"What Comes Out"
A month ago, I attended an Aikibudo gasshuku (“training camp”) in Gainesville, FL. Upon seeing the level of dialog with our students, the teacher at the seminar gave us a very valuable piece of advice.
“Filter what comes out of them. Don't worry so much about what goes in. You don't have very much control over that.”
What a revolutionary sentiment.
This seems so stupidly simple, but I got it wrong for so many years. In the past, if a student was not doing something the way I wanted it, I would explain it until I was blue in the face. I'd hit them with about six or seven different analogies, hoping one would drive home. I'd explain the Japanese name for what was going on, and what the different kanji in it meant. The end result would be what I've lovingly termed “mens extermino” (burnt brain), that glass-eyed stare that says “Dear God, I'm beyond overload into some new realm I can't quite describe... but I do want to punch you in the face.”
Between the few times I've caused it and the innumberable times I've worn it, I've learned to recognize that facial expression really well.
Sensei's piece of advice does make a ton of sense. I don't know why I didn't think of it myself. In my professional life as a criminal lawyer, the variation of peoples' perception is a gospel tenet. Ask any criminal lawyer in this country, “If ten people see something, how many different stories will there be?”
If he doesn't say “ten”, ask to see his law degree before you give him any money.
Budo training is no different. I've shown the same thing to three students, and gotten three widely varying behaviors... none of which resembled the one I was trying to confer.
Bearing this piece of advice in mind, I now try and explain completely, then make them do it a lot and filter their output. I get much better results that way, and it takes a lot longer for them to get to the “I've got nothing left” zone. This is a much more efficient use of everyone's energy.
Of course, if this piece of advice only made me think about martial arts, I certainly would not bother posting it on a non-martial arts forum. The reason I post it here is because I think, like many things in the martial ways, the idea has applications far beyond fighting techniques.
There is a group in the world that I really wished embraced more of the “filter what comes out, not what goes in” mentality. Do you know who it is?
Parents.
Too often, I see parents trying to obsessively control what their children take in. Even well into the child's teenage years, I see parents trying to control what ideas the children are exposed to. These parents treat ideas that differ from their own like some deadly disease, and they do not want their children “infected”.
I find that this type of practice breeds not only over-confrontational parents, but also children who are woefully unequipped for the world's diversity. As I said before, I'm a criminal lawyer. I've done a lot of work with juveniles. I'm under no illusion as to when kids lose their innocence and see how the world really works. It's nowhere near age eighteen. It is a lot sooner, and a parent's “control” over his child's actions ends proportionately early. Back when I consulted with parents, I used to say, "I hope you planted the seed by the time your child is twelve... because by that time, they're their own person."
In a few months I'm getting married. My brother is having his first daughter in November. Needless to say, I've been giving this whole “parenting” idea some thought, because I think it will become a reality within the next few years of my life. Unlike my parents, I am not going to sustain the fervent belief that I can “control” my children and what they perceive.
I have no doubt that the world will probably educate my children as to four-letter words, the birds and bees, violence, and racism well before I'd like them to experience those things. Instead of trying to obsessively plug my fingers in the “dam” keeping out that information... I'd like to teach my kids how to “swim in the water” when it comes in.
That is, to try and foster in them strong and independent minds, so that they can intelligently deal with this “adult information”... because, it's like Sensei says, it's damn near impossible to control what comes in.
But you can bet your ass I'll monitor what comes out. If I see intolerance, discourtesy, laziness, or selfishness exhibited in their behavior, I'll jump on it like a pack of hounds on a Christmas ham. Doing it that way, my kids will become responsible for what they do with all that information that I can't control.
And just like in the dojo, that seems a lot more efficient.
- Ken