Riza's Heart
Summary: Set an unspoken amount of time after FMAB. Riza's always had a love, but that love isn't Roy. It's another woman. When Mustang releases her from the military, giving her a fond farewell, she's forced to embark on her own journey to find herself. Maria Ross awaits on the other end, and it's up to Riza to decide what she wants most.
Chapter 1:
Riza let out a curse as the morning light blinded her. In a sleepy haze, she clutched the blinds, dragging them closed before laying in bed. 'What the hell happened last night?' She thought irritably, her head pounding with each breath she took. She couldn't recall, and sleep claimed her again, even if only for a few hours. When she woke up a second time, it was already well into the afternoon. Thankfully, she had the day off, but that didn't solve any of her problems. The floor was littered with beer cans, a drink she wasn't exactly fond of. On her desk, one that was normally neat and orderly, a slew of papers had been strewn around the floor, reckless abandon likely the culprit. None of these signs told her anything.
She'd gotten drunk...
She'd gotten upset...
That's all Riza could tell. She sighed as she went into her small kitchen, finding the bag of kibble. Her dog awaited her, hopeful for his food to be delivered. Today, she forwent her normal routine, simply giving him the food bowl. She sighed as she gave his head a pat, and then stepped foot into her bathroom. “Jesus...” She sighed out loud. She'd felt bad, but she looked even worse. “A killer's eyes.” She told herself in a bear whisper. That's what had happened. She'd had to shoot someone. That much she knew. With her mind blank, and her body like a robot, she showered and dressed in her military issued garb. Her work was not done, and with her eyes pained, her hands steady, she cleaned her gun, as she did every day. Most days, it was out of habit, today though, it was an investigation.
“Two rounds...” Riza was perplexed, but didn't let herself dwell on it. “I normally only need one.” She shrugged. It was lonely with no one to talk with. People called her a workaholic, but the truth was, all of her friends, her only family, all of them were the military. It was all Riza could do in her life, a choice she'd made long ago fueling that decision. A loud knock at the door made her sigh in disgust, and without any haste in her step, greeted a man at her door. “Sir?” It was Roy Mustang, holding a bunch of paperwork. “Come in, come in.” She stepped aside, and with a saddened gaze, he stepped through.
“Thank you.” He told her, as he gave her a hug. “I'm grateful for everything you've ever done for me.” As he released her from his hold, he presented her with the paperwork, his white knuckled grip telling her something was wrong. With worried eyes she gazed at him, and with a shake of his head, he answered the unspoken question. “I'm going to change this place, but we're all going to pay dearly for it.” Roy sighed as he gazed deeply into her eyes. “Now that I've gotten all that I've ever wanted, I feel as if I should do the same for you.”
“I don't understand.” Riza spoke with haste. “We've still got so much left to do.” They were discharge papers, she knew it. “I promised you I'd stay by your side, into the pits of hell, remember?” Frantically, her mind fought for the reasons, they were so lost on her. She couldn't even grasp a single one.
“You already have.” He told her, always the man with fire in his eyes. “Hawkeye...no.” He sighed, shaking his head in anger. “Riza, listen to me. You've always wanted a life, and a family. Once I'm done here, I'll never be able to give you that. Don't you understand?” He was an honorable man, he's always tried to do what was best, and now it wasn't any different. “We humans have to protect the ones we love, and that was something I vowed to do, with all of my heart.” He looked down at her gun, the sins she'd accepted all for him, and deeply seeded anguish made him feel bile rise in his throat. “That means, I've got to protect you too. I've got to do the right thing, and I know that keeping you here isn't good on you.”
“What do you want me to do?” She whispered in anger. “What do you want from me? I've sold my soul to the devil, I've killed so many in your name. I can't ever go back, now that I've become what I am.”
“That isn't true. You know it isn't.” He told her as he held her tightly in his arms. “You love her, don't you.” As much as he'd cared about Riza, he couldn't look at her as a woman. He didn't have the right. She'd followed him into his own personal hell hole, protected him, and they went deeper than any lovers could possibly go. He'd trained under her father, he'd become a strong man, but no matter what he did in his life, he could never see Riza as a woman. “I'm not discharging you because I don't want you here. I'm doing this because you need to live your own life.” She wouldn't ever let him. Roy had tried so many times to treat her as a woman, and not as his subordinate, but Riza, she hated that.
She was so many things, but she was never weak. “We've worked so hard.” She told him. “We've come so far, and look where it's gotten us.”
“Yeah, reflect on that.” He told her with pity in his eyes. “You could have had a family by now.” He loved her, more than life itself, but she didn't love him. She would never become a man's woman. She fought so hard against that, even when her father wanted her to marry Roy, she refused. “Ever since Ross left, you've been in a bad place. I didn't think about the why of it, I had so many things on my mind.” He knew why now, and although it didn't sit well with him, he knew he couldn't keep her in the service any longer. “Ever since that mission, you've been acting strangely. It gets even worse after nights like last night.”
“I don't even remember it.” She sighed, pulling away from him and placing her papers on the table. She slumped down in a chair, and he did the same.
“It was another kill order.” He shrugged. They got them all the time. “You did well, as always.” He told her, the facts more than a common truth. Riza always did her job, and did it well. “Then after your report, we went out for a couple of drinks. I just never thought you'd get totally hammered.” He looked around the room his eyes hardening as his voice grew soft. “I see you had even more when you got back here.”
“I did.” She nodded, her eyes looking at the grains of wood. The table was her best friend when she didn't want to meet anyone's eyes. How often had she simply gazed, getting lost in the pools the rings made? “Am I that obvious?” She asked him. They'd never talked about it, but she knew a few people had suspicions. Riza hadn't wanted to admit it, facing down such a thing would be hard for any person, but to face down sexuality in a place like the military? She knew better than to try. It hadn't stopped things, small tidbits of her world, from crashing down around her. “How did you know I was?” Her voice was in wonder, as if her walls hadn't been made of glass.
“Lets just say, things add up.” He folded his hands, resting his chin on his thumbs. “I'm not going to force you, but I think you need to go, for your own good.” He'd often wondered about her, and now he had an answer,, but it didn't make things any easier. Although he didn't look it, he felt his heart shattering slowly, he couldn't stop it either. “In this world, there are many things a person can't change. No matter how much we fight it, some things won't ever go away. I want to think, that if your feelings for her are anything like the feelings I have for you, that you won't ever let her go.”
She nodded, feeling awkward. With him, she knew she would always be protected. Roy Mustang wasn't ever the type of man to force himself on any woman. He was a failed romantic, surely...but still, he was practical. A logical man, with clearly defined motives in his life. Any woman would want that, at least, if they really knew the type of man he was. “How can you still love a person like me?” Her question made him smirk ruefully. She never understood. After all of the rejections, and denying him, yet, the refusing to let go of him, Riza's heart was constantly in conflict about the matter.
“I can't answer that.” He'd tried to stop, many times. Each time he told himself to move on, to find someone else. For him though, it could only be her. As a man, he had his pride, and yet, still, after so long, he finally understood. “Listen to me, because I'm only going to say this once.” He was a man of iron willpower, and that had been why his wishes could become a reality. He knew Riza had to become the same. “Ross doesn't belong here any more. She's made herself a strong member of the Yao clan. She has a home along side Lan Fan, and that idiot prince.” He knew, the truth. Riza didn't belong here either. “If you want to be with her, you'll have to go there. You can't ask her to come back, not after all she's been through.”
“I know that, damn it.” Riza sighed with a shaky breath. “It was one night Roy. One stupid night.” She knew she shouldn't be feeling this way, but emotions were different than her gun. She could pull that trigger at any time, and her mission would always be complete. “We got out of control.” Her emotions though? Oh no, she hadn't been able to reign them in. She couldn't stop the ache Maria caused her. “Next thing I know, she's on my bed, and I'm going down on her like there was no tomorrow." She blushed, it was hard to say it. she gulped at her words. Her mouth felt dry, and she shuttered in the reality of what she'd done.
It didn't stop her quivering voice. Instead, the realities of what she did poured through, like an ocean. "And in my head, there really wasn't.” She hadn't spoken about that with anyone. “I thought I had become stronger than this...”
“No man can ever become stronger than his own feelings.” Roy sighed, Riza may have been a woman, but even she was stronger than most men he knew. “If we did, if we overcame something like that, we'd be better people by nature.” His hand rested on the thick stack of papers, and he knew the out he'd given her, the reasons, they just weren't enough. “Having you by my side has always been so natural to me, Riza. Everyone expects you to come to my side, defending it with your scope, as if you'd be doing anything else. You've watched my back, and I'm thankful. I honestly, really am. However, promises aside, I know we both protect ourselves from the real pain of reality. You won't ever love me, not the way I need you to.”
She nodded, that was the grim truth of the fact. “I know what I need to do, I'm just afraid to do it.” She looked at her gun, freshly cleaned, and she placed it on the pile of papers, waiting for him to take it.
“Your promise to me still stands, Hawkeye. You aren't off duty yet.” He told her, pushing the gun back for her. “If I ever lose my way, you're the only one who'd be able to stop me.” As he stood he fixed his jacket, and forced a soft smile. “I expect you to come back for visits, and, that you'll always keep in touch. Keep the gun, and the promise, that's all I ask.” He, being the type of man he was, gave her the eyes of a strong man, with an even stronger soul. Still, his careful steps out the door left behind traces. Teardrops on her floor, glistening in the afternoon's light.
She was free now, to do what she wanted in her life. The only question was, could she be strong enough, like Roy, to do it?
More later.
Let me know what you think of the first chapter...