"World Domination Is Harder Than It Looks"
Aaaand, the second story in honor of too_rational's birth.
Title: World Domination Is Harder Than It Looks
Author: kellifer_fic
Rating: PG
Fandom: RPS, Jensen/Jared
Wordcount: 1,500
Warnings: None
Summary: Jensen Ackles is an alien and Jared is hell-bent on cuddling exposing him for what he is.
Notes: High School AU if, y'know, Jensen was an alien, Jared was his nemesis and Chad Michael Murray was a dysfunctional robot.
There are certain things that Jared Padalecki just knows.
He knows that his mother makes the best apple and cherry pie that was ever created. He knows that his older sister is evil incarnate. He knows that his father is the greatest inventor slash scientist in the world and he will be some day as well.
He knows Jensen Ackles is an alien.
It's not that he just thinks Jensen is an alien, there is actual proof. It's proof that the single-cell organisms that call themselves his classmates ignore but it's there all the same. For one thing, he lives in a house with metallic tentacles. Jared has tried to take a sample of the metal to find out exactly what kind of alien compound it is but the robotic killer garden gnomes kicked him out of the front yard.
Number two is that there are robotic killer garden gnomes.
Number three is that Jared is pretty sure that Jensen's "parents", and he uses the term very loosely, are robots and not very good ones. He's pretty sure Jensen's dad's arms are made out of old broom handles.
The fourth thing, the most important thing that puts Jensen's non-human heritage in the category of fact rather than mere speculation is that Jensen has green skin.
Green skin.
Jensen tells everyone that it's a skin condition that he's very sensitive about so they all look at Jared like he's a monster when he points out with detailed graphs just why that is ludicrous. Jensen has this way of slumping small and looking pathetic that makes him seem almost harmless that fools everyone except Jared.
Then there's Chad.
Chad is apparently Jensen's little brother but he's extremely twitchy and has a large silver zipper down his front no matter what shirt he's wearing. It looks almost as if Chad could unzip his chest and step out of the human skin he's in.
Plus, nobody likes cupcakes that much.
Chad also always has his tongue poking out the side of his mouth and talks without moving his lips. Again, Jensen has a handy excuse, explaining that Chad suffers from terrible lock-jaw but it's all a bit hinky.
Jared knows he has to be patient. If he is going to be the world's leading scientist that knows everything about everything he'll have to go slowly, build a rock-solid case and expose Jensen for what he really is.
Then he'll make kajillions of dollars writing the book about it.
The highlight of Jared's day is day dreaming about who will play him in the movie.
***
Taking over the Earth would go a lot more smoothly if it wasn't for Jared Padalecki.
Jensen sits in his underground lab and stews about it, flipping through his scrapbook of "Jared Padalecki Dying Horribly Ideas". He carries the scrapbook around wherever he goes now because you never know when inspiration will hit you.
"What'cha doin?" Chad asks, popping over Jensen's chair so his face is upside down and way to close to Jensen's own.
"Working," Jensen snaps, shoving at Chad who slides bonelessly from his perch and hits the floor face down. He merely rolls over and stares at the ceiling for a while.
The Combat Hybrid Automated Device is supposed to be the latest in technology but Jensen is starting to suspect that maybe the Tallests passed him a lemon. This feeling gets stronger as he glances down at the floor to see Chad rolling from side to side, humming mindlessly.
The morons he's surrounded by are really starting to impinge on his genius.
What the most annoying thing about Jared Padalecki, apart from his yen to expose Jensen as the alien that he admittedly is, is that he's very, very tall. Jensen has something inside him, deep down, a genetic imperative to try to please those that are taller than him. It's not his fault that his societal hierarchy is based on height and that the leaders of his people are always the tallest . There's a great ceremony called The Measuring they undertake each pass of the cycle and Jared would have certainly been up there with a chance.
Hell, the current leadership is barely taller than him.
Speaking of the current leadership, the large screen in front of him blinks to life and he suddenly finds himself being peered at by the Tallests themselves, Mike and Christian.
He really thinks Christian wears lifts because he's got a tiny body and then disproportionately long legs and he refuses to wear shorts whenever they have ceremonial pool parties.
"How are you progressing?" Mike asks, trying to look ominous but he has a smear of something on his cheek, possibly chocolate and Jensen is really not feeling the same kind of loyalty he once did.
"I have a number of projects underway."
"Really? We're getting reports from your section that most have already taken over their planets. What's the hold up?" Christian demands haughtily.
"Like who?"
"Daneel has wiped out all indigenous life on Preak," Mike sniffs.
"The indigenous life on Preak were about as smart as mung beans and also looked like mung beans... I think they were mung beans," Jensen gripes.
No one else got an assignment on a planet populated by creatures that could, you know, fight back.
Or had Jared Padalecki.
It really was unfair.
"You have three more of your earth weeks to make some real progress before we reassign you," Christian intones and the screen winks out.
Jensen shakes himself, wondering how he got so offtrack from his original purpose of secluding himself in his lab. He was supposed to be concentrating on finding new ways to enslave the human race and at the same time make sure Jared Padalecki fell off a cliff onto a pile of razor sharp rocks and be eaten by wolves.
***
"I think you like him."
"What?" Jared splutters, staring at Misha over his bologna shake. Jared always likes coming down to the Bologna Shack to try out his theories on Misha Collins because for a fast-food employee, Misha is extremely perceptive and intelligent. He is usually receptive to Jared's wackier theories and always has some kind of insight.
This though? Completely wrong.
"What are you talking about?" Jared squeaks.
"I think you're very young and you are desperate for his attention. To you, any attention is good attention, no matter how negative it really is."
"You're insane."
"I'm not actually. I have a certificate and everything," Misha says primly and ducks behind his counter. There's the noise of rustling and then Misha reappears holding a very official looking certificate with a gold-leaf stamp and everything. It says, This is to certify that Misha Collins is completely sane. "People kept calling me crazy so I went and got something notified."
"Well, you're mistaken then," Jared says. "Got a certificate under there telling me you're never wrong?"
"Oh, I'm definitely wrong sometimes, just not about this."
Jared throws up his hands to signify his abject frustration at the ludicrousness of Misha's assertions but now...
Now he's starting to think about it.
Jared tries to think about Jensen objectively, from a non-alien-mortal-enemy viewpoint and he has to admit, for a green-skinned creature from another planet, Jensen is definitely very nice looking. He might even be the very nice looking that Jared usually goes for. He has green eyes a couple of shades darker than his skin and Jared has stared into them a time or two, but purely to discover if they are contacts and are hiding something completely hideous underneath.
Jared's mind skitters away from his idle contemplations and he shakes himself. "I don't care if you have a certificate," Jared huffs into his bologna shake. "I still think you're crazy."
***
Jensen is currently having an eerily similar conversation, just with a very different conversant.
"You loooooove him," Chad singsongs, dancing about the living room while Jensen sits on the couch and sullenly stares at the fifteen wide-screen television sets he's mounted. He meant to use them to monitor the neighborhood but Chad managed to hook up cable and now freaks out whenever Jensen tries to change the screens back to surveillance.
Chad is unhealthily obsessed with the Kendra show.
***
"Do you like me?" Jared demands, standing just outside the perimeter of Jensen's yard so as not to be trampled on by the gnomes.
"No, I hate you more than anyone on the planet," Jensen calls back. He's standing in his doorway with Chad nudging him in the back and making kissy noises.
"We're sworn enemies, right?" Jared says but now he sounds unsure and he's looking down at his feet and honest-to-god scuffing his toes in the dirt.
Jensen does not find it adorable.
"Absolutely," Jensen agrees but then rolls his eyes when Chad pokes him extra hard in the back. "But... Chad just made cupcakes and it would be a shame to waste them," he adds.
Jared looks up, a grin breaking on his face before he catches it and reels it back in to a scowl. "And it'd be a shame to waste an opportunity for important reconnaissance," Jared says quickly, scooting across Jensen's yard, eyeing the gnomes the entire time. Their eyes follow his progress but they don't move. "Hey, can I see your underground lab?"
"No!" Jensen snaps but when Jared pouts Jensen rolls his eyes.
"I'll think about it," he amends.
Additional Notes: So, this is basically J2 Invader Zim - a cartoon series that is centered on an alien invader named Zim from the planet Irk who is attempting to conquer the Earth. Zim's schemes are usually foiled by his mistakes, his hyperactive robot GIR, or by his arch-nemesis Dib, a paranormal enthusiast who goes to school with Zim and is one of the few characters aware of Zim's true identity.
What was I thinking, right??
Title: World Domination Is Harder Than It Looks
Author: kellifer_fic
Rating: PG
Fandom: RPS, Jensen/Jared
Wordcount: 1,500
Warnings: None
Summary: Jensen Ackles is an alien and Jared is hell-bent on cuddling exposing him for what he is.
Notes: High School AU if, y'know, Jensen was an alien, Jared was his nemesis and Chad Michael Murray was a dysfunctional robot.
There are certain things that Jared Padalecki just knows.
He knows that his mother makes the best apple and cherry pie that was ever created. He knows that his older sister is evil incarnate. He knows that his father is the greatest inventor slash scientist in the world and he will be some day as well.
He knows Jensen Ackles is an alien.
It's not that he just thinks Jensen is an alien, there is actual proof. It's proof that the single-cell organisms that call themselves his classmates ignore but it's there all the same. For one thing, he lives in a house with metallic tentacles. Jared has tried to take a sample of the metal to find out exactly what kind of alien compound it is but the robotic killer garden gnomes kicked him out of the front yard.
Number two is that there are robotic killer garden gnomes.
Number three is that Jared is pretty sure that Jensen's "parents", and he uses the term very loosely, are robots and not very good ones. He's pretty sure Jensen's dad's arms are made out of old broom handles.
The fourth thing, the most important thing that puts Jensen's non-human heritage in the category of fact rather than mere speculation is that Jensen has green skin.
Green skin.
Jensen tells everyone that it's a skin condition that he's very sensitive about so they all look at Jared like he's a monster when he points out with detailed graphs just why that is ludicrous. Jensen has this way of slumping small and looking pathetic that makes him seem almost harmless that fools everyone except Jared.
Then there's Chad.
Chad is apparently Jensen's little brother but he's extremely twitchy and has a large silver zipper down his front no matter what shirt he's wearing. It looks almost as if Chad could unzip his chest and step out of the human skin he's in.
Plus, nobody likes cupcakes that much.
Chad also always has his tongue poking out the side of his mouth and talks without moving his lips. Again, Jensen has a handy excuse, explaining that Chad suffers from terrible lock-jaw but it's all a bit hinky.
Jared knows he has to be patient. If he is going to be the world's leading scientist that knows everything about everything he'll have to go slowly, build a rock-solid case and expose Jensen for what he really is.
Then he'll make kajillions of dollars writing the book about it.
The highlight of Jared's day is day dreaming about who will play him in the movie.
***
Taking over the Earth would go a lot more smoothly if it wasn't for Jared Padalecki.
Jensen sits in his underground lab and stews about it, flipping through his scrapbook of "Jared Padalecki Dying Horribly Ideas". He carries the scrapbook around wherever he goes now because you never know when inspiration will hit you.
"What'cha doin?" Chad asks, popping over Jensen's chair so his face is upside down and way to close to Jensen's own.
"Working," Jensen snaps, shoving at Chad who slides bonelessly from his perch and hits the floor face down. He merely rolls over and stares at the ceiling for a while.
The Combat Hybrid Automated Device is supposed to be the latest in technology but Jensen is starting to suspect that maybe the Tallests passed him a lemon. This feeling gets stronger as he glances down at the floor to see Chad rolling from side to side, humming mindlessly.
The morons he's surrounded by are really starting to impinge on his genius.
What the most annoying thing about Jared Padalecki, apart from his yen to expose Jensen as the alien that he admittedly is, is that he's very, very tall. Jensen has something inside him, deep down, a genetic imperative to try to please those that are taller than him. It's not his fault that his societal hierarchy is based on height and that the leaders of his people are always the tallest . There's a great ceremony called The Measuring they undertake each pass of the cycle and Jared would have certainly been up there with a chance.
Hell, the current leadership is barely taller than him.
Speaking of the current leadership, the large screen in front of him blinks to life and he suddenly finds himself being peered at by the Tallests themselves, Mike and Christian.
He really thinks Christian wears lifts because he's got a tiny body and then disproportionately long legs and he refuses to wear shorts whenever they have ceremonial pool parties.
"How are you progressing?" Mike asks, trying to look ominous but he has a smear of something on his cheek, possibly chocolate and Jensen is really not feeling the same kind of loyalty he once did.
"I have a number of projects underway."
"Really? We're getting reports from your section that most have already taken over their planets. What's the hold up?" Christian demands haughtily.
"Like who?"
"Daneel has wiped out all indigenous life on Preak," Mike sniffs.
"The indigenous life on Preak were about as smart as mung beans and also looked like mung beans... I think they were mung beans," Jensen gripes.
No one else got an assignment on a planet populated by creatures that could, you know, fight back.
Or had Jared Padalecki.
It really was unfair.
"You have three more of your earth weeks to make some real progress before we reassign you," Christian intones and the screen winks out.
Jensen shakes himself, wondering how he got so offtrack from his original purpose of secluding himself in his lab. He was supposed to be concentrating on finding new ways to enslave the human race and at the same time make sure Jared Padalecki fell off a cliff onto a pile of razor sharp rocks and be eaten by wolves.
***
"I think you like him."
"What?" Jared splutters, staring at Misha over his bologna shake. Jared always likes coming down to the Bologna Shack to try out his theories on Misha Collins because for a fast-food employee, Misha is extremely perceptive and intelligent. He is usually receptive to Jared's wackier theories and always has some kind of insight.
This though? Completely wrong.
"What are you talking about?" Jared squeaks.
"I think you're very young and you are desperate for his attention. To you, any attention is good attention, no matter how negative it really is."
"You're insane."
"I'm not actually. I have a certificate and everything," Misha says primly and ducks behind his counter. There's the noise of rustling and then Misha reappears holding a very official looking certificate with a gold-leaf stamp and everything. It says, This is to certify that Misha Collins is completely sane. "People kept calling me crazy so I went and got something notified."
"Well, you're mistaken then," Jared says. "Got a certificate under there telling me you're never wrong?"
"Oh, I'm definitely wrong sometimes, just not about this."
Jared throws up his hands to signify his abject frustration at the ludicrousness of Misha's assertions but now...
Now he's starting to think about it.
Jared tries to think about Jensen objectively, from a non-alien-mortal-enemy viewpoint and he has to admit, for a green-skinned creature from another planet, Jensen is definitely very nice looking. He might even be the very nice looking that Jared usually goes for. He has green eyes a couple of shades darker than his skin and Jared has stared into them a time or two, but purely to discover if they are contacts and are hiding something completely hideous underneath.
Jared's mind skitters away from his idle contemplations and he shakes himself. "I don't care if you have a certificate," Jared huffs into his bologna shake. "I still think you're crazy."
***
Jensen is currently having an eerily similar conversation, just with a very different conversant.
"You loooooove him," Chad singsongs, dancing about the living room while Jensen sits on the couch and sullenly stares at the fifteen wide-screen television sets he's mounted. He meant to use them to monitor the neighborhood but Chad managed to hook up cable and now freaks out whenever Jensen tries to change the screens back to surveillance.
Chad is unhealthily obsessed with the Kendra show.
***
"Do you like me?" Jared demands, standing just outside the perimeter of Jensen's yard so as not to be trampled on by the gnomes.
"No, I hate you more than anyone on the planet," Jensen calls back. He's standing in his doorway with Chad nudging him in the back and making kissy noises.
"We're sworn enemies, right?" Jared says but now he sounds unsure and he's looking down at his feet and honest-to-god scuffing his toes in the dirt.
Jensen does not find it adorable.
"Absolutely," Jensen agrees but then rolls his eyes when Chad pokes him extra hard in the back. "But... Chad just made cupcakes and it would be a shame to waste them," he adds.
Jared looks up, a grin breaking on his face before he catches it and reels it back in to a scowl. "And it'd be a shame to waste an opportunity for important reconnaissance," Jared says quickly, scooting across Jensen's yard, eyeing the gnomes the entire time. Their eyes follow his progress but they don't move. "Hey, can I see your underground lab?"
"No!" Jensen snaps but when Jared pouts Jensen rolls his eyes.
"I'll think about it," he amends.
Additional Notes: So, this is basically J2 Invader Zim - a cartoon series that is centered on an alien invader named Zim from the planet Irk who is attempting to conquer the Earth. Zim's schemes are usually foiled by his mistakes, his hyperactive robot GIR, or by his arch-nemesis Dib, a paranormal enthusiast who goes to school with Zim and is one of the few characters aware of Zim's true identity.
What was I thinking, right??