Brigits_Flame March Entry 01 - The Devil's in the Details

[kenderlord]

“No, sir,” I said into the phone.  “It’s not going to be a problem.  Not in the very slightest.”

The receiver hissed with smoke, and a thin trickle of sulfur dioxide - that is to say, brimstone - snaked out of the handset and into my nose.

“It won’t be a problem, Andrealphus,” my boss intoned, “because we do not have problems.  Fix it before it gets

Comments

[attentionhoard]

This piece proves to be a well-thought out creation from a creative mind- nice work! I look forward to reading more!

[kenderlord]

Thanks! Good luck to you this week.

I'm still trying to figure out how to work this next prompt into the story.

I'm trying, and I'm doing okay, but I'm on a (WHAT?) business trip this week.
-D

[walkertxkitty]

I love it! You took something predictable and turned it into an original take on the topic. It's very well done, including inciting sympathy from the reader for some characters which are not at all likable.

[kenderlord]

Thank you!

Is Alfie initially unlikeable because he's a demon, or because he's an accountant? Because CPAs are fine people.
-D

[walkertxkitty]

He's unlikable for me because of his mindset; the demonic factor just enhances it and I actually love my accountant :D

Editor

[transitiongodin]

Hello! I'm one of your editors for this week. Please bear with me as I go through your piece slowly. One thing, personal thing, is it was hard for me to read because it was so small! :)

Edits/Questions:

"And we were having a bad day Downstairs." [why is Downstairs capitalized?]

"off the coathanger" [coat hanger is two words. ]

" “Sorry, sweetpea,” " [sweetpea, even as an endearment is two words sweat pea]

Other than that I didn't find anything punctuation related or grammar related, however I just want to say that though I liked this piece, I found it hard to follow. It seems a little disjointed, to me.
Well anyways, I hope this edit was bearable for you. :)

Re: Editor

[kenderlord]

Thanks for your edits!

Downstairs is capitalized because it's, well, Hell. Like when you refer to the executive offices in your building as Upstairs: "Upstairs isn't happy about that." It's metonymy. I think.

It doesn't look small to me in firefox; what approximate font size does it look like to you? I can fix it.

Good luck to you this week!
-D

Re: Editor

[transitiongodin]

It might just be us, those users who don't use foxfire. Sorry about that. :)

Okay, thanks. I was just wondering. I was thinking it was on purpose, I just needed to be sure. :)

Thanks!

Second Edit

[lacrimaeveneris]

What a fun story. I agree with your previous editor, however, in that this text was difficult to read due to the size. Just a thought.

The receiver hissed with smoke, and a thin trickle of sulfur dioxide - that is to say, brimstone - snaked out of the handset and into my nose.
I like that based on this text and the title, we know exactly who's on the other end of the line. Nice creation of atmosphere.

Absent his voice, my phone fell limp; I returned the receiver to its cradle.
What do you mean by limp? Do you actually mean it became like a wet noodle, or did your hand become limp? Perhaps it's a stylistic choice, but it's somewhat confusing for your reader.

I’m Alfie. I’m a signing agent for The Devil. And we were having a bad day Downstairs.
I like it, it's funny.

And my bumbershoot.For some reason, the word "bumbershoot" slowed me down and bumped me out of the reading. I realize you probably did this as a way to get further into your world, but it confused me instead. Is it like an umbrella that keeps out flaming hail (as

[harlotbug3]

I picked up my Magic Six-Ball [PFF! HA!] and gave it a good hard shake. “Okay, Six-Ball. I got serious contract issues with a mortal. Gimme the scoop