even when he returns his hand to your cheek, and lifts your face up-unspoken requests to look at him. You free your wrist from his other hand, but you don’t move it away and grip his wrist back instead. “You know I do,” you finally answer, too soft that if Heero were standing a few steps away, he would not have heard it. The words echo in your mind and you know then that they are the most honest words you’ve said to him since you entered the room.
Heero’s hand then moves to the back of your neck and you open your eyes in surprise when you are pulled forward, away from the door and closer to the other pilot. He brings your foreheads together, and you feel his hand cradling the back of your head and he says, “Then just continue doing so.”
There is a sudden whoosh from behind, and you barely recognize that it’s the door sliding open-the thought that you’d have fallen back if Heero had not pulled you away from it passes through your mind briefly-before Heero is already walking past you and out of your room, unknowingly passing the light sensor on the way and leaves the room in darkness. When the door slides close, you let out a shaky breath and you lean back on it again, feeling the familiar coldness of metal against your back.
You tilt your head back on the door, and you close your eyes. You don’t open them for a long while, not until your heart has calmed down, not until your thoughts have somehow been muted.
* * *
The next attack seems to take longer to come. You wait in tense anticipation for the alarms to sound and for the red lights to flash, both an indication of an emergency. But when it is yet to happen, your heart is tight in your chest, and you spend the time with your silent thoughts even when Duo sits beside you and tries to get you to talk. You don’t say much, but you assure him that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about other than the impending mobile dolls bound to be coming your way.
When it comes, when the red lights of emergency flash and the alarms sound, they taint your vision with a scarlet hue and your ears echo with the sound of sirens, hollow and ringing. You zip up your flight suit, and holding your helmet under your arm, you make your way into the hangar, floating with a sense of calm you’ve not felt in a while. You wonder if such is the feeling of trust.
The others have already boarded their suit, seeing them just barely out of their open hatches-except for Duo, with Deathscythe having her wings folded over her pilot’s cockpit as though in protection. You don’t see Heero around, and you don’t dwell too much on this as you kick off the platform with enough force to bring you to your Gundam’s cockpit. She is ready for you as your fingers glide over her controls and she comes to life under your touch.
Just as you settle in your pilot’s seat, a shadow blocks your cockpit’s entrance. You look up, and despite expecting something, you are surprised when you see Heero there.
When he tells you that the ZERO System is installed in your suit, instead of feeling anger, you nearly panic, and you realize that having discussed this in vague terms and hidden meanings doesn’t exactly prepare you for being faced with it in reality. You try to push the panic back down, but you still shake your head at him, thinking that you just can’t, saying that maybe in the next battles, you’ll be ready, but not now, because it’s just too soon, and everything is still too raw.
“You know what we have is not enough, Quatre.” Heero’s voice cuts through your internal battle, because yes, you know. How can you not when you’ve been poring over mobile suit formations and thinking of offense and defense strategies since your very first trying encounter. You shake your head, but it’s not in denial of the fact just stated. “Someone has to lay out the a plan if we’re going to survive,” Heero continues, and in your mind you think, I know, I know, I know. “You take command.”
You know what will happen. You know Heero’s going to have to fight against Zechs. You know what is needed to be done to avoid having Peacemillion fall and the last of your resistance fail. But what you don’t know is that knowing all that hurts.
It hurts you to remember, because you can’t avoid the fact that the ZERO System is very much a part of you, a part of the past, a part of a handful of yesterdays you wish you didn’t have to live through. The very idea of stepping back to that past makes your heart clench tighter even as it beats faster.
When Heero points out that this can atone for what you did, a way for you to give back to the people of space in return to what you’ve taken, your heart stops, and all that you say is, “Heero…” Every thought leaves you and every resistance comes to a clarifying halt.
And somehow, in the silence of your mind, you remember that you trust him.
“The code is ZERO.”
* * *
In the middle of battle, where hope of victory is dwindling away, where every move results in more damage to your side than to your opponent’s, you steel your resolve. Noin is getting beat up. Wufei is heavily surrounded and Duo and Trowa are nearly in the same predicament fighting so alone and so far away. You tighten your fingers around your control sticks a second before your right hand flies over the panel. Your mind is faster though, as it already goes through the past formations and strategies, trying to see the hundreds of possibilities hidden there, as though already accepting your decision before you even made it.
Z
You think of Trowa, fighting somewhere in the organized chaos of mobile dolls around you, and you are thankful he is there at all, fighting with you. Between you, there is forgiveness given and taken, and it is much more than what you think you deserve, but he is alive and that’s all that matters.
E
You try not to think too much of your father, because with that thought comes the inexplicable feeling of a son’s loss, and harder still is the fact that closure is yet to come. He died before you’ve set things right, and it’s one regret you’ve accepted to carry for the rest of your life.
R
You think of winning, amidst the losing tide of the current battle, because your head is clearer now that you’ve accepted and welcomed your decision to lead the battle-to take command-and now, to you, victory is the only outcome. And in this war, there is no other option but to survive-so this battle must be won-because a colony somewhere needs to be rebuilt and you will make sure that someone will do it, knowing in your heart that you will.
O
Around you, all your screens light up as Sandrock accepts the code and slides into the change easily, and those hundreds of possibilities become sharper than before and you suddenly find that you can see everything clearly-the break in your opponent’s lines, the chaos behind the organized formations, and the steps needed in your own dance of strategy to keep up and push on ahead. You easily shift through them to choose the shortest and most efficient path to victory.
In the back of your mind, you think of Heero, and you know each of your trust is not misplaced as, with the aid of the ZERO System-which once, long ago, held you under its power-you finally take command and now, you bring your team together forward as one, leaving the past behind where it belongs.
.end
25.09.09