Brigits_Flame April Entry 03 - Flourish
Hannibal McCrae, the finest magician this side of the Mississippi (the bad side) gives me a long, slow, disapproving look.
“Sugarcube,” he says, “How do you ever expect to convince anybody that the apricot is gone?” I’m trying to palm small fruits while we sit on his front porch. His front porch in East St. Louis, on the Illinois side of ( Read more... )
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Excellent job!
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In fact, I realize a bit too late and with no small amount of horror that I might've summoned up yet another winnowed representation of the stereotypical Magical Negro, an un-sexed old black man helping out the (presumably) white heroine and asking nothing. Or do I sell myself short here? Have I avoided that horrible canard by making him seem weighted and real? Does it help that he doesn't speak in dialect, that he seems to think Natalie's cute, and that she's doing his taxes?
I am overconscious of these things; it has to do with living in St. Louis and being hyper-aware of the deadly historical combination of black men and magic, a thing I wish to avoid or at least make over.
See? See what it's like to be inside my head, Jacques? To have archetypes winging around like vampire bats, bearing not malaria or west nile but guilt, and hoping none of them nip me.
-D
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Well, hes not asking nothing with his help- they were trading services. I think that point is moot- I definitely didn't get old negro vibes from this piece. Not even a trace.
There's a history of almost every non-white race and magic. And women and magic. And other religions. Basically, any marginalized race or individual is granted mysterious magical powers. Some animals too. I wouldn't worry.
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-D
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I think you're missing a comma in the first sentence.
Did you really mean to offset the word 'Now' with a period or was that supposed to be a comma?
The only time where you wouldn’t put frills on your magic, Sugarcube, would be where you were either stealing something, or you weren’t trying to impress anyone.// It seems like the word 'when' would be more appropriate in both instances. Though you could actually remove the first 'where' all together without damaging the sentence.
Once again, you've managed to create characters I want to know more about. Who is our narrator, where is she from, why is she studying philosophy, and how did she come to have magical powers? To me, the questions are just a sign of engagement with the piece and I tip my hat to you, once again.
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1. As a reader, I wondered why you felt it necessary to give this detail: His front porch in East St. Louis, on the Illinois side of the river. To me, it felt unnecessary and since you use "this side of the Mississippi" in the opening and then again with "away across a river ", it seems a bit repetitious, too. Because this is a shorter piece, I'd carefully revisit every sentence and make sure you need it. Otherwise, detail may just seem like detail and not stepping stone to fully understanding the world of the story.
2. This is a bit nit-picky but this bit here:
'Now. I know and he knows that the apricot’s up his sleeve or in his breast pocket. But I didn’t see him put it there. He looks at me ( ... )
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I guess I just wanted to make it clear that he was in the creepier part of town; I don't know if you've ever been to St. Louis, but East St. Louis is this strange, semi-rural near-slum. At least, the parts of it I seem to get lost in are. There are probably wonderful vibrant places there, too.
At any rate, I appreciate your crit! What you have said is undeniably true. Have a great weekend!
-D
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