Giving
.:|:.
“It’s just sex,” he whispers against the taller man’s ear, running his fingers softly down the younger’s chest, going lower and lower until he’s unzipping his jeans and slipping his hand inside. Siwon can’t stop the soft grunt that passes his lips unbidden and hates the way Hyukjae’s smile turns devious when he sees it.
He pushes the older man down on the closest bed, thinking, ‘Fuck this. Fuck everything,’ and simply acts, doing as his body commands him to, and Hyukjae only encourages him to do more, to give more until he has nothing left to give and he is completely spent.
After the deed is done and Hyukjae is sleeping peacefully beside him, he stares at his stomach, splattered with dirty white cum that makes him think about angels and purity until he can’t bear to stare at it any longer and nearly jumps out of bed in search of solace in a scalding shower.
.:|:.
Siwon remembers being nine and young and so ridiculously naïve it pains him to think of it now. A memory comes to his mind, without any rational trigger.
“Mother, what is fornication?”
“Siwon! Where did you hear that word?”
“I was reading the Bible and it said fornication was a sin. Mother, what is it?”
“It’s something bad Siwon-ah. I’ll tell you when you’re older, okay?”
“Yes Mother.”
Only he couldn’t wait until he was older, so he looks it up in the dictionary that very night when his parents assume that their studious child is preparing for his test tomorrow.
He reads the definition guiltily and by the time he’s finished his ears are burning with shame. He slams the book close and curses himself for not being obedient and reminds himself that one should always ‘Honor thy Mother and Father.’
In retrospect he supposes that was the start of losing his innocence.
.:|:.
He is fourteen and the leader of his small group. The day’s topic is ‘What Do You Want in a Wife?’ and the answers vary.
“I want my wife to have smoking hot eyes with really long lashes.”
“A true girl should have long lean legs. Yep.”
“If she had a DD rack, that’d be nice.”
“I want my wife to be a Christian.”
The boys pause to stare at Siwon eyes wide with disbelief before someone states, “We should’ve know. I mean, the one person here who actually has a chance with a hot chick is the one guy who wants a Puritan wife.”
The boys start hooting with laughter and continue to tease Siwon relentlessly as he looks mournfully at the pamphlet in his hands that gives a convincing argument about the dangers of a non-Christian wife, citing evidence from Solomon’s life.
.:|:.
He is sixteen and hearing the word homosexual for the first time in church. A capitalistic vice. An evil of the immoral Romans. Homophilia. Countless of degrading words for the same sin, but it all comes down to one thing:
Homosexuality is a vile poison to your soul.
He listens silently, taking every single word to heart while the girl on his right giggles and the boy on his left gags through his laughter.
On his way home his mother asks him, “What did you learn in church today, Sweetie?” something that has become a weekly ritual.
“Homosexuality is a sin.” He states plainly, obediently answering her every question like a little soldier.
“Why is it a sin?”
“Because God made man and woman.”
“And?”
“It’s unnatural.”
“One more.”
“It’s unproductive.”
At the time the smile she beams at him is enough compensation for any amount of work, no matter how arduous or humiliating, so he beams back at her.
.:|:.
He’s greeting his new band mates with a polite smile dimples in full force when he meets Heechul, who takes one look at him and immediately dishes out his verdict,
“Prude.”
Siwon can only blink, dumbfounded by the elder’s words. Mentally he retorts that he’d much rather be a prude than a hermaphrodite like the older boy, but pulls his lips in a tight grin and stretches out his hand.
“Hello, I’m Siwon. It’s nice to meet you.”
Heechul looks at him disdainfully before turning away in favor of talking to Yunho and calls out over his shoulder, “Prude.”
Siwon stares at the empty spot in bemusement until a skinny boy slaps his back.
“Don’t worry about him. Heechul’s just kind of funny. I’m Hyukjae by the way.”
Siwon pastes his polite smile back on easily, “I’m Siwon. It’s very nice to meet…”
“Hey Donghae! Don’t touch my mp3 player or you’re dead!” and Hyukjae is gone faster than Heechul disappeared.
As he watches the skinny boy wrestle with another boy built much like him, he feels a little guilty about calling him a deformed monkey in the back of his mind.
.:|:.
It starts with drinking. Everything starts with alcohol. Siwon is staring down his shallow cup, looking for a way to escape his predicament. Kangin notices and stumbles towards him, breath smelly with drunkenness.
“Stop being such a prude! Even Jesus drank, you know?”
The older man grabs Siwon’s cup and tips his head back. “Drink up!” he yells excitedly, before pouring the contents of the cup down Siwon’s throat.
Siwon flails around, helpless in this situation and the entire group is gathered around him demanding pictures and memoirs of Siwon’s first drink.
Years later, Kangin and Kibum can handle well over three bottles of beer effortlessly while Siwon can’t even down half of one without getting wasted.
.:|:.
It’s another party, another occasion and Siwon is once again staring into his cup. Heechul is rubbing up against Hankyung with a mock smoldering look that somehow manages to look sexy because it’s Heechul. Hyukjae is laughing hysterically beside him, hiccupping and dangerously unsteady on his feet before shaking his head disapprovingly,
“Hyung, you can’t do it like that. Here I’ll show you.” He ignores Heechul’s indignant shouts and grabs Donghae, pulling the younger boy close to him before swinging his hips smoothly.
He runs his hands down Donghae’s arms giving the younger a silent plead to dance with him, a plead that Donghae complies to all too happily. They rub against each other teasingly before Hyukjae spins around and moves his hips with Donghae’s so that the his ass is touching the younger’s crotch.
Siwon hears a catcall in the background, but he can’t tell from who, because he is completely focused on the way Hyukjae’s lips curve into a devious smile before he slides down the length of Donghae’s body and glides back up seductively, never losing contact with the man behind him.
He should have given it more thought at the time, but the sight of Donghae’s smirk as he dropped his lips on Hyukjae’s shoulder and slipped his hands around the lean man’s waist clouded his mind with enough anger to drown the entire cup down his throat.
.:|:.
Siwon finds that he likes hugging people. The feeling makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside, much like the way Sungmin describes eating danhobak. So he tugs the nearest person into his arms whenever he can, finding a small amount of happiness in the way they bring extra warmth to his body.
Many time he finds himself pulling Hyukjae nearer to him, fascinated by the way the older man fits so perfectly in his arms and the way he is just the right height for a comfortable armrest. He likes to wrap his arm around the slim man’s waist, marveling at the thinness of it.
There is always a little voice nagging in the back of his head, calling him hypocrite, liar, and more. He can’t figure out why, and he know he isn’t homosexual, because Leeteuk and Sungmin and Kyuhyun, and everyone did it, so it couldn’t be. But whenever he uses that argument, the voice becomes louder, more mocking, and calls out to him:
Liar.
.:|:.
Siwon’s biggest regret is that he can’t figure out how it all started and only that it did. The most he remembers of their first night together is waking up the morning after and his heart being struck with horror in the realization that he was naked with another man. He frantically digs through his mind for any possible explanation other than the obvious, and when a massive hangover halts his attempts, he groans and pulls himself out of bed to douse himself in a cold shower.
Hyukjae enters the living room hours later. He flops down on the couch next to Siwon, who flinches at the mere sight of him, drawing a deep sigh from the older man. Hyukjae looks at the blank television in front of them thoughtfully, deliberating his next words before he forces them out.
“Look about last night…” he starts, glancing at Siwon to gauge his reaction. Siwon stares resolutely in front of him, refusing to look at the older man. Hyukjae sighs before continuing.
“Don’t worry about last night. I tend to get kind of slutty when I’m drunk,” he states simply, standing up and goes to the kitchen, leaving Siwon alone with his thoughts.
Siwon is rendered stupid at the words the elder managed out with relative ease, and he tries hard to squash the anger that threatens to pull Hyukjae back and throw him on the couch for a remake of what happened the previous night.
He tells himself that it’s a onetime thing, but the next party they go to, Siwon makes sure to stay in Hyukjae’s general vicinity. And the next time he makes the older man cum, he remembers every detail clearly, everything from the soft moans the elder lets out as Siwon teases him with his fingers to the way he gasps loudly, clenching around the younger man as he reaches his climax.
The next day, Siwon goes to a confession booth, but when the father asks for his confession, all he can manage is a paltry lie.
.:|:.
“Siwon-ah.”
“Yes Mother?”
“I saw your latest performance today…and Heechul isn’t gay, right?”
“No mother, of course not.”
“Then he didn’t really kiss you?”
“It was on my chin.”
“Oh, that’s good to know. How’s life?”
“It’s good. I’ll visit you next week.”
“I’ll be waiting then. Siwon-ah.”
“Yes?”
“Why is homosexuality a sin?”
“Because it’s unnatural.”
“And”
“It’s unproductive.”
“And?”
“God made man and women.”
“Siwon-ah…”
“Yes?”
“Oh, never mind. We’ll be expecting you.”
“Okay. I love you.”
Siwon hangs up the phone, guilt weighing his heart because he knows Heechul is out with Hankyung at this very moment and Hyukjae is still lying on his bed exhausted.
He goes back to his room and sits on his bed near the older boy to examine his face. Hyukjae looks calm in his rest, as Siwon traces the features of the older man’s face delicately with his finger, he thinks he must be in love, and despite all the evil connotations the situation gives the words, he finds a small smile forming on his face.
Weeks later he is standing outside the elder’s room, holding a dozen roses tied with a white ribbon. He hears familiar moans drift through the door.
Once he enters his own room he throws the roses out the window in frustration and anger, left with nothing but a shattered heart.
.:|:.
“Siwon,” a breathy gasp against his throat. Siwon growls at nothing and kisses the man beneath with more intensity.
Everything he does that night is rougher and more desperate. He tries to convey his feelings through every kiss he plants on the older man’s skin, every touch, every thrust that hits Hyukjae deep inside and makes the elder cry because the sensation is too much for him.
He gets his point across and he knows it because when they’re finished and have come down from the high of the afterglow, Hyukjae turns to him and states simply, “Let’s stop this.”
Siwon knows his face speaks for himself, he knows himself well enough to know that every muscle in his body is asking the older man, ‘why?’
He knows, because Hyukjae gives him a small smile slightly tinged with melancholy and tells him, “It’s just sex.”
And Siwon can’t do anything as every fragment in his heart is crushed as he watches the man he gave up everything for pull himself out of the bed and out the door, leaving him a finely crushed heart and no one to mend it.