Brigits_Flame March Entry 02 - Happiness in a bottle
(A continuation of last week's story, here)
I have vague memories of why I ended it with Mona. It was a good half-millenium ago; these things fade - and she was always gorgeous and sharp as a tack. I had begun to forget why I’d called off our little liaison, such that it was. Now, eating dinner across from her, dim memories swam ( Read more... )
Comments 22
One thing stood out:
“They were getting cold on the outside,” she said.
'She said?' Just 'said.' We can imagine her tone then his reaction, his reaction then her tone a few too many ways. Is she being playful or assertive? Is he shocked or amused? If you want to make us guess, though I really do feel the guessing interrupts the flow, don't say 'said' just give us the line. 'said' is too plain for sucha delightfully vivid conversation.
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-D
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Message me your e-mail. I'm going to do it in Word, if that's okay, and e-mail you back with DIGITAL RED PEN!
-D
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As the previous editor pointed out, the use of the word "said" is jarring, because you do so well with... well, not using "said."
Also, ew. In any case, the use of "baijiu" was rather disruptive, for some reason, possibly because there's so little non-English in it so far. And Baal's Blood does come across as sort of "convenient plot twist"... does it have any negative effects (from our protagonist's point of view)?
Like I said at the beginning, however, I have very few edits. It's an enjoyable read!
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... I have no idea what it's going to do, next week. (Help. Have I written myself into a corner?)
What's "also, ew" in reference to? (The still-wriggling shrimp? I bet it is! Just a guess.)
-D
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See, here I was thinking that Fire in Her Eyes would be ultra easy for you- what with Mona and all (she actually has fire in her eyes this week, which amused me). Consider the lust of the poor hapless contractee? Alternatively, turn Alfie into a woman.
Wait, was that me? Er...
I look forward to next week.
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What if Alfie pulls a 'what-lola-wants-lola-gets' in DISGUISE and forces Belinda (the hapless mortal) to fall in love with him. Would hilarity ensue?
-D
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I would suggest "shrugged" where your editors have said that "said" is too plain - that's just the way I read it, though. I loved your characterization throughout, especially with lines like Glass table. Shit. Tight slacks. Double shit. and Real smooth, Alfie. Real smooth.
If you'll entertain another suggestion or two from a non-editor, if you didn't italicize baijiu, it wouldn't stand out as much. Similarly, when you first introduce it, try using a comma instead of a hyphen, just to make it blend in better. I think that would completely take care of the issues some people have with it while still leaving in that detail. And one last thing - the last line could, in my opinion, be improved by saying "Smooth, Alfie. Real smooth." instead ( ... )
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-D
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Please let me know what you think of the first part, too. Love to hear what you thunk.
-D
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It was a good half-[millenium] -- [millennium]
I started. “[]The fuck did you get that at?” [where??]
harder to get [ahold] of [a hold]
If she wants it that bad [- ”] [-" no space]
I felt this piece was a good continuation of your last. It's written well. There are a lot of fragments, and it's choppy, but I think that's your style here and so I appluad you for it. :)
Hopefully this edit was okay. :) There wasn't much to edit, not many mistakes, etc.
-Leander
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-D
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