(no subject)
I actually got a few good forewards today.
Warning Labels: On a Sears hairdryer --Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos --You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On bar of Dial soap --"Directions: Use like regular soap."
On some Swanson frozen dinners --"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --"Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding --"Product will be hot after heating."
On packaging for a Rowenta iron --"Do not iron clothes on body."
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid --"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(I'm taking this because...?)
On most brands of Christmas lights --"For indoor or outdoor use only."
On a Japanese food processor --"Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts --"Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of nuts --"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's Superman costume --"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw --"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
Famous Quotes on Relationships and Sex:
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
”Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just greatful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex; I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
And Innovative Advertising:
Warning Labels: On a Sears hairdryer --Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos --You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On bar of Dial soap --"Directions: Use like regular soap."
On some Swanson frozen dinners --"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --"Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding --"Product will be hot after heating."
On packaging for a Rowenta iron --"Do not iron clothes on body."
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid --"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(I'm taking this because...?)
On most brands of Christmas lights --"For indoor or outdoor use only."
On a Japanese food processor --"Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts --"Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of nuts --"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's Superman costume --"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw --"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
Famous Quotes on Relationships and Sex:
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
”Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just greatful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex; I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
And Innovative Advertising: