I hate myself
"And the darkness embraced me, as some lost love.
Alone, cold and fearful.
What of?
The mirror."
Tonight I got unusually upset with my nephew, as he did three things that piss me off faster then anything. First he lied to me, then he ignored me, then he ran off as I was talking to him. All three things are highly disrespectful. Oh and what caused it all? He ate some of my treats. Now for some, you can get what ever you want, but for me yogurt is abit of a treat. Something I wanted, that is healthy. He lied about how many he ate, cause we're the only two who eats it here. So either a ghost ate 2 of mine, or well you get the idea. A treat for me is rare, I hardly got them growing up and I still have this "Something special for me, is for me. Hands off", it means something to me. Well Well he ran off as I was asking him a question, so I caught him and started bringing him back out to the living room since he was trying to run to the kids room to bawl. Well he ended up pushing against me, so I pushed back. He ended up either falling on purpose or something as he curled up on the ground sobbing. Mom got highly upset with me, saying stuff like "I'd expect that from his mother, but not you. I raised you better!", and I told her I've never done anything like that before and really it's not like I hit him, it still scared me though that I had the instinct of pushing back. In any case he shouldn't have started the whole thing, or pushed me. Now I have a temper, I admit this, but I hold it in good check, as any who truly know me can tell you. Chris just laid on the ground as if he was some whipped dog, and I told him to get up. It's not like I hit him. You push, expect to get pushed back. Wasn't like i used all I had either, I suspect he went limp either cause he was surprised or trying to ham it up like he did when he was still in diapers. He was one of those kids that heard something that sounded like a spanking, like say you swatted a fly on your leg, he started crying.
He runs off again, mom and me ended up exchanging words. Some of those being "He's spoiled, and so are you" which I had to correct her on and remind her that I rarely got my way or what I wanted, instead I took care of her. Then she tried telling me how I had it easy growing up, after I pointed out how easy chris had it from how I was raised, I reminded her of the spanking with the toochy switch she had, the back handing, the ripping of my ear, the shoe she used and other things. Which went to her saying "Well I didn't want to spoil you, i wanted you to be better." Told her it had the opposite effects, it made me bitter, it made me envious. Which turned into mom crying and saying she wished she'd died, and mumbling about how she tried to keep me away from my drug/booze using father and how life has always been so hard for us. Then she started saying stuff like she should have just died cause she feels that she's holding me back and my sister and she doesn't want to be like grandma and keep us from having lives untill it's too late. Which made me cry, which I havn't been able to stop crying for nearly 3 hours or so now. She told me how when they took her in for her surgery, she had to be nearly knocked out cause she started having a fit about her 'babies' and afraid of loosing us. Tried to comfort her, telling her it is also my choice to take care of her and be here for her . She says how she wants me to have my own family and to have my own life. Shes blaming herself for all this shit, and it upset me so much. Telling me stuff how chris thinks I hate him, and how he comes to visit with me and stuff. So that was all very upsetting and painful. And she went off about how I need to not hold everything in or it'sgoing to kill me. That's what my online journals are for, it's not likegoing out and puncing a tree till I bleed really helps. Though I didbump myself in the noggin, it helped a touch. She seems really worriedthat she thinks I'm to...stoic? Is that the word?
Once she seems settled down, I go to the kids room and make sure Chris is in there. So i tell him to stand and i gave him a hug. Mind you I didn't turn the light on, don't think he'd understand why I was crying. So he nearly clings to me, was really surprising. I guess mom was right. So I let him cry for abit and tell him I don't hate him, that he's my nephew and I love him. Even picked him up like he was still a 3 y/o. I know, probably shouldn't have done that but it seemed to relax him. Made some jokes about how he needs to get stronger so he can pick me up, how I was getting weary and tred from being the one who carries everyone else. He seemed better soon and we came out.
Now other then my surge of anger and the fact I went from sitting on the floor in the kitchen to being in the middle of the hall in the time it takes a 13 year y/o who plays sports to go a whole 4 feet, I pounced him like a tiger nearly. I'm sure seeing me move so fast probably scared him half to death. I forget some people are intimidated by me, but it was the fact I come out and mom's smoking a joint of all things. Said she needed it to calm down. Chris even went up to her going "No nene, cigarettes are what made you sick in the first place." It hurt me to see. I'm not the one who's suppose to cause stress, I'm not the one who's suppose to cause disruptions. I settle problems, I'm the calm one when it comes to stuff, but I just fucked up tonight. I stumbled in what I try to be. Though now I know mom has these thoughts about how she things she's ruining my life, so that's probably where some of her depression comes from. Dionne tried to help, it was nice of her. I just don't know how to let someone else help though. Every time I think about stuff, I start crying again, I'm used to being able to come into my room and just sorta silently scream when I'm upset, usually a few minutes of being upset and I'm right again. I tried that but I can't be right again. I feel busted up inside. I'm upset that I lost my temper, I'm upset to find out how upset mom is about so much and I just don't know what to do. I should sleep, but I don't think I can, and I have a bad headache building up.
I'm not really sure what's making me feel this way, I mean what the worse thing is.
I think I will spend time with Chris tomorrow, and will just shut up about my future to mom for a while.
She probably thinks it's her fault that I can't think of anything to do for a living.
And now I hate myself more then ever, at least it's not just based on my looks or something like that.
I'm rambling now...I need to rest, I very long rest.
Life is killing me.
Alone, cold and fearful.
What of?
The mirror."
Tonight I got unusually upset with my nephew, as he did three things that piss me off faster then anything. First he lied to me, then he ignored me, then he ran off as I was talking to him. All three things are highly disrespectful. Oh and what caused it all? He ate some of my treats. Now for some, you can get what ever you want, but for me yogurt is abit of a treat. Something I wanted, that is healthy. He lied about how many he ate, cause we're the only two who eats it here. So either a ghost ate 2 of mine, or well you get the idea. A treat for me is rare, I hardly got them growing up and I still have this "Something special for me, is for me. Hands off", it means something to me. Well Well he ran off as I was asking him a question, so I caught him and started bringing him back out to the living room since he was trying to run to the kids room to bawl. Well he ended up pushing against me, so I pushed back. He ended up either falling on purpose or something as he curled up on the ground sobbing. Mom got highly upset with me, saying stuff like "I'd expect that from his mother, but not you. I raised you better!", and I told her I've never done anything like that before and really it's not like I hit him, it still scared me though that I had the instinct of pushing back. In any case he shouldn't have started the whole thing, or pushed me. Now I have a temper, I admit this, but I hold it in good check, as any who truly know me can tell you. Chris just laid on the ground as if he was some whipped dog, and I told him to get up. It's not like I hit him. You push, expect to get pushed back. Wasn't like i used all I had either, I suspect he went limp either cause he was surprised or trying to ham it up like he did when he was still in diapers. He was one of those kids that heard something that sounded like a spanking, like say you swatted a fly on your leg, he started crying.
He runs off again, mom and me ended up exchanging words. Some of those being "He's spoiled, and so are you" which I had to correct her on and remind her that I rarely got my way or what I wanted, instead I took care of her. Then she tried telling me how I had it easy growing up, after I pointed out how easy chris had it from how I was raised, I reminded her of the spanking with the toochy switch she had, the back handing, the ripping of my ear, the shoe she used and other things. Which went to her saying "Well I didn't want to spoil you, i wanted you to be better." Told her it had the opposite effects, it made me bitter, it made me envious. Which turned into mom crying and saying she wished she'd died, and mumbling about how she tried to keep me away from my drug/booze using father and how life has always been so hard for us. Then she started saying stuff like she should have just died cause she feels that she's holding me back and my sister and she doesn't want to be like grandma and keep us from having lives untill it's too late. Which made me cry, which I havn't been able to stop crying for nearly 3 hours or so now. She told me how when they took her in for her surgery, she had to be nearly knocked out cause she started having a fit about her 'babies' and afraid of loosing us. Tried to comfort her, telling her it is also my choice to take care of her and be here for her . She says how she wants me to have my own family and to have my own life. Shes blaming herself for all this shit, and it upset me so much. Telling me stuff how chris thinks I hate him, and how he comes to visit with me and stuff. So that was all very upsetting and painful. And she went off about how I need to not hold everything in or it'sgoing to kill me. That's what my online journals are for, it's not likegoing out and puncing a tree till I bleed really helps. Though I didbump myself in the noggin, it helped a touch. She seems really worriedthat she thinks I'm to...stoic? Is that the word?
Once she seems settled down, I go to the kids room and make sure Chris is in there. So i tell him to stand and i gave him a hug. Mind you I didn't turn the light on, don't think he'd understand why I was crying. So he nearly clings to me, was really surprising. I guess mom was right. So I let him cry for abit and tell him I don't hate him, that he's my nephew and I love him. Even picked him up like he was still a 3 y/o. I know, probably shouldn't have done that but it seemed to relax him. Made some jokes about how he needs to get stronger so he can pick me up, how I was getting weary and tred from being the one who carries everyone else. He seemed better soon and we came out.
Now other then my surge of anger and the fact I went from sitting on the floor in the kitchen to being in the middle of the hall in the time it takes a 13 year y/o who plays sports to go a whole 4 feet, I pounced him like a tiger nearly. I'm sure seeing me move so fast probably scared him half to death. I forget some people are intimidated by me, but it was the fact I come out and mom's smoking a joint of all things. Said she needed it to calm down. Chris even went up to her going "No nene, cigarettes are what made you sick in the first place." It hurt me to see. I'm not the one who's suppose to cause stress, I'm not the one who's suppose to cause disruptions. I settle problems, I'm the calm one when it comes to stuff, but I just fucked up tonight. I stumbled in what I try to be. Though now I know mom has these thoughts about how she things she's ruining my life, so that's probably where some of her depression comes from. Dionne tried to help, it was nice of her. I just don't know how to let someone else help though. Every time I think about stuff, I start crying again, I'm used to being able to come into my room and just sorta silently scream when I'm upset, usually a few minutes of being upset and I'm right again. I tried that but I can't be right again. I feel busted up inside. I'm upset that I lost my temper, I'm upset to find out how upset mom is about so much and I just don't know what to do. I should sleep, but I don't think I can, and I have a bad headache building up.
I'm not really sure what's making me feel this way, I mean what the worse thing is.
I think I will spend time with Chris tomorrow, and will just shut up about my future to mom for a while.
She probably thinks it's her fault that I can't think of anything to do for a living.
And now I hate myself more then ever, at least it's not just based on my looks or something like that.
I'm rambling now...I need to rest, I very long rest.
Life is killing me.