Between Blinking
So this is the story I am planning on handing in for my Narrative subject this semester. I just typed it up and have only done one proof-read so its probably still plagued with spelling mistakes and whatnot but I'll worry about that later. It's about 3100 words so don't feel like you have to read it but I would love as many nit-picking opinions on
( Read more... )
Comments 4
will nit-pick for you at home.
work is poo
luffs
Reply
as i am one to proof read, here are a couple things i picked up on. most of them aren't even criticisms as much as "huh, why did you do it like that"
"Coming back down, Toby caught the final SUV sneaking out of the car park"
- change "caught" - confusing. makes you think he's getting in. i'd use another term
"Not five metre away, a girl was sitting"
- should be "metres"
"It was these eyes that made it impossible for Toby to restrain from yelping, “Jesus Christ!”"
- wasn't he singing? not criticizing just made me think that and wonder why his voice would be scratchy if he'd been singing
- intrigued by constant uses of SUV - isn't that an american term? that might be deliberate, or maybe it's just in common use nowadays and i didn't even know >_>
Reply
2. grammar nazi :p
3. Well i actually meant it as he was just playing music without singing but i knew that was unclear.... i was only going to change that if any one pcked up on it and if anyone was going to pick up on it...it was you :)
4. everyone knows SUV these days... and it just sounds more city-taking-over-ish than 'car', methinks.
thanks for reading it :) glad you liked it :)
Reply
my favourite line was:
Like a golden star in a distant sky it glittered for a few seconds before burning itself out.
really nice...
im not going to try and mark it lol because your grammar and spelling are way above my levels!!!
love you long time
Emma
Reply
Leave a comment