213 Things Zack Can't Do
The 213 Things Skippy Zack Fair Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The U.S. Shinra Army
UPDATE (06/10/2007): New batch from icedark_elf includes # 108, 109, 111, 112 and 113 and can be found on InsaneJournal here.
1. Not allowed to watch Westpark when I'm supposed to be working. -- pegunicent
2. My proper military title is "SOLDIER First Class Fair" not "Princess Anastasia". -- pegunicent
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic. -- pegunicent
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair. -- pegunicent
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants. -- pegunicent
6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer. -- pegunicent
7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me. -- pegunicent
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters. -- pegunicent
9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”. -- icedark_elf
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time. -- pegunicent
11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party. -- pegunicent
12. Not allowed to join any militia. -- pegunicent
13. Not allowed to form any militia. -- pegunicent
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo. -- pegunicent
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!” -- icedark_elf
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”. -- pegunicent
17. God may not contradict any of my orders. -- pegunicent
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty. -- pegunicent
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right. -- pegunicent
20. Must not taunt the French Turks any more. -- pegunicent
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS. -- pegunicent
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”. -- pegunicent
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack. -- pegunicent
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true. -- pegunicent
25. Never confuse a terrorist for a Turk. -- pegunicent
26. Never tell a German Wutai soldier that “We kicked your ass in the War!” -- pegunicent
27. Don't tell Lady Shinra jokes in front of the Turks. -- pegunicent
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times). -- pegunicent
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”. -- pegunicent
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash. -- pegunicent
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions. -- pegunicent
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post. -- pegunicent
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody. -- pegunicent
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody. -- pegunicent
35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”) -- pegunicent
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over). -- pegunicent
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”. -- pegunicent
38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”. -- pegunicent
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once. -- pegunicent
40. I do not have super-powers. -- pegunicent
41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message. -- pegunicent
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters. -- pegunicent
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform. -- pegunicent
44. I am not the atheist chaplain. -- pegunicent
45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”. -- pegunicent
46. I am not authorized to fire officers. -- pegunicent
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states. -- pegunicent
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision. -- pegunicent
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”. -- pegunicent
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours. -- pegunicent
51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations. -- pegunicent
52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range. -- pegunicent
53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range. -- pegunicent
54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase. -- pegunicent
55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit. -- pegunicent
56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape. -- pegunicent
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?” -- pegunicent
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid. -- pegunicent
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command. -- pegunicent
60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command. -- pegunicent
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”. -- pegunicent
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz. -- pegunicent
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority. -- pegunicent
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay. -- pegunicent
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed. -- pegunicent
66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia. -- pegunicent
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot. -- pegunicent
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”. -- pegunicent
69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty. -- pegunicent
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication. -- pegunicent
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command. -- pegunicent
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty. -- pegunicent
73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”. -- pegunicent
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup. -- pegunicent
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command. -- pegunicent
76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence. -- pegunicent
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for." -- pegunicent
78. I may not call block my chain of command. -- pegunicent
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese. -- pegunicent
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions. -- pegunicent
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance. -- pegunicent
82. May not form any press gangs. -- pegunicent
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...." -- pegunicent
84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things. -- pegunicent
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident. -- pegunicent
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”. -- pegunicent
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it. -- pegunicent
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”. -- pegunicent
89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”. -- pegunicent
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection. -- pegunicent
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad. -- pegunicent
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate. -- pegunicent
93. Nerve gas is not funny. -- pegunicent
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that. -- pegunicent
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body. -- pegunicent
96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid. -- pegunicent
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator. -- pegunicent
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.” -- pegunicent
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield. -- icedark_elf
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are. -- icedark_elf
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon. -- pegunicent
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war". -- pegunicent
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did. -- pegunicent
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination. -- pegunicent
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve. -- pegunicent
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s. -- pegunicent
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press. -- icedark_elf
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI. -- icedark_elf
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Wutai. -- icedark_elf
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything. -- pegunicent
111. I am not qualified to operate any ShinRa, Wutai, Mideel, or Fort Condor armored vehicles. -- icedark_elf
112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not "SOLDIER leads the wa- oh...sorry sir". -- icedark_elf
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff". -- icedark_elf
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians. -- icedark_elf
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me. -- icedark_elf
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea. -- icedark_elf
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography. -- icedark_elf
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them. -- pegunicent
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude. -- icedark_elf
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke. -- icedark_elf
121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines. -- icedark_elf
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks. -- icedark_elf
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases. -- icedark_elf
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last. -- icedark_elf
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks. -- icedark_elf
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like. -- icedark_elf
127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable. -- icedark_elf
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word. -- icedark_elf
129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders. -- icedark_elf
130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander. -- pegunicent
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113. -- icedark_elf
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas. -- icedark_elf
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio. -- icedark_elf
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie. -- icedark_elf
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot. -- icedark_elf
136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is bad. -- icedark_elf
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk. -- icedark_elf
138. Even if my commander did it. -- icedark_elf
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs. -- icedark_elf
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights. -- icedark_elf
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”. -- icedark_elf
142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT. -- icedark_elf
143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window. -- icedark_elf
144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform. -- icedark_elf
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test. -- icedark_elf
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same. -- icedark_elf
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®. -- icedark_elf
148. Putting red “Mike and Ike's” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny. -- icedark_elf
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out. -- icedark_elf
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle. -- icedark_elf
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can't prove a thing!” -- icedark_elf
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries. -- icedark_elf
153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”. -- icedark_elf
154. Shouldn't treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot. -- icedark_elf
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice. -- icedark_elf
156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform. -- icedark_elf
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts. -- icedark_elf
158. The revolution is not now. -- icedark_elf
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search. -- icedark_elf
160. No part of the military uniform is edible. -- icedark_elf
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea. -- icedark_elf
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command. -- icedark_elf
163. Take that hat off. -- icedark_elf
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin. -- icedark_elf
165. I do not get “that time of month”. -- icedark_elf
166. No, the pants are not optional. -- icedark_elf
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks. -- icedark_elf
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio. -- icedark_elf
169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”. -- icedark_elf
170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions. -- icedark_elf
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter. -- icedark_elf
172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide. -- pegunicent
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance. -- icedark_elf
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy). -- icedark_elf
175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”. -- icedark_elf
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office. -- icedark_elf
177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”. -- icedark_elf
178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man's body”. -- icedark_elf
179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”. -- icedark_elf
180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”. -- icedark_elf
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS. -- icedark_elf
182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”. -- icedark_elf
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ® -- icedark_elf
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”. -- icedark_elf
185. My name is not a killing word. -- icedark_elf
186. I am not the Emperor of anything. -- icedark_elf
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes. -- icedark_elf
188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”. -- icedark_elf
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it. -- icedark_elf
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty. -- icedark_elf
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot. -- icedark_elf
192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That's what you think”. -- icedark_elf
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command. -- icedark_elf
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command. -- icedark_elf
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command. -- icedark_elf
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos. -- icedark_elf
197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again. -- icedark_elf
198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions. -- icedark_elf
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born. -- icedark_elf
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car. -- icedark_elf
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad. -- icedark_elf
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined. -- icedark_elf
203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO. -- icedark_elf
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration." -- icedark_elf
205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged") -- icedark_elf
206. Not allowed to get shot. -- pegunicent
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. -- icedark_elf
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain. -- icedark_elf
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. -- icedark_elf
210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country. -- icedark_elf
211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down. -- icedark_elf
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them. -- icedark_elf
213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites. -- icedark_elf
UPDATE (06/10/2007): New batch from icedark_elf includes # 108, 109, 111, 112 and 113 and can be found on InsaneJournal here.
1. Not allowed to watch Westpark when I'm supposed to be working. -- pegunicent
2. My proper military title is "SOLDIER First Class Fair" not "Princess Anastasia". -- pegunicent
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic. -- pegunicent
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair. -- pegunicent
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants. -- pegunicent
6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer. -- pegunicent
7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me. -- pegunicent
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters. -- pegunicent
9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”. -- icedark_elf
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time. -- pegunicent
11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party. -- pegunicent
12. Not allowed to join any militia. -- pegunicent
13. Not allowed to form any militia. -- pegunicent
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo. -- pegunicent
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!” -- icedark_elf
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”. -- pegunicent
17. God may not contradict any of my orders. -- pegunicent
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty. -- pegunicent
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right. -- pegunicent
20. Must not taunt the French Turks any more. -- pegunicent
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS. -- pegunicent
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”. -- pegunicent
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack. -- pegunicent
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true. -- pegunicent
25. Never confuse a terrorist for a Turk. -- pegunicent
26. Never tell a German Wutai soldier that “We kicked your ass in the War!” -- pegunicent
27. Don't tell Lady Shinra jokes in front of the Turks. -- pegunicent
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times). -- pegunicent
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”. -- pegunicent
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash. -- pegunicent
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions. -- pegunicent
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post. -- pegunicent
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody. -- pegunicent
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody. -- pegunicent
35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”) -- pegunicent
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over). -- pegunicent
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”. -- pegunicent
38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”. -- pegunicent
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once. -- pegunicent
40. I do not have super-powers. -- pegunicent
41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message. -- pegunicent
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters. -- pegunicent
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform. -- pegunicent
44. I am not the atheist chaplain. -- pegunicent
45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”. -- pegunicent
46. I am not authorized to fire officers. -- pegunicent
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states. -- pegunicent
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision. -- pegunicent
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”. -- pegunicent
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours. -- pegunicent
51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations. -- pegunicent
52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range. -- pegunicent
53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range. -- pegunicent
54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase. -- pegunicent
55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit. -- pegunicent
56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape. -- pegunicent
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?” -- pegunicent
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid. -- pegunicent
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command. -- pegunicent
60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command. -- pegunicent
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”. -- pegunicent
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz. -- pegunicent
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority. -- pegunicent
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay. -- pegunicent
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed. -- pegunicent
66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia. -- pegunicent
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot. -- pegunicent
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”. -- pegunicent
69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty. -- pegunicent
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication. -- pegunicent
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command. -- pegunicent
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty. -- pegunicent
73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”. -- pegunicent
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup. -- pegunicent
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command. -- pegunicent
76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence. -- pegunicent
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for." -- pegunicent
78. I may not call block my chain of command. -- pegunicent
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese. -- pegunicent
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions. -- pegunicent
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance. -- pegunicent
82. May not form any press gangs. -- pegunicent
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...." -- pegunicent
84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things. -- pegunicent
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident. -- pegunicent
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”. -- pegunicent
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it. -- pegunicent
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”. -- pegunicent
89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”. -- pegunicent
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection. -- pegunicent
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad. -- pegunicent
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate. -- pegunicent
93. Nerve gas is not funny. -- pegunicent
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that. -- pegunicent
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body. -- pegunicent
96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid. -- pegunicent
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator. -- pegunicent
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.” -- pegunicent
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield. -- icedark_elf
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are. -- icedark_elf
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon. -- pegunicent
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war". -- pegunicent
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did. -- pegunicent
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination. -- pegunicent
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve. -- pegunicent
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s. -- pegunicent
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press. -- icedark_elf
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI. -- icedark_elf
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Wutai. -- icedark_elf
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything. -- pegunicent
111. I am not qualified to operate any ShinRa, Wutai, Mideel, or Fort Condor armored vehicles. -- icedark_elf
112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not "SOLDIER leads the wa- oh...sorry sir". -- icedark_elf
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff". -- icedark_elf
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians. -- icedark_elf
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me. -- icedark_elf
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea. -- icedark_elf
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography. -- icedark_elf
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them. -- pegunicent
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude. -- icedark_elf
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke. -- icedark_elf
121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines. -- icedark_elf
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks. -- icedark_elf
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases. -- icedark_elf
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last. -- icedark_elf
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks. -- icedark_elf
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like. -- icedark_elf
127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable. -- icedark_elf
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word. -- icedark_elf
129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders. -- icedark_elf
130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander. -- pegunicent
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113. -- icedark_elf
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas. -- icedark_elf
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio. -- icedark_elf
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie. -- icedark_elf
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot. -- icedark_elf
136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is bad. -- icedark_elf
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk. -- icedark_elf
138. Even if my commander did it. -- icedark_elf
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs. -- icedark_elf
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights. -- icedark_elf
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”. -- icedark_elf
142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT. -- icedark_elf
143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window. -- icedark_elf
144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform. -- icedark_elf
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test. -- icedark_elf
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same. -- icedark_elf
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®. -- icedark_elf
148. Putting red “Mike and Ike's” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny. -- icedark_elf
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out. -- icedark_elf
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle. -- icedark_elf
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can't prove a thing!” -- icedark_elf
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries. -- icedark_elf
153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”. -- icedark_elf
154. Shouldn't treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot. -- icedark_elf
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice. -- icedark_elf
156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform. -- icedark_elf
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts. -- icedark_elf
158. The revolution is not now. -- icedark_elf
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search. -- icedark_elf
160. No part of the military uniform is edible. -- icedark_elf
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea. -- icedark_elf
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command. -- icedark_elf
163. Take that hat off. -- icedark_elf
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin. -- icedark_elf
165. I do not get “that time of month”. -- icedark_elf
166. No, the pants are not optional. -- icedark_elf
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks. -- icedark_elf
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio. -- icedark_elf
169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”. -- icedark_elf
170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions. -- icedark_elf
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter. -- icedark_elf
172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide. -- pegunicent
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance. -- icedark_elf
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy). -- icedark_elf
175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”. -- icedark_elf
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office. -- icedark_elf
177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”. -- icedark_elf
178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man's body”. -- icedark_elf
179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”. -- icedark_elf
180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”. -- icedark_elf
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS. -- icedark_elf
182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”. -- icedark_elf
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ® -- icedark_elf
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”. -- icedark_elf
185. My name is not a killing word. -- icedark_elf
186. I am not the Emperor of anything. -- icedark_elf
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes. -- icedark_elf
188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”. -- icedark_elf
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it. -- icedark_elf
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty. -- icedark_elf
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot. -- icedark_elf
192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That's what you think”. -- icedark_elf
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command. -- icedark_elf
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command. -- icedark_elf
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command. -- icedark_elf
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos. -- icedark_elf
197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again. -- icedark_elf
198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions. -- icedark_elf
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born. -- icedark_elf
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car. -- icedark_elf
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad. -- icedark_elf
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined. -- icedark_elf
203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO. -- icedark_elf
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration." -- icedark_elf
205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged") -- icedark_elf
206. Not allowed to get shot. -- pegunicent
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. -- icedark_elf
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain. -- icedark_elf
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. -- icedark_elf
210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country. -- icedark_elf
211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down. -- icedark_elf
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them. -- icedark_elf
213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites. -- icedark_elf