coming clean to myself.
I needed to just rant and ramble about what is goig on in my head today.
okay so I have been thinking today and I am wondering if the reason I am over weight is because of being unhappy and I get bored. I was thinking about it today about maybe going on a diet. I know that I should I am not a size 4 or 6 or 10 for that matter. In highschool I thought I was huge but was far from it. Well two kids later and going thru a divorce I am larger then I ever was. Well not ever. I was bigger when I was married before and was a say at home mom. I think that I get upset that I need to lose weight, I get down on my self for not dieting and not excercising like I should and since I am upset I dont feel the energy to get up and get outside to walk or go do anything.
I have been sick the last 3 weeks with a cold or something that has made me feel like I just want to sleep. I have to say that I am feeling better and am feeling itchy to get something done.
I guess the reason I am writing all this is because this is my journal and I feel that it the place I need to be open with my self and really look into all of this. I mean I try to talk to my hubby about it and even though he is great about listening, I feel that it is something I need to do on my own. I mean today I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and a small taco salad for lunch which was left overs from last night. And now I feel like a big fat pig... I feel all nasty and I feel like I have done something wrong by eating the cereal and salad today. The thought of having dinner tonight makes me feel horrible and makes me feel like I am fatty for having the third meal today.
My husbands schedule has him getting up at 4 am and going to work and when he gets home we normally have dinner around 5 and by like 7 or 8 he is ready for bed and I am not. I have tried getting up with him so that I can be on the same schedule as him but I just cant sleep.
I know in my past starting when I was younger eating was like a comfort. When something upsets me I feel like baking or cooking. I dont really feel like eating sometimes but I do. I guess I just need a place to get this all out of me and so of course here I am ranting about it.
I mean I see people who have better bodies and instead of just knowing I am who I am and that I am not as skinny or as hot as others I feel insecure and think that my hubby deserves someone like them. Like being with someone smaller would make him happier and I know that is so untrue. I know it is just me being this way.
I want to say that I am going to excercise more and that I am going to start a program but honestly I feel almost like if I do I am only going to let myself down. when am I finally going to be able to do this????
okay so I have been thinking today and I am wondering if the reason I am over weight is because of being unhappy and I get bored. I was thinking about it today about maybe going on a diet. I know that I should I am not a size 4 or 6 or 10 for that matter. In highschool I thought I was huge but was far from it. Well two kids later and going thru a divorce I am larger then I ever was. Well not ever. I was bigger when I was married before and was a say at home mom. I think that I get upset that I need to lose weight, I get down on my self for not dieting and not excercising like I should and since I am upset I dont feel the energy to get up and get outside to walk or go do anything.
I have been sick the last 3 weeks with a cold or something that has made me feel like I just want to sleep. I have to say that I am feeling better and am feeling itchy to get something done.
I guess the reason I am writing all this is because this is my journal and I feel that it the place I need to be open with my self and really look into all of this. I mean I try to talk to my hubby about it and even though he is great about listening, I feel that it is something I need to do on my own. I mean today I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and a small taco salad for lunch which was left overs from last night. And now I feel like a big fat pig... I feel all nasty and I feel like I have done something wrong by eating the cereal and salad today. The thought of having dinner tonight makes me feel horrible and makes me feel like I am fatty for having the third meal today.
My husbands schedule has him getting up at 4 am and going to work and when he gets home we normally have dinner around 5 and by like 7 or 8 he is ready for bed and I am not. I have tried getting up with him so that I can be on the same schedule as him but I just cant sleep.
I know in my past starting when I was younger eating was like a comfort. When something upsets me I feel like baking or cooking. I dont really feel like eating sometimes but I do. I guess I just need a place to get this all out of me and so of course here I am ranting about it.
I mean I see people who have better bodies and instead of just knowing I am who I am and that I am not as skinny or as hot as others I feel insecure and think that my hubby deserves someone like them. Like being with someone smaller would make him happier and I know that is so untrue. I know it is just me being this way.
I want to say that I am going to excercise more and that I am going to start a program but honestly I feel almost like if I do I am only going to let myself down. when am I finally going to be able to do this????