Absent Secrets (3/5)

Dec 13, 2010 16:41

Absent Secrets

Chapter 3/5
Author: Faith kennedysbitch
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: R (sensitive subject matter)

Summary: After suffering an unexpected tragedy, Arizona has trouble coping and Callie is left trying to hold together the life they’ve built for themselves.

Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

Chapters 1-5



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Arizona dozed on the family room couch while Callie took her turn in the shower. Normally they’d conserve water and take one together after a long day at work, but given the circumstances it was silently agreed between them that that would be a bad idea right now.

A full ten hour day on her feet - which was short, for a surgeon - had left Arizona tired and aching. She was still feeling the occasional throb or twinge of abdominal pain as her body healed, and right now seemed to be a particularly uncomfortable moment.

As she lay on her right side, head propped up with a single pillow, her ears picked up on the quiet shuffle of tiny feet across the carpet. Her mouth twitched a little, but she managed to keep the smile off of her face and her eyes closed when she felt Jacquelyn’s presence appear in front of her.

The little girl said nothing for several seconds, just stared at Arizona as she lay there on the couch pretending to sleep. Then she reached up and flicked her in the forehead.

Arizona twitched and wrinkled her nose. “Hey,” she pouted, popping one eye open to glare at her daughter. “What kinda way to wake someone up is that?” She didn’t wait for an answer as she lunged forward and scooped her up into her arms, eliciting a loud giggle from the little girl. She pulled Jac down onto the couch and rolled onto her back.

“Mama!” Wiggling in her mother’s grasp, Jacquelyn accidentally kneed Arizona in the lower gut.

Arizona grunted and a flash of pain passed over her face, but she quickly buried it and tugged her daughter down into her arms. “I thought your mommy read you a bedtime story already. How come you’re awake? It’s late.”

Jacquelyn made a face and giggled once more as Arizona’s fingers dug into her tummy and tickled. “Not tired! Stop it!”

“Not tired?” Arizona grinned and tightened her hold on Jacquelyn so she couldn’t escape the assault. “Why not?”

“Because!” Her high-pitched laughter was infectious, and Arizona soon joined in.

She finally gave mercy and stopped, wrapping both arms around Jacquelyn’s little body and rolling onto her left side, facing into the couch. Jac immediately curled up against her. “You should be tired. You had a busy day at school and with Uncle Mark and Aunt Lexie.” Arizona brushed her fingers through her daughter’s curly dark hair. “Do you need another story?”

“No.” Jacquelyn bunched her little fists around the front of Arizona’s pajama shirt and snuggled in closer. “Just a few more minutes with you and mommy. Please?”

Arizona ‘hmm’ed softly and pretended to think. “I don’t know...it’s past your bed time, and you’ve got an early day tomorrow.”

“Please mama? Please-please? I’ll go to bed super early tomorrow!” Jackie said it with such emphasis and enthusiasm that Arizona almost laughed.

Who was she to resist hugs from her favourite tiny human?

After a moment, she sighed more heavily than was necessary for such an easy decision. “Okay. But just until your mom gets out of the shower, then I’m tucking you back in bed. Got it?”

“Read me a story?”

“Yes, I’ll read you another story.” Arizona curled both arms around Jacquelyn’s back as the child snuggled up against her chest. She ran her palm soothingly up and down over the blue Ninja Turtle pajama top Jackie wore.

Calliope’s purchase, of course. She even had all of the DVDs from the 1980/1990’s original version. The two brunettes watched episodes together on weekends.

Despite her daughter’s assurances, Arizona knew she’d be out like a light within minutes. And, of course, she was right. Jac was about as asleep as one could get by the time Callie emerged from the master bedroom.

She immediately broke out in a smile as she peered over the back of the couch and rested her forearms against the soft suede. Her heart warmed as she watched their daughter curled up in Arizona’s arms, the blonde slowly rubbing her back and stroking her fingers through her hair. “She couldn’t sleep?”

Arizona glanced up at Callie and quirked a tiny smile of her own. “We were waiting for you to finish.” Her eyes traveled back down to the sleeping child in her arms. “She had a busy day.”

“She did.” Callie couldn’t take her eyes off of her girls. Despite how emotional these last few weeks had been, one thing had never changed - how much she loved them both.

Making her way around to the front of the couch, Callie reached down to brush her fingertips against Arizona’s temple. “Want me to put her to bed again?”

“I’ve got her.” Very carefully, doing her best not to wake the sleeping girl, Arizona gathered Jacquelyn close and rolled over. She sat up, adjusting the little body so she was resting on her hip and draped against her shoulder, and pushed up to her feet.

True to being her mother’s daughter, Jacquelyn let out a tiny little half snore, half sigh, and stayed fast asleep.

Holding on tightly, Arizona slowly made her way down the hall, Callie following closely behind. Neither of them bothered turning on the bedroom light, instead allowing the less harsh glare from the hallway to flow in. Callie stayed in the door and watched as Arizona carefully picked her way through the books and games strewn across the carpet towards the bed in the far corner.

Arizona gently put Jacquelyn down on her back and settled her in. The girl shifted a bit and groaned quietly as her mom tucked a stuffed pony into her right arm and pulled the covers up to her neck.

“Mama?”

“Shh, baby, go back to sleep,” Arizona said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed and running her fingers through dark strands of hair once more. She waited while Jackie squirmed to get more comfortable, and for her facial features to relax as she slipped back into a deep sleep. Arizona leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, watching her in silence for a moment.

It completely blew her mind how much she loved their daughter. When Callie came into her life, Arizona had been immediately knocked on her ass by how amazing of a human being she was, and how strongly she felt for her. She knew without a doubt that until Callie, she had never really been in love before. She had loved, certainly, but never been in love.

The day that Jacquelyn Michelle Torres was born, Arizona’s heart opened up to a whole new level.

It still floored her how much time had passed between the first moment she held the tiny infant in her arms, crying her eyes out at how beautiful she was and how much she looked like her mother, and where they were now. Four years had been both amazingly short and incredibly long of a journey. Jacquelyn was her own little person now, and Arizona loved her more than she physically thought was possible. It had never for one single second bothered her in the least that Callie was related by blood and she wasn’t.

Callie was her family. Now Callie and Jacquelyn were. Nothing anyone said would ever convinced her otherwise.

Arizona sat on the edge of Jackie’s bed for a few minutes, running her fingers gingerly through her dark and unruly curls as they splayed across her pillow. She looked so peaceful and content, it was hard to tear her eyes away. But she did, eventually, wanting to make sure their little girl got enough sleep. She was grumpy as a bear when she was tired, something else she had inherited from her mother. Both of them, most likely.

Arizona bent down one last time to press another loving kiss against Jacquelyn’s forehead before standing up and moving back over to the door. Still leaning against the frame, Callie flashed that gorgeous smile of hers and Arizona found herself automatically returning it. She turned around to watch their daughter drift off, and felt an arm slide smoothly around her waist.

Callie tugged Arizona back into her body, careful to remain gentle in the process. When the blonde relaxed and didn’t pull away, her right arm tightened its hold just a little bit and she rested her chin on Arizona’s shoulder. “We did a good job with that one, huh? She’s pretty amazing.”

Arizona leaned back into her girlfriend. “She really is.” She closed her eyes and turned to press her forehead into Callie’s temple.

For just a moment, this very moment, she felt content for the first time in what felt like forever.

Callie held Arizona closely and gazed into the darkness of their daughter’s room at her unmoving form on the bed. She could sense her partner’s exhaustion, and was willing to stay standing here for as long as she needed to if it gave the blonde some measure of peace. She’d earned it.

Callie eventually closed her eyes and ducked her head down to kiss lightly along the side of Arizona’s neck. It was such a familiar and intimate gesture between the two of them, one that she hadn’t been able to do as often as she would have liked in the last few weeks. The fact that Arizona sighed contently and relaxed even more into her arms sent a flutter of hope up through her chest.

If Arizona would just start letting her in, she would keep pushing forward and hope for the blonde to gradually open up all the way. She would be patient and wait for as long as she needed to, just as long as they kept progressing.

She needed the love of her life back full time, and not just in these intermediate moments that happened at random and never lasted for more than half a day at most.

Part of Arizona’s easy acceptance of their closeness was simply due to exhaustion. She was too tired to put any effort into fighting it or working on closing herself off. She also missed feeling Calliope’s arms around her and the comfort her warm body brought. This was a nice reminder of how good it felt to let go and lean into the other woman when she was feeling down.

But like all good things, it came to an end the moment she felt Callie’s fingers brush underneath the hem of her shirt, against the bare skin of her stomach.

It was a gentle, familiar touch, one that she had felt countless times over the years. It wasn’t suggestive; purely innocent and loving in nature. But it was enough to break the spell.

Callie felt it in an instant. Arizona stiffened in her grasp and she had to fight the urge to clamp an arm down around her waist, just to keep her from tearing away. She let the blonde slide out of her hold and turn back around, clearing her throat softly and trying to make the transition as awkward-less as possible.

But they both knew.

Making an effort not to push Callie away completely, Arizona smiled shyly and brushed their fingers together, but didn’t take her hand. “C’mon. Let’s let her get some sleep.” They both stepped out of the doorway and Arizona closed it most of the way behind them, leaving two or three inches open. She stepped past Callie and padded back into to the living room, averting her eyes and trying to gather her thoughts.

She hated hurting Callie like this. Hated it. She hated that her first reaction to her girlfriend’s touch there was one of stomach-churning guilt that brought on a sudden and unexpected wave of sadness. She wanted to go back to the way things were before, when she could curl up in Callie’s arms and have the woman touch her any and every way she desired to, when it would bring nothing but pleasure. She just couldn’t seem to get there, no matter how hard she tried.

For her part, Callie kept her distance as she followed Arizona down the hall, heart sinking down into the soles of her feet. She had been so close, just for a minute there, and thought that maybe, just maybe...

It was so much easier to tell herself that she could be patient and wait as long as it took while she was holding the love of her life in her arms. But the second she pulled away, Callie felt that familiar twist in her gut that told her she didn’t know how much more of this she could take. She needed her girlfriend. To be there for her, and Arizona to be there in return.

She needed to not go through this alone, while she was forced to watch the Arizona Robbins she knew disintegrate right before her very eyes.

“I’m gonna put some popcorn in the microwave,” Arizona called as she headed into the kitchen, risking a glance back over her shoulder with a somewhat shy smile. “Would you like a drink?”

Callie hesitated. She wanted to just...go to bed and forget about everything that was happening to them, truth be told. She was annihilated from the effort of pushing through the last few weeks, and getting rejected yet again tonight wasn’t doing anything to help her mood. But Arizona was making an effort to signal that she still wanted to spend some time together, and Callie wasn’t about to refuse it.

Even though a part of her wanted to. Having half an Arizona keeping her physical and emotional distance right next to her was almost worse than having no Arizona at all in an empty bed.

“Water is fine.” Callie flashed a weak smile before sinking down onto the couch. She waited until she heard Arizona working away in the kitchen and the microwave going before closing her eyes and slumping back with a sigh. She ran a hand down her face and took in a shaky breath.

God, she was so tired. All she could feel was the soft, sweet skin beneath her fingertips, even from that one single moment she had been able to touch it again. Touch her again. She wanted to do it more, to hold Arizona against her body, to kiss the pain away and take solace in her embrace.

She was hurting. A lot. Mostly because she hadn’t had a chance to grieve openly with the one person that really mattered the most. She’d had to tell their daughter, who thankfully had known nothing of the pregnancy yet, that her mama was sick and would be spending a few weeks at home while she got better. But not to worry, mama would be good as new in no time at all. She was going to be okay.

Jackie was a smart kid. She knew Arizona was anything but fine. It both warmed Callie’s heart and broke it simultaneously to watch her two girls together. Arizona was trying so hard for Jacquelyn, but just didn’t seem to have it in her to try for herself. To try for Callie.

Callie’s only source of comfort was in watching Arizona and their daughter interact. It was the only time she’d see a real, genuine smile on her girlfriend’s face. A smile that let her know the Arizona Robbins she knew and loved was still in there somewhere.

For now, that’s what she would hold on to. That’s all she had.

“You okay?” Arizona’s voice sounded a bit tentative, and Callie opened her eyes to glance up and find the blonde standing over her with a bowl of popcorn and glass of water. She looked a little afraid to be asking, but concerned none the less.

Callie forced out the best smile she could muster up and scooted over on the couch to make room. “Yeah. Long day is all.” She leaned forward to grab the universal remote from the coffee table and flicked on the TV, then proceeded to surf through the on-demand videos in their Netflix account. “Pick your poison. Cheesy romance barf fest, zombie apocalypse, medical drama, spy thriller, or aliens and their probes.”

Arizona sat down and tossed some popcorn into her mouth, frowning in thought. “Hm. My gut is going for zombies, but then I’m just gonna have nightmares. And I don’t care much for probes.” She grinned sideways at her partner. “How about something more classic instead?”

Callie flicked through their choices. “The Shop Around the Corner? 1940. It falls under romantic and cheesy, but at least I don’t have to look at Vince Vaughn’s face again. I’m game if that’s what you want.” She admittedly had a soft spot for classic love stories herself, but her girlfriend had been sworn to secrecy years ago on that fact. Heaven forbid anyone find out that Calliope Torres loved cheesy romances just as much as the next woman.

Arizona chuckled and nodded over at Callie. “Works for me.” Truthfully, she didn’t care what they watched. Chances were she wouldn’t make it through an entire film without falling asleep anyway, but she was going to make the attempt. Despite what Callie might have thought, she needed her company. Craved it, even.

A day at work, back out in the ‘real world’, had given her just the slightest push out of the bubble she’d been trapped inside of for the last few weeks at home. Forcing herself to get out of the house and interact with patients and coworkers had served as...not a wake-up call, but definitely a nudge in what she hoped was the right direction.

She was trying here. She really was.

Arizona nibbled at the popcorn and gradually scooted closer to Callie, until she was gently pressed up against her side. She felt the brunette stiffen a little, but neither of them pulled away. She handed her the bowl after a few minutes and reached behind them to pull a blanket over the back of the couch. The twisting motion caused a sudden, sharp jolt in her abdomen and she paused, sucking in a breath and automatically pressing a hand over the site.

Callie immediately set the bowl on the coffee table and turned to Arizona. “Honey, are you okay?” Her chocolate brown eyes shone with worry.

Arizona forced out a weak smile and nodded. “Yeah. Jac kind of inadvertently nailed me in the gut when I grabbed her earlier. Just a little sore.”

“Do you want me to grab your heating pad?” Callie’s fingers reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind Arizona’s ear.

“No, I’m fine, really.” She saw Callie immediately look away and sigh. She had been saying the word ‘fine’ a lot lately. It probably didn’t hold much value between them anymore. “Really, sweetie. It’s nothing serious, I promise.”

Callie nodded reluctantly and began to extract her hand from Arizona’s cheek.

“Hey.” Arizona caught the appendage and brought it up to her lips, pressing a soft kiss against the back of her knuckles. “Lie down with me?”

Callie didn’t know whether Arizona was placating her or not, but one look into those tentative, almost fearful blue eyes was enough to melt whatever building resentment she’d been holding on to. Not for Arizona herself, but for the situation as a whole. “Of course. C’mere.”

She moved down and settled onto her right side, pressing up against the back of the couch and making room for Arizona to slide down in front of her. The blonde pulled the blanket over, and Callie helped tuck them both in comfortably.

She hesitated, not knowing where to touch Arizona, but ended up settling for placing a hand on her hip. She didn’t want to risk the same reaction as before and end up scaring her off for good tonight.

Arizona sighed at the knowledge that she once again had Callie more paranoid than was necessary. She’d been so amazingly perfect since everything had happened, giving her space but making sure it was known that she was there when needed.

She did tend to hover sometimes, though. Callie had that way about her where Arizona just knew all it took was one single look for the brunette to know everything she was feeling inside. It bothered and unnerved Arizona these days because she felt so lost most of the time, and she didn’t want it affecting Callie. But she wished she had been better about it, wished she didn’t get a sick feeling in her stomach any time Callie tried to comfort her. It wasn’t the brunette’s fault she was in pain, and she didn’t blame her in the least, but trying to get close like that again was hard for her.

That didn’t mean she didn’t miss the physical contact anyway. She did. Almost more than she could stand.

Taking in a shaky breath, not paying even the slightest amount of attention to the movie, Arizona reached back to grasp Callie’s hand in her own and pull it around her front. She held them bunched against her midsection, but both hands gradually smoothed out until Callie’s palm was flat against her stomach. She swallowed back audibly, shivering once, but did her best to shove down the flight response that came so automatically to her these days.

Callie could feel the tension, and it killed her. She sighed into the back of Arizona’s neck and nuzzled into her hair, closing her eyes and breathing in her heady scent. “I used to touch you here all the time,” she murmured, afraid of breaking the temporary resolve Arizona seemed to be holding on to. “Before we even had the notion of kids in our heads, I used to touch you here all the time.” She very carefully brushed her fingers over top of the thin cotton material covering Arizona’s abdomen.

“I know. I loved it. Istill love it.” Arizona closed her eyes, willing herself to relax. “It’s just...” She trailed off with a frown. “I don’t know why. It reminds me of...everything, without me wanting it to.” She squeezed the hand she had over top of Callie’s. “I’m sorry.”

Callie shook her head. “Don’t apologize to me. None of this was your fault.” She tightened the arm she had around Arizona’s midsection and held her closer. “I just miss you, baby. I miss you so much.”

Arizona swallowed hard, her lower lip trembling. She fought like hell not to break down again; she was so sick of breaking down. She wanted to at least make an attempt to be strong, to be normal. She missed feeling Callie this close to her on a regular basis. Her stomach was still doing flip-flops, but she shoved down the sensation and did her best to try and relax. She didn’t think she was ready to have ‘the talk’ about it yet, not right now when things were going okay between them. She didn’t want to ruin this moment completely, because she knew she might not be able to make it all the way through that conversation.

Arizona wanted to protect Callie from the way she was feeling right now. From that crushing knowledge of what they’d truly lost. She knew that the brunette was feeling it too, but...she didn’t know everything.

And Arizona wanted to keep it that way.

Callie felt Arizona slowly stiffen in front of her and started to retract her arm, but the blonde hurriedly tightened her grip and tugged it in closer, holding on for what felt like dear life. That scared Callie a little. “Ari?”

Arizona let out an almost silent breath, tears brimming behind her eyes again. “Can we just...” She squeezed them shut and held on even tighter. “Can you just hold me?”

Callie immediately shifted under the blanket so she had a better, stronger grip on her partner. Her body contoured up against Arizona’s, and she buried her face into the back of her neck. It took effort on her part not to get overly emotional herself, because she was pretty sure neither of them could handle being in tears at the same time.

She needed to be strong for Arizona, and as long as she wanted her by her side, Callie wasn’t going anywhere.

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fanfiction, series fiction, grey's anatomy

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