I read that article. It's pretty much a random collection of not very interesting anecdotes-I don't even disagree with the idea that too much coddling can make people a little awkward, but it was poorly argued and a bit whiny itself.
I think a lot of what we get all worked up about can be summed up with the phrase, "It's not that complicated." The most well-behaved, well-adjusted kids I've known have all been raised, for the most part, like little adults. When we get obsessed with what we should "never" or "always" do, we forget that these are just young people. That's it.
And yeah, sometimes you want input on what the kid wants for dinner. Sometimes you're exhausted, and what's available and easy is what you're making. Sometimes a kid loses the game and takes it especially hard, and you comfort him or her more than you would most other times. (Related: I hate "gold star for trying" parenting. It doesn't even remotely mimic real life.)
The world is crazy, and silly, and sometimes shitty and sometimes astounding. Our kids see that just as much as we do. These articles that rant and rave about what to "focus" on are, in my opinion, missing the point.
I think the real issue here has nothing to do with parenting itself and everything to do with the fact that we as Americans seem incapable of understanding that we DO NOT CONTROL THE UNIVERSE. We seem to be in this fucking bubble where we believe that if we eat things with the exact right nutrients and work out three times a week we won't die, if we scientifically manage our births bad outcomes will never happen, and if we make the right choices we can create perfect children. We seem to be predisposed as a culture to denying that life is not about those kind of guarantees, and that's part of the point (and the joy) of it.
"We seem to be predisposed as a culture to denying that life is not about those kind of guarantees, and that's part of the point (and the joy) of it."
I really like the way that is put--that's exactly it, I think. I posted about this same article at my blog a few days ago to get my head wrapped around it. If you're familiar with Lori Gottlieb's writing (and Catherine Flannigan's too, for that matter), you know you have to take it with a grain of salt. Her articles are meant to be thought-proving and controversial... and they truly succeed at this. I think the article was very cogent and well-argued in fact, and I get the whole connection between early childhood development and later teen years. Yes, it's a bit simplistic due to the fact that there are tons of factors to one's upbringing (including community, school, peers, life experience, etc.) so you can't really isolate one factor and say "that's the culprit!" But at the core of the article, I believe it's true that we probably over-indulge and over-think the whole parenting thing
( ... )
Well, yes and no in my opinion. I think mindful parenting is important. And I don't think most people overthink it. In fact, I think too few people ACTUALLY overthink their ACTUAL parenting practices and their reverberations. We are consumers of parenting advice, gear, etc -- but that's not actually the same as being mindful in my opinion. We get into "wars" over baby strollers versus baby carriers but most people still speak to their kids in ways that they would never speak to any other human in their life. We coddle children but give them no real agency either. I guess I would say I think there is too much overindulging and *under*thinking about the core stuff that actually matters. Too much micromanaging and too little thinking about how parenting is actually about giving and modeling TOOLS children can use to manage themselves.
Totally agreed! Mindful parenting is SO important--but there is a fine line between "mindful" and "indulging"/"micromanaging." And I think that's what Gottlieb is attempting to get at... Children don't need to be soothed for every little thing because it only makes them grumpy in the grand scheme of things.
A side note: I can't imagine spending regular work time with under twenty-five clients, probably in part because I was one of them just a few years ago. They're another group I want to grab and say, "It's not that complicated!" to.
I do already find child raising to be at least as rewarding as I've always found my work to be. More challenging, too, which I expect will be far more rewarding in the long run. I think of career success as a more short term investment. Work on something for a day/month/year... get results. Parenting is definitely more marathon. For me, I find that running the marathon (so far, anyhow! I'm a newb!) is teaching me a thing or three about practicing humility, patience, and kindness.
For what it's worth, I have a ton of madly successful type A clients who rule their roost, are masters of their business, and have strong families to show for all their efforts. I don't know how they do it, honestly, I much prefer to work part time.
As for organizing and cleaning, I'm learning to loosen up about that stuff. I can't have a job, run a perfect house, and not be resentful. Shabby chic with lots of takeout will have to do around here.
wow. i got a whole different take on the article, but i just wanted to take away what i could use from it.
the thing i took away was that i didn't have to be perfect - just to love my kid and do what i thought was best. it is a good lesson for me in my life right now.
haha - maybe i was just reading it from a different angle and that's what i wanted/needed to take away from it.
I think that I'm just especially sensitive to more articles that talk about what a parent did wrong to land her kid in therapy. I think it's part of the whole overparenting problem! With articles like this, all the books, all the rules (which are often completely divergent)- it's enough to make parenting itself anxiety inducing.
I think that when one loves her kid and does what she thinks is best, it's all good. =)
Comments 22
Reply
Reply
This.
I think a lot of what we get all worked up about can be summed up with the phrase, "It's not that complicated." The most well-behaved, well-adjusted kids I've known have all been raised, for the most part, like little adults. When we get obsessed with what we should "never" or "always" do, we forget that these are just young people. That's it.
And yeah, sometimes you want input on what the kid wants for dinner. Sometimes you're exhausted, and what's available and easy is what you're making. Sometimes a kid loses the game and takes it especially hard, and you comfort him or her more than you would most other times. (Related: I hate "gold star for trying" parenting. It doesn't even remotely mimic real life.)
The world is crazy, and silly, and sometimes shitty and sometimes astounding. Our kids see that just as much as we do. These articles that rant and rave about what to "focus" on are, in my opinion, missing the point.
Reply
Reply
Reply
I really like the way that is put--that's exactly it, I think. I posted about this same article at my blog a few days ago to get my head wrapped around it. If you're familiar with Lori Gottlieb's writing (and Catherine Flannigan's too, for that matter), you know you have to take it with a grain of salt. Her articles are meant to be thought-proving and controversial... and they truly succeed at this. I think the article was very cogent and well-argued in fact, and I get the whole connection between early childhood development and later teen years. Yes, it's a bit simplistic due to the fact that there are tons of factors to one's upbringing (including community, school, peers, life experience, etc.) so you can't really isolate one factor and say "that's the culprit!" But at the core of the article, I believe it's true that we probably over-indulge and over-think the whole parenting thing ( ... )
Reply
Reply
Oh and hi NYC person! I just added you :)
Reply
Reply
Reply
For what it's worth, I have a ton of madly successful type A clients who rule their roost, are masters of their business, and have strong families to show for all their efforts. I don't know how they do it, honestly, I much prefer to work part time.
As for organizing and cleaning, I'm learning to loosen up about that stuff. I can't have a job, run a perfect house, and not be resentful. Shabby chic with lots of takeout will have to do around here.
Reply
the thing i took away was that i didn't have to be perfect - just to love my kid and do what i thought was best. it is a good lesson for me in my life right now.
haha - maybe i was just reading it from a different angle and that's what i wanted/needed to take away from it.
hope you and nico and your hubby are thriving. xo
Reply
I think that when one loves her kid and does what she thinks is best, it's all good. =)
Reply
Leave a comment