(no subject)
my fish just died
As I look upon your face and form,
your beauty bright, your gaze so warm,
the most amazing things run through my mind.
But I fear my motivations
might incur some litigations
from the collective rage of womankind.
Now before I even start to flirt,
before my comments disconcert,
I'll run them by my legal retinue:
"Any words that may inflame her,
we will whip out a disclaimer
and she'll know exactly what you mean to do!"
So I offer from my soul and heart
and from their legal counterpart
this message of undying care and feeling.
I'll be as "PC" as I can
when I tell you of my plan
to fuck you 'til my spunk drips from the ceiling.
I really mean no disrespect
to your enlightened intellect
when I tell you I elect
to be amazingly intrusive
I'm so politically correct
and most impressively erect
and I'm beginning to suspect
the two are mutually exclusive
Oh, I want to live my greatest wish
and prong you 'til you start to squish
but I want to learn the lessons you can teach
Show me equality and trust
show me how to cure my lust
show me just how high your shrieking voice can reach.
You are a person, not a piece
or just a mindless, sexy squeeze
Your individual worth I recognize.
Your uniqueness I admire
as I pump with passion's fire
'Til white becomes the color of your eyes
I bend to kiss your tender lips
and run my hands across your hips
and take you far from any chaperone
And if you promise not to sue
I'll greet you in a rendezvous
and screw you 'til your sister starts to moan
How can I put my fantasies
into the proper legalese
and thus avoid more A.P.B.'s
for cops to start their dancing on my head
Each time I see you on your knees
I think I'm turning Japanese
I beat my brain to cottage cheese
to come up with the legal term for "bed".
Don't want to make you codependent,
don't want to be the new defendant
in this year's biggest sex harassment case
I'm dropping these romantic hints
that what I want is to convince
you that your rightful seat is on my face.
I know I can't be too demeaning
without some lawyers intervening
just because I think your ass is cute.
I simply wish to share my dreams
taken to their far extremes
and pray you don't decide to prosecute.
Finally, I hope that you will
please ignore your legal counsel
so we can get together and unite
Oh, won't you be my valentine
(or, failing that, my concubine)
I'll give you my full committment, for a night
My intentions are all sensual
as long as they're consensual
and in my own defense you all
must understand the message that I've sent
My offers confidential
are all inconsequential
and though it may sound pitiful
Whatever gets me laid is what I meant.
As I look upon your face and form,
your beauty bright, your gaze so warm,
the most amazing things run through my mind.
But I fear my motivations
might incur some litigations
from the collective rage of womankind.
Now before I even start to flirt,
before my comments disconcert,
I'll run them by my legal retinue:
"Any words that may inflame her,
we will whip out a disclaimer
and she'll know exactly what you mean to do!"
So I offer from my soul and heart
and from their legal counterpart
this message of undying care and feeling.
I'll be as "PC" as I can
when I tell you of my plan
to fuck you 'til my spunk drips from the ceiling.
I really mean no disrespect
to your enlightened intellect
when I tell you I elect
to be amazingly intrusive
I'm so politically correct
and most impressively erect
and I'm beginning to suspect
the two are mutually exclusive
Oh, I want to live my greatest wish
and prong you 'til you start to squish
but I want to learn the lessons you can teach
Show me equality and trust
show me how to cure my lust
show me just how high your shrieking voice can reach.
You are a person, not a piece
or just a mindless, sexy squeeze
Your individual worth I recognize.
Your uniqueness I admire
as I pump with passion's fire
'Til white becomes the color of your eyes
I bend to kiss your tender lips
and run my hands across your hips
and take you far from any chaperone
And if you promise not to sue
I'll greet you in a rendezvous
and screw you 'til your sister starts to moan
How can I put my fantasies
into the proper legalese
and thus avoid more A.P.B.'s
for cops to start their dancing on my head
Each time I see you on your knees
I think I'm turning Japanese
I beat my brain to cottage cheese
to come up with the legal term for "bed".
Don't want to make you codependent,
don't want to be the new defendant
in this year's biggest sex harassment case
I'm dropping these romantic hints
that what I want is to convince
you that your rightful seat is on my face.
I know I can't be too demeaning
without some lawyers intervening
just because I think your ass is cute.
I simply wish to share my dreams
taken to their far extremes
and pray you don't decide to prosecute.
Finally, I hope that you will
please ignore your legal counsel
so we can get together and unite
Oh, won't you be my valentine
(or, failing that, my concubine)
I'll give you my full committment, for a night
My intentions are all sensual
as long as they're consensual
and in my own defense you all
must understand the message that I've sent
My offers confidential
are all inconsequential
and though it may sound pitiful
Whatever gets me laid is what I meant.