Absent Secrets (2/5)
Absent Secrets
Chapter 2/5
Author: Faith kennedysbitch
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: R (sensitive subject matter)
Beta’d by georgiaclaire
Summary: After suffering an unexpected tragedy, Arizona has trouble coping and Callie is left trying to hold together the life they’ve built for themselves.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Chapters 1-5
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“Robbins! I heard a rumor that you were back on campus.”
Arizona glanced up from the Peds desk where she was sitting and quirked a tiny smile at the sound of her best friend’s voice. “It appears those rumors were true.”
Teddy leaned up against the counter and flashed a smile back at her. “I’m glad. It’s been dull around here without you; I’ve been eating lunch on my own for weeks now. It’s like high school all over again.”
Arizona smirked and lifted an eyebrow. “You were a cheerleader in high school, Teddy. I’m sure you did just fine.” She chuckled and looked down at her chart, scribbling in some post-op notes.
She wasn’t oblivious to Teddy’s scrutinizing stare, but chose to ignore it for as long as she possibly could.
Which turned out to not be very long at all.
“Altman. You’re doing that thing that Calliope does.” Arizona kept her eyes on the page.
Teddy appeared not to mind that she’d been caught. “I’m not picturing you naked, Arizona. Relax.”
Arizona had to laugh at that. “And yet you’re still staring. I’m fine. Really.”
“So it appears,” Teddy echoed. When Arizona glanced up and shot her a dirty look, she held up both hands in defense. “I’m not prodding, I swear. It’s just really good to see you again, and if you don’t want to talk about anything in particular, that’s fine with me. But as I told you before, I’m here. Any time you need me to be. Okay?”
Arizona nodded silently, careful to keep herself focused on the paper in front of her for a few extra seconds. “Thanks. I appreciate that.” She hesitated, before finally risking a glance up at the other woman. “Does anyone...?”
“As far as everyone here is concerned, you’ve been using some saved up vacation time.”
Arizona sighed in relief and gave another silent nod. That was good. She didn’t need her personal issues spread around the hospital. Barely anyone knew she had been pregnant in the first place, and she couldn’t take the sympathetic looks or behind-the-hand whispers that would be all too obvious. She might just put a scalpel through someone’s eye, and that would do no good for anyone.
“And thus concludes any words I have to say about anything,” Teddy continued after a beat of silence, sensing Arizona’s need to move on from the sensitive topic. She pushed herself away from the desk and took a step back. “I have a valve replacement in fifteen. Lunch later?”
Arizona was grateful for Teddy’s offer and for her willingness to drop the subject almost as soon as she brought it up. She really just needed to focus on getting through her first day back at work, but it was good to know she had her best friend standing in her corner. “It’s a date.”
“Excellent. See you in a bit.” With that, Teddy turned and headed down the hall for the elevators.
Arizona watched her go briefly, then released a heavy sigh and looked back down at her stack of patient charts. She was glad to be back at work, glad for the distraction. Being here as the caretaker of the tiny humans made her feel something resembling normal again. Something she had yet to feel since losing the baby a little over two weeks ago.
Closing the chart and standing up, Arizona filed it away and stuck the pen back in her breast pocket. She had an appendectomy in half an hour, and a few administrative tasks to take care of before scrubbing in.
As she headed off down the hall to her office, she wished that Calliope had made an appearance on her floor today. She knew it was her own fault that the brunette probably didn’t feel comfortable checking in, but that didn’t mean she didn’t miss her. She did, a lot. Sometimes she simultaneously missed being close to her partner and couldn’t stand the idea of it all at once. It was...confusing and heartbreaking, to say the least. She didn’t know what to do anymore.
It was a never-ending cycle of guilt these days, and it was starting to take its toll.
***
As Teddy scrubbed in, she couldn’t help but think about Arizona and what she was going through. She’d known her for a long time now, and there was rarely a day where the blonde didn’t radiate sunshine and view the glass of life one hundred and ten percent ‘super’ full.
Seeing her like she was now, struggling and trying to come to terms with what had happened, hurt. She wanted to say or do something to make Arizona see the light again, but there was nothing. She knew that. All she could do was offer to be there when she needed it, and stick by her side in silent support even when she refused to talk about it.
Teddy sighed as she vigorously scrubbed the bar of soap up along her forearms, her mind drifting back to the last time she had seen Arizona before her brief leave of absence.
***
Teddy held Arizona’s hand while the blonde blatantly refused to make eye contact with her, opting instead to stare at the far wall with silent tears slowly rolling down her cheeks. She stroked a thumb reassuringly along the back of her hand as they sat in the cold, sterile exam room, waiting for the OB to arrive and perform Arizona’s D&E.
It felt like a rock was sitting in the pit of her stomach. Teddy didn’t know what to do or say in a situation like this, but of course she’d said yes when Arizona had asked her to be there for the procedure. She was surprised, but didn’t hesitate to agree to it.
“She’s late.”
Teddy glanced up as Arizona spoke for the first time in almost ten minutes. Her voice was hoarse and she was still crying silently.
“I’m sure she’ll be here soon,” Teddy reassured softly, squeezing the hand in her own. Arizona returned it, a little harder than before. Teddy noticed that she was shaking slightly by now. “They’ll give you a local anesthetic. You won’t feel a thing.”
Arizona nodded mutely and bit her bottom lip to keep from falling apart even more than she already had.
“Arizona...” Teddy reached up with her other hand to brush her fingers through the blonde’s hair. “Sweetie, are you sure I’m the one you want here? I can page Callie and we can wait for her. I know she’d want to be here.”
Arizona shook her head vigorously. “No. No, I-I don...I don’t want her going through this, too.”
Teddy sighed, but Arizona cut her off before she could protest.
“Please, Teddy, she doesn’t need to see this. Okay? Just...sit with me.”
“Of course.” Teddy held Arizona’s hand a little tighter. “I’m not going anywhere.”
***
It felt good to get the appy out of the way. Arizona’s first surgery back was a complete success, and she’d even go so far as to call it a breeze. The seven-year-old girl would be discharged and sent home with her parents the next afternoon, happy and healthy once more.
As she sat down in the cafeteria and waited for Teddy to arrive, Arizona’s mind drifted into a scattered pattern of thoughts. She wondered why it wasn’t harder for her to be around kids. She’d thought that maybe coming back would provide yet another reminder of how empty and unhappy she felt inside, but seeing her patients actually brightened up her day considerably.
Part of her thought it might have something to do with the fact that in some ways, she could protect these children, help them get better. With these kids’ lives, she was at least partly in control, and had a say in whether or not they lived or died.
Unlike her own, apparently.
Arizona closed her eyes and ducked her head down, rubbing her fingertips along the bridge of her nose at the oncoming headache she could suddenly feel looming behind her skull.
Rationally, she knew that sometimes miscarriages just happened, even at fifteen weeks. She knew that there was nothing she could have done to prevent it. She had no reason to blame herself - she had stayed healthy, eaten the right things, taken the right vitamins, exercised the right amount without going over the top. She was a role model for pregnant women everywhere.
And yet she’d still lost their baby.
Irrationally, Arizona felt an anger and sadness that she’d never felt before. She wanted someone to blame, and she was the only logical answer, even though she really did know that it wasn’t her fault. But that knowledge didn’t make it any easier to deal with on a day-to-day basis, and that sucked.
Empty, sad, and angry - three adjectives that had never before described her in her entire life, up until now. Even when she’d lost her brother, she’d felt the sadness and the anger, but she’d known deep down that he gave his life serving his country and doing something that he loved. His death was still as senseless as the war he was fighting on someone else’s behalf, but she knew how and why it had happened.
She had no answers for why her body had suddenly rejected their baby.
A tray heavy with food smacked down onto the table across from her and Arizona started, nerves fraying at the sudden jolt back into reality.
Teddy winced and smiled apologetically. “Sorry.” She sank down into the nearest chair and pretended that she hadn’t noticed the solemn, far-off look in Arizona’s eyes moments before. “I grabbed you lasagna when I saw you didn’t have anything yet. Don’t make me force feed it to you.” She passed over the styrofoam container and a fork. “Eat. Before I start making airplane noises.”
Arizona smiled weakly and popped open the container. “Thanks.” She wasn’t in the mood for food, truth be told, but she ate it anyway to placate the other woman. “How’d the valve replacement go?”
“Good. I let Eriksson do the majority of the work while I read a magazine. He’s pretty decent. Reminds me of how Yang used to be.”
“Power hungry and robot-like?”
Teddy grinned crookedly. “Not nearly as neurotic and not quite at Yang’s skill level, but yeah, pretty much.”
“How’s she doing? Are her and Owen still in Boston?”
“As far as I know. She’ll be replacing Dr. Fairbanks as the Head of Cardio at Mass Gen within a few years when he retires.”
“You sound like a proud mama,” Arizona teased, nibbling on a spoonful of lasagna. “Your little one is all grown up.”
“Hard to believe,” Teddy chuckled. She set down her own fork and swiped a napkin across her lips. “Speaking of little ones, how’s Jackie doing these days? I haven’t seen her in ages.”
“Oh my God, Teddy, you will not believe how fast she’s growing,” Arizona gushed. “I swear she shoots up a few inches every week. She’s loving pre-school, already becoming a social butterfly, and is way smarter than any other almost-four-year-old on the planet.” Arizona’s whole face radiated with pride, and it was the first time all day Teddy had seen the blonde look anything remotely like her usual self.
“With two brilliant surgeons as parents, I’m not surprised.” Teddy reached over and stabbed her fork into Arizona’s lasagna, stealing a bite. “Y’know she asked me if I’ll let her play with one of the ‘leftover broken hearts’ I fix the next time I babysit? I think I see a future student. A miniature Cardio God in the making.”
Arizona laughed and ate one more small bite of food before setting her utensil down. “Don’t tell Calliope. She’ll be crushed.”
“Crushed about what?”
Glancing up, Arizona saw Callie appear from behind and sit down in the empty chair to her right. She smiled warmly at her girlfriend. “We were just talking about how awesome Jac is. And how she’s going into cardiothoracics someday.”
Callie smiled a little at mention of their daughter and took a sip from her coffee cup. “Isn’t she a little young to be deciding her future already? Last week she wanted to be an astronaut so she could feed the space monkeys that live on the moon. I wouldn’t hold your breath, Teddy.”
The three women shared a good laugh.
Arizona couldn’t help but notice some of the tension that was framing her girlfriend’s shoulders, and the way her brown eyes would only flicker over briefly, never staying on her for too long. She felt bad for making Callie so paranoid about hovering, she was afraid to even look at her.
Arizona reached over under the table and placed a hand against Callie’s scrub-clad thigh, her thumb stroking gently over top of the material. She felt her relax a little, and made a point of scooting her chair an inch or so closer. “How’s your day been so far? Lots of broken bones?”
“Mostly scheduled knee and hip replacements. No emergencies, fortunately.” Callie placed her left hand over top of Arizona’s and gave it a firm squeeze. “How about you? Dare I ask.” She smiled a little to show that she was joking - somewhat, anyway.
“Good so far. Completed an appy with no problems, so that ominous ‘first cut back’ is over with. Unless something comes in later, I think I’ll be off by five. You?”
“Same.” Callie smiled at the thought of spending some time with her family. If Arizona stayed in an okay mood like she seemed to be in now, she harbored hope they could maybe even snuggle on the couch a little bit.
Teddy’s pager went off across the table and she glanced down at it. “Shoot. I’ve gotta run.” She stood up, sweeping her eyes over her best friend and her partner. She felt comfortable leaving Arizona now that she looked happier and had some company. She knew things must be impossibly difficult these days between them; she saw how tired and strained Callie looked on a daily basis here at work while Arizona was home recovering. But they were a solid couple, and she knew without a doubt that they could pull through anything together. Even something as impossible as this.
“Peter’s making dinner for some colleagues of his on Friday night, so I convinced him to let me have my turn next week some time. You guys in?”
Teddy’s husband, Peter Machol, was a lawyer in criminal prosecution. Arizona liked him - he was good for Teddy, and she for him. They were a perfect match. Which was why Arizona had set them up two years ago.
“Of course. We wouldn’t miss it for the world. That man can cook.” Arizona grinned at Teddy.
“I’m all for it. A night off to let someone else do all the work for once would be nice.” Callie’s grin matched Arizona’s as the blonde elbowed her lightly in the side. “Count us in.”
“Great.” Teddy’s pager beeped again, and with a quick wave she dashed off through the cafeteria exit.
Callie feared for a moment that Arizona would revert back to silence now that they were alone together, but to her delight, the blonde sighed softly and leaned in to rest her head against her left shoulder. “I’m exhausted, Calliope. How in the hell did I ever manage full eighteen hour shifts before? I’ve been here for exactly six and I’m ready to pass out.” She kept the hand she had on Callie’s thigh where it was and gave another small squeeze.
“I know, honey. I’m tired, too.” Callie reached across with her right hand to tuck back a blonde curl behind Arizona’s ear. “If we can make it to five, we can get out of here together. Just leave your car in the parking lot and we can pick it up tomorrow morning.”
“My car?” Arizona lifted her head and quirked a cute grin at her partner. “Why can’t we leave your car here and take mine?”
Callie blinked. “Um. Because I drive a Mercedes that’s worth almost as much as we both make in a year, and you still drive a rust bucket. By choice, might I add. My car won’t be here in the morning if we leave it behind; yours will just blend in.”
“It’s economical,” Arizona defended. “And barely eight years old!”
“It’s barely distinguishable from a pile of medical waste!”
Arizona rolled her eyes and playfully nudged Callie in the shoulder. “You’re such a brat.”
The brunette grinned. “You know you love it.” She took the hand that was resting on top of Arizona’s and moved it up to slide around her shoulders, tugging her in even closer.
Arizona closed her eyes and sighed very softly under her breath. “I need a nap. Got some time to spend with me in an on-call room?”
Any other day, any other time, under any other circumstances...Callie would have taken that one and run with it.
But she knew better right now. Arizona was still healing, physically and emotionally, and sex was out of the question for the time being. “Of course I do. I would love to-”
Her pager went off.
Callie closed her eyes and growled very quietly under her breath. “-destroy whoever is paging me right now. Damn it.” She reluctantly released Arizona’s shoulders, and the blonde sat back up as Callie checked her pager. “Ah, damn. Incoming trauma.” It pained her to leave - she needed the physical connection of just being able to hold Arizona in her arms again. It was so rare these days, and she just knew if she didn’t take advantage now, she might lose the chance entirely.
But patients with severely broken bones came first, unfortunately so.
“Go ahead,” Arizona quickly replied, shooting Callie what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “I’m gonna go take that nap, then try to power through the rest of my shift. We can meet later and pick Jacquelyn up together, then have a nice quiet evening on the couch. Sound good?”
Callie had to fight the urge to fist-pump in the air at the prospect. Partly because she didn’t want to get her hopes up too high, in case Arizona’s mood changed again.
She prayed that it didn’t.
“Count me in, baby.” Standing up, Callie placed a hand on Arizona’s shoulder and leaned down to plant a soft, quick kiss on her lips. And then, because it had been so long since she’d done so, she stayed hunched over and circled both arms around Arizona’s neck and shoulders, hugging her closely. “I love you.”
Arizona closed her eyes and reached back to brush her fingertips along Callie’s cheek. “I love you too, sweetie.”
With great reluctance, Callie released her and stood back up, shooting her one last smile before heading out of the cafeteria.
Alone again, Arizona did her best to focus on the residual tingling against her lips that Callie’s kiss had left behind, while she packed up the leftover food onto one tray. Standing, she took in a deep breath, steeling herself to power through the five minute walk it would take to get to the on-call room, and headed off to dump their garbage in an trash can.
***
Despite her best efforts, Callie spent the rest of the day worried about whether she’d go into the locker room at the end of her shift and find Arizona Robbins, Pediatric Surgeon waiting for her, or Arizona Robbins, Empty Shell in her place.
It was harsh, but true to her experience. She never knew anymore which version of Arizona she would come home to at the end of the night.
Callie loved both Arizonas equally, she really, truly did. It absolutely gutted her to know how much emotional pain the love of her life was in right now, but she was at a loss for what to do anymore. If she tried to get close, she got shoved away. If she gave Arizona space, she felt guilty and sick to her stomach, because she couldn’t handle not being there for her.
And through all of it, she was trying desperately to come to terms with the fact that almost four months in to what appeared to be a happy, healthy pregnancy, they’d lost their second child without any warning.
“Earth to Torres.”
Callie looked up to find Mark staring at her with his patented ‘Mark Sloan’ smile. “What?”
His expression fell. “Hi?”
Callie shook her head to clear it from her gloomy thoughts, forcing out a smile for his sake as she shrugged off her lab coat and hung it up in her locker. “Sorry. Hi.” She turned more fully to face him as he pulled off his shirt and exchanged it for a scrub top.
Mark knew what Callie was going through. Not on a personal level, but he’d been there for the times she’d fallen apart. He’d been her shoulder to lean on these last two weeks, and he knew the toll it was taking on her to not be able to get through to Robbins. Mark knew Callie, and she wanted to protect those she loved more than she wanted to take care of herself.
It was one of the things that made her such a great friend. And right now he wanted to be there for her in return, no matter what.
“Going home?” Mark pulled on his scrubs and smoothed them down in the front. “Mini You was doing burn-outs around the apartment after Lexie picked her up from pre-school. If she’s not already napping, then she’ll be out like a light as soon as you get her home.”
Callie sighed a little in relief. Jacquelyn had an abundance of energy, and getting her to sleep most nights was exhausting. Hopefully they could feed and bathe her, and she’d be asleep for the rest of the night after a good bedtime story. “Thanks, Mark. We’re really grateful to you and Lex for everything these past few weeks. You two have been a big help.”
“Don’t mention it.” Mark closed his locker and sat down on the bench between the two rows. “How are you doing?”
If that wasn’t a loaded question these days, she didn’t know what was. “Good. As good as I can be. Better, even.” Callie sat down, one leg straddling either side of the bench, and faced him. “Arizona’s first day back seemed to be going well when I saw her earlier. She wanted to make plans to spend some time together at home tonight, so that’s progress, right?” She tried to smile, but it was difficult.
Mark knew she was struggling right then, and he reached out to place a hand on her shoulder with a firm squeeze. “It is. She’s moving forward. That’s good.”
Nodding, Callie got a far-off look in her eyes. She thought back to before all of this had happened, the events of the last few years that had finally made her world feel as though it were whole again.
They bought a house. Well, they bought land and were getting a house built on it, and in the meantime were living in a not-too-shabby one-story rental a neighborhood away from their old apartment. Which Mark and his wife had moved into, upon her, Arizona and Jacquelyn vacating the premises a year and a half ago. She missed being right across the street from the hospital, but it was only a short drive and in a really nice neighborhood. Their future house was a little further away still, but it was going to be perfect when it was complete and would make the longer drive a thousand times more worth it.
She was building her dream home for her dream family. A child she never thought she could possibly love as much as she loved Jac, and a - for all intents and purposes - wife that completed the other half of her soul. Everything was set to be completely perfect from here on out.
Until the universe spat on them.
Callie sighed heavily, closing her eyes and squaring her shoulders before she turned into an emotional wreck. She didn’t want to right now. She wanted to sit here and wait for her girlfriend, and look forward to spending an awesome evening together on the couch watching old movies and eating popcorn. “Just waiting for her to get here so we can leave together. We’ll swing by the apartment to take the kid off of Lexie’s hands, and probably get some take-out or something. Just another normal night.” Her laugh was humorless, and she rubbed at her aching neck.
Mark sighed and tugged her forward into a one-armed hug. “Hang in there, kid. Things’ll get better, I promise.”
Callie closed her eyes and nodded into his shoulder. “I know. They’ve got to, right?” She pulled herself together and leaned away from Mark. “Thanks again for watching the squirt today. I know it can’t be easy for Lexie, considering she’s almost as big as I was when I was seven months pregnant.”
Mark winced. “Please don’t let her hear you say that. And don’t even mention the glowing thing. You won’t know what hit you.”
Callie laughed, for real this time. “Don’t worry, I don’t have a death wish.” She stood up and started to pull on her leather jacket just as the door to the Attendings’ locker room opened.
Both parties looked over to see Arizona shuffling toward them in mid-yawn. “Hey, Sloan.” Arizona shot him a tired smile as she arrived at her locker. “Thanks for picking up Jacquelyn after pre-school. I’m going to try to sort my schedule out more in the next few days so Callie and I are better synced for timing.”
“Not a problem.” Mark grabbed his lab coat and turned back to face Arizona. “It’s good to see you back, Robbins.” He hesitated awkwardly, then reached out to lightly punch her on the shoulder before leaving the two women alone.
Arizona blinked and watched him go. “Wow. Does that mean we’re ‘bros’ now or something?” she asked, clearly amused.
Callie had to chuckle herself. Mark was an amazing guy, but sometimes he was emotionally stunted.
In other words, he was like most men.
But he cared about Arizona, Callie knew he did. It was his way of saying he was glad to see her again, and she was sure Arizona knew that, too.
“Ready to go?”
Callie blinked and found Arizona already changed and putting things into her locker. She must have spaced out in deep thought for a minute there. “Yep, whenever you are.” She shot her partner a light smile as she stood up.
Even in a simple grey t-shirt and jeans, she looked amazing. Callie’s breath never ceased to be taken away by Arizona’s beauty. She could be sad, happy, angry, hurt, or hyper and she was just as stunning as always.
Arizona caught her ogling, and Callie immediately blushed. “Sorry.”
To her surprise, Arizona didn’t shy away or ignore it. Instead, she reached out to take her hand and stepped in nice and close.
“Don’t be sorry.” Arizona tilted her head up at Callie and smiled faintly, gazing directly into those warm, chocolate brown eyes that she was such a sucker for. “C’mere.” Placing her right hand on Callie’s hip, Arizona leaned in just enough to press a light kiss against her lips. Her eyes automatically slipped shut.
It was tentative and soft, but it was a kiss. Callie’s knees wanted to give out on her.
God, she’d missed this woman.
Fighting the urge to roughly pull her in close and show her how it was really done, Callie instead lifted her free hand to gingerly cup Arizona’s cheek in her palm. She stroked her thumb along smooth, perfect skin, sighing into the welcoming contact.
They broke apart a moment later, and Arizona followed it up with a small kiss to the side of Callie’s chin. “C’mon. Let’s pick up junior and go home.”
Callie tightened her grip on Arizona’s hand with a warm squeeze. “Lead the way.” She picked up her bag from the bench and followed the blonde from the locker room, savouring their close contact for the first time in weeks.
It was a start.
---
Chapter 2/5
Author: Faith kennedysbitch
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: R (sensitive subject matter)
Beta’d by georgiaclaire
Summary: After suffering an unexpected tragedy, Arizona has trouble coping and Callie is left trying to hold together the life they’ve built for themselves.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Chapters 1-5
---
“Robbins! I heard a rumor that you were back on campus.”
Arizona glanced up from the Peds desk where she was sitting and quirked a tiny smile at the sound of her best friend’s voice. “It appears those rumors were true.”
Teddy leaned up against the counter and flashed a smile back at her. “I’m glad. It’s been dull around here without you; I’ve been eating lunch on my own for weeks now. It’s like high school all over again.”
Arizona smirked and lifted an eyebrow. “You were a cheerleader in high school, Teddy. I’m sure you did just fine.” She chuckled and looked down at her chart, scribbling in some post-op notes.
She wasn’t oblivious to Teddy’s scrutinizing stare, but chose to ignore it for as long as she possibly could.
Which turned out to not be very long at all.
“Altman. You’re doing that thing that Calliope does.” Arizona kept her eyes on the page.
Teddy appeared not to mind that she’d been caught. “I’m not picturing you naked, Arizona. Relax.”
Arizona had to laugh at that. “And yet you’re still staring. I’m fine. Really.”
“So it appears,” Teddy echoed. When Arizona glanced up and shot her a dirty look, she held up both hands in defense. “I’m not prodding, I swear. It’s just really good to see you again, and if you don’t want to talk about anything in particular, that’s fine with me. But as I told you before, I’m here. Any time you need me to be. Okay?”
Arizona nodded silently, careful to keep herself focused on the paper in front of her for a few extra seconds. “Thanks. I appreciate that.” She hesitated, before finally risking a glance up at the other woman. “Does anyone...?”
“As far as everyone here is concerned, you’ve been using some saved up vacation time.”
Arizona sighed in relief and gave another silent nod. That was good. She didn’t need her personal issues spread around the hospital. Barely anyone knew she had been pregnant in the first place, and she couldn’t take the sympathetic looks or behind-the-hand whispers that would be all too obvious. She might just put a scalpel through someone’s eye, and that would do no good for anyone.
“And thus concludes any words I have to say about anything,” Teddy continued after a beat of silence, sensing Arizona’s need to move on from the sensitive topic. She pushed herself away from the desk and took a step back. “I have a valve replacement in fifteen. Lunch later?”
Arizona was grateful for Teddy’s offer and for her willingness to drop the subject almost as soon as she brought it up. She really just needed to focus on getting through her first day back at work, but it was good to know she had her best friend standing in her corner. “It’s a date.”
“Excellent. See you in a bit.” With that, Teddy turned and headed down the hall for the elevators.
Arizona watched her go briefly, then released a heavy sigh and looked back down at her stack of patient charts. She was glad to be back at work, glad for the distraction. Being here as the caretaker of the tiny humans made her feel something resembling normal again. Something she had yet to feel since losing the baby a little over two weeks ago.
Closing the chart and standing up, Arizona filed it away and stuck the pen back in her breast pocket. She had an appendectomy in half an hour, and a few administrative tasks to take care of before scrubbing in.
As she headed off down the hall to her office, she wished that Calliope had made an appearance on her floor today. She knew it was her own fault that the brunette probably didn’t feel comfortable checking in, but that didn’t mean she didn’t miss her. She did, a lot. Sometimes she simultaneously missed being close to her partner and couldn’t stand the idea of it all at once. It was...confusing and heartbreaking, to say the least. She didn’t know what to do anymore.
It was a never-ending cycle of guilt these days, and it was starting to take its toll.
***
As Teddy scrubbed in, she couldn’t help but think about Arizona and what she was going through. She’d known her for a long time now, and there was rarely a day where the blonde didn’t radiate sunshine and view the glass of life one hundred and ten percent ‘super’ full.
Seeing her like she was now, struggling and trying to come to terms with what had happened, hurt. She wanted to say or do something to make Arizona see the light again, but there was nothing. She knew that. All she could do was offer to be there when she needed it, and stick by her side in silent support even when she refused to talk about it.
Teddy sighed as she vigorously scrubbed the bar of soap up along her forearms, her mind drifting back to the last time she had seen Arizona before her brief leave of absence.
***
Teddy held Arizona’s hand while the blonde blatantly refused to make eye contact with her, opting instead to stare at the far wall with silent tears slowly rolling down her cheeks. She stroked a thumb reassuringly along the back of her hand as they sat in the cold, sterile exam room, waiting for the OB to arrive and perform Arizona’s D&E.
It felt like a rock was sitting in the pit of her stomach. Teddy didn’t know what to do or say in a situation like this, but of course she’d said yes when Arizona had asked her to be there for the procedure. She was surprised, but didn’t hesitate to agree to it.
“She’s late.”
Teddy glanced up as Arizona spoke for the first time in almost ten minutes. Her voice was hoarse and she was still crying silently.
“I’m sure she’ll be here soon,” Teddy reassured softly, squeezing the hand in her own. Arizona returned it, a little harder than before. Teddy noticed that she was shaking slightly by now. “They’ll give you a local anesthetic. You won’t feel a thing.”
Arizona nodded mutely and bit her bottom lip to keep from falling apart even more than she already had.
“Arizona...” Teddy reached up with her other hand to brush her fingers through the blonde’s hair. “Sweetie, are you sure I’m the one you want here? I can page Callie and we can wait for her. I know she’d want to be here.”
Arizona shook her head vigorously. “No. No, I-I don...I don’t want her going through this, too.”
Teddy sighed, but Arizona cut her off before she could protest.
“Please, Teddy, she doesn’t need to see this. Okay? Just...sit with me.”
“Of course.” Teddy held Arizona’s hand a little tighter. “I’m not going anywhere.”
***
It felt good to get the appy out of the way. Arizona’s first surgery back was a complete success, and she’d even go so far as to call it a breeze. The seven-year-old girl would be discharged and sent home with her parents the next afternoon, happy and healthy once more.
As she sat down in the cafeteria and waited for Teddy to arrive, Arizona’s mind drifted into a scattered pattern of thoughts. She wondered why it wasn’t harder for her to be around kids. She’d thought that maybe coming back would provide yet another reminder of how empty and unhappy she felt inside, but seeing her patients actually brightened up her day considerably.
Part of her thought it might have something to do with the fact that in some ways, she could protect these children, help them get better. With these kids’ lives, she was at least partly in control, and had a say in whether or not they lived or died.
Unlike her own, apparently.
Arizona closed her eyes and ducked her head down, rubbing her fingertips along the bridge of her nose at the oncoming headache she could suddenly feel looming behind her skull.
Rationally, she knew that sometimes miscarriages just happened, even at fifteen weeks. She knew that there was nothing she could have done to prevent it. She had no reason to blame herself - she had stayed healthy, eaten the right things, taken the right vitamins, exercised the right amount without going over the top. She was a role model for pregnant women everywhere.
And yet she’d still lost their baby.
Irrationally, Arizona felt an anger and sadness that she’d never felt before. She wanted someone to blame, and she was the only logical answer, even though she really did know that it wasn’t her fault. But that knowledge didn’t make it any easier to deal with on a day-to-day basis, and that sucked.
Empty, sad, and angry - three adjectives that had never before described her in her entire life, up until now. Even when she’d lost her brother, she’d felt the sadness and the anger, but she’d known deep down that he gave his life serving his country and doing something that he loved. His death was still as senseless as the war he was fighting on someone else’s behalf, but she knew how and why it had happened.
She had no answers for why her body had suddenly rejected their baby.
A tray heavy with food smacked down onto the table across from her and Arizona started, nerves fraying at the sudden jolt back into reality.
Teddy winced and smiled apologetically. “Sorry.” She sank down into the nearest chair and pretended that she hadn’t noticed the solemn, far-off look in Arizona’s eyes moments before. “I grabbed you lasagna when I saw you didn’t have anything yet. Don’t make me force feed it to you.” She passed over the styrofoam container and a fork. “Eat. Before I start making airplane noises.”
Arizona smiled weakly and popped open the container. “Thanks.” She wasn’t in the mood for food, truth be told, but she ate it anyway to placate the other woman. “How’d the valve replacement go?”
“Good. I let Eriksson do the majority of the work while I read a magazine. He’s pretty decent. Reminds me of how Yang used to be.”
“Power hungry and robot-like?”
Teddy grinned crookedly. “Not nearly as neurotic and not quite at Yang’s skill level, but yeah, pretty much.”
“How’s she doing? Are her and Owen still in Boston?”
“As far as I know. She’ll be replacing Dr. Fairbanks as the Head of Cardio at Mass Gen within a few years when he retires.”
“You sound like a proud mama,” Arizona teased, nibbling on a spoonful of lasagna. “Your little one is all grown up.”
“Hard to believe,” Teddy chuckled. She set down her own fork and swiped a napkin across her lips. “Speaking of little ones, how’s Jackie doing these days? I haven’t seen her in ages.”
“Oh my God, Teddy, you will not believe how fast she’s growing,” Arizona gushed. “I swear she shoots up a few inches every week. She’s loving pre-school, already becoming a social butterfly, and is way smarter than any other almost-four-year-old on the planet.” Arizona’s whole face radiated with pride, and it was the first time all day Teddy had seen the blonde look anything remotely like her usual self.
“With two brilliant surgeons as parents, I’m not surprised.” Teddy reached over and stabbed her fork into Arizona’s lasagna, stealing a bite. “Y’know she asked me if I’ll let her play with one of the ‘leftover broken hearts’ I fix the next time I babysit? I think I see a future student. A miniature Cardio God in the making.”
Arizona laughed and ate one more small bite of food before setting her utensil down. “Don’t tell Calliope. She’ll be crushed.”
“Crushed about what?”
Glancing up, Arizona saw Callie appear from behind and sit down in the empty chair to her right. She smiled warmly at her girlfriend. “We were just talking about how awesome Jac is. And how she’s going into cardiothoracics someday.”
Callie smiled a little at mention of their daughter and took a sip from her coffee cup. “Isn’t she a little young to be deciding her future already? Last week she wanted to be an astronaut so she could feed the space monkeys that live on the moon. I wouldn’t hold your breath, Teddy.”
The three women shared a good laugh.
Arizona couldn’t help but notice some of the tension that was framing her girlfriend’s shoulders, and the way her brown eyes would only flicker over briefly, never staying on her for too long. She felt bad for making Callie so paranoid about hovering, she was afraid to even look at her.
Arizona reached over under the table and placed a hand against Callie’s scrub-clad thigh, her thumb stroking gently over top of the material. She felt her relax a little, and made a point of scooting her chair an inch or so closer. “How’s your day been so far? Lots of broken bones?”
“Mostly scheduled knee and hip replacements. No emergencies, fortunately.” Callie placed her left hand over top of Arizona’s and gave it a firm squeeze. “How about you? Dare I ask.” She smiled a little to show that she was joking - somewhat, anyway.
“Good so far. Completed an appy with no problems, so that ominous ‘first cut back’ is over with. Unless something comes in later, I think I’ll be off by five. You?”
“Same.” Callie smiled at the thought of spending some time with her family. If Arizona stayed in an okay mood like she seemed to be in now, she harbored hope they could maybe even snuggle on the couch a little bit.
Teddy’s pager went off across the table and she glanced down at it. “Shoot. I’ve gotta run.” She stood up, sweeping her eyes over her best friend and her partner. She felt comfortable leaving Arizona now that she looked happier and had some company. She knew things must be impossibly difficult these days between them; she saw how tired and strained Callie looked on a daily basis here at work while Arizona was home recovering. But they were a solid couple, and she knew without a doubt that they could pull through anything together. Even something as impossible as this.
“Peter’s making dinner for some colleagues of his on Friday night, so I convinced him to let me have my turn next week some time. You guys in?”
Teddy’s husband, Peter Machol, was a lawyer in criminal prosecution. Arizona liked him - he was good for Teddy, and she for him. They were a perfect match. Which was why Arizona had set them up two years ago.
“Of course. We wouldn’t miss it for the world. That man can cook.” Arizona grinned at Teddy.
“I’m all for it. A night off to let someone else do all the work for once would be nice.” Callie’s grin matched Arizona’s as the blonde elbowed her lightly in the side. “Count us in.”
“Great.” Teddy’s pager beeped again, and with a quick wave she dashed off through the cafeteria exit.
Callie feared for a moment that Arizona would revert back to silence now that they were alone together, but to her delight, the blonde sighed softly and leaned in to rest her head against her left shoulder. “I’m exhausted, Calliope. How in the hell did I ever manage full eighteen hour shifts before? I’ve been here for exactly six and I’m ready to pass out.” She kept the hand she had on Callie’s thigh where it was and gave another small squeeze.
“I know, honey. I’m tired, too.” Callie reached across with her right hand to tuck back a blonde curl behind Arizona’s ear. “If we can make it to five, we can get out of here together. Just leave your car in the parking lot and we can pick it up tomorrow morning.”
“My car?” Arizona lifted her head and quirked a cute grin at her partner. “Why can’t we leave your car here and take mine?”
Callie blinked. “Um. Because I drive a Mercedes that’s worth almost as much as we both make in a year, and you still drive a rust bucket. By choice, might I add. My car won’t be here in the morning if we leave it behind; yours will just blend in.”
“It’s economical,” Arizona defended. “And barely eight years old!”
“It’s barely distinguishable from a pile of medical waste!”
Arizona rolled her eyes and playfully nudged Callie in the shoulder. “You’re such a brat.”
The brunette grinned. “You know you love it.” She took the hand that was resting on top of Arizona’s and moved it up to slide around her shoulders, tugging her in even closer.
Arizona closed her eyes and sighed very softly under her breath. “I need a nap. Got some time to spend with me in an on-call room?”
Any other day, any other time, under any other circumstances...Callie would have taken that one and run with it.
But she knew better right now. Arizona was still healing, physically and emotionally, and sex was out of the question for the time being. “Of course I do. I would love to-”
Her pager went off.
Callie closed her eyes and growled very quietly under her breath. “-destroy whoever is paging me right now. Damn it.” She reluctantly released Arizona’s shoulders, and the blonde sat back up as Callie checked her pager. “Ah, damn. Incoming trauma.” It pained her to leave - she needed the physical connection of just being able to hold Arizona in her arms again. It was so rare these days, and she just knew if she didn’t take advantage now, she might lose the chance entirely.
But patients with severely broken bones came first, unfortunately so.
“Go ahead,” Arizona quickly replied, shooting Callie what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “I’m gonna go take that nap, then try to power through the rest of my shift. We can meet later and pick Jacquelyn up together, then have a nice quiet evening on the couch. Sound good?”
Callie had to fight the urge to fist-pump in the air at the prospect. Partly because she didn’t want to get her hopes up too high, in case Arizona’s mood changed again.
She prayed that it didn’t.
“Count me in, baby.” Standing up, Callie placed a hand on Arizona’s shoulder and leaned down to plant a soft, quick kiss on her lips. And then, because it had been so long since she’d done so, she stayed hunched over and circled both arms around Arizona’s neck and shoulders, hugging her closely. “I love you.”
Arizona closed her eyes and reached back to brush her fingertips along Callie’s cheek. “I love you too, sweetie.”
With great reluctance, Callie released her and stood back up, shooting her one last smile before heading out of the cafeteria.
Alone again, Arizona did her best to focus on the residual tingling against her lips that Callie’s kiss had left behind, while she packed up the leftover food onto one tray. Standing, she took in a deep breath, steeling herself to power through the five minute walk it would take to get to the on-call room, and headed off to dump their garbage in an trash can.
***
Despite her best efforts, Callie spent the rest of the day worried about whether she’d go into the locker room at the end of her shift and find Arizona Robbins, Pediatric Surgeon waiting for her, or Arizona Robbins, Empty Shell in her place.
It was harsh, but true to her experience. She never knew anymore which version of Arizona she would come home to at the end of the night.
Callie loved both Arizonas equally, she really, truly did. It absolutely gutted her to know how much emotional pain the love of her life was in right now, but she was at a loss for what to do anymore. If she tried to get close, she got shoved away. If she gave Arizona space, she felt guilty and sick to her stomach, because she couldn’t handle not being there for her.
And through all of it, she was trying desperately to come to terms with the fact that almost four months in to what appeared to be a happy, healthy pregnancy, they’d lost their second child without any warning.
“Earth to Torres.”
Callie looked up to find Mark staring at her with his patented ‘Mark Sloan’ smile. “What?”
His expression fell. “Hi?”
Callie shook her head to clear it from her gloomy thoughts, forcing out a smile for his sake as she shrugged off her lab coat and hung it up in her locker. “Sorry. Hi.” She turned more fully to face him as he pulled off his shirt and exchanged it for a scrub top.
Mark knew what Callie was going through. Not on a personal level, but he’d been there for the times she’d fallen apart. He’d been her shoulder to lean on these last two weeks, and he knew the toll it was taking on her to not be able to get through to Robbins. Mark knew Callie, and she wanted to protect those she loved more than she wanted to take care of herself.
It was one of the things that made her such a great friend. And right now he wanted to be there for her in return, no matter what.
“Going home?” Mark pulled on his scrubs and smoothed them down in the front. “Mini You was doing burn-outs around the apartment after Lexie picked her up from pre-school. If she’s not already napping, then she’ll be out like a light as soon as you get her home.”
Callie sighed a little in relief. Jacquelyn had an abundance of energy, and getting her to sleep most nights was exhausting. Hopefully they could feed and bathe her, and she’d be asleep for the rest of the night after a good bedtime story. “Thanks, Mark. We’re really grateful to you and Lex for everything these past few weeks. You two have been a big help.”
“Don’t mention it.” Mark closed his locker and sat down on the bench between the two rows. “How are you doing?”
If that wasn’t a loaded question these days, she didn’t know what was. “Good. As good as I can be. Better, even.” Callie sat down, one leg straddling either side of the bench, and faced him. “Arizona’s first day back seemed to be going well when I saw her earlier. She wanted to make plans to spend some time together at home tonight, so that’s progress, right?” She tried to smile, but it was difficult.
Mark knew she was struggling right then, and he reached out to place a hand on her shoulder with a firm squeeze. “It is. She’s moving forward. That’s good.”
Nodding, Callie got a far-off look in her eyes. She thought back to before all of this had happened, the events of the last few years that had finally made her world feel as though it were whole again.
They bought a house. Well, they bought land and were getting a house built on it, and in the meantime were living in a not-too-shabby one-story rental a neighborhood away from their old apartment. Which Mark and his wife had moved into, upon her, Arizona and Jacquelyn vacating the premises a year and a half ago. She missed being right across the street from the hospital, but it was only a short drive and in a really nice neighborhood. Their future house was a little further away still, but it was going to be perfect when it was complete and would make the longer drive a thousand times more worth it.
She was building her dream home for her dream family. A child she never thought she could possibly love as much as she loved Jac, and a - for all intents and purposes - wife that completed the other half of her soul. Everything was set to be completely perfect from here on out.
Until the universe spat on them.
Callie sighed heavily, closing her eyes and squaring her shoulders before she turned into an emotional wreck. She didn’t want to right now. She wanted to sit here and wait for her girlfriend, and look forward to spending an awesome evening together on the couch watching old movies and eating popcorn. “Just waiting for her to get here so we can leave together. We’ll swing by the apartment to take the kid off of Lexie’s hands, and probably get some take-out or something. Just another normal night.” Her laugh was humorless, and she rubbed at her aching neck.
Mark sighed and tugged her forward into a one-armed hug. “Hang in there, kid. Things’ll get better, I promise.”
Callie closed her eyes and nodded into his shoulder. “I know. They’ve got to, right?” She pulled herself together and leaned away from Mark. “Thanks again for watching the squirt today. I know it can’t be easy for Lexie, considering she’s almost as big as I was when I was seven months pregnant.”
Mark winced. “Please don’t let her hear you say that. And don’t even mention the glowing thing. You won’t know what hit you.”
Callie laughed, for real this time. “Don’t worry, I don’t have a death wish.” She stood up and started to pull on her leather jacket just as the door to the Attendings’ locker room opened.
Both parties looked over to see Arizona shuffling toward them in mid-yawn. “Hey, Sloan.” Arizona shot him a tired smile as she arrived at her locker. “Thanks for picking up Jacquelyn after pre-school. I’m going to try to sort my schedule out more in the next few days so Callie and I are better synced for timing.”
“Not a problem.” Mark grabbed his lab coat and turned back to face Arizona. “It’s good to see you back, Robbins.” He hesitated awkwardly, then reached out to lightly punch her on the shoulder before leaving the two women alone.
Arizona blinked and watched him go. “Wow. Does that mean we’re ‘bros’ now or something?” she asked, clearly amused.
Callie had to chuckle herself. Mark was an amazing guy, but sometimes he was emotionally stunted.
In other words, he was like most men.
But he cared about Arizona, Callie knew he did. It was his way of saying he was glad to see her again, and she was sure Arizona knew that, too.
“Ready to go?”
Callie blinked and found Arizona already changed and putting things into her locker. She must have spaced out in deep thought for a minute there. “Yep, whenever you are.” She shot her partner a light smile as she stood up.
Even in a simple grey t-shirt and jeans, she looked amazing. Callie’s breath never ceased to be taken away by Arizona’s beauty. She could be sad, happy, angry, hurt, or hyper and she was just as stunning as always.
Arizona caught her ogling, and Callie immediately blushed. “Sorry.”
To her surprise, Arizona didn’t shy away or ignore it. Instead, she reached out to take her hand and stepped in nice and close.
“Don’t be sorry.” Arizona tilted her head up at Callie and smiled faintly, gazing directly into those warm, chocolate brown eyes that she was such a sucker for. “C’mere.” Placing her right hand on Callie’s hip, Arizona leaned in just enough to press a light kiss against her lips. Her eyes automatically slipped shut.
It was tentative and soft, but it was a kiss. Callie’s knees wanted to give out on her.
God, she’d missed this woman.
Fighting the urge to roughly pull her in close and show her how it was really done, Callie instead lifted her free hand to gingerly cup Arizona’s cheek in her palm. She stroked her thumb along smooth, perfect skin, sighing into the welcoming contact.
They broke apart a moment later, and Arizona followed it up with a small kiss to the side of Callie’s chin. “C’mon. Let’s pick up junior and go home.”
Callie tightened her grip on Arizona’s hand with a warm squeeze. “Lead the way.” She picked up her bag from the bench and followed the blonde from the locker room, savouring their close contact for the first time in weeks.
It was a start.
---