[fic] Heart Frequency (1/2)
Title: Heart Frequency
Length: 12,015 words
Pairing: Lu Han/Zhang Yixing
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Nothing here is mine except for the plot and the writing.
Summary: With nothing but a careful greeting; hi, I'm Lu Han. I'm a transfer student. and Yixing's carefully laid-out world void of any disruption exploded in colors.
A/N: Originally posted here as a part of SNCJ EXO Secret Santa 2013. The prompt was a high school AU based off Dokyusei, a love that was pure and innocence and as slow and vexing as it could be. I tried, but it turned out to be something completly different. OTL
Also, thank you so much for the wonderful nelliephantt, who kindly helped with the beta. This wouldn't happen with out you! Also, I fixed some typos remained from the original post. I thought I had corrected them all, I was wrong.
With nothing but a careful greeting; hi, I'm Lu Han. I'm a transfer student. and Yixing's carefully laid-out world void of any disruption exploded in colors.
The second semester rolled around without any sort of fanfare, though it was at this point in the year that social hierarchy had been established. Everyone had already formed their cliques and noted their roles within the class system. Zhang Yixing was the unassuming, awfully quiet one that no one paid any attention to. Yixing hardly paid any mind to it; after all, he wore his invisibility with contentment, not an obligation.
Lu Han's smile didn't quite reach his eyes; that was the first thing Yixing noticed about him. He stood in front of the classroom, bright eyed and attentive, but his smile was so impersonal it was like he didn't even realize his mouth had formed a shape at all―like an autopilot respond that was well practiced.
"It's probably strange to have a new classmate this late in a school year but..." Lu Han trailed off, the hand that was clutching on the strip of his backpack tightened minutely, hair shining in the morning light. "I hope we can get along well."
Yixing didn't believe one bit that Lu Han wanted to be anybody's friend, let alone getting along well with anyone. Yixing's eyes caught Lu Han's for the briefest seconds when the latter let his eyes roam the whole class, the cool regard of a stranger yet to become familiar. But Lu Han broke the contact when he sat down at his new desk, two rows in front of Yixing's, the profile of his back frigid and unyielding.
Yixing remained quiet as usual and turned his attention back to the scenery outside the classroom's windows. Spring seemed to have arrived earlier than anyone had anticipated; the trees outside had already gave way to the lush green, and pink magnolia shoots were already peeking through the ground. Yixing had barely had the time to rotate his wardrobe, putting away heavy jackets and thick jumpers and retrieving his lighter clothing from the back of his closet. The school uniform somehow changed to the lighter and shorter sleeves one without his notice.
Lu Han devoted his attention to the front of the classroom, listening raptly while their homeroom teacher went on about the upcoming sports festival. Yixing contented himself by not paying any attention to the class at all, and stared blankly at the budding trees instead. Their eyes never met again even after the class was over, and Yixing wondered if he had been right about Lu Han not wanting to make any friends at all.
As it happened, Lu Han was a charming character and got along well with everyone, which wasn't a surprise to Yixing per se, but it felt like a slight betrayal. Lu Han accepted a note on their English class from Tiannu, played ball with Chanming and the gang in PE, and laughed at the right moment when Lianghui cracked an offensive joke. Yixing watched him nod his head along while Weijian rambled on about last night's episode of the late night drama, and watched him patiently explained the easiest way to solve today's math problem to Xiuying.
Lu Han divided his attention to everyone equally, but he didn't seem to fit in with any specific group of people. He didn't join any clubs and went home directly, by himself, immediately after classes were over each day. Yixing also noted, as he made his way over to his usual lunch spot behind the gym, only to spot an increasingly familiar head of blond hair enjoying the cool shade, that Lu Han ate his lunch alone, not with their classmates in the classroom. Yixing had since moved to the school rooftop for his lunch instead the first day he stumbled across Lu Han, sitting with his back facing the gym and a piece of bread stuffed in his mouth.
Lu Han looked surprised for a brief second before schooling his face into something akin to a neutral curiosity. Yixing blinked slowly for a breath or two, but the initial shock wore off soon later, and he was left standing awkward under the glaring sun, not quite reaching the shadow the building provided.
"I'll just...go," Yixing mumbled before turning around and practically running off, back the way he had come, heat gathering high on his cheeks. It wasn't until afterward that he queried his own swift departure; it wasn't as if he had done anything wrong. Yixing's cheeks burned with embarrassment once again as he remembered Lu Han's murmur of yeah, okay, that had chased after him, the boy's perplexity obvious.
Yixing tended to avoid Lu Han's questioning gaze after that.
Yixing didn't particularly look forward to school, no more than the next guy anyway, but he woke up at the crack of dawn every morning, riding his bicycle under the warm and slightly humid late April sky, just to be the first student to reach the school grounds.
There was something about the tranquility and stillness that was lost between the cluster of students moving about, and the sounds of chalk clicking continuously on the blackboard that attracted Yixing. He loved to be the only one walking through the quiet corridors and pushing open the rusty windows of the abandoned music building, to be the only one occupying the auditorium.
The school had plans to renovate the old building soon, which was why they had the janitor put up the Do Not Enter sign in front of the building in big, bold, red letters, which was easily thwarted as Yixing had discovered something of a secret passage. There was a window with a broken lock in one of the second floor's classrooms that Yixing could easily reach by climbing the tallow tree behind the dumpster. He slid through the tiny window and proceeded quietly down the corridor until he reached the auditorium at the back of the building.
The old grand piano was Yixing's best friend. She had been here since before Yixing had even been born, and he hoped she would still be with the school long after he graduated. The first touch on the ivory keys always made Yixing giddy, for the lack of better word. The delicate Do traveled from the back of the piano, bounced on the auditorium's ceiling, and disappeared into the nothingness of the vast stuffy air. Yixing smiled before adjusting himself on the bench. Today he was going to at least finish the bridge to the first chorus, so he could move on to the next verse already.
The song that Yixing had been trying to compose had begun to take form almost accidentally one freezing evening in winter when it was too cold to even crawl his way out of the kotatsu. His mother had made a hot pot filled with green onion and meat that night and the whole family had gathered close together, using the warmth of the love they had for each other to fend off the cruel winter. Yixing's grandmother had peeled him an orange and such a casual act of kindness echoed the cozy environment; inspiration struck Yixing like lightning.
Said inspiration hadn't left him yet, but the song hadn't gone anywhere, either, and he was determined to finish his song before they took down this auditorium and moved the piano to the new building where he couldn't come and go as he pleased anymore.
Yixing was so immersed in the song, eyes closed in concentration, that he didn't realize he had an audience listening raptly to his playing. The person walked slowly to the front row of the benches and sat down quietly to prevent disturbing the music.
A series of loud claps suddenly rang among the quiet of the hall, effectively breaking him out of his reverie as he snapped his eyes open and swiveled around to find the source of the sound. To his utmost surprise, his eyes settled on Lu Han, who sat at the front row bench with a slightly dazed look on his face.
"What are you- How did- I mean, why are you here?" Yixing stumbled over the question; his hands flitting from the piano's keys, to his knees, to the back of his neck, and back down to his knees, conveying his discomfort.
"I followed you?" Lu Han replied, with little shame, as if stalking someone was a normal occurrence and an acceptable act of an upright citizen. "I came to school early to pick up some study guides and talked with the instructors," he shrugged. "I had no idea you could play like that." The awe that was clear in his voice as well as his facial expression had Yixing squirming in his seat.
"Where're your music sheets?" Lu Han asked curiously while approaching the stage. Yixing glanced back at the piano lid nervously and when he looked at Lu Han again, the boy had already sat down beside him on the piano bench.
"I don't use any," Yixing answered reluctantly; as unwilling as he was to make conversation, he didn't want to be rude either. "I can't read music so there's no point. I play by ear. Um, yeah." It usually took a lot more coaxing for Yixing to talk about his music but there was something in the way Lu Han looked at him, so earnest and admiring with unconcealed wonder, that he didn't mind letting his guard down, just a little.
"Are you some kind of a genius?" Lu Han half-joked with a smile, genuine enough that made him look younger than he usually did. It was a pretty and honest smile, one Yixing didn't see very often, which was a shame. This smile looked good on Lu Han's face.
"Just, don't tell anybody about this, okay?" Yixing said quietly and Lu Han laughed long and loud.
"Who would I tell? Shit. This is amazing. You are amazing." Yixing's ears burn and Lu Han's eyes were impossibly wide with utmost glee.
Lu Han just wouldn't leave him alone after that. Yixing unlocked his bicycle after class one day like usual and prepared to cycle home, but when he got on, Lu Han suddenly jumped up behind him on the bicycle out of nowhere. Yixing shrieked and almost dropped them both.
"Come on!" Lu Han urged, voice very loud and very excited, causing Yixing to wince. "Let's go home!"
Yixing let out an unintelligent what? because seriously what?, but Lu Han didn't seem to care whether Yixing was reluctant to comply to his demand or not, as he tugged on the latter's sleeve.
"Your house, come on!" Lu Han reiterated with no less enthusiasm, leaving little room for argument, so Yixing rode the bicycle back home. Lu Han took Yixing's backpack and carried it on his shoulder along with his own, hands tapping softly on Yixing's shoulders to the inconsistent beats he was humming under his breath.
There was a single beanbag chair in Yixing's room and as old and deflated as it was he kept it for sentimental value, tucked away in a corner. Lu Han spent a long minute upon his first arrival just staring at the tired looking beanbag with a blank expression before transferring said blank expression to Yixing, his eyebrows rising in silent question.
"What?" Yixing poked indignantly. "I like it, stop looking at me like that," he said defensively. He had bought the chair from a flea market summers ago with his grandmother, which had admittedly looked a lot better all those years ago. They had lugged it up on his bicycle and spent the whole afternoon pushing it up-hill as the glaring sun had beaten down hard on Yixing's burned neck and the smell of freshly bloomed tangerine flower drifted along in the air. Yixing's grandmother passed away last year and every time he saw the tragic piece of furniture he couldn't help but be reminded of her, of her dry fingers on his cheek, and of her quiet murmur with his mother from the back of the kitchen. The beanbag chair had its meaning. It had its value.
"You are very sentimental," Lu Han said with a fond smile. Yixing detected a hint of teasing in Lu Han's voice so he scoffed and said, "I'm sure you have lots of sentimental keepsakes too."
Lu Han made a noncommittal humming sound before answering, "We didn't take much when we moved." The sentence itself didn't reveal much, but the way that Lu Han said it, unexpectedly crisp and detached, suggested the subject had been dropped. Lu Han sat down gingerly on the bed, kicking his legs back and forth while looking around the room with mild interest.
Yixing had no idea why Lu Han was here.
Lu Han seemed to have a habit of speaking into silences, or so Yixing had decided. There would be long lulls of silence between them before the taller teen would suddenly open his mouth again.
"I think you should finish that song," Lu Han said finally, fingers picking idly at the blue comforter over Yixing's unmade bed. "The one you played with the piano yesterday." He elaborated when Yixing said nothing in return.
It wasn't that Yixing did not know which song Lu Han was talking about, being it the only song he played in Lu Han's presence, albeit unknowingly. But it was the fact that anyone at all had heard him played and even worse remembered it that made Yixing uncomfortable. It was supposed to be a secret―a hobby that he wasn't sharing. Besides, he wasn't even very good at playing and he certainly had no intention of letting anyone else hear his fingers fumble across the piano keys. Having Lu Han paying any interest in it brought up an indescribable anxiety Yixing tried to prevent in the first place.
"Why are you so interested in this all of the sudden? It's not like you've been interested in anything since you arrived here," Yixing pointed out and then abruptly snapped his mouth shut when he realized that the statement might imply some level of observation he might or might not have over Lu Han.
"Have you been watching me?" Lu Han asked with squinted eyes, his voice a tad taken back. Yixing felt himself turning red.
"No, of course not!" Yixing returned hotly, looking everywhere but Lu Han himself.
Lu Han seemed skeptic but he let it slide. He turned his attention back to the comforter, but his voice rang clear when he spoke.
"Everyone else is boring," he said. "They all watch the same shows, talk about the same thing, act the same way. It's like they can't even bother to stand out and be themselves. But you," Lu Han paused, scooting closer, face so close his nose almost bumped touched Yixing's, exhaled soft and warm against Yixing's cheeks, before continuing. "You are very strange."
"I'm not strange." Yixing denied as he tried to hold Lu Han's unyielding gaze. It was hard, especially when the latter was this close he could practically counted his eyelashes. The proximity was unnerving and Yixing wanted his personal space back; Lu Han didn't seem willing to comply.
"Maybe," Lu Han breathed. "But it doesn't make you any less interesting." His wide doe eyes twinkled with something Yixing couldn't quite decipher.
They became inseparable, or at least the way Lu Han attached himself to Yixing's side suggested some level of inseparable, enough to make their classmates noticed. Yixing wasn't used to all of the attention he, as of late, had been receiving, so it was only natural that he withdrew himself to the safe sanctuary of the auditorium whenever he had the chance. Lu Han, being immune to Yixing's little frowns, trailed after him with even footsteps and a small smile in his eyes.
"I should play guitar," Lu Han said one day while balancing the ball on the flat of his foot. Yixing took out his left earbud, a faint Chinese pop song drifted statically from the headpiece attached to the old MP3 player like white noise in the background. He blinked at Lu Han before asking him to repeat himself. Lu Han shook his head in exasperation before repeating, "I said I should play guitar."
"What brought this on again?" Yixing asked tiredly because it was only yesterday that Lu Han told him, mouth stuffed with strawberry cake, that he would like to learn the art of juggling.
"So you and I could play together one day, of course," Lu Han answered flippantly, abandoning the soccer ball and abruptly depositing himself right next to Yixing. The weather was getting warmer. It was the only explanation why Yixing felt the heat creeping up behind his neck, because it definitely had nothing to do with the close proximity between his and Lu Han's thighs, body heat flaring in the space between their shoulders; or how every time Lu Han exhaled, it tickled Yixing's bangs.
"Yeah, of course. Silly me," Yixing answered weakly. He handed Lu Han the other earbuds when Lu Han made grabby hands at it; JJ Lin's song playing cozily between them like a blanket made out of cotton candy, the acoustic guitar sounding somewhere far, far away and incredibly sweet.
They were at Yixing's house―Lu Han claimed it was more convenient than his place―with their suppose-to-be-finished math homework scattered across the floor, long forgotten as the boys curled up against the foot of Yixing's bed. Outside, the rain still hadn't let up after continuously pouring down for hours already. The morning weather forecast had said this might be the last rain of the season.
Lu Han rested his head on top of his knees while Yixing strummed a few chords absentmindedly on his guitar―the beloved, well used Tanglewood TW28 Yixing bought with his own money when he was fifteen. Even at Lu Han’s constant persistence, Yixing had yet to become comfortable with playing music for his friend and to say Yixing was still self-conscious was an understatement, but Lu Han had his eyes closed, so Yixing tried to pretend he wasn't listening.
"Play me something," Lu Han asked suddenly, voice soft and hushed. Yixing looked down at his hand holding the old scratch-ridden guitar pick for a brief moment before thinking fuck it and starting to play the first song that came to mind. It turned out to be 雨下一整晚.
The melodies glided smoothly, almost harmonizing with the music of the rains hitting steadily on the pavement and the roman tile roofs. Neither boy had bothered to close the windows because even though they didn't particularly like the constant mist of the rain the wind brought in, they hated the stuffy damp air more.
The rain played along with the chorus and this, this was the tranquility and stillness Yixing sought to preserve; when everything was slow and untangled and uncomplicated, when everything was easy to understand.
Lu Han sang softly, and before Yixing had realized it, he had sung along to the sound of his guitar as well.
"You have a beautiful voice," Yixing said as the song drew to a close, and Lu Han tried to hide his embarrassed smile because even though Lu Han gave compliment freely, he wasn't particularly good at receiving them gracefully. It was nice to see Lu Han blushed for a change. The tips of Lu Han's ears turned red; Yixing found him surprisingly endearing.
Lu Han hid his face between his knees and mumbled into the fabric of his pants.
"What did you just say?" Yixing prodded and Lu Han merely grumbled back. The laughter this evoked from Yixing surprised even himself, though Lu Han really was being ridiculous. "Oh, come on. You embarrass me all the time. Just accept the compliment and move on," he chided with a smile.
"Lend me your guitar," Lu Han repeated in a louder voice. Yixing put down his guitar and crawled across his floor to Lu Han. He pried Lu Han's hands off of his face and ignored Lu Han's struggles to tug his hands back out of Yixing's grasp.
"If you take my guitar, what will I use to finish the song?" Yixing murmured, though he had no worries concerning finishing the song in the near future. He looked quizzically at Lu Han who still refused to meet his eyes.
Lu Han was quiet for another moment and it wasn't till his wide unblinking eyes swiveled around to meet Yixing's did the latter realize the closeness between their faces. Yixing pulled back awkwardly and shuffled back over to his spot by his bed, his Tanglewood laid strings-down on the parquet floor, forgotten.
"I'll give you a keyboard tomorrow," Lu Han uttered at last. "Just lend me your guitar." And surprisingly, Yixing did. He handed his beloved guitar over to Lu Han as the boy excused himself home after dinner, a tupperwear full of leftover in his backpack.
"I'll get you a keyboard tomorrow. I promise," Lu Han swore with a quick squeeze of Yixing's hand, before he waved goodbye at the doorway. Yixing smiled, expression tight with worry for his beloved guitar, before closing the door against the late-spring rain.
Still, the next day, Yixing was surprised to open his front door to see a sweaty, flushed-faced Lu Han with an old Yamaha keyboard attached to his back; he really hadn't expected anything to come from his friend’s promise.
"Where did you get that?" Yixing gaped as he took the keyboard from the blond. Lu Han collapsed on the sofa as he wearily explained that an exchanged university student in his apartment complex had happily let him take it off her hands.
"She's going back to Korea so I asked her if I could have it," Lu Han clarified while Yixing's mother set out a plate of sliced pear for the boys, which they both accepted with smiles. "Some wooing and acting cute might be involved, but I'm not at liberty to say," Lu Han teased around a mouthful of pear.
"You're impossible," Yixing responded in disbelief, eyeing the keyboard leaning on the far wall with wonder. Lu Han merely smirked after finishing the entire plate by himself, his expression smug and proud.
Their tentative friendship blossomed just as the locust trees scattered their white flowers along the streets. Yixing learned that while Lu Han was brazen and sometimes a little loud, he was also funny, honest and carefree. He found himself happy to have the companionship; Yixing hadn't smiled this much in a long time.
They soon started hanging out with each other at school and after school, even meeting up before school to go in together. On weekends they rode Yixing's bicycle to nowhere in particular, Lu Han was always eager to go somewhere, though rarely specified where he wanted to go.
One week day morning, in fact, Lu Han expressed a desire to go on another adventure and instead of arguing that they had classes to go to, Yixing found himself unlocking his bicycle from the school parking lot and peddling hard because indulging Lu Han had become second nature to him by now.
Humoring Lu Han also resulted in Yixing skipping school, for no reason other than that he could, for the first time in forever.
Spring was kind but she was going to give way to summer soon, the sweat slowly trickling from Yixing's temple was evidence of the heat. Whilst he didn't dislike summer, the heat wave the change in season brought on was unnecessary in Yixing's opinion. It was always just too much. Lu Han's tight grip on the both of his shoulders wasn't doing anything to help against the steadily increasing heat either.
Yixing puffed as he rode harder, until they had cycled way past the city and there was nothing but miles and miles of grassy fields on both side of the bumpy dirt track. Yixing steered off the dirt road when his legs burned and he couldn't paddle anymore, and the momentum rode them right into the endless field; Lu Han's laughter sounding somewhere far off, a sound that Yixing found contagious as he laughed along with him, lively, exciting and free.
The grass was tall enough to wade through, tall enough that it came up to their waists but Yixing had no qualms against the itchiness as he laid down on the ground, pillowing his head on both of his arms, gazing up at the clear blue sky. From here he could spot the high voltage post not far away from them; the silver metallic reflected the sunlight, shining bright like a beacon. Lu Han lied down next to him a breath later, mimicking his posture with his eyes closed.
"Wouldn't it be great if we could go anywhere we wanted to?" Lu Han mused loudly from somewhere above Yixing's left ear.
"Where do you want to go?" Yixing responded, enjoying the slight breeze that cooled his cheeks and ruffled his hair. Out in the more rural area, the heat didn't seem as bad, maybe it was the pollution and the sheer amount of people constantly bustling around that made the heat stifling in the city. Lu Han fidgeted beside him with a restlessness that Yixing identified as a personal trait. The boy was constantly in motion; tapping his foot to a beat that no one else could hear, drumming his fingers on any given surface when he was bored, wide eyes flitting here and there distractedly. Yixing had never seen him be still for longer than a couple of minutes or two.
Lu Han was doing that thing again, the one where he spoke into silences. Yixing counted one, two, three, four, five quietly in his head, and when he reached ten Lu Han spoke again. "Does it matter?" he countered.
Yixing looked at Lu Han and found that the other boy had already been watching him. Lu Han eyelashes were long; they cast two pools of shadow underneath both of his eyelids. Yixing found him strangely beautiful.
Yixing shifted his gaze and looked back to the sky, concealing his emotional confusion with cloud watching. Today was a beautiful day, he mused inwardly, maybe he should skip classes more often. It wasn't like he particularly enjoyed studying anyway. Lu Han was quiet, but Yixing knew the blond was still watching him with those hooded eyes of his. It was strange, Lu Han being like this: quiet, mellow, subdued. Yixing didn't know what to make of it, but it didn't sit well with him; this Lu Han felt like a stranger.
"Will you come with me?" Lu Han asked softly, voice muted and small. He turned his body to face Yixing, resting his head in the crook of his arm, face passive. He looked alien to Yixing, fragile and demure, and yet, he was still Lu Han in a sense that he was always pushing, always looking for a reaction. Yixing didn't understand why he could sense that something was wrong; why he felt like there was a mental alarm sounding off inside of his head.
"I- I guess?" Yixing answered tentatively. Lu Han looked at him imploringly for a long while before letting out an amused huff.
"Liar." Lu Han finally laughed. He picked up a handful of grass and threw them at Yixing who shrieked and rolled away with a yelp.
"Like hell you would," Lu Han continued as he threw more grass at Yixing who sat up to avoid getting them in his mouth. Lu Han's laughter rang loud and clear and he looked ridiculous with his mouth hanging wide open. Yixing wasn't thinking about it, not at all, but he leaned in, or perhaps it was Lu Han who leaned up, and their lips touched delicately somewhere along the way―a moment of time lapsing because both of them were too stunned to even breathe. And then Lu Han exhaled softly, mouth slightly parted, and Yixing clumsily tilted his head and slanted their lips together.
Their first kiss tasted like hesitation, a flustered stomach and excitement. It tasted like marmalade jam Lu Han had on his toast for breakfast and the strong tea Yixing had drank. It tasted like the G-sharp key of the school's old piano that sounded way off and the meowing beckon of the stray cat Lu Han secretly fed behind the school gym. To Yixing, it tasted a lot like love.
The wind picked up the discarded grass and carried them high into the vast blue sky. Yixing sat still, not opening his eyes until Lu Han tugged gently at his hand and suggested that they should probably head home.
They didn't talk about the kiss. Or Lu Han didn't talk about the kiss. He acted like nothing had happened, which was fine by Yixing because he himself had no idea what to think of it, either. Still, every time Lu Han hummed along to the song they were listening to, the shared earbuds stretched from Yixing's left ear to Lu Han's right, Yixing's chest felt tight with emotion. Yixing didn't talk about the kiss, either, but he thought about it all the time.
"Why won't you do it seriously?" Lu Han asked one afternoon when they skipped PE class to hang around in the deserted auditorium. They had Allen Su's song playing on loop for a while now, long enough that Yixing faltered when Lu Han broke the silence unexpectedly. Yixing blinked, thinking fleetingly what? The kiss?―a memory of the warm sun on his shoulder blades and soft lips pressed against his own flitted through his mind though he was loath to bring it up and waited for Lu Han to elaborate. Lu Han took the MP3 player from Yixing's hand and turned it off; the silence of the auditorium seemed very loud all of the sudden.
"Your music," Lu Han explained as he took the earbud out of Yixing's ear and scooted closer, legs folded awkwardly beneath his body. "You want to take it seriously, don't you?"
Oh. Right. Yixing fought to keep the disappointment off his face. His music. Honestly, Yixing didn't know if he wanted to take it seriously or not. He liked playing his guitar and that grand piano well enough, he supposed, but he'd never really considered making, say a career, out of it or anything. Yixing didn't know if he had enough will power or potential to do so, as far as he was concerned it was just a hobby.
"What do you want to do, Lu Han?" Yixing asked, half afraid he wouldn't get a reply. Lu Han hardly shared anything personal. It was like he built a fortress and only allowed people to peak in on some of the rooms; Yixing wanted to explore the whole facility if Lu Han would just let him.
Lu Han contemplated for a moment, the pause elongated as if he couldn't choose between options, but when he answered, it was with confidence. "A soccer player," Lu Han said. "And a magician; a soccer player who perform magic shows at half time."
Yixing laughed with disbelief. "Is that even possible?" he queried.
"You wouldn't know unless you try." Lu Han shrugged with a conviction of only someone who had been thinking about this for quite some time now. And for once, maybe Yixing wanted to try, too.
Yixing had to stay late to make up for skipping so many classes in the past month. Lu Han, the mischievous little runt, feigned some chronicle sickness and got the school nurse to vouch for him just because he was new. So he got off easy while Yixing got lumbered with the extra load of work.
Suddenly Yixing's phone buzzed. He surreptitiously checked the new message in his inbox, wary of the teacher who was keeping an eye on him. I'll be waiting at the traffic light. You won't miss me! Lu Han's text was not very informative. There were hundreds of traffic lights in this town alone. Yixing had no idea which traffic light Lu Han was referring to.
Or maybe he did.
Yixing lived in the upper part of the town whereas Lu Han lived in the central area. They would go home together, Yixing riding his bicycle with Lu Han in the passenger seat, a fifteen minute-long ride if he peddled constantly. They usually parted ways right around that one traffic light, where Yixing bid goodbye to Lu Han and Lu Han jokingly punched him in the shoulder. That must have been the traffic light Lu Han was talking about.
Yixing blurted out something about being needed at home and got the hell out of there in a blink of an eye, his backpack slung high over his shoulder before the guilt of lying to a teacher could set in.
It took Yixing twelve minutes to get to the traffic light this time, the dusk set leisurely in the background as he rode, the sun sinking behind tall buildings.
Lu Han was already waiting across the street when he arrived, Yixing's earphones stuffed in his ears, lost to the world. He looked lonely, Yixing thought, and distant.
Yixing was vaguely in awe of the magnified shadows surrounding them. He wondered, at this distance, from this point of view, were they at least on the same ground? Lu Han always seemed a bit further away, a little unobtainable, floating along like the free spirit that he was. He pondered over whether or not they would ever be on the same page. Perhaps if Lu Han yielded a little bit more, or Yixing gave in a little bit less, almost, almost-
Lu Han was standing just across the street but he felt very, very far away; with hands in his school pants' pockets and rocking on the balls of his feet. He looked over, and when he saw Yixing, he smiled wide and waved. Lu Han was waiting for Yixing, just a traffic light away, yet the distance between them stretched on like an endless shadow. The wavelength spanned the length of the horizon
Like this, they were just fellow classmates hanging out together after school―nothing more, nothing less.
Why did it have to be less?
As if sensing Yixing's conflict, even from all the way across the road, Lu Han scrunched up his eyebrows in confusion and shouted, "Yixing? What's wrong?"
Yixing's throat clamped up tight, even his own body was rejecting the words that came to his mind. He looked at the traffic light and he waited, waited for the green light to turn yellow, turn red, turn away, turn to something else.
"I don't think I can do this anymore, Lu Han," Yixing mouthed the words as he still couldn't get is vocal chords to cooperate. The blond's eyes met his, and Yixing willed his gaze to be firm, to grip Lu Han and clutch Lu Han to himself, to melt and weld Lu Han to his mind, to mold them together.
Yixing cleared his throat and smiled, tried to smile because what else could he do?
"I don't think I can do this anymore, Lu Han," He said out loud, his tiny voice drowned out by the roaring of speedy cars passed by right and left. People chattered excitedly around him, waiting for the traffic light to turn green, but Yixing had never felt more alone. Lu Han didn't hear him. He didn't blame Lu Han.
Lu Han tilted his head in confusion, and was hastily crossing over as the light gave way to a go sign, left hand reaching out, stretching high, and landing on top of Yixing's head.
"Sometimes I can't understand you at all, Yixing," he teased with a smile. Yixing laughed in response because, really, if he didn't laugh he would probably end up saying something he would regret.
"Let's go for a burger," Yixing choked out, "is what I said," because he was a coward. Lu Han smiled the softest smile Yixing had ever seen, and the stupid stomach butterflies it caused had Yixing reeling. It made him feel like something as mundane as going for a burger meant something more than it should have, but at the same time maybe it didn't. He could never be too sure where he stood when it came to Lu Han.
"Yeah. Okay," Lu Han agreed, taking the bicycle from Yixing and pushing it slowly across the intersection. Yixing followed Lu Han with his eyes for a blink or two before jogging after him, pace slowing down once he reached Lu Han's side. They went to the fast food joint at the mall, chatting away over greasy burgers and fries until late into the night; Lu Han providing the commentary about people passing by as Yixing sat and giggled at his observations.
It was as if nothing had changed; no difference between this and all the other evenings they'd spent together. Nothing had changed at all.
(II/II)
Note: 雨下一整晚 or 'It Rains All Night' is Jay Chou's song. If you're curious to what this song is like, this might help. (Please wait till around 0:20 for the song to start.)
Length: 12,015 words
Pairing: Lu Han/Zhang Yixing
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Nothing here is mine except for the plot and the writing.
Summary: With nothing but a careful greeting; hi, I'm Lu Han. I'm a transfer student. and Yixing's carefully laid-out world void of any disruption exploded in colors.
A/N: Originally posted here as a part of SNCJ EXO Secret Santa 2013. The prompt was a high school AU based off Dokyusei, a love that was pure and innocence and as slow and vexing as it could be. I tried, but it turned out to be something completly different. OTL
Also, thank you so much for the wonderful nelliephantt, who kindly helped with the beta. This wouldn't happen with out you! Also, I fixed some typos remained from the original post. I thought I had corrected them all, I was wrong.
With nothing but a careful greeting; hi, I'm Lu Han. I'm a transfer student. and Yixing's carefully laid-out world void of any disruption exploded in colors.
The second semester rolled around without any sort of fanfare, though it was at this point in the year that social hierarchy had been established. Everyone had already formed their cliques and noted their roles within the class system. Zhang Yixing was the unassuming, awfully quiet one that no one paid any attention to. Yixing hardly paid any mind to it; after all, he wore his invisibility with contentment, not an obligation.
Lu Han's smile didn't quite reach his eyes; that was the first thing Yixing noticed about him. He stood in front of the classroom, bright eyed and attentive, but his smile was so impersonal it was like he didn't even realize his mouth had formed a shape at all―like an autopilot respond that was well practiced.
"It's probably strange to have a new classmate this late in a school year but..." Lu Han trailed off, the hand that was clutching on the strip of his backpack tightened minutely, hair shining in the morning light. "I hope we can get along well."
Yixing didn't believe one bit that Lu Han wanted to be anybody's friend, let alone getting along well with anyone. Yixing's eyes caught Lu Han's for the briefest seconds when the latter let his eyes roam the whole class, the cool regard of a stranger yet to become familiar. But Lu Han broke the contact when he sat down at his new desk, two rows in front of Yixing's, the profile of his back frigid and unyielding.
Yixing remained quiet as usual and turned his attention back to the scenery outside the classroom's windows. Spring seemed to have arrived earlier than anyone had anticipated; the trees outside had already gave way to the lush green, and pink magnolia shoots were already peeking through the ground. Yixing had barely had the time to rotate his wardrobe, putting away heavy jackets and thick jumpers and retrieving his lighter clothing from the back of his closet. The school uniform somehow changed to the lighter and shorter sleeves one without his notice.
Lu Han devoted his attention to the front of the classroom, listening raptly while their homeroom teacher went on about the upcoming sports festival. Yixing contented himself by not paying any attention to the class at all, and stared blankly at the budding trees instead. Their eyes never met again even after the class was over, and Yixing wondered if he had been right about Lu Han not wanting to make any friends at all.
As it happened, Lu Han was a charming character and got along well with everyone, which wasn't a surprise to Yixing per se, but it felt like a slight betrayal. Lu Han accepted a note on their English class from Tiannu, played ball with Chanming and the gang in PE, and laughed at the right moment when Lianghui cracked an offensive joke. Yixing watched him nod his head along while Weijian rambled on about last night's episode of the late night drama, and watched him patiently explained the easiest way to solve today's math problem to Xiuying.
Lu Han divided his attention to everyone equally, but he didn't seem to fit in with any specific group of people. He didn't join any clubs and went home directly, by himself, immediately after classes were over each day. Yixing also noted, as he made his way over to his usual lunch spot behind the gym, only to spot an increasingly familiar head of blond hair enjoying the cool shade, that Lu Han ate his lunch alone, not with their classmates in the classroom. Yixing had since moved to the school rooftop for his lunch instead the first day he stumbled across Lu Han, sitting with his back facing the gym and a piece of bread stuffed in his mouth.
Lu Han looked surprised for a brief second before schooling his face into something akin to a neutral curiosity. Yixing blinked slowly for a breath or two, but the initial shock wore off soon later, and he was left standing awkward under the glaring sun, not quite reaching the shadow the building provided.
"I'll just...go," Yixing mumbled before turning around and practically running off, back the way he had come, heat gathering high on his cheeks. It wasn't until afterward that he queried his own swift departure; it wasn't as if he had done anything wrong. Yixing's cheeks burned with embarrassment once again as he remembered Lu Han's murmur of yeah, okay, that had chased after him, the boy's perplexity obvious.
Yixing tended to avoid Lu Han's questioning gaze after that.
Yixing didn't particularly look forward to school, no more than the next guy anyway, but he woke up at the crack of dawn every morning, riding his bicycle under the warm and slightly humid late April sky, just to be the first student to reach the school grounds.
There was something about the tranquility and stillness that was lost between the cluster of students moving about, and the sounds of chalk clicking continuously on the blackboard that attracted Yixing. He loved to be the only one walking through the quiet corridors and pushing open the rusty windows of the abandoned music building, to be the only one occupying the auditorium.
The school had plans to renovate the old building soon, which was why they had the janitor put up the Do Not Enter sign in front of the building in big, bold, red letters, which was easily thwarted as Yixing had discovered something of a secret passage. There was a window with a broken lock in one of the second floor's classrooms that Yixing could easily reach by climbing the tallow tree behind the dumpster. He slid through the tiny window and proceeded quietly down the corridor until he reached the auditorium at the back of the building.
The old grand piano was Yixing's best friend. She had been here since before Yixing had even been born, and he hoped she would still be with the school long after he graduated. The first touch on the ivory keys always made Yixing giddy, for the lack of better word. The delicate Do traveled from the back of the piano, bounced on the auditorium's ceiling, and disappeared into the nothingness of the vast stuffy air. Yixing smiled before adjusting himself on the bench. Today he was going to at least finish the bridge to the first chorus, so he could move on to the next verse already.
The song that Yixing had been trying to compose had begun to take form almost accidentally one freezing evening in winter when it was too cold to even crawl his way out of the kotatsu. His mother had made a hot pot filled with green onion and meat that night and the whole family had gathered close together, using the warmth of the love they had for each other to fend off the cruel winter. Yixing's grandmother had peeled him an orange and such a casual act of kindness echoed the cozy environment; inspiration struck Yixing like lightning.
Said inspiration hadn't left him yet, but the song hadn't gone anywhere, either, and he was determined to finish his song before they took down this auditorium and moved the piano to the new building where he couldn't come and go as he pleased anymore.
Yixing was so immersed in the song, eyes closed in concentration, that he didn't realize he had an audience listening raptly to his playing. The person walked slowly to the front row of the benches and sat down quietly to prevent disturbing the music.
A series of loud claps suddenly rang among the quiet of the hall, effectively breaking him out of his reverie as he snapped his eyes open and swiveled around to find the source of the sound. To his utmost surprise, his eyes settled on Lu Han, who sat at the front row bench with a slightly dazed look on his face.
"What are you- How did- I mean, why are you here?" Yixing stumbled over the question; his hands flitting from the piano's keys, to his knees, to the back of his neck, and back down to his knees, conveying his discomfort.
"I followed you?" Lu Han replied, with little shame, as if stalking someone was a normal occurrence and an acceptable act of an upright citizen. "I came to school early to pick up some study guides and talked with the instructors," he shrugged. "I had no idea you could play like that." The awe that was clear in his voice as well as his facial expression had Yixing squirming in his seat.
"Where're your music sheets?" Lu Han asked curiously while approaching the stage. Yixing glanced back at the piano lid nervously and when he looked at Lu Han again, the boy had already sat down beside him on the piano bench.
"I don't use any," Yixing answered reluctantly; as unwilling as he was to make conversation, he didn't want to be rude either. "I can't read music so there's no point. I play by ear. Um, yeah." It usually took a lot more coaxing for Yixing to talk about his music but there was something in the way Lu Han looked at him, so earnest and admiring with unconcealed wonder, that he didn't mind letting his guard down, just a little.
"Are you some kind of a genius?" Lu Han half-joked with a smile, genuine enough that made him look younger than he usually did. It was a pretty and honest smile, one Yixing didn't see very often, which was a shame. This smile looked good on Lu Han's face.
"Just, don't tell anybody about this, okay?" Yixing said quietly and Lu Han laughed long and loud.
"Who would I tell? Shit. This is amazing. You are amazing." Yixing's ears burn and Lu Han's eyes were impossibly wide with utmost glee.
Lu Han just wouldn't leave him alone after that. Yixing unlocked his bicycle after class one day like usual and prepared to cycle home, but when he got on, Lu Han suddenly jumped up behind him on the bicycle out of nowhere. Yixing shrieked and almost dropped them both.
"Come on!" Lu Han urged, voice very loud and very excited, causing Yixing to wince. "Let's go home!"
Yixing let out an unintelligent what? because seriously what?, but Lu Han didn't seem to care whether Yixing was reluctant to comply to his demand or not, as he tugged on the latter's sleeve.
"Your house, come on!" Lu Han reiterated with no less enthusiasm, leaving little room for argument, so Yixing rode the bicycle back home. Lu Han took Yixing's backpack and carried it on his shoulder along with his own, hands tapping softly on Yixing's shoulders to the inconsistent beats he was humming under his breath.
There was a single beanbag chair in Yixing's room and as old and deflated as it was he kept it for sentimental value, tucked away in a corner. Lu Han spent a long minute upon his first arrival just staring at the tired looking beanbag with a blank expression before transferring said blank expression to Yixing, his eyebrows rising in silent question.
"What?" Yixing poked indignantly. "I like it, stop looking at me like that," he said defensively. He had bought the chair from a flea market summers ago with his grandmother, which had admittedly looked a lot better all those years ago. They had lugged it up on his bicycle and spent the whole afternoon pushing it up-hill as the glaring sun had beaten down hard on Yixing's burned neck and the smell of freshly bloomed tangerine flower drifted along in the air. Yixing's grandmother passed away last year and every time he saw the tragic piece of furniture he couldn't help but be reminded of her, of her dry fingers on his cheek, and of her quiet murmur with his mother from the back of the kitchen. The beanbag chair had its meaning. It had its value.
"You are very sentimental," Lu Han said with a fond smile. Yixing detected a hint of teasing in Lu Han's voice so he scoffed and said, "I'm sure you have lots of sentimental keepsakes too."
Lu Han made a noncommittal humming sound before answering, "We didn't take much when we moved." The sentence itself didn't reveal much, but the way that Lu Han said it, unexpectedly crisp and detached, suggested the subject had been dropped. Lu Han sat down gingerly on the bed, kicking his legs back and forth while looking around the room with mild interest.
Yixing had no idea why Lu Han was here.
Lu Han seemed to have a habit of speaking into silences, or so Yixing had decided. There would be long lulls of silence between them before the taller teen would suddenly open his mouth again.
"I think you should finish that song," Lu Han said finally, fingers picking idly at the blue comforter over Yixing's unmade bed. "The one you played with the piano yesterday." He elaborated when Yixing said nothing in return.
It wasn't that Yixing did not know which song Lu Han was talking about, being it the only song he played in Lu Han's presence, albeit unknowingly. But it was the fact that anyone at all had heard him played and even worse remembered it that made Yixing uncomfortable. It was supposed to be a secret―a hobby that he wasn't sharing. Besides, he wasn't even very good at playing and he certainly had no intention of letting anyone else hear his fingers fumble across the piano keys. Having Lu Han paying any interest in it brought up an indescribable anxiety Yixing tried to prevent in the first place.
"Why are you so interested in this all of the sudden? It's not like you've been interested in anything since you arrived here," Yixing pointed out and then abruptly snapped his mouth shut when he realized that the statement might imply some level of observation he might or might not have over Lu Han.
"Have you been watching me?" Lu Han asked with squinted eyes, his voice a tad taken back. Yixing felt himself turning red.
"No, of course not!" Yixing returned hotly, looking everywhere but Lu Han himself.
Lu Han seemed skeptic but he let it slide. He turned his attention back to the comforter, but his voice rang clear when he spoke.
"Everyone else is boring," he said. "They all watch the same shows, talk about the same thing, act the same way. It's like they can't even bother to stand out and be themselves. But you," Lu Han paused, scooting closer, face so close his nose almost bumped touched Yixing's, exhaled soft and warm against Yixing's cheeks, before continuing. "You are very strange."
"I'm not strange." Yixing denied as he tried to hold Lu Han's unyielding gaze. It was hard, especially when the latter was this close he could practically counted his eyelashes. The proximity was unnerving and Yixing wanted his personal space back; Lu Han didn't seem willing to comply.
"Maybe," Lu Han breathed. "But it doesn't make you any less interesting." His wide doe eyes twinkled with something Yixing couldn't quite decipher.
They became inseparable, or at least the way Lu Han attached himself to Yixing's side suggested some level of inseparable, enough to make their classmates noticed. Yixing wasn't used to all of the attention he, as of late, had been receiving, so it was only natural that he withdrew himself to the safe sanctuary of the auditorium whenever he had the chance. Lu Han, being immune to Yixing's little frowns, trailed after him with even footsteps and a small smile in his eyes.
"I should play guitar," Lu Han said one day while balancing the ball on the flat of his foot. Yixing took out his left earbud, a faint Chinese pop song drifted statically from the headpiece attached to the old MP3 player like white noise in the background. He blinked at Lu Han before asking him to repeat himself. Lu Han shook his head in exasperation before repeating, "I said I should play guitar."
"What brought this on again?" Yixing asked tiredly because it was only yesterday that Lu Han told him, mouth stuffed with strawberry cake, that he would like to learn the art of juggling.
"So you and I could play together one day, of course," Lu Han answered flippantly, abandoning the soccer ball and abruptly depositing himself right next to Yixing. The weather was getting warmer. It was the only explanation why Yixing felt the heat creeping up behind his neck, because it definitely had nothing to do with the close proximity between his and Lu Han's thighs, body heat flaring in the space between their shoulders; or how every time Lu Han exhaled, it tickled Yixing's bangs.
"Yeah, of course. Silly me," Yixing answered weakly. He handed Lu Han the other earbuds when Lu Han made grabby hands at it; JJ Lin's song playing cozily between them like a blanket made out of cotton candy, the acoustic guitar sounding somewhere far, far away and incredibly sweet.
They were at Yixing's house―Lu Han claimed it was more convenient than his place―with their suppose-to-be-finished math homework scattered across the floor, long forgotten as the boys curled up against the foot of Yixing's bed. Outside, the rain still hadn't let up after continuously pouring down for hours already. The morning weather forecast had said this might be the last rain of the season.
Lu Han rested his head on top of his knees while Yixing strummed a few chords absentmindedly on his guitar―the beloved, well used Tanglewood TW28 Yixing bought with his own money when he was fifteen. Even at Lu Han’s constant persistence, Yixing had yet to become comfortable with playing music for his friend and to say Yixing was still self-conscious was an understatement, but Lu Han had his eyes closed, so Yixing tried to pretend he wasn't listening.
"Play me something," Lu Han asked suddenly, voice soft and hushed. Yixing looked down at his hand holding the old scratch-ridden guitar pick for a brief moment before thinking fuck it and starting to play the first song that came to mind. It turned out to be 雨下一整晚.
The melodies glided smoothly, almost harmonizing with the music of the rains hitting steadily on the pavement and the roman tile roofs. Neither boy had bothered to close the windows because even though they didn't particularly like the constant mist of the rain the wind brought in, they hated the stuffy damp air more.
The rain played along with the chorus and this, this was the tranquility and stillness Yixing sought to preserve; when everything was slow and untangled and uncomplicated, when everything was easy to understand.
Lu Han sang softly, and before Yixing had realized it, he had sung along to the sound of his guitar as well.
"You have a beautiful voice," Yixing said as the song drew to a close, and Lu Han tried to hide his embarrassed smile because even though Lu Han gave compliment freely, he wasn't particularly good at receiving them gracefully. It was nice to see Lu Han blushed for a change. The tips of Lu Han's ears turned red; Yixing found him surprisingly endearing.
Lu Han hid his face between his knees and mumbled into the fabric of his pants.
"What did you just say?" Yixing prodded and Lu Han merely grumbled back. The laughter this evoked from Yixing surprised even himself, though Lu Han really was being ridiculous. "Oh, come on. You embarrass me all the time. Just accept the compliment and move on," he chided with a smile.
"Lend me your guitar," Lu Han repeated in a louder voice. Yixing put down his guitar and crawled across his floor to Lu Han. He pried Lu Han's hands off of his face and ignored Lu Han's struggles to tug his hands back out of Yixing's grasp.
"If you take my guitar, what will I use to finish the song?" Yixing murmured, though he had no worries concerning finishing the song in the near future. He looked quizzically at Lu Han who still refused to meet his eyes.
Lu Han was quiet for another moment and it wasn't till his wide unblinking eyes swiveled around to meet Yixing's did the latter realize the closeness between their faces. Yixing pulled back awkwardly and shuffled back over to his spot by his bed, his Tanglewood laid strings-down on the parquet floor, forgotten.
"I'll give you a keyboard tomorrow," Lu Han uttered at last. "Just lend me your guitar." And surprisingly, Yixing did. He handed his beloved guitar over to Lu Han as the boy excused himself home after dinner, a tupperwear full of leftover in his backpack.
"I'll get you a keyboard tomorrow. I promise," Lu Han swore with a quick squeeze of Yixing's hand, before he waved goodbye at the doorway. Yixing smiled, expression tight with worry for his beloved guitar, before closing the door against the late-spring rain.
Still, the next day, Yixing was surprised to open his front door to see a sweaty, flushed-faced Lu Han with an old Yamaha keyboard attached to his back; he really hadn't expected anything to come from his friend’s promise.
"Where did you get that?" Yixing gaped as he took the keyboard from the blond. Lu Han collapsed on the sofa as he wearily explained that an exchanged university student in his apartment complex had happily let him take it off her hands.
"She's going back to Korea so I asked her if I could have it," Lu Han clarified while Yixing's mother set out a plate of sliced pear for the boys, which they both accepted with smiles. "Some wooing and acting cute might be involved, but I'm not at liberty to say," Lu Han teased around a mouthful of pear.
"You're impossible," Yixing responded in disbelief, eyeing the keyboard leaning on the far wall with wonder. Lu Han merely smirked after finishing the entire plate by himself, his expression smug and proud.
Their tentative friendship blossomed just as the locust trees scattered their white flowers along the streets. Yixing learned that while Lu Han was brazen and sometimes a little loud, he was also funny, honest and carefree. He found himself happy to have the companionship; Yixing hadn't smiled this much in a long time.
They soon started hanging out with each other at school and after school, even meeting up before school to go in together. On weekends they rode Yixing's bicycle to nowhere in particular, Lu Han was always eager to go somewhere, though rarely specified where he wanted to go.
One week day morning, in fact, Lu Han expressed a desire to go on another adventure and instead of arguing that they had classes to go to, Yixing found himself unlocking his bicycle from the school parking lot and peddling hard because indulging Lu Han had become second nature to him by now.
Humoring Lu Han also resulted in Yixing skipping school, for no reason other than that he could, for the first time in forever.
Spring was kind but she was going to give way to summer soon, the sweat slowly trickling from Yixing's temple was evidence of the heat. Whilst he didn't dislike summer, the heat wave the change in season brought on was unnecessary in Yixing's opinion. It was always just too much. Lu Han's tight grip on the both of his shoulders wasn't doing anything to help against the steadily increasing heat either.
Yixing puffed as he rode harder, until they had cycled way past the city and there was nothing but miles and miles of grassy fields on both side of the bumpy dirt track. Yixing steered off the dirt road when his legs burned and he couldn't paddle anymore, and the momentum rode them right into the endless field; Lu Han's laughter sounding somewhere far off, a sound that Yixing found contagious as he laughed along with him, lively, exciting and free.
The grass was tall enough to wade through, tall enough that it came up to their waists but Yixing had no qualms against the itchiness as he laid down on the ground, pillowing his head on both of his arms, gazing up at the clear blue sky. From here he could spot the high voltage post not far away from them; the silver metallic reflected the sunlight, shining bright like a beacon. Lu Han lied down next to him a breath later, mimicking his posture with his eyes closed.
"Wouldn't it be great if we could go anywhere we wanted to?" Lu Han mused loudly from somewhere above Yixing's left ear.
"Where do you want to go?" Yixing responded, enjoying the slight breeze that cooled his cheeks and ruffled his hair. Out in the more rural area, the heat didn't seem as bad, maybe it was the pollution and the sheer amount of people constantly bustling around that made the heat stifling in the city. Lu Han fidgeted beside him with a restlessness that Yixing identified as a personal trait. The boy was constantly in motion; tapping his foot to a beat that no one else could hear, drumming his fingers on any given surface when he was bored, wide eyes flitting here and there distractedly. Yixing had never seen him be still for longer than a couple of minutes or two.
Lu Han was doing that thing again, the one where he spoke into silences. Yixing counted one, two, three, four, five quietly in his head, and when he reached ten Lu Han spoke again. "Does it matter?" he countered.
Yixing looked at Lu Han and found that the other boy had already been watching him. Lu Han eyelashes were long; they cast two pools of shadow underneath both of his eyelids. Yixing found him strangely beautiful.
Yixing shifted his gaze and looked back to the sky, concealing his emotional confusion with cloud watching. Today was a beautiful day, he mused inwardly, maybe he should skip classes more often. It wasn't like he particularly enjoyed studying anyway. Lu Han was quiet, but Yixing knew the blond was still watching him with those hooded eyes of his. It was strange, Lu Han being like this: quiet, mellow, subdued. Yixing didn't know what to make of it, but it didn't sit well with him; this Lu Han felt like a stranger.
"Will you come with me?" Lu Han asked softly, voice muted and small. He turned his body to face Yixing, resting his head in the crook of his arm, face passive. He looked alien to Yixing, fragile and demure, and yet, he was still Lu Han in a sense that he was always pushing, always looking for a reaction. Yixing didn't understand why he could sense that something was wrong; why he felt like there was a mental alarm sounding off inside of his head.
"I- I guess?" Yixing answered tentatively. Lu Han looked at him imploringly for a long while before letting out an amused huff.
"Liar." Lu Han finally laughed. He picked up a handful of grass and threw them at Yixing who shrieked and rolled away with a yelp.
"Like hell you would," Lu Han continued as he threw more grass at Yixing who sat up to avoid getting them in his mouth. Lu Han's laughter rang loud and clear and he looked ridiculous with his mouth hanging wide open. Yixing wasn't thinking about it, not at all, but he leaned in, or perhaps it was Lu Han who leaned up, and their lips touched delicately somewhere along the way―a moment of time lapsing because both of them were too stunned to even breathe. And then Lu Han exhaled softly, mouth slightly parted, and Yixing clumsily tilted his head and slanted their lips together.
Their first kiss tasted like hesitation, a flustered stomach and excitement. It tasted like marmalade jam Lu Han had on his toast for breakfast and the strong tea Yixing had drank. It tasted like the G-sharp key of the school's old piano that sounded way off and the meowing beckon of the stray cat Lu Han secretly fed behind the school gym. To Yixing, it tasted a lot like love.
The wind picked up the discarded grass and carried them high into the vast blue sky. Yixing sat still, not opening his eyes until Lu Han tugged gently at his hand and suggested that they should probably head home.
They didn't talk about the kiss. Or Lu Han didn't talk about the kiss. He acted like nothing had happened, which was fine by Yixing because he himself had no idea what to think of it, either. Still, every time Lu Han hummed along to the song they were listening to, the shared earbuds stretched from Yixing's left ear to Lu Han's right, Yixing's chest felt tight with emotion. Yixing didn't talk about the kiss, either, but he thought about it all the time.
"Why won't you do it seriously?" Lu Han asked one afternoon when they skipped PE class to hang around in the deserted auditorium. They had Allen Su's song playing on loop for a while now, long enough that Yixing faltered when Lu Han broke the silence unexpectedly. Yixing blinked, thinking fleetingly what? The kiss?―a memory of the warm sun on his shoulder blades and soft lips pressed against his own flitted through his mind though he was loath to bring it up and waited for Lu Han to elaborate. Lu Han took the MP3 player from Yixing's hand and turned it off; the silence of the auditorium seemed very loud all of the sudden.
"Your music," Lu Han explained as he took the earbud out of Yixing's ear and scooted closer, legs folded awkwardly beneath his body. "You want to take it seriously, don't you?"
Oh. Right. Yixing fought to keep the disappointment off his face. His music. Honestly, Yixing didn't know if he wanted to take it seriously or not. He liked playing his guitar and that grand piano well enough, he supposed, but he'd never really considered making, say a career, out of it or anything. Yixing didn't know if he had enough will power or potential to do so, as far as he was concerned it was just a hobby.
"What do you want to do, Lu Han?" Yixing asked, half afraid he wouldn't get a reply. Lu Han hardly shared anything personal. It was like he built a fortress and only allowed people to peak in on some of the rooms; Yixing wanted to explore the whole facility if Lu Han would just let him.
Lu Han contemplated for a moment, the pause elongated as if he couldn't choose between options, but when he answered, it was with confidence. "A soccer player," Lu Han said. "And a magician; a soccer player who perform magic shows at half time."
Yixing laughed with disbelief. "Is that even possible?" he queried.
"You wouldn't know unless you try." Lu Han shrugged with a conviction of only someone who had been thinking about this for quite some time now. And for once, maybe Yixing wanted to try, too.
Yixing had to stay late to make up for skipping so many classes in the past month. Lu Han, the mischievous little runt, feigned some chronicle sickness and got the school nurse to vouch for him just because he was new. So he got off easy while Yixing got lumbered with the extra load of work.
Suddenly Yixing's phone buzzed. He surreptitiously checked the new message in his inbox, wary of the teacher who was keeping an eye on him. I'll be waiting at the traffic light. You won't miss me! Lu Han's text was not very informative. There were hundreds of traffic lights in this town alone. Yixing had no idea which traffic light Lu Han was referring to.
Or maybe he did.
Yixing lived in the upper part of the town whereas Lu Han lived in the central area. They would go home together, Yixing riding his bicycle with Lu Han in the passenger seat, a fifteen minute-long ride if he peddled constantly. They usually parted ways right around that one traffic light, where Yixing bid goodbye to Lu Han and Lu Han jokingly punched him in the shoulder. That must have been the traffic light Lu Han was talking about.
Yixing blurted out something about being needed at home and got the hell out of there in a blink of an eye, his backpack slung high over his shoulder before the guilt of lying to a teacher could set in.
It took Yixing twelve minutes to get to the traffic light this time, the dusk set leisurely in the background as he rode, the sun sinking behind tall buildings.
Lu Han was already waiting across the street when he arrived, Yixing's earphones stuffed in his ears, lost to the world. He looked lonely, Yixing thought, and distant.
Yixing was vaguely in awe of the magnified shadows surrounding them. He wondered, at this distance, from this point of view, were they at least on the same ground? Lu Han always seemed a bit further away, a little unobtainable, floating along like the free spirit that he was. He pondered over whether or not they would ever be on the same page. Perhaps if Lu Han yielded a little bit more, or Yixing gave in a little bit less, almost, almost-
Lu Han was standing just across the street but he felt very, very far away; with hands in his school pants' pockets and rocking on the balls of his feet. He looked over, and when he saw Yixing, he smiled wide and waved. Lu Han was waiting for Yixing, just a traffic light away, yet the distance between them stretched on like an endless shadow. The wavelength spanned the length of the horizon
Like this, they were just fellow classmates hanging out together after school―nothing more, nothing less.
Why did it have to be less?
As if sensing Yixing's conflict, even from all the way across the road, Lu Han scrunched up his eyebrows in confusion and shouted, "Yixing? What's wrong?"
Yixing's throat clamped up tight, even his own body was rejecting the words that came to his mind. He looked at the traffic light and he waited, waited for the green light to turn yellow, turn red, turn away, turn to something else.
"I don't think I can do this anymore, Lu Han," Yixing mouthed the words as he still couldn't get is vocal chords to cooperate. The blond's eyes met his, and Yixing willed his gaze to be firm, to grip Lu Han and clutch Lu Han to himself, to melt and weld Lu Han to his mind, to mold them together.
Yixing cleared his throat and smiled, tried to smile because what else could he do?
"I don't think I can do this anymore, Lu Han," He said out loud, his tiny voice drowned out by the roaring of speedy cars passed by right and left. People chattered excitedly around him, waiting for the traffic light to turn green, but Yixing had never felt more alone. Lu Han didn't hear him. He didn't blame Lu Han.
Lu Han tilted his head in confusion, and was hastily crossing over as the light gave way to a go sign, left hand reaching out, stretching high, and landing on top of Yixing's head.
"Sometimes I can't understand you at all, Yixing," he teased with a smile. Yixing laughed in response because, really, if he didn't laugh he would probably end up saying something he would regret.
"Let's go for a burger," Yixing choked out, "is what I said," because he was a coward. Lu Han smiled the softest smile Yixing had ever seen, and the stupid stomach butterflies it caused had Yixing reeling. It made him feel like something as mundane as going for a burger meant something more than it should have, but at the same time maybe it didn't. He could never be too sure where he stood when it came to Lu Han.
"Yeah. Okay," Lu Han agreed, taking the bicycle from Yixing and pushing it slowly across the intersection. Yixing followed Lu Han with his eyes for a blink or two before jogging after him, pace slowing down once he reached Lu Han's side. They went to the fast food joint at the mall, chatting away over greasy burgers and fries until late into the night; Lu Han providing the commentary about people passing by as Yixing sat and giggled at his observations.
It was as if nothing had changed; no difference between this and all the other evenings they'd spent together. Nothing had changed at all.
(II/II)
Note: 雨下一整晚 or 'It Rains All Night' is Jay Chou's song. If you're curious to what this song is like, this might help. (Please wait till around 0:20 for the song to start.)