Untitled
.:|:.
Hyukjae was thirteen when he got his first taste of porn in Junsu’s room, lighted only by the fading sunset and bright computer screen. He remembered watching the figures on the screen move gracefully with embarrassment shading his cheeks as he stroked the front of his pants unsurely. The entire incident resulted in Junsu laughing at him as he walked out the door in jeans that were too tight for a different reason while he carried his own ruined pair in his bag.
He never liked to talk about that particular incident, but it wasn’t really an issue because Junsu certainly had no qualms about spreading the story around.
.:|:.
When Hyukjae became adept at finding porn of his own in the privacy of his room, he stumbled on a website advertising men together ‘doing the unspeakable’. He clicked the link more out of boredom than all else and played a random video. His first reaction was a mixture of disgust and awe, which quickly turned into a morbid obsession as he watched the figure on the screen doing things he never even knew were possible and in the end he spent several hours clicking link after link until his eyes felt like they were dying.
The issue of homosexuality and God made him hesitate, causing his cursor to hover on a link, but the promise of simulation that seemingly so much more realistic and personal decided for him allowing him to relax into his chair and let the clip run, pants unzipped and one hand touching his length in soft caresses.
Later in the night, as he looked his Bible waiting for him faithfully on his nightstand, he made a small protest in the back of his mind, he never actually done it with another guy, and that thought comforted him enough to coax him into a peaceful slumber.
It was easy for him to ignore the fact that he barely watched any of his straight porn anymore he only played them is when his friends were over. The fact that he had an entire hidden drive dedicated to his gay porn was a little more disconcerting.
.:|:.
He was sixteen and his face flushed as he watched one man take the girth of a black vibrator inside of him with a loud moan, welcoming the penetration. He could hear the hum of the vibrator through his headphones and his eyes widen with disbelief as the man’s entrance stretched impossibly wide to accommodate the intrusion. It never failed to amaze him: the fact that something so small could take in something so much larger and if he were to be completely honest, it fascinated him. The man on the screen looked needy and desperate, almost as if he were in pain, but the sounds coming from his mouth belied his expression and Hyukjae knew that he was enjoying the sensation.
Out of curiosity, Hyukjae tried to slide a finger into himself in the shower. His finger was lubricated with nothing but water and just getting the tip inside of him hurt, so he gave up and settled for pumping his cock with fast motions instead, ignoring the strange dissatisfaction that he usually did not associate with jerking off.
Later, when he lied in his bed to go to sleep, he looked at his Bible sitting on his nightstand innocently. For some unexplainable reason the sight bothered him, so he placed it in one of the drawers. Once the book was hidden from view, sleep came much easier.
.:|:.
He tried again after a week, only this time on his bed with baby oil. He considered buying the proper lubricant and even held it in his hand for a minute or two before putting it back and reaching for the less conspicuous baby oil instead, his shame coloring his cheeks a brilliant scarlet.
He coated his hands generously with the oil and slid his hand down to circle his entrance before moving it back up to tease himself. He played with his own body: pinching his nipples delicately, lightly caressing his inner thighs, coming close to his need but never touching it, running the tip of his fingers lightly across his stomach surprised by the ticklish sensation.
Finally relaxed, he put more oil on his hands before venturing down again to trace his entrance. He hesitated, running his hand up to give his cock a few reassuring strokes before spreading his legs wider and easing the first finger inside himself. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt, but the lack of excitement unsettled him. He wiggled it inside himself hoping for more simulation. Confused, he withdrew his finger to slip in two fingers. He felt a familiar burn inside of him but ignored it, instead pushing his fingers in deeper until they were fully emerged inside of him.
His throat felt unusually dry. The novelty of the feeling was a bit more obvious and he made a scissoring motion with his fingers, stretching himself. He brought his left hand to his length and stroked it in long slow motions simultaneously moving his fingers in shallow thrusts inside himself. The feeling made his breath hitch, and when he came, his hand was moving down his length in hurried movements while his hips moved against the intrusion awkwardly.
When the high disappeared, he felt sated and content despite a nagging voice in his head told him that nothing would ever be the same now.
.:|:.
“I can’t stand gays. They make me sick with their fruitiness,” Kangin declared loudly during lunch one day.
Everyone, including Hyukjae, laughed at his seemingly random statement. Kangin pulled his girlfriend of the week closer to himself and continued on his tirade on the evils of homosexuality; a capitalistic vice, he managed out between guffaws. It was only by accident that Hyukjae caught the melancholy light in Eeteuk’s eyes before by a bright smile hid it as Ryeowook pestered him with a topic of no importance. He thought nothing of it because he was too involved with memories of fingering himself and watching gay men on his computer screen to process the implications of that look. Humiliation hit him in a way that hadn’t before, and Hyukjae hated Kangin at that moment for making him think about that in public.
Later, Hyukjae accidently walked in on the sight of Kangin and Eeteuk arguing about Why the fuck are you such a fucking coward Kangin? He hid himself, not knowing what to do in the present circumstances and watched Eeteuk yell, scream, and hit the younger man, for hiding him away like a filthy secret before leaving in a storm of anger and hurt.
Kangin began to follow him with his hand outstretched but instead backed down. He stared at the ground in frustration before he started to kick everything within a reachable range, loud and unrestrained. His outbreak continued until there is nothing left to destroy and he slumped to his knees, looking for the answer in the small landscape of ruin.
Hyukjae couldn’t bring himself to enter the classroom, so he left quietly feeling sorry for the older men and thanked Aphrodite (he gave up on Christianity ages ago) for not making him fall in love.
A week later, he met Donghae and Eeteuk and Kangin appear unbidden in his mind. Even as he smiled at Donghae, the memory made him want to run away from the younger boy and the threat he posed to Hyukjae’s life as quickly as Hyukjae’s feet could carry him.
.:|:.
Avoiding Donghae worked for the first few weeks, because he clung to Junsu more than usual and Donghae followed Yunho around like a duckling imprinting its’ mother. Eventually, his plans fell apart because Donghae was in his class, on the same soccer team, going to the same dance studio, and it simply proved to be impossible to avoid him.
He resolved to watch all his straight porn he neglected for years again and entered an enjoyable friendship with Donghae that included pranks on Junsu and spontaneous competitions. It was fun, because Donghae somehow made everything around him into a game and soon Donghae became an integral part of his life the way Junsu and Eeteuk were.
As Hyukjae revisited all his old porn, he started to believe that Donghae wouldn’t have any effect on him and he relaxed. He made the extra effort to think about soft breasts and pretty faces when he touched himself and when a girl asked him out for the first time that year, he said yes even though he barely knew her name.
He started believing that he was straight, and that the era of gay porn was nothing but a phase. Hyukjae went out on dates with his girlfriend, kissed her and touched her in a very personal manner in the back of the movie theaters while she giggled softly and he was content with his life.
It wasn’t until he entered a small inconspicuous sex shop looking for a gag gift for his girlfriend that he faltered. He found a vibrator, not at all like the ones he saw in porn movies. It was slim, seemingly harmless and infinitely less intimidating than the ones he remembered seeing in those flims. It reminded him of nights spent pleasuring himself with his fingers rather than his entire hand so he bought it on a whim along with flavored lube and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. When the man at the register grinned at him with a knowing smile, making Hyukjae red and stammer out something about his girlfriend’s birthday embarrassingly aware of the man’s disbelieving smile.
That night when he touched himself, he hesitated before reaching for the lube and pouring its’ contents on his fingers. He pushed them inside easily, immediately starting a familiar pace that he had not forgotten despite his hiatus. When he came, it was not the image of his girlfriend that pushed him over, but the image of Donghae, shirtless and the fine line running down his stomach stolen from the locker room, his bright smiles and careless laughter. He lied on his bed, satisfied and slightly guilty before he remembered the vibrator. He played with the idea of opening it before blushing and hiding it away in his nightstand along with the lube and handcuffs right next to his long forgotten Bible.
.:|:.
The next day when he saw his girlfriend, the guilt returned and struck him. He thought, she deserves better than this, and that thought was enough to encourage him to break-up with her quietly, holding her frame close to him as she cried, Why?
He felt like shit for the rest of the week for making her cry, but every time he caught the sight of Donghae in the locker room in various states of undress, every time he broke out singing while they were dancing together, he convinced himself he made the right choice.
.:|:.
Hyukjae stared at the window absent-mindedly until he felt a pair of arms carelessly throw themselves around his neck. He craned his neck to see the attacker and rolled his eyes when he saw Donghae grinning at him.
“What do you want?”
“You’re good at dancing,” Donghae delivered the compliment with admiration coloring his voice in a way that made Hyukjae smile.
“So are you.”
Donghae shook his head no, “Not as good as you are.” He brought his head closer to Hyukjae’s neck and whispered in his ear deviously, “The way you move your hips keeps me up at night.”
Hyukjae made a muffled sound of disbelief and flailed his arms around ungracefully while Donghae laughed at him. When he finally calmed down, he glared at his friend, “That was completely uncalled for.”
Donghae simply smiled and asked, “Does the image of me half-naked keep you up at night?” causing the elder to fall into another spasm of scandalized incoherency. He laughed at the sight, which caught the attention of Junsu, who whipped out his camera phone to record Hyukjae’s bout of fail and laughed with Donghae.
“This is so unfair,” Hyukjae whined, and he couldn’t help but to get the feeling that Donghae knew.
His suspicions were only confirmed when Donghae started to flirt with him playfully and touched him even more than he did before. He did things like running his finger down Hyukjae’s arms, making goosebumps rise before going back to run his finger over those too, distracting him with an arm on Hyukjae’s waist in order to steal his food during lunch, which Hyukjae found to be annoying more than endearing. Most alarmingly, Donghae liked to sneak up on the older boy when they were changing to admire the smoothness of his skin by running his entire palm down the elder’s back.
The whole affair was frightening to Hyukjae as it was exciting. He would never admit it to anyone but himself, but Donghae’s deliberate touches and dark eyes fueled his nightly fantasies.
.:|:.
“Hey Hyuk?”
Hyukjae turned to Donghae, his question clear in his expression.
Donghae mulled over some unknown thought before turning back to the older boy, “Can I go to your house today?”
The older boy’s face broke out into a grin. “Sure what for?” he asked as he pulled his non-uniform shoes out of his locker to slip them on. His only reply was silence, so he looked at the younger.
At the inquisitive stare, Donghae replied, “No particular reason,” and proceeded to walk out the door without the elder.
Bewildered by the younger’s actions, Hyukjae stared at his walking figure before shrugging and breaking out into a slight jog to catch up with the younger.
.:|:.
Donghae threw himself on the elder’s bed, his body bouncing up slightly before coming to a rest. Hyukjae rolled his eyes as he rid himself of his school blazer before sitting down next to Donghae. He poked the younger’s stomach,
“What are we going to do?”
Donghae shrugged, “I dunno. Didn’t think that far.”
Unimpressed with his friend’s answer, Hyukjae sighed as he stood up and stretched his arms. “Well think about it while I go take a shower,” he said as he walked over to his closet to pick out more comfortable clothes. “I’ll be done in about 10 minutes.”
“Is that why you stink all the time?” Donghae asked teasingly from the bed, grinning as he dodged the random coat hanger Hyukjae threw at him.
“Whatever. I’ll be out in 10 minutes,” the elder called over his shoulder before disappearing with a towel and a set of clothes.
.:|:.
Steam rose from Hyukjae’s skin as he walked back to his room. The boy tousled his hair carelessly as he reached for the doorknob and entered the room.
“Hey Donghae, did you think of something to do?” Hyukjae asked blindly from under his towel. When he got no answer, he removed the towel from his head, only to see the younger boy staring at his nightstand in disbelief. He stood motionlessly and stared at Donghae with the same intensity the younger was looking at his nightstand, confused by the usually animated boy’s silence.
“Donghae?”
Donghae tore his gaze away to look at Hyukjae, first with the same incredulity he had focused on the drawers before changing it to a steely glare. He rose from the bed and began advancing on the elder,
“Hyuk, do you have a boyfriend?”
“What? No! Donghae, what are you getting at?” the older boy flailed.
Donghae continued his advance on Hyukjae, stopping only when he was directly in front of him. Without answering Hyukjae’s question, he almost roughly pulled the older boy back to the bed by his arm and sat him on the bed. The younger boy proceeded to pace on the floor in front of the elder, his face contorted with his deep thoughts.
Bewildered by Donghae’s actions, Hyukjae let out a tentative, “Donghae?” He expected an answer when he saw the younger stop pacing, but only met with silence. Defeated, he made himself comfortable and waited for Donghae to explain his actions.
When Donghae finally spoke, his words shocked Hyukjae more than his silence did.
“Is it Siwon?”
“I told you I didn’t have a boyfriend!”
Donghae snorted at his reply and moved to hover over the older boy on the bed, “I don’t believe you. You knew I was interested too!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, and why the hell won’t you believe me?” Hyukjae ground out, exasperated with the younger’s stubbornness.
“Why the hell would I when you have a fucking vibrator and fuzzy handcuffs right next to your Bible? Is it some kind of religious kink you two like to play? Care to fill me in on that?”
Hyukjae let out a scandalized gasp, “Why were you looking in my drawers in the first place? You know what? I don’t care, just get out.”
He moved to push Donghae off him, but Donghae maneuvered his body to dodge the elder’s push before grasping his wrists and pinned him onto the bed. Donghae hung his face over Hyukjae’s, his eyes screaming envy.
“Just tell me the truth, are you dating Siwon?” he managed out between angry pants.
“No, I’m not seeing him. Now get off and get out,” Hyukjae stated, his tone saturated with finality.
“Then who is it? Yesung? Kangin? Junsu? Who?”
“No one! I told you a million times already!”
Donghae eased his grip on the elder’s wrist, examining his face carefully. Relieved, Hyukjae relaxed thinking that the interrogation was over before the younger spoke again.
“Then who is it that you were thinking of when you use that vibrator, hmm?”
Hyukjae spluttered indignantly and turned his head to the side, avoiding Donghae’s gaze, “Who said I used it? I still haven’t opened the box.”
“Who is it that you were thinking of when you bought it then?”
“It was a gag gift! Now will you please get off?” Hyukjae yelled, frustrated with Donghae’s relentlessness.
“Liar. Who is it?”
Hyukjae kept his silence, considering for a moment telling the younger the truth before rejecting the idea, “That’s none of your business. Now get off.”
The younger scoffed at his reply, “What do you mean it’s none of my business? After all those coy looks in my direction, all those flirty little laughs, you’re telling me it’s none of my business?” He lowered his head so that his lips rested right next to Hyukjae’s ear before continuing, “Dear, I think it is entirely my business.”
He punctuated his words with a hard bite into the elder’s neck, causing Hyukjae to yelp loudly. Unmindful of the elder’s protests, he kissed his way down Hyukjae’s neck, giving another harsh bit to the junction of the neck and shoulder. Bringing his hands together, he let go of one of the elder’s wrist to deliver it to the other one letting his free hand grope around blindly for the handcuffs. Once he found them, Donghae dragged the older boy’s wrists closed to the bed frame, never detaching his lips from Hyukjae’s skin. Despite the elder’s struggle, he succeeded in locking Hyukjae to the heavy piece of furniture.
Donghae moved back slightly, taking in the view before him. Hyukjae was laid out on the bed, his arms high over his head. The black wife beater the older boy had donned after his shower was disheveled allowing for a pale strip of stomach to show and his sweatpants hung temptingly low on his hips. The boy’s most appealing trait was his expression: lips pale in a tight line and eyes narrowed in a fierce glare that promised death despite the elder’s predicament. The younger boy chuckled and began to move in again, but his efforts were hindered by a swift kick that he barely dodged. Donghae immobilized the elder’s legs by sitting on him and tsked lightly,
“We wouldn’t have to go through all this if you would just corporate and tell me the truth.”
“If you’d just believe me, this would have never started in the first place.”
“Who is it?”
“Figure it out yourself!”
“Do I know him?”
Hyukjae let out a heavy sigh in exasperation, “Maybe.”
Donghae stared at Hyukjae unsatisfied with his answer. Shortly his faced morphed to one of amusement tainted by a devilish grin, “Fine. I have an idea.”
He slipped his hands under the elder’s tank top and raised it to Hyukjae’s arms, following the path of the fabric with his lips. He paused at his nipples, breathing on to the sensitive nubs and watched Hyukjae close his eyes tightly and his breath hitch.
“I get twenty questions. If I can’t get it right, then I’ll stop bothering you, here and at school. If I get it right, then I get to go beat that little fucker up, deal?”
With difficulty, Hyukjae opened his eyes and caught Donghae’s gaze. It was different; he was different. In his eyes, where there should have been playfulness and light smiles, there was only a darkness that revealed nothing and if it weren’t for anger and envy in his voice, Hyukjae would have thought Donghae didn’t have any emotions.
It was frightful and the whole idea was ridiculous, and Hyukjae could think of some many reasons why not, but his body, and more frustratingly, his heart craved for more of Donghae’s touches. It was irrational, and Hyukjae wanted to struggle, wanted it to stop so badly, and he just couldn’t understand why there was this nagging desire to ignore his rationale and just let the younger take him.
The contradictory desires were too much. He felt like he was being torn apart, he felt angry, he felt unsatisfied, he felt every negative word he could think of.
The feeling was indescribable, and he was mad at himself and at Donghae and without his permission, tears gathered at the corners of his eyes, pooling together before dropping down his cheek.
“I hate you,” he sniffed, trying valiantly to keep each sob that threatened to escape from his throat incarcerated inside his heart.
“I hate you,” he repeated, this time with more conviction, but he could also hear the strain in his voice, he could hear the weakness of the fragile barrier he had cast up in a vain attempt to stop his heart from yearning this.
“You’re so fucking stupid! Can’t you see? Are you blind? Why are you so stupid?” he finally cried.
More tears flowed down his cheek, quickly and silently, gracelessly. To his horror, a sob forced its’ way out, followed by another one and another until he was crying loudly, choking on his sobs. It was humiliating, Hyukjae was excessively aware of Donghae’s unwavering gaze on him, and the thought only made him cry harder. The only relief was that he couldn’t see, a relief he took as much refuge in as possible and tried uselessly to forget Donghae was there right in front of him.
He felt a soft palm cup his cheek and smooth fingers wipe his tears away. He looked down resolutely, unwillingly to face the younger.
“Hyukjae, who is it?” Donghae whispered quietly into his ears. His voice was delicate, and all signs of his previous anger had vanished.
Still, Hyukjae wouldn’t answer. It was so obvious, and he felt scared of this Donghae. This Donghae wasn’t his friend who teased him and danced with him until their legs gave out.
This wasn’t the Donghae who made random comments and illogical statements that were so commonplace it was predictable.
He didn’t know this Donghae who yelled anger with his eyes and his hands, made threats and took what he wanted forcibly and ruthlessly, only to change his demeanor completely in a matter of seconds.
He was scared and confused. He felt stupid, shameless, because even though he didn’t know this Donghae, he still wanted him so fucking much.
The hands on his face moved away, and a few seconds later, he heard the click of the handcuffs unlocking. Donghae gently grasped his wrists and pulled on them, bringing Hyukjae off the bed and into his lap. He leaned his forehead against Hyukjae’s lightly and the sudden change was overwhelming.
“Tell me, Hyukjae-ah. Is it me?”
Hyukjae could only manage a tiny nod, he wasn’t even sure if the other could see it, but then Donghae let go of his hands to wrap his arms around the elder and held him close to his chest, murmuring apologies and offerings of repentance in soft, but hurried whispers.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. God, what the hell was I thinking? Are you okay? I’m so so sorry, I just hate myself right now…Hyukjae…
“Do you know that I love you? It’s not just some stupid crush, but I really do…”
Hyukjae shook his head vigorously and clutched Donghae’s shirt tighter, letting the other boy cradle him in his arms.
“Hyukjae, I want to do this properly. I love you, would you be willing to be mine?”
He smiled small smile into Donghae’s chest, only for him. He felt stupid, embarrassed, confused, and just the tiniest bit sacred still, but he nodded his head slightly anyways.
And when he felt Donghae’s grip on him tighten and sweet nothings sang into his ears, he couldn’t find the will to care about anything except the fact everything seemed okay now.