Just Tell Me Why Chapter 5
I watched him sleeping. His long body curled up, his mussed up blond hair bright against the dark fabric of the cushions. It was a common sight in my place. Hutch on my couch.
Just not one I had seen in weeks.
It was so uncommon of late that I found myself just sitting there for over half an hour or more, watching him and thinking.
He was still well and truly asleep when I had awoken over an hour ago. It was unusual for Hutch to out sleep me. He was normally the early riser; up to greet the day and all that shit. Probably started the habit when he used to run in the mornings - though I can't remember him having run in the mornings for a while now.
Lots of things about Hutch had been different lately.
It was early afternoon after one hell of a night. As is normally the case with alcohol overload, I woke earlier than I normally would after having crashed so late. Alcohol is one bitchy bed mate. Go to bed clutching her in your system and she kicks your ass out of that bed well and truly before your head is ready to join its lower half.
I should have felt a whole lot worse given my recollection of how much of the contents of the tequila bottle went down between just me and myself last night. It was probably a good thing , though it didn't seem so at the time - that most of the contents of that bottle came back up. I stared down now at the tequila's last stand…. the living room floor and the couch. Despite the fact that I know that Hutch did his best job in cleaning it all up as best he could, it still stank. The rancid smell of my own stale vomit assailed my nostrils - it would take days to get the smell out of the place.
Christ how the hell did you sleep with that Hutch?
I bet your back is killing you by now too.
I had made us both coffees and was steadily sipping mine while I sat deep in thought.
It's been a while pal since you've been here. Been on that lousy couch that you hate so much.
I fingered my brow where the cut was still dressed and felt the slightly sticky residue of the salve on my grazed cheek.
I smiled to myself. Mother hen had not been around for a while either and although I never stopped whining about Hutch's over attentive smothering of me whenever I was hurt, I must admit that I was pleased that he had stopped the cut from bleeding and likely had saved me from yet a nasty scar.
Had enough of them already that was for sure. My life was all about collecting scars. So was Hutch's.
I remembered (as best I could) him sitting in my puke along with me, holding me up and wiping my face. With his hands for God's sake.
I rubbed my aching brow where the cut was really starting to throb now. It was actually taking precedent over my dull hangover. Hutch was right of course. Should have let the damn medics take a look last night.
As I touched it now I remembered the feel of Hutch's hand on my face as he cleaned and dressed my wound. The sensation and memory were made more real when I looked down at that same big hand caught tucked under a head of tousled blond hair.
There was a vague memory of us talking a little in the bedroom after he had helped me shower. I could not put it all together as bits of it were disjointed but I know that I had kept insisting that he tell me why he had come here ….now….after all this time…and after what had happened with Kira - and with us.
But he wouldn't tell me. I was not so drunk that I cannot remember that point.
But I think I know why he came here anyway.
I probably tried to tell him that too.
Freaking pity that is why.
In the end even Hutch in his bastard guise could not resist the need to act like the White Knight yet again with me.
He and Kira probably had it all shorn up. Hutch would have said that he needed to check on me now that the case was finally closed and the three of us were no longer working together.
Guilt, pity.
Maybe he wanted to put me in the picture about the shape of his and Kira's ongoing relationship now the awkwardness of us all being pushed together every night was over.
But even as I tested out the likelihood of this last theory about he and Kira, I knew that deep down I did not believe it. I knew that it was not true.
It was not hard to see that not only were Kira and I finished, but that Hutch too had distanced himself from her after the day I found the two of them together.
No I think that Kira was not part of the picture with either of us anymore.
The question is what is the picture with the two of us now she has gone?
My eye caught the empty tequila bottle still on the coffee table from last night.
The true villain of the piece.
God help me but I will never touch that shit again.
It had distorted a lot of what I could recall about last night.
But there was also a lot I did recall.
He had come in through the door, just walked in, appearing from nowhere. When I had heard his knock I admit to being shocked and confused. My brain was already so befuddled with the tequila I could not formulate an action in response.
Did I want to see him? Now like this?
I half thought that he might just give up and go away. He had his own key of course but I did not think he would use it given what had gone down between us recently.
I just sat there semi incoherent and surmised that he was here to extend a half-hearted peace-offering.
Why else?
Matter of fact and clean-cut.
We had wrapped the case up now so we really had to move on from all of its fallout. Hutch and I were part of its fallout. So perhaps he was here to tidy us the mess with us a bit so that we could close the "case" in more ways than just solving the crime.
Knowing the way Hutch had been acting and behaving in recent weeks, longer perhaps, I did not imagine his attitude would be much different.
He was probably here to "check on his friend" so that he could move on with his life.
Free up some of that Hutchinson guilt that he was so very good at carrying around.
I didn't answer the door because I just could not face anymore of this Hutch. I was finished with his cold indifference and disregard for our friendship.
Best friends for years and he was prepared to just piss it all away.
Best friend I would ever have, just gone. I was done in by it all.
I was done with feeling like shit because I was missing the old Hutch.
But then I had heard the key in the lock and I realized that he was not going to walk away this time…like he had so many times in the squad room, in the dance hall, in Dobey's office…walked away and turned his back on me like we were over, finished as friends.
So I just sat. I had nowhere to go. Well lets face it, I would have found it a challenge to get up but…
This was after all my place. I would just sit there, being quietly drunk thank you. I would let him do his little patronizing act, paying lip service to the old Hutch and our friendship.
I was ready for a fight. The alcohol had fuelled me up enough and I was still just sober enough to pull it all together. I may not have been able to throw a punch but by God I had a mouth that still worked. Well I could not be sure of that as I did feel pretty numb everywhere….but….
Even my first blurry glance at him and the vibe of his mood as he walked in, surprised me. His presence spoke of something different, different in him, different in how he had been for months now.
The face, the expression, the stance of the man standing almost anxiously at the doorway, reminded me so much of the old Hutch. Only this Hutch seemed awkward and hesitant. He had never been like that. Not with me.
But I stayed on guard with him. It was damn hard because he was acting the part well. I was getting lulled into false hope here. Bloody tequila did not help either.
But I was not stupid, even when I was three-quarters drunk. No false hope for Starsky I had proudly thought.
But then….
When he nagged at me about the cut and the medics,
I really started to wonder.
When he cleaned my cut up and laid those gentle big hands on my banged up face, as only he seems able to do,
I wondered more.
When he held me up while I vomited and stayed with me, getting covered in more of it than I did,
I started to know.
When he showered and dressed me like we each have done for each other over the years,
I knew.
And when he thought that I was asleep and he stayed with me and reached out for me for a touch we have not shared in so very long…
I had no doubt.
No doubt at all now.
The old Hutch was back.
But this was only half of the story. The realization that Hutch had begun to free himself of the inner demons that had dominated him was not enough for me.
Don't get me wrong. I was more than happy that he had found himself again, for whatever reason, and in whatever way. No one would be happier than me at that change in him.
No one.
But I know I asked him last night, several times. He would not answer me.
I didn't want Hutch back here, making amends and putting pieces back in place just because he thinks that it is something he needs to do in order to move on.
I am not his responsibility. I am not his duty.
I will not have him feeling sorry for me!
Maybe some of the old partner telepathy was firing up again. I don't know... but as I could feel myself getting more and more agitated, Hutch started to wake.
As I watched he started pushing his hands through his mussed white blond hair and began stretching out his long body. It was a familiar habit of his that I knew well. He would always push and rub at his hair when he was in the throes of trying to wake up. I also knew that the next stage of awakening would be the look of pain on his face as his brain registered the stiffness in his back. For years that back had given him grief and I knew it was getting worse.
Soon the couch would no longer be a practical place for him to crash for the night…but hey we had to put up with so much worse in stakeouts in our cars. Our lives as cops.
I should have walked away then. Not been there when he awoke fully. I really had not meant to stay watching him sleeping for so long. In fact I had really just intended to put his coffee down and go back to bed…
But…
I seemed frozen, caught. It had been so long since we had shared a time like this where the two of us were in the same room with no crackling hostility filling the void between us.
Such a long time.
For the first time since the terrible day when I saw Hutch walk out of Kira's bedroom, I felt some peace and some of the burning pain was receding. For the first time since that day I was able to look at the man in front of me now and see what I had always seen….Hutch. Not some fuelled up smartass with a "who gives a shit about you" persona.
The Hutch from last night and the Hutch now slowing coming awake in front of me seemed a far closer representation to my old friend than the cold-hearted bastard he had become of late.
I felt compelled to stay, just waiting. Waiting for him, like I did last night.
At the same time I did not know how this was going to go down between us.
How will I deal with this now that I am no longer drunk?
How will he deal with me now that I don't need him to look after me like last night?
As if on cue, he began to grimace and move his back gingerly about on the couch. I was expecting the groan when it came and also the usual expletive that always accompanied it.
"Oh …..Shit….fucking back"
I watched him struggle into awareness, looking at the ceiling, trying to assimilate the surroundings.
I knew the second he figured it out.
Figured out that he was here in my place, on my couch. He was remembering last night. I could tell. Remembering everything …not just last night, but everything else too.
I knew because it was how it had been for me every time I woke up these past weeks. I would open my eyes and remember. The same shit reality would hit me and the same shit memories flooded in.
Nothing was the same anymore. Hutch and I weren't the same anymore.
God I hated mornings since two weeks and two days ago. Every new day bringing more pain.
He sensed me then, as I knew he would. He turned his blond head slowly and caught me in his gaze. Light blue eyes looking right at me.
Here we were.
Here we are Hutch. Now what?
What to do with each other?
It seemed that Hutch was to be the icebreaker last night and now.
"Starsky… ah, how are you feeling? How is your cut? Your head? Not sick ?"
Of course. First question to me just had to be one straight out of Hutch's Mother Hen repertoire.
I wasn't going to let him do to this to me. He was not going to make this all about " How is Starsky coping?"
Point one to me…I will not answer that question.
"Coffee will be cold by now, sorry, made it ages ago. There's some fresh still in the pot."
He was sitting up now, pushing through the stiffness in his back, pushing down the pain. It was just something he had learned to live with but I always felt bad when I saw him like this. Nothing much I could do to help.
We were so used to helping each other, trying to make it all better, that was our problem.
That is why he was here now.
"Nah…I don't care if it's cold. Hey, its coffee ." he smiled a little half-smile, like he was uncomfortable with me. "I'll get another later. Thanks" he took the mug from me and sipped at it almost self-consciously.
I couldn't help think that he was looking a little lost.
Not sure how to deal with my evasiveness.
Not sure where he stands with me.
Not sure what to say to me when he can't say the things he wants to say like "how are you Starsky."
I could not take the lost light blue eyes any longer.
"Ah… thanks for being here for me last night Hutch. Sorry you had to deal with all of my shit and errr….." I cast a look at the floor and couch. " and…well…you know when I was sick and all."
He seemed almost ridiculously relieved that I had strung a couple of sentences together for him.
"Hey Starsk….you know …its what fr ….frie…..its just what we do. You know help each other out, when….."
He was really struggling now and I could hear the beginnings of the stutter that he so despised in himself whenever he was under pressure. But something just snapped in me then and I had to say it, had to lash out and hurt him.
Just a little of what I had endured the past long weeks.
"What, can't ya' say it Hutch? Can't bring yourself to say the word "Friends". Is that your stutter getting in the way or your attitude to me?"
I knew at once that was a low hit and totally uncalled for in the context of the moment. Hutch's face blanched and I heard him draw in a quick breath. What was worse, he didn't even make a comeback.
Just looked at me sadly with those bloody blue eyes of his.
He tried but again he stuttered…"Star…Starsk"
He just gave up and looked down at his cold coffee.
This was getting us nowhere except making me feel like a prize heel.
I stood up and his eyes followed me as I paced across the room and turned back to throw at him.
"I asked you last night Hutch. I asked you and you didn't tell me. "
"Tell you what Starsky?"
"Just tell me why."
I pinned him with my eyes not allowing his gaze to waver from mine and repeated it.
"Just….tell me why for God's Sake."
I heard his deep jagged sigh. He shook his head and looked even more defeated.
"Don't you think …..if I understood it all myself I would? Starsk, I have no real idea of why I did any of those things to you or acted the way I did with Kira, myself yet. I have been trying and trying to work it all out. My head is just a mess, I have been a mess…I have caused so much…"
He was shaking now and pushing his head into his hands, ripping at his fine blond hair, pleading with his eyes for me to understand something he couldn't himself.
Totally tormented.
I could see now why we were not getting anywhere with this. We were coming at this whole thing from different directions.
I returned to my seat opposite him but leaned in closer and grabbed his forearm.
"Hey wait. Wait Hutch. Just stop."
He was looking bewildered now.
"I didn't ask you why you did what you did. Only you will know that and its up to you to work it all out with yourself. You're ya own boss with that stuff Hutch. Only you can sort it for ya' self and that will take time I know. Ya' haven't been ya' self now for a long time Hutch and now I think ya' want some answers for that."
I squeezed his forearm to emphasise the next point.
"If ya' ever do find it out…well then its up to ya' to let me in on it if ya' want."
His face was at once more relaxed but still confused.
"But Starsk…"
'No, listen will ya' Hutch. So ya' see when I asked ya why you came here last night it wasn't coz I want ya to tell me all that personal stuff inside ya'. Ya must had a reason for doin' what ya' did and actin' like ya' did, just like ya got a reason for stoppin' it which I guess ya' have decided to do now."
I took a deep breath.
"I asked ya' why ya came here. To my place? I want ya' to tell me why, ya' came to see me…. …like old times I guess? I think that is important."
Ok this is getting hard now….get it out Starsky, put it on the line.
"Coz Hutch if you're here coz ya feeling sorry for me or think that I need ya….
Well then that's no good for me Hutch. I don't want you back in my life coz you think I need ya'."
I fell silent now. I had disclosed my fear that I was merely an unfinished box that needed to be ticked for Hutch. That he was making sure I was ok because he really did bum up my life and he was feeling sorry about what he had done to me.
Is it just that he wanted to move on with his life and he needed to feel that he had cleared some of that guilt by picking me back up off the ground?
He had stood up now and was taking the few steps over to the coffee table where I was sitting.
When he crouched beside me and spoke I saw the tears in his eyes.
"I have two things to say to you Starsky. Two things, and I want you to believe them both. They are the truth and I have realized now that truth between friends is the most important part of friendship."
He sought my eyes and I did not look away.
"I have wronged you Starsky. I have betrayed your trust and taken the truth away from our relationship. I am only half way to understanding why I did that. I am going to understand it all and when I do I will share all of that with you. Total truth between us from now on.
The second thing you must hear is an answer to your question, well only part of it really…but when you ask me to tell you why I am here, came back here last night… I came back, not because you need me Starsk, but because I need you. "
His blue eyes were awash with tears now, but I remained still listening to him, as he seemed so determined to get this all out.
"So no I am not here because I feel sorry for you or that I have a misguided idea that you need me… My life is about you and me, our partnership and our friendship. In the past weeks I have not been living in my life Starsk…. You have not been there and so it has not been my life."
A sad smile crossed his face.
"One thing I can tell you buddy, is that - that life is pretty fucking empty.
I need you yeah, and you need me too….that is the….. whole point Starsky. That's not a bad thing to admit to needing someone. My life without you in it has worn thin real quick and….I am so bloody scared that you will not let me back in….I came here last night because I can't stand being outside anymore Starsky. I know I don't deserve it, but I want my life back."
Had I ever seen him so anguished and frightened looking at the same time?
He looked exhausted from his speech to me and was struggling to stop more tears filling his eyes.
In contrast I am sure my face showed relief and lightness. I know I could feel it creeping in and pushing out the dark.
"Enough with the words ok? I'm gettin' a headache here Hutch".
I opened my arms to him then. He hesitated and looked almost unsure, uncertain.
I moved across and pulled him into an embrace that spoke more than any response I could give with words. Hutch after all was always the wordsmith. I liked to think I talked with my body and I was determined to not let him one-up me here.
We stayed holding one another for a long while, my own tears flowing freely now and we laughed and choked softly on the weeks of our pent up emotions.
Hutch eventually pulled back, looked closely at me and then gently grabbed my face, twisting it to the side in the afternoon light.
"Don't think you are going to get away with getting this looked at either. It still needs suturing."
Oh Christ! He's back, Mother Hen to the fore.
I cuffed him lightly on the side of his tousled blond head.
"Welcome back Hutch. I sure have missed ya'"
The End
Just not one I had seen in weeks.
It was so uncommon of late that I found myself just sitting there for over half an hour or more, watching him and thinking.
He was still well and truly asleep when I had awoken over an hour ago. It was unusual for Hutch to out sleep me. He was normally the early riser; up to greet the day and all that shit. Probably started the habit when he used to run in the mornings - though I can't remember him having run in the mornings for a while now.
Lots of things about Hutch had been different lately.
It was early afternoon after one hell of a night. As is normally the case with alcohol overload, I woke earlier than I normally would after having crashed so late. Alcohol is one bitchy bed mate. Go to bed clutching her in your system and she kicks your ass out of that bed well and truly before your head is ready to join its lower half.
I should have felt a whole lot worse given my recollection of how much of the contents of the tequila bottle went down between just me and myself last night. It was probably a good thing , though it didn't seem so at the time - that most of the contents of that bottle came back up. I stared down now at the tequila's last stand…. the living room floor and the couch. Despite the fact that I know that Hutch did his best job in cleaning it all up as best he could, it still stank. The rancid smell of my own stale vomit assailed my nostrils - it would take days to get the smell out of the place.
Christ how the hell did you sleep with that Hutch?
I bet your back is killing you by now too.
I had made us both coffees and was steadily sipping mine while I sat deep in thought.
It's been a while pal since you've been here. Been on that lousy couch that you hate so much.
I fingered my brow where the cut was still dressed and felt the slightly sticky residue of the salve on my grazed cheek.
I smiled to myself. Mother hen had not been around for a while either and although I never stopped whining about Hutch's over attentive smothering of me whenever I was hurt, I must admit that I was pleased that he had stopped the cut from bleeding and likely had saved me from yet a nasty scar.
Had enough of them already that was for sure. My life was all about collecting scars. So was Hutch's.
I remembered (as best I could) him sitting in my puke along with me, holding me up and wiping my face. With his hands for God's sake.
I rubbed my aching brow where the cut was really starting to throb now. It was actually taking precedent over my dull hangover. Hutch was right of course. Should have let the damn medics take a look last night.
As I touched it now I remembered the feel of Hutch's hand on my face as he cleaned and dressed my wound. The sensation and memory were made more real when I looked down at that same big hand caught tucked under a head of tousled blond hair.
There was a vague memory of us talking a little in the bedroom after he had helped me shower. I could not put it all together as bits of it were disjointed but I know that I had kept insisting that he tell me why he had come here ….now….after all this time…and after what had happened with Kira - and with us.
But he wouldn't tell me. I was not so drunk that I cannot remember that point.
But I think I know why he came here anyway.
I probably tried to tell him that too.
Freaking pity that is why.
In the end even Hutch in his bastard guise could not resist the need to act like the White Knight yet again with me.
He and Kira probably had it all shorn up. Hutch would have said that he needed to check on me now that the case was finally closed and the three of us were no longer working together.
Guilt, pity.
Maybe he wanted to put me in the picture about the shape of his and Kira's ongoing relationship now the awkwardness of us all being pushed together every night was over.
But even as I tested out the likelihood of this last theory about he and Kira, I knew that deep down I did not believe it. I knew that it was not true.
It was not hard to see that not only were Kira and I finished, but that Hutch too had distanced himself from her after the day I found the two of them together.
No I think that Kira was not part of the picture with either of us anymore.
The question is what is the picture with the two of us now she has gone?
My eye caught the empty tequila bottle still on the coffee table from last night.
The true villain of the piece.
God help me but I will never touch that shit again.
It had distorted a lot of what I could recall about last night.
But there was also a lot I did recall.
He had come in through the door, just walked in, appearing from nowhere. When I had heard his knock I admit to being shocked and confused. My brain was already so befuddled with the tequila I could not formulate an action in response.
Did I want to see him? Now like this?
I half thought that he might just give up and go away. He had his own key of course but I did not think he would use it given what had gone down between us recently.
I just sat there semi incoherent and surmised that he was here to extend a half-hearted peace-offering.
Why else?
Matter of fact and clean-cut.
We had wrapped the case up now so we really had to move on from all of its fallout. Hutch and I were part of its fallout. So perhaps he was here to tidy us the mess with us a bit so that we could close the "case" in more ways than just solving the crime.
Knowing the way Hutch had been acting and behaving in recent weeks, longer perhaps, I did not imagine his attitude would be much different.
He was probably here to "check on his friend" so that he could move on with his life.
Free up some of that Hutchinson guilt that he was so very good at carrying around.
I didn't answer the door because I just could not face anymore of this Hutch. I was finished with his cold indifference and disregard for our friendship.
Best friends for years and he was prepared to just piss it all away.
Best friend I would ever have, just gone. I was done in by it all.
I was done with feeling like shit because I was missing the old Hutch.
But then I had heard the key in the lock and I realized that he was not going to walk away this time…like he had so many times in the squad room, in the dance hall, in Dobey's office…walked away and turned his back on me like we were over, finished as friends.
So I just sat. I had nowhere to go. Well lets face it, I would have found it a challenge to get up but…
This was after all my place. I would just sit there, being quietly drunk thank you. I would let him do his little patronizing act, paying lip service to the old Hutch and our friendship.
I was ready for a fight. The alcohol had fuelled me up enough and I was still just sober enough to pull it all together. I may not have been able to throw a punch but by God I had a mouth that still worked. Well I could not be sure of that as I did feel pretty numb everywhere….but….
Even my first blurry glance at him and the vibe of his mood as he walked in, surprised me. His presence spoke of something different, different in him, different in how he had been for months now.
The face, the expression, the stance of the man standing almost anxiously at the doorway, reminded me so much of the old Hutch. Only this Hutch seemed awkward and hesitant. He had never been like that. Not with me.
But I stayed on guard with him. It was damn hard because he was acting the part well. I was getting lulled into false hope here. Bloody tequila did not help either.
But I was not stupid, even when I was three-quarters drunk. No false hope for Starsky I had proudly thought.
But then….
When he nagged at me about the cut and the medics,
I really started to wonder.
When he cleaned my cut up and laid those gentle big hands on my banged up face, as only he seems able to do,
I wondered more.
When he held me up while I vomited and stayed with me, getting covered in more of it than I did,
I started to know.
When he showered and dressed me like we each have done for each other over the years,
I knew.
And when he thought that I was asleep and he stayed with me and reached out for me for a touch we have not shared in so very long…
I had no doubt.
No doubt at all now.
The old Hutch was back.
But this was only half of the story. The realization that Hutch had begun to free himself of the inner demons that had dominated him was not enough for me.
Don't get me wrong. I was more than happy that he had found himself again, for whatever reason, and in whatever way. No one would be happier than me at that change in him.
No one.
But I know I asked him last night, several times. He would not answer me.
I didn't want Hutch back here, making amends and putting pieces back in place just because he thinks that it is something he needs to do in order to move on.
I am not his responsibility. I am not his duty.
I will not have him feeling sorry for me!
Maybe some of the old partner telepathy was firing up again. I don't know... but as I could feel myself getting more and more agitated, Hutch started to wake.
As I watched he started pushing his hands through his mussed white blond hair and began stretching out his long body. It was a familiar habit of his that I knew well. He would always push and rub at his hair when he was in the throes of trying to wake up. I also knew that the next stage of awakening would be the look of pain on his face as his brain registered the stiffness in his back. For years that back had given him grief and I knew it was getting worse.
Soon the couch would no longer be a practical place for him to crash for the night…but hey we had to put up with so much worse in stakeouts in our cars. Our lives as cops.
I should have walked away then. Not been there when he awoke fully. I really had not meant to stay watching him sleeping for so long. In fact I had really just intended to put his coffee down and go back to bed…
But…
I seemed frozen, caught. It had been so long since we had shared a time like this where the two of us were in the same room with no crackling hostility filling the void between us.
Such a long time.
For the first time since the terrible day when I saw Hutch walk out of Kira's bedroom, I felt some peace and some of the burning pain was receding. For the first time since that day I was able to look at the man in front of me now and see what I had always seen….Hutch. Not some fuelled up smartass with a "who gives a shit about you" persona.
The Hutch from last night and the Hutch now slowing coming awake in front of me seemed a far closer representation to my old friend than the cold-hearted bastard he had become of late.
I felt compelled to stay, just waiting. Waiting for him, like I did last night.
At the same time I did not know how this was going to go down between us.
How will I deal with this now that I am no longer drunk?
How will he deal with me now that I don't need him to look after me like last night?
As if on cue, he began to grimace and move his back gingerly about on the couch. I was expecting the groan when it came and also the usual expletive that always accompanied it.
"Oh …..Shit….fucking back"
I watched him struggle into awareness, looking at the ceiling, trying to assimilate the surroundings.
I knew the second he figured it out.
Figured out that he was here in my place, on my couch. He was remembering last night. I could tell. Remembering everything …not just last night, but everything else too.
I knew because it was how it had been for me every time I woke up these past weeks. I would open my eyes and remember. The same shit reality would hit me and the same shit memories flooded in.
Nothing was the same anymore. Hutch and I weren't the same anymore.
God I hated mornings since two weeks and two days ago. Every new day bringing more pain.
He sensed me then, as I knew he would. He turned his blond head slowly and caught me in his gaze. Light blue eyes looking right at me.
Here we were.
Here we are Hutch. Now what?
What to do with each other?
It seemed that Hutch was to be the icebreaker last night and now.
"Starsky… ah, how are you feeling? How is your cut? Your head? Not sick ?"
Of course. First question to me just had to be one straight out of Hutch's Mother Hen repertoire.
I wasn't going to let him do to this to me. He was not going to make this all about " How is Starsky coping?"
Point one to me…I will not answer that question.
"Coffee will be cold by now, sorry, made it ages ago. There's some fresh still in the pot."
He was sitting up now, pushing through the stiffness in his back, pushing down the pain. It was just something he had learned to live with but I always felt bad when I saw him like this. Nothing much I could do to help.
We were so used to helping each other, trying to make it all better, that was our problem.
That is why he was here now.
"Nah…I don't care if it's cold. Hey, its coffee ." he smiled a little half-smile, like he was uncomfortable with me. "I'll get another later. Thanks" he took the mug from me and sipped at it almost self-consciously.
I couldn't help think that he was looking a little lost.
Not sure how to deal with my evasiveness.
Not sure where he stands with me.
Not sure what to say to me when he can't say the things he wants to say like "how are you Starsky."
I could not take the lost light blue eyes any longer.
"Ah… thanks for being here for me last night Hutch. Sorry you had to deal with all of my shit and errr….." I cast a look at the floor and couch. " and…well…you know when I was sick and all."
He seemed almost ridiculously relieved that I had strung a couple of sentences together for him.
"Hey Starsk….you know …its what fr ….frie…..its just what we do. You know help each other out, when….."
He was really struggling now and I could hear the beginnings of the stutter that he so despised in himself whenever he was under pressure. But something just snapped in me then and I had to say it, had to lash out and hurt him.
Just a little of what I had endured the past long weeks.
"What, can't ya' say it Hutch? Can't bring yourself to say the word "Friends". Is that your stutter getting in the way or your attitude to me?"
I knew at once that was a low hit and totally uncalled for in the context of the moment. Hutch's face blanched and I heard him draw in a quick breath. What was worse, he didn't even make a comeback.
Just looked at me sadly with those bloody blue eyes of his.
He tried but again he stuttered…"Star…Starsk"
He just gave up and looked down at his cold coffee.
This was getting us nowhere except making me feel like a prize heel.
I stood up and his eyes followed me as I paced across the room and turned back to throw at him.
"I asked you last night Hutch. I asked you and you didn't tell me. "
"Tell you what Starsky?"
"Just tell me why."
I pinned him with my eyes not allowing his gaze to waver from mine and repeated it.
"Just….tell me why for God's Sake."
I heard his deep jagged sigh. He shook his head and looked even more defeated.
"Don't you think …..if I understood it all myself I would? Starsk, I have no real idea of why I did any of those things to you or acted the way I did with Kira, myself yet. I have been trying and trying to work it all out. My head is just a mess, I have been a mess…I have caused so much…"
He was shaking now and pushing his head into his hands, ripping at his fine blond hair, pleading with his eyes for me to understand something he couldn't himself.
Totally tormented.
I could see now why we were not getting anywhere with this. We were coming at this whole thing from different directions.
I returned to my seat opposite him but leaned in closer and grabbed his forearm.
"Hey wait. Wait Hutch. Just stop."
He was looking bewildered now.
"I didn't ask you why you did what you did. Only you will know that and its up to you to work it all out with yourself. You're ya own boss with that stuff Hutch. Only you can sort it for ya' self and that will take time I know. Ya' haven't been ya' self now for a long time Hutch and now I think ya' want some answers for that."
I squeezed his forearm to emphasise the next point.
"If ya' ever do find it out…well then its up to ya' to let me in on it if ya' want."
His face was at once more relaxed but still confused.
"But Starsk…"
'No, listen will ya' Hutch. So ya' see when I asked ya why you came here last night it wasn't coz I want ya to tell me all that personal stuff inside ya'. Ya must had a reason for doin' what ya' did and actin' like ya' did, just like ya got a reason for stoppin' it which I guess ya' have decided to do now."
I took a deep breath.
"I asked ya' why ya came here. To my place? I want ya' to tell me why, ya' came to see me…. …like old times I guess? I think that is important."
Ok this is getting hard now….get it out Starsky, put it on the line.
"Coz Hutch if you're here coz ya feeling sorry for me or think that I need ya….
Well then that's no good for me Hutch. I don't want you back in my life coz you think I need ya'."
I fell silent now. I had disclosed my fear that I was merely an unfinished box that needed to be ticked for Hutch. That he was making sure I was ok because he really did bum up my life and he was feeling sorry about what he had done to me.
Is it just that he wanted to move on with his life and he needed to feel that he had cleared some of that guilt by picking me back up off the ground?
He had stood up now and was taking the few steps over to the coffee table where I was sitting.
When he crouched beside me and spoke I saw the tears in his eyes.
"I have two things to say to you Starsky. Two things, and I want you to believe them both. They are the truth and I have realized now that truth between friends is the most important part of friendship."
He sought my eyes and I did not look away.
"I have wronged you Starsky. I have betrayed your trust and taken the truth away from our relationship. I am only half way to understanding why I did that. I am going to understand it all and when I do I will share all of that with you. Total truth between us from now on.
The second thing you must hear is an answer to your question, well only part of it really…but when you ask me to tell you why I am here, came back here last night… I came back, not because you need me Starsk, but because I need you. "
His blue eyes were awash with tears now, but I remained still listening to him, as he seemed so determined to get this all out.
"So no I am not here because I feel sorry for you or that I have a misguided idea that you need me… My life is about you and me, our partnership and our friendship. In the past weeks I have not been living in my life Starsk…. You have not been there and so it has not been my life."
A sad smile crossed his face.
"One thing I can tell you buddy, is that - that life is pretty fucking empty.
I need you yeah, and you need me too….that is the….. whole point Starsky. That's not a bad thing to admit to needing someone. My life without you in it has worn thin real quick and….I am so bloody scared that you will not let me back in….I came here last night because I can't stand being outside anymore Starsky. I know I don't deserve it, but I want my life back."
Had I ever seen him so anguished and frightened looking at the same time?
He looked exhausted from his speech to me and was struggling to stop more tears filling his eyes.
In contrast I am sure my face showed relief and lightness. I know I could feel it creeping in and pushing out the dark.
"Enough with the words ok? I'm gettin' a headache here Hutch".
I opened my arms to him then. He hesitated and looked almost unsure, uncertain.
I moved across and pulled him into an embrace that spoke more than any response I could give with words. Hutch after all was always the wordsmith. I liked to think I talked with my body and I was determined to not let him one-up me here.
We stayed holding one another for a long while, my own tears flowing freely now and we laughed and choked softly on the weeks of our pent up emotions.
Hutch eventually pulled back, looked closely at me and then gently grabbed my face, twisting it to the side in the afternoon light.
"Don't think you are going to get away with getting this looked at either. It still needs suturing."
Oh Christ! He's back, Mother Hen to the fore.
I cuffed him lightly on the side of his tousled blond head.
"Welcome back Hutch. I sure have missed ya'"
The End